What's good, gang? Welcome to the grind. The toy grind.
You join me in the Year of our Lord 2023,
which will forever be remembered in these circles as the year of the release of the Rise of the Beasts of the,
which we can mostly agree was a solid enough silly robot romp
with big-screen debuts for several Maximal faves
including breakout ape daddy Optimus Primal
but did you know he wasn't always a gorilla?
Did you know he was originally a bat, for a bit?
And did you know purple dino Megatron used to be a crocodile, for a while?
Did you know? Yeah, you probably did. Everybody does.
But I'm gonna talk about it anyway because it's my turn,
they're brilliant, and so are their seven mates!
Let's flip the script with the Beast Wars Basics!
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So, these nine dudes -
just the nine today, is it? All right.
Yes indeed, this natty nonet of bestial basic bitches
was one of the earliest occurences of the whole Beast Era,
a creative little critter cluster centred around a shared flip-out functionality
that instantly switches them from borderline believable baby beasts to wacky 90s cartoon robots,
and with hindsight, they really come off like a proof of concept for the whole Beast Wars idea!
Like, you can visualise the pitch meeting, right?
G2's not working, nothing's hitting, we need something new, so how about this?
What if Transformers was fast fun flipchange animal creatures now?
Who would've thought THAT would be the move that saved the entire brand?
'Cos it kinda was.
And this micro menagerie was the smaller scale selection of the first year fauna,
sharing roughly the same core design, fantastically posable ball-jointed skinny limbs,
and an irresistibly addictive single-step transformation
which usually ends with the robot tum formed from the animal's face or anus.
And they really went off showcasing the versatility of this baseline template,
banging out reptiles, mammals, rodents and fliers
with distinct vibes and powerful personalities!
And we'll dig in, why not, with Optimus Primal's aforementioned early-doors batsona
from before he was cemented as the striking silverback that endures to this day.
So get a load of this flamboyant flyboy, flaunting blatantly borrowed superhero stylings
and looking hauntingly humanoid with his toned musculature and crime-fightin' face mask.
Like, there's no escaping it - he looks like a man in a bat-themed costume.
Almost like some manner of Batmale? Bat Fella? Hm. Can't quite place it.
Look at this! He's even got hidden gadgets in his comically stiff space-hoggin' cape!
And this is gonna be a theme, because one thing this gang all blanketly nail
is the art of next-level weapon storage!
Some of these are so slick I didn't even realise I had them.
But yeah, these sick secret scimitars stash away so perfectly as to be basically imperceptible.
If you didn't know it was there, I couldn't help you.
Now, the flipformation on this fool is slightly more involved than the others -
like, the tail locks up in an unusual way
and I think he's the only one who's got these like, lateral shoulder swings,
so good job we're doing him first.
It does feel a smidge insecure around the undercarriage, same,
like, the limbs don't really lock up or come to rest anywhere.
And annoyingly, the bat mode itself isn't especially good, really?
Like, most of the animal is just one big, flat piece, the wings don't flap or anything,
which, eh, y'know. It's 1996. We can -- y'know. But still.
The feeble jibberjaw here seems to live by its own rules,
and I don't think it has feet.
If we just bang the arms down, does that count as a creature having feet? It doesn't seem to.
Doesn't seem intentional. But y'know, it works!
It's fun in and of itself as a bat that's a Transformer that's not, like, robot style.
Love the piggy snout face and the massive ears!
Definitely dig the cheeky Tim Burton bat signal silhouette
and the fur texture's kinda good, but ultimately it is a bit of a weaky.
It's an exciting start with a weird ending.
Mercifully then, Megatron serves us a very different bucket of maggots
in this righteous reptilian fit from his old-school unsigned croc star days!
Doesn't it just blast classic cartoon villain audacity with its sinewy sneakboy physique
and that unmistakable Megs helmet on the horrible toxic melty face gives it a real Skeletor vibe.
Like, it's such a cohesive croco criminal with killer consistent theming!
Check out the Sarcosuchus seeker stomach and the scaled texture that maintains throughout!
And you gotta respect how it styles out its flaws,
like the extremely obvious toes on his wrists and legs on his legs,
like a green little hand-foot man.
And mate, what a croc!
God, it feels so weird using that phrase sincerely.
There he goes!
This precocious Predacon has such palpable shithead energy!
Like, for a reptile, why does it seem like such an asshole?
Definitely dominates the mouth battle an' all -
Primal ain't got a chance against that supercharged snapgob!
Anyway, weaponage is somewhat less subtle here -
like, I do enjoy how the whole tail pops and swishes into a leathery laser gun
but it just kinda stashes awkwardly on this whole-ass lacrosse stick juttin' out his nape.
But this is deffo doin' it for me, babes!
'Cos as the villain of the piece, it's already a cracker
but knowing that Megatron was revised gives this toy a really appealing unrefined energy,
like a larval form starter Pokemon from before he evolved into the T.Rex
and as a duo, he and Primal positively sing with the authentic emergent vibe of a version 0.5
and forgive me for saying this, but I think I prefer this version to the dino Megs?
Like, it took me a really long time to warm up to that asymmetrical head-hand freak machine
out here lookin' like Godrick the Grafted,
so had I been aware of this one-man croc party at the time
I think I might have been more open to it?
It's a cleaner and much more immediately inviting design, and just as much fun!
#Hungry Megatron!#
Right then, let's round up the rest of these rascals
baginning with the now-infamous Man In Pig!
Yes mate, let's raise a glass to Razorbeast who wields the curious honour of being
the only Transformer to be named on-screen by Will Smith.
"Transformers! I've been looking for Razorbeast since like October!"
Now this sunburnt sucker somehow combines the frowned-upon twin disciplines of
shellforming and flipchanging and makes it work!
Check out this porcine punk, lookin' rowdy as hell in his crimson pork rind,
with this preposterous pompadour pistol and exploded back-mounted kibble carcass
plus a surprisingly excellent and extremely Transformersy headsculpt.
I love that so much, man. It's like he's wearing his lineage proudly,
like an echo of Snarler or something.
And this tail-triggered transformation just swallows the bot wholesale
into a cocoon of crusty corpulence!
I love how this feral filth pig just pulsates with Pumbaa charm
as it would, being a young warthog,
all tusks and trotters and visible hair-trigger temper!
Like, I wanna be like "ooh, hello piggie!", but you know he's just fixin' to gore your arsehole out.
Speaking of claimage to famage -
[shrieking]
- let's get all comfy and mainstream with bona fide Beast Wars royalty, Rattrap!
So, full disclosure: this rodenty ratbag is in fact a reissue from a year and a bit ago,
which honestly just speaks to the enduring appeal of characters like Rattrap and Cheetor and... Retrax
and it's very weird to me that this toy made it into the main cast of the actual show, in this form.
'Cos for me, these work so well as a miniature offshoot of the Beast Wars brand
that it's bizarre to me that a couple of them crossed over into the actual programme.
They let you on telly? Really? All right.
But I think I get why Rizzo the Rattrap made it!
He just instantly looks like the quintessential shit-talkin' scamp with a heart of gold.
Doesn't it just translate perfectly?
Check out his simplistic mammalian lines, sharp shiny shinguards and endearing fuzzball feet
and that wild robot head with eyes of albino red,
zig-zag nibble gob, and like scaly metal brain helmet? I dunno.
Weapon's a little bit less interesting and less well-integrated on this lad.
Simply a boring brown blaster that bifurcates into two chunks
that tuck snugly enough into his exploded varmint cape.
Never gets old watching him disappear into his other self!
And this rodent modent is like, so almost cute.
I love the tumpy hump back here, but the feet are so long and pink and naked and almost humanoid
that it gives me the jibblies.
And I don't know what's going on with his mouth
with the kind of Ninja Turtle scowl that looks so wrong on a rodenty snout.
You're havin' a Raph, ain't ya?
But yeah. It's not hard to see why Rattrap made it into the show!
The charm offensive is very powerful here, which is much more than I can say for Terrorsaur
who also made the leap from cheap 'n cheerful flipchanger to full-time small-screen starlet
and he's not even good!
This is easily the weakest of the bunch for me.
I can see why people like it, I suppose - the robot's got a neat helmet and the colours are swish,
and who doesn't love a pterodactyl don phorhynchus coatlus?
Oh, "pterosaur". D'you get it? Come on.
The flynosaur's got the feet all stuffed up under its chin,
the shite laser gun just rattles around inside the bum end, like a post box;
the robot barely stands, the chest is made of cloaca!
Like, THAT's your guy? This? In the main show? With the proper ones?
Just gonna flash up Beast Wars Neo Hydra here, because I've got him. He's purple. Whatever.
Anyway, back to the good ones with Iguanus, who sadly is kinda redundant when Megatron's in town
'cos it's basically the same toy but with a more boring animal mode
and the colours of poo and wee.
Ooh! I don't remember having sweetcorn.
Guess we could use him as a chance to show off the posing, which is broadly the same across the squad,
that is to say extremely flexible but kinda weak.
They can do a lot of poses, but they won't stand in them.
Like, these trademark slim limbs
are remarkably satisfying to handle, with super-tight 3mm hand holes and impressively effective micro ball joints
but like, not a lot of strength on the go. Chads in the hand, melts on the land.
I am a little bit in love with the lizard mode though. Look at that smile! He is frilled to be here.
Oh, shut up!
And with that, let's peak!
Let's hear an enamoured 'ello for Armordillo!
"Armordillo"? Like an armadillo, but with armour?
So, like an armadillo.
That's the dumbest shit ever. I'm so happy!
Now, y'all know I love a chunkster, and this nobbly knobhead is as dumb as they come
rockin' up with a whole soup bowl on his back and his tail curvin' up like a coat hook!
Why's he looking at me like that?
What's with the gormless grin and the Ironhidey dome helmet?
Hang about - Ironhide, Armorhide, Armordillo.
There ya go! I've decided they're related. That's canon now.
And the weapons are just unhinged!
Like, he's got a gun and a flail with feet on them, and they're on the backs of his hands that are feet that are claws?
Bro is SUCH a mess and I'm very invested.
Flipchange moment is as clean as it gets,
notwithstanding a slightly awkward weapons-as-feet moment -
honestly some of my favourite shit.
And the big dillo pad's animode is certainly a clumsy customer
with its enormous roundy wrinkle rump and oddly small rat-like nibble noggin.
But doesn't it just become its wonderfully regal pose?
Forearms outstretched luxuriantly like a mighty sphinx
or like, Anguirus pretending there's definitely not a bloke in here, honest!
Side note - this toy's had two repaints as Beast Wars Neo Bump and Robot Masters Psycho-Orb
so it's never had a name that wasn't brilliant.
And let's shut it down with the show-stopping shell shock of Snapper
who, by virtue of Beast Wars' almost offensive deterministic specist pigeonholing
has found himself on the Predacon team.
"The evil reptile and insect forces of the Predacons!"
But there's no way you're telling me THIS is a bad guy! He is SO cute.
Tell me you ain't charmed by his hopeless flappy limbs,
like a puppy that ain't grown into his legs yet;
the weird chibi face with de facto amphibigrin;
the little flick of the turtle tail tum! How is he not your fave?
And oh my God, wait til you see this spectacular shooter storage!
It's probably the best I've seen on any toy ever!
It just folds up and stealths into his shell, and it's gone!
For real, I got this guy loose and I didn't realise that I had his gun, or that he HAD a gun, for ten years!
It was just on him the entire time! Straight up bamboozled.
That is a phenomenal bit of work. It's the essence of Transformers,
even if it does mean that his gun's just a bit of shell with a plastic barrel on it.
Shove it in my shell, daddy!
Ah, God, I love this thing.
I love how his alt mode head pokes out of the shell a little bit when he turtlemorphs!
Oh, hello! [chuckles]
And the beast mode is pure cowabungasm!
It's a grand handful, just a solid little grenade of a thing!
The shell's wonderful - all dense and polished and ridgy.
It's friggin' Andrew Ridgy.
And the quality of the central bod makes it such gleeful whiplash that the legs are so terrible!
All four of 'em, all day long, dumb as rocks.
I think the front ones are trying to maintain some kind of illusion that they're connected somehow
and the back ones are just out there trailing behind him like tentacles.
It's straight lunacy and it's kind of why this lot work for me!
Do you get what I mean, that they sorta seem like a self-contained subline
almost separate from Beast Wars itself?
They're like the Rock Lords of Transformers.
It's like a microcosm, with its own distinct energy and clear creature themes for the two factions,
it's got its own Optimus and Megatron and a thematically appropriate supporting cast;
and while they all do the same thing, they all have their own distinct personality
and embody it with their whole chest
and anus.
So cheers for watching! Big thanks to Brentosaur and to Llama God for making this episode possible!
Thanks again to Magic Spoon! Don't forget to click the old link down there.
And until next time, keep it basic!
Oh, look at that. The first review in the new digs. Fancy that! Cheers for watching, everybody!
Thanks to everybdy who tuned into PulseCon as well, that was such a blast!
Had a great old time there, glad it went over okay!
And big thanks of course to everyone on Patreon who facilitates my shenanigans,
especially this time, TheMightiestSandwitch! Sounds delicious.
Check ya later, gang!
Be sure to subscribe for more Thew's Awesome Transformers Reviews.
Limited appeal, keeping it real.