>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND. WE HAVE TWO GIANTS THIS EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. TWO OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE TO
TALK TO. THE ONE, THE ONLY MR. JOHN
LITHGOW WILL BE OUT HERE JUST A MOMENT.
ONE OF THE GREATEST LIVING ACTORS OUT THERE.
TRULY AN AMERICAN TREASURE, HISTORIAN WONDERFUL FRIEND OF
THE SHOW, DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A
MOMENT. BEAUTIFUL NEW BOOK ABOUT HER
LIFE WITH HER HUSBAND. FOLKS, THIS IS EXCITING.
SUMMER'S AROUND THE CORNER AND SO IS THE DEMOCRATIC
NATIONAL CONVENTION IN CHICAGO ILLINOIS.
IT SHOULD BE A FUN TIME. HISTORICALLY ALL THE DEMOCRATIC
CONVENTIONS IN CHICAGO HAVE GONE SUPER SMOOTH.
AND GUESS WHO'S GOING BE THERE THIS YEAR.
ME! BECAUSE "THE LATE SHOW" IS DOING
SHOWS FROM CHICAGO FOR THE ENTIRE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION!
FOR ONE WEEK. LOOK AT THAT.
SWEET HOME. FOR ONE WEEK, "THE LATE SHOW"
WILL BE BROADCASTING FROM THE 130 YEAR-OLD
AUDITORIUM THEATER. IT IS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS
AND SO CREATIVELY-NAMED. THE AUDITORIUM
THEATER IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE CAFETERIA RESTAURANT
AND THE HISTORIC ROOMS HOTEL. I LIVED IN CHICAGO FOR 11 YEARS.
AND IT HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART, AND NOT JUST
BECAUSE OF ALL THE POLISH SAUSAGE
STILL LODGED IN MY AORTA. CHICAGO IS WHERE I CUT MY
COMEDY TEETH PERFORMING AT THE SECOND CITY, AND IT'S ALSO WHERE
THIS SOUTH CAROLINA BOY GOT AN EDUCATION IN WINTER.
DID YOU KNOW THAT TEARS CAN FREEZE?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT BEFORE I LIVED THERE.
YOU GOTTA KEEP BLINKIN'! SO GET READY, CHICAGO,
BECAUSE THIS SUMMER, IT'S THE RETURN OF
"DAAAAA COLE-BEAR"! DAA BEARS.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
IN THE NEWS KITCHEN, SOURCING THE DAY'S FRESHEST STORY SHRIMP
TO MAKE A FINE TOPICAL BROTH WHILE SAUTEEING ONIONS
AND GARLIC WITH AHI PANCA AND AMARILLO, THEN CAREFULLY
SIMMERING IT ALL WITH POTATOES AND EVAPORATED MILK
TO PRESENT TO YOU THE RICH YET DELICATE PERUVIAN CHUPE DE
CAMARONES CHOWDER THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
WHILE FLEEING THE TAIWANESE PANDA SMUGGLERS
I DOUBLE-CROSSED, I SCRAPE THE BUGS OFF MY STOLEN TUK-TUK'S
WINDSHIELD INTO A DISCARDED CARBURETOR CAP WITH
SOME GATORADE, SAWDUST, AND PACKING PEANUTS TO SLURP
THE FUGITIVE ROAD SWILL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: IT'S A STEADY HAND AT THE WHEEL.
STEADY HAND AT THE TILLER. MEANWHILE, IN LOCAL NEWS,
HEALTH OFFICIALS WARN THAT LEPTOSPIROSIS, TRANSMITTED BY
RAT URINE, IS ON THE RISE IN NEW YORK CITY.
AW, MAN. I WAS HOPING TO FINALLY HEAR
SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT RAT URINE. MEANWHILE, NEWS FROM ENGLAND,
WHERE APPARENTLY "SPRAYING AXE DEODORANT ON MALE
SHEEP GETS THEM TO CALM DOWN AND STOP FIGHTING" BECAUSE IT
"MASKS THE HORMONES THAT GET THE BOYS BUTTING HEADS,
[BRITISH ACCENT] SO THERE'S NO ARGY-BARGY,
NO ROWING." THE BRITISH CALL FIGHTING
"ARGY-BARGY"? THAT'S ADORABLE.
HOW DID THESE PEOPLE TAKE OVER THE WORLD?
"ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE. WE'RE JUST HERE TO STEAL YOUR
LANDY-WANDY BECAUSE WE BELIEVE YOU'RE AN INFERIOR RACEY-WACEY.
NOW, CHOP CHOP, PUT ALL YOUR NATURAL RESOURCEY-WORSEYS ON THE
BOATSY-WOATSY OR YOU'LL ALL BE IN FOR A SPOT OF ARGY-MURDER."
MEANWHILE, TACO BELL'S CHIEF MARKETING OFFICER HAS REVEALED
THAT HE EATS AT THE CHAIN EVERY OTHER DAY.
EXPLAINS TACO BELL'S NEW MARKETING CAMPAIGN:
"HELP, MY BLOOD FEELS THICK." APPARENTLY THIS GUY ALWAYS
STICKS TO THE SAME ORDER. "TWO TO THREE CRUNCHY TACOS --
NOT SUPREME, JUST REGULAR CRUNCHY TACOS --
AND A BEAN BURRITO WITH EXTRA ONIONS, GRILLED," ADDING
"YOU HAVE TO TRY IT. IT'S LIFE-CHANGING."
I'M SORRY. I MISREAD THAT.
"ENDING." IT'S LIFE-ENDING.
MEANWHILE IN THE NETHERLANDS,
McDONALD'S JUST DEBUTED THE WORLD'S FIRST SCENTED BILLBOARDS
WHICH DIFFUSE THE ENTICING SCENT OF McDONALD'S FRENCH FRIES,
AN AROMA SO ICONIC THAT THEY HAVEN'T BOTHERED TO PRINT
ANYTHING ON THE BILLBOARD, NOT EVEN A LOGO.
SO PEOPLE WILL START SMELLING McDONALD'S FRIES OUT OF NOWHERE
FOR NO VISIBLE REASON. LOOKING FORWARD TO
THE NEW JINGLE. ♪ BA-DA-BA-BA-BA ♪
♪ AM I HAVIN' A STROKE? ♪ MEANWHILE.
MEANWHILE, IN ABSOLUTE FREAKIN' HERO NEWS, AT A ROCKETS-CLIPPERS
GAME THIS WEEK, ROCKETS CENTER BOBAN MARJANOVIC WENT TO
THE FREE THROW LINE AND PROCEEDED TO MISS THE FIRST OF
TWO SHOTS. THEN, KNOWING THAT AS PART OF
A CLIPPERS PROMOTION, IF AN OPPOSING PLAYER MISSES TWO FREE
THROWS IN A ROW, FANS ARE TREATED TO FREE CHICKEN,
HE DID THIS. >> THEY'RE POINTING TO --
BOBAN'S PLAYING WITH THE CROWD, SAYING "YOU WANT CHICKEN?"
HERE'S YOUR -- AHHH, HE GAVE 'EM CHICKEN!
HE'S A MAN OF THE PEOPLE! HE'S A MAN OF THE PEOPLE.
>> YOU THINK HE DID THAT ON PURPOSE?
>> HE DID! HE GAVE OUT FREE CHICKEN.
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T SEEN SPORTS COMMENTATORS THAT
EXCITED SINCE THE MIRACLE ON ICE.
>> FIVE SECONDS LEFT IN THE GAME!
THE CROWD IS GOING WILD! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?
NACHOS! IT'S NACHOS FOR EVERYONE!
NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM! >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH JOHN LITHGOW.