(cheery music plays)
(studio audience claps)
- SO AT THIS POINT I THOUGHT WE WERE NEVER GOING TO FIND A TABLE.
- BUT I KNEW WE JUST HAD TO KEEP LOOKING, AND THEN WE WOULD FIND OUR TABLE.
- YEAH, SO WE TURNED A CORNER IN THE STORE, AND THEN THERE IT
WAS, OUR TABLE.
(both say) AND THAT'S HOW WE GOT OUR TABLE.
- HI MOM. BYE MOM.
- HONEY, YOU'RE LEAVING?
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SAT WITH THE TABLE YET.
- I'M TAKING CASANDRA TO THE CARNIVAL. I'LL SIT AT THE TABLE LATER.
- BUT THE PARTY'S JUST GETTING STARTED.
UH, HE DIDN'T EVEN SIT WITH THE TABLE.
- HE DIDN'T EVEN SIT WITH THE TABLE.
- SUCH A FUN PARTY, AND SUCH A GREAT TABLE.
I HAVE TO GO THOUGH. I PROMISED MY ROOMMATE I WOULD PICK HIM UP ONE OF THOSE
TINY TACOS FROM THE COOL FOOD TRUCK.
- WHAT? - OH, LET HIM GO TO THAT COOL FOOD TRUCK.
HEY JUST BE CAREFUL, I HEARD IT'S SUPPOSED TO SPRINKLE LATER.
- WHAT, BUT THIS IS L.A..
- IT'S JUST WHAT I HEARD.
BYE.
BUH-BYE.
- SO WHO WANTS TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH THE TABLE?
ONE AT A TIME.
- HEY WHERE ARE THOSE TINY TACOS FROM THAT COOL FOOD TRUCK?
- COULDN'T GET THEM - 10% PERCENT CHANCE OF RAIN OUTSIDE.
- 10% PERCENT?
WHAT IF I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE LATER?
- YOU CAN, JUST KNOW YOU MAY GET SPRINKLED ON.
- I'M NOT GOING TO LIKE GETTING SPRINKLED ON.
(cell phone rings)
- WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
- SOUND OUR CAMERA'S MAKING. IT'S EITHER THE CAMERA OR THE INTERNET.
- YOU MEAN A... - PHONE CALL.
- GOD HELP US.
- DON'T ANSWER IT.
- I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO A VOICE MAIL.
HELLO?
OH, IT'S MY COMMERCIAL AGENT.
- SEE IF THEY'LL REPRESENT ME.
- WE'RE THE SAME TYPE, AND I'M THREATENED BY YOUR TALENT, SO...
GREAT, AN AUDITION.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
OH, NO.
- WHAT IS IT?
- 4 P.M. SANTA MONICA.
- SANTA MONICA ON A FRIDAY?
I'LL CHECK THE TRAFFIC.
- I'LL BE HONEST, IT COULD BE A LITTLE TOUGH TO GET OVER THERE, BUT
SURE I'LL BE THERE.
YEAH WHAT IS IT, AND OFFICE CO-WORKER?
SCHLUPPY FRIEND?
SURE, UNLESS IT'S AT THE BEACH.
PLAY IT SMALL?
- OH NO. - WHAT?
- MY KICKSTARTER, AND I HAVE TO GIVE SOME OF MY MONEY
TO SOMETHING ONLY I CARE ABOUT.
(door knocks)
- CASEY.
CASEY WHAT IS IT?
WHAT IS IT?
CASEY WHAT IS IT?
A BOX?
WHAT'S IN IT?
WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
OOH... WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
- HEADSHOTS. 125 HEADSHOTS.
- UH, NOBODY EVEN USES THOSE ANYMORE.
- JEFF, DO YOU HEAR THAT
(sound of people chanting in the distance)
- WHAT IS THAT, ZOMBIES?
- WORSE,
IT'S OUR NEIGHBOR'S IMPROVE PRACTICE GROUP STARTING.
(chants of "1,2,3,4,5...")
- 2 HOURS OF THIS?
I CAN'T TAKE IT.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A CHANCE OF RAIN.
I GOTTA GO, HIKING.
AHHH...
MY ANKLE.
UH, GOD. GO WITHOUT ME.
GO TO (inaudible) WITHOUT ME.
- DO YOU WANT ANYTHING FROM YOGURTLAND?
- YES.
A YOGURT.
- AHHH...
IT'S TOO HOT.
- IT'S TOO HOT?
IT'S TOO HOT IN THE VALLEY.
- IT'S SO HOT.
IT'S TOO HOT IN THE VALLEY.
WHY DO I LIVE IN THE VALLEY.
- IT'S TOO...
WE SHOULD MOVE.
- IT'S SO HOT.
TAKE 2 OR 3 OF THESE MOMENTS IN L.A...
- I HAD A GREAT TIME. THANKS AGAIN FOR THAT COTTON CANDY.
- IT REMINDED ME OF YOU,
SOFT AND SWEET.
- I SHOULD GO, IT'S ALMOST DINNER TIME.
GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.
CASANDRA? I LOVE YOU.
- THANK YOU.
(both say) What the fuck?
- AH, DARN IT DAVE, WHY DID YOU SAY THAT - THAT WAS WAY TO EARLY TO SAY THAT.
- HE DIDN'T SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HE SAID "I LOVE YOU."
- MAN YOU LAID OUT YOUR CARDS WAY TOO SON, AND NOW SHE KNOWS YOU LOVE HER...
PROBABLY THINKS YOU'RE A BUFFOON.
WELL, THAT'S THE END OF THAT.
- DAVE? - YES, CASANDRA?
- I LOVE YOU.
- HEY MAN, IT'S JUST LIKE,
- I SHOULD GO. - OK.
(both say) What the fuck?
- HEY MAN? THAT'S NOT EVEN A COMPLETE THOUGHT. GAH!
SHE SAID SHE LOVED YOU.
(both say) ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SAY IT BACK, OR ANYTHING NORMAL.
- OH GREAT, HERE COMES HER DAD.
(car alarm chirps)
PLAY IT COOL DAVE.
- HEY DAVE. HECK OF A GAME YOU KIDS PLAYED LAST WEEK.
THANKS MR. BETTENDORF.
- WELL UH, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT YOUNG MAN.
- GOOD NIGHT - I LOVE YOU.
- ALL RIGHT.
(both say) What the fuck?
- OH, WHY WOULD I SAY THAT TOO HIM.
NOW HE'S GOING TO TELL CASANDRA. SHE'S JUST GOING TO THINK
THAT I SAY IT TO EVERYBODY.
- AH, THE KID'S PROBABLY CONFUSED. HE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T KNOW IF HE
LIKES GUYS, IF HE LIKES GIRLS. YOU GOTTA BE MORE OPEN TO KIDS THESE DAYS DON.
- NO, NO, HE PROBABLY THINKS I'M GAY.
THEN HE'S GOING TO TELL CASANDRA, AND THEN SHE'S GOING THINK I'M GAY.
BUT I GOTTA LETTER HER KNOW I'M NOT.
HOW? I KNOW, I'LL TELL HER I LOVE HER.
- COME ON DON, YOUR OWN BROTHER DIDN'T COME OUT TO YOU UNTIL
HE WAS 27 YEARS OLD. HE WAS WORRIED HOW YOU WOULD REACT.
YOU GOT TO GET OUT THERE, GRAB THE BULL BY THE HORNS, GIVE THE KID A HUG.
- I'LL LOOK AT HER AND SAY CASANDRA, I LOVE YOU.
- I'LL TAKE YOU TO A GAY CLUB.
- GREAT. - GREAT.
(both say) What the fuck?
- I SAID IT ONCE TO HER, AND TWICE TO HER DAD.
- THOUGHT I WOULD TAKE HIM TO A GAY CLUB.
- AND I SAID GREAT.
- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE REGULAR CLUBS ARE.
- WHY AM I STILL ON THE PORCH?
- IS HE STILL ON THE PORCH?
- DELIVERY FOR DON BETTENDORF.
- LET ME PAY FOR THAT, IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO TONIGHT.
- $16 DOLLARS.
- HERE'S 20.
- ALRIGHT, THANKS.
- THANKS, I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU TOO.
(both say) What the fuck?
- OK, BEND DOWN SO I CAN GET THE TABLE IN THERE.
NOW SAY TABLE.
- TABLE!
- OH, HEY, THERE YOU ARE YOU LITTLE SNEAKERS.
SNEAKIN' AROUND.
- HEY DID YOU SEE THE TABLE?
- OH, YEAH, I GOT IT A GIFT TOO.
- OOH, THANKS.
- HEY WAIT, WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND, THE ONE YOU'RE ALWAYS HANGING AROUND WITH,
THE REALLY GOOD LOOKING ONE?
(police siren is heard)
- WE GOT AWAY WITH IT.
- YEAH, TURN ON THE TV, SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING ABOUT IT ON THE NEWS.
- ABC'S DANIELLA BILLOTTA REPORTS.
- FRANK, IT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN THE PERFECT CRIME.
THESE ROBBERS MADE AWAY WITH A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS.
I SPOKE WITH RODERICK THOMPSON, A TELLER WORKING AT THE TIME OF THE ROBBERY--
- PERFECT CRIME.
- --AT THE TIME OF THE ROBBERY.
- WELL THERE WERE TWO GUYS.
THE FIRST GUY THAT CAME IN WAS A REAL PROFESSIONAL. HE HAD
FULL CONTROL OF THE SITUATION. THEN THE 2ND GUY STUMBLES IN
AND HE'S GOT A FACE LIKE A ROTTEN SALAMI.
- OH, HE WAS NOT WEARING A MASK?
- NO, NO, HE WAS WEARING A MASK. YOU COULD JUST TELL BY HIS
AWKWARD BODY THAT HE WAS NO LOOKER.
- HEY, THAT'S ME.
I'M THE 2ND GUY.
- LOOK MAN, IT'S PERFECT. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT WE LOOK LIKE, ALRIGHT.
WE'RE FINE.
- WHEN THE FIRST ROBBER CAME IN HE HAD THESE BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES, LIKE
PAUL NEWMAN AND BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID.
- (REPORTER): NOW HOW ABOUT THE OTHER MAN.
- (TELLER): THE UGLY ONE?
- (REPORTER): YES, YES, THE UGLY ONE.
- UH, HE WAS A DISASTER. I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE SOMEONE GAVE
A GUN TO A WALRUS.
- WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT'S PERFECT, THEY DON'T GOT A SINGLE
THING ON US.
- THEY'RE TEARING ME APART.
- SHUT UP-SHUT UP, THEY'RE ABOUT TO SHOW THE DRAWING.
- (REPORTER): ...THE KRUGER COUNTY POLICE...
- OH, SHIT. OH SHIT.
- OH SHIT WHAT?
- THAT DRAWING, IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE ME.
- BECAUSE THEY DREW YOU AS A HUMAN.
- (REPORTER): OFFICIALS ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH INFORMATION
ON THE WHEREABOUTS OF THIS DUO THAT POLICE ARE NOW CALLING
ICE MAN AND GARBAGE...
- ICE MAN AND GARBAGE?
- THAT'S IT... - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M CALLING THEM. - NO, C'MON MAN...
WE JUST MADE OUT WITH $250,000 THOUSAND DOLLARS OK.
DON'T MESS THIS UP.
THINK OF THE GAZEBOS WE COULD BUY WITH THAT MONEY.
THAT'S 4-5 REALLY NICE GAZEBOS, JUST SIT DOWN.
- (REPORTER): HEAR AT THE SCENE ONE THING IS FOR CERTAIN,
ROBBER NUMBER 2 SURE SEEMS LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT.
- OH, THAT'S IT. I'M CALLING THEM.
N-NO, THEY CAN'T SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT ME.
AND THEY CAN'T SAY THE WORD SHIT ON THE LOCAL NEWS.
- DON'T BLOW THIS.
- NO.
HELLO.
YEAH.
HI, THIS IS ROBBER... NO, GET...
I SAID, THIS WAS SOMEONE WHO WAS AT THE SEEN OF THE CRIME.
YEAH.
HEY I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, THAT YOU GOT ROBBER NUMBER 1
RIGHT ON.
ROBBER NUMBER 2, IS GETTING A LITTLE BIT OF A BAD RAP.
I MEAN SURE, HE'S NO FRED SAVAGE. WHO IS?
WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS THAT ROBBER NUMBER 2 IS ROBBER NUMBER 1 IN MY BOOK.
(POLICE KNOCK ON THE DOOR) - POLICE! OPEN UP.
- I CAN'T GO BACK TO PRISON MAN. I CAN'T.
(GUN SHOT)
- ICE MAN.
- OH MY GOD.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
- FIRST TIME SEEING A DEAD BODY?
- AND IT'S TALKING.
- UH, OH.
(GUN SHOT)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- WHO THE HELL IS THAT?
TELL THEM I'M NOT HERE.
- IT'S JUST THE PIZZA GUY.
GREAT THANKS. HOW'S YOUR NIGHT?
- WEIRD, I THINK I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP.
- ALRIGHT, HEY BRING HER OVER. YOU CAN TAKE A PICTURE WITH THE TABLE.
OK.
- WANTED TO SEE ME?
- MR. MANNERKNOCK , HERE AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY WE
TAKE CHEATING VERY SERIOUSLY.
I'M SORRY BUT WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GIVE YOU A ZERO ON THE EXAM.
- NO, I CAN'T GET AN F ON THIS TEST. MY PARENTS WILL KILL ME.
YEAH WELL, IT'S A TEST MR. MANNEKRNOCK, AND YOU CHEATED.
I'M SORRY THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW.
- WHAT IF I SUCK YOUR DICK?
- I'M GOING TO PRETEND I DIDN'T JUST HEAR THAT.
IF YOU WANT TO BOOST YOUR GRADE LEGITIMATELY I SUGGEST YOU GO HOME AND STUDY.
- I WILL, I'LL WORK SO HARD FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER,
BUT THIS TEST IS WORTH A THIRD OF OUR OVERALL GRADE. I NEED TO IMPROVE THIS SCORE.
JUST LET ME SUCK YOUR DICK.
DO--
DO YOU WANT TO SUCK MY,
PENIS?
- NO. EWAH...
I JUST KNOW THAT ALL GUYS LOVE GETTING THEIR DICK'S SUCKED.
SO I'M WILLING TO DO THIS SO WE BOTH CAN GET SOMETHING WE WANT.
ME A BETTER TEST SCORE, YOU, YOUR DICK SUCKED.
- I DON'T WANT THAT.
- YOU DON'T LIKE GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED?
- I LIKE IT JUST FINE, I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET IT FROM ONE OF MY STUDENTS.
- WHAT IF ANNE HATHAWAY WAS ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS?
WOULD YOU LET HER SUCK YOUR DICK?
- MR. MANNERKNOCK, I'M A MARRIED MAN.
- WHAT IF YOUR WIFE LOST HER MOUTH?
- LOST HER MOUTH?
- YEAH, YOUR WIFE LOST HER MOUTH AND ANNE HATHAWAY, WHO'S
ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS OFFERED TO SUCK YOUR DICK. DO YOU DO IT?
- MAYBE.
- MAYBE, OK... MAYBE...
- WHAT IF I PUT TAPE ACROSS YOUR WIFE'S MOUTH, AND I DRESS
LIKE ANNE HATHAWAY?
- YOU CLEARLY JUST WANT TO SUCK MY DICK.
- NO, NO I DON'T, OK.
I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO I LOVE.
I'VE BEEN DATING KRISTEN FOR 3 YEARS. AFTER COLLEGE, I PLAN TO MARRY HER.
I JUST KNOW HOW AWESOME IT FEELS TO HAVE YOUR DICK SUCKED, ALRIGHT.
SO YEAH, COME ON OVER HERE BIG BOY, I WANT TO S YOUR DICK.
- GET OFF YOUR KNEES.
- WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO STAND ON THIS TABLE?
- MR. MANNERKNOCK, YOU HAVE LONG AGO CROSSED THE LINE OF THE
STUDENT TEACHER RELATIONSHIP, AND I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO
CALL THE DEAN.
- NO WAIT, DON'T CALL THE DEAN.
WHAT IF...
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO OFFER THIS,
WHAT IF INSTEAD OF CALLING THE DEAN, WHAT IF I SUCKED YOUR DICK?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE ABOUT TO OFFER THIS.
YOU'VE BEEN OFFERING TO SUCK MY DICK THIS WHOLE TIME.
- NO, THIS TIME IT'S DIFFERENT.
THIS TIME I'M OFFERING TO SUCK YOUR DICK SO YOU DON'T CALL THE DEAN
AND TELL HIM THAT I OFFERED TO SUCK YOUR DICK.
- THAT'S THE SAME THING.
- FINE, THEN CALL THE DEAN, BUT TELL HIM I'LL SUCK HIS DICK.
IN FACT, LEAD WITH THAT. TELL HIM NICK MANNERKNOCK WILL SUCK HIS
TASTY DICK. THEN YOU CAN TELL HIM ALL YOU WANT ABOUT THE CHEATING OR WHATEVER ELSE.
- I'M NOT GOING TO LEAD WITH THAT.
- WHY NOT? YOU ALWAYS LEAD WITH GOOD NEWS FIRST.
- THAT'S NOT GOOD NEWS. MR. MANNERKNOCK SIT DOWN.
LOOK, YOU'LL NEVER, EVER, SUCK MY DICK, ALRIGHT.
THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY. THAT IS IT--
(phone rings)
I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.
HELLO.
WHAT?
OH MY GOD. YEAH, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
- IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
- MY WIFE,
SHE LOST HER MOUTH.
- I'M ANNE HATHAWAY. I'M HERE TO TAKE YOUR CLASS.
- OH, NOW YOU GOTTA LET ME SUCK YOUR DICK.
- FINE.
BUT YOU GOTTA GO.
- SO OUR OLDEST IS AWAY AT RUTGERS, AND I KEPT SAYING WE GOT
TO GET A TABLE.
SO WE DID AND HERE IT IS.
- I LOVE YOUR SPEEDO.
- OH, YEAH.
RIGHT, HEY, YOU GOT TO GO TO BED. I SAW THAT.
- OUR YOUNGEST HATES GOING TO BED.
DID YOU GET A PICTURE WITH THE TABLE?
- OH YOU GOTTA GET A PICTURE WITH THE TABLE.
- COME ON, C'MON...
- WHY DO ADULTS GET TO STAY UP AND I HAVE TO GO TO BED?
I WISH I WAS OLDER.
- I'M AN OLD MAN.
I'M AN OLD MAN.
- WHO ARE YOU? - I'M AN OLD MAN.
(they both scream)
(screaming is heard in the background)
- WHAT IS HE SCREAMING ABOUT?
- WOW, SUCH A GREAT PARTY.
- AND SUCH A GREAT TABLE.
- THANK YOU.
- WE REALLY SHOULD BE GOING.
- OH, OK, BYE. DRIVE SAFE.
- BYE.
- YOU KNOW I'M REALLY NOT SOLD ON THIS TABLE.
- I-I DON'T THINK I LIKE THIS TABLE,
AND I DON'T LIKE THIS TABLE.
- EVERYBODY GET UP.
OK, WE DON'T LIKE THE TABLE.
- OK, LET'S GET UP, AND LET'S GET UP.
- WE DON'T LIKE THE TABLE.
- AND WE DON'T LIKE THIS TABLE.
- WE DON'T LIKE THAT TABLE.
WE DON'T LIKE IT.
- WE'RE GETTING UP NOW.
- JUST GO. - NOW, PLEASE. HURRY UP.
- AND WE DIDN'T LIKE, AND WE DIDN'T LIKE...
(interposing convo)
- TAKE IT WITH YOU. DID YOU BRING THAT TABLE IN OUR HOUSE?
- EXCUSE ME MA'AM.
- LIFE ON THE OPEN ROAD. THIS IS AWESOME.
GOT ANY 7'S?
- NOPE.
AND GIN.
- AH, I WAS PLAYING GO FISH.
BOY THIS IS FUN.
- YEAH, NOTHING BEATS AN RV TRIP WITH A GOOD BUDDY.
- YOU SAID IT PAL.
THANKS AGAIN FOR DRIVING.
- I'M NOT DRIVING.
- WAIT, I'M NOT DRIVING.
AHH!!
- I THOUGHT I LEFT THIS IN EL PASO.
HEY DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE RV FAMILY THAT DROVE OFF THE CLIFF?
- YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT IT ON THE RADIO.
- OH, FANCY.
- WAIT, WHY AREN'T YOU DRIVING?
- WELL I THOUGHT IF THIS RV WAS GOING TO CRASH, I'D RATHER
BE HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIEND.
- THAT'S A NICE SENTIMENT.
WELL, SHOULD WE PLAY ANOTHER...
(action styled music plays)
GAME OF CARDS?
- LOOK.
AHH...
- THERE'S A MOUSE IN THE RV.
- NO, THAT'S NOT A THING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT.
LOOK OUT FOR THAT CLIFF...
BAR. YOU'RE ABOUT TO SIT ON MY CLIFF BAR.
- WHOA, THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
YOU WOULD'VE HAD TO EAT SMOOSHED CLIF BAR.
- MM-MMH. - NO.
- MM-MMH. - MM-MMH.
- WELL I GUESS IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.
AHHH...
(BOTH SAY): WE'RE GOING TO DIE!
THESE T-SHIRTS.
- AND MAKE TIE DYE SHIRTS.
(BOTH SAY): BOYS WEEKEND.
- OH, WE DID A GOOD SHIRT.
- WHOA, THAT LOOKS GOOD MOUSE.
YOU HIPPIE.
- OH, I HOPE MINE LOOKS LIKE THIS.
LOOK OUT!
THAT MOUSE IS TAKING YOUR PICTURE.
- I'M NOT WEARING ANY MAKE UP.
- WAIT, YOU DON'T WEAR MAKE UP.
- OH, I DON'T WEAR ANY MAKE UP.
- NO. - I DON'T.
- I MEAN YOU COULD.
- DON'T NEED TO. LOOK AT ME, HANDSOME HEAD.
- I THINK YOU WOULD LOOK GOOD IN MAKE UP.
AHHH...
THIS RV'S OUT OF CONTROL.
IT'S HEADING OFF THAT CLIFF, AND WE'RE GOING TO DIE.
AHHH...
WERE THE LAST WORDS OF THE CAMPING FAMILY.
- WHOA, THAT STORY IS TOO SCARY TO TELL BEFORE NAP TIME.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
- SWEET DREAMS DAVE.
- SWEET DREAMS CASEY.
(BOTH): SWEET DREAMS MOUSE.
AHH...
AHHHH...
(music plays)