- Holy crap, Maria, did you see the season finale
of "Game of Thrones" this week?
- Uh, are dragons real and living among us
and working as baristas?
Hello, Carmen.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- Let me just tell you, "Game of Thrones"
started off so strong this week giving a little shout-out to all
those pain-hungry queens.
- Maybe it really is all cocks in the end.
- And it's the annual Westeros corporate retreat,
and it is not going smoothly.
Every Day Root Touchup shows up late,
and so Dublin Gift Shop Crown is pissed.
- We've been here for some time.
- Sorry, I'm on DPT,
dragon people time.
Have you ever been a single mother without any kids?
It's hard.
I just have dragons.
- And it's Saturday, so nobody wants to be there.
- We are a group of people who do not like one another.
- Until they find out there's a magic show.
- We can destroy them by burning them,
and we can destroy them with dragonglass.
Are you ready?
- And then Jon and Christina, they were having
a little meet cute down at the boneyard.
And she was regaling him about how she
is barren as the Sahara, honey.
- I can't have children.
- Who told you that?
- The witch who murdered my husband.
- It's like, why does she have to brag?
It's like, yeah, I'm barren, too,
but I don't go telling people all the time.
- Yeah.
- I can't have babies, and it's awesome.
- And then my little baby Theon, he walks up
to this gang of beach dusters so he can sort out a search
party for Lena Dunham,
but Rapist Captain Crunch is not having it.
And then my baby Theon, he keeps getting up
in spite of the constant abuse.
[GRUNTING]
- And someone grows a set of new ones where none exist.
That's what happens with my husband.
He had to pull out a ball.
The doctor, to go in there, pull them
out, because you have to wait--
wait for it.
- Because he had an undescended nut?
- Yes.
Guess what, though?
They're fully descended now.
Then at the PTA meeting, we think Sansa Fierce is going
to execute Baby Kill Bill, but turns out Earl Grey gets
reversed Mr. Holland's Opused.
- You stand accused of murder.
You stand accused of treason.
How do you answer these charges?
Lord Baelish.
- Lady Sansa, forgive me.
I'm a bit confused.
- But instead of playing a symphony for him,
he has to play a neck solo.
- Sansa.
[GARGLING]
- No, that was, like, the best part of the whole show,
and I don't even watch the show.
I didn't even know who he was.
I didn't know who either of those girls were.
I didn't know why they were at Restoration Hardware
or, like, where they'd gotten all
those Urban Outfitters pillows to wear, but it was exciting.
- Meanwhile, back at Google Maps,
Vintage Mia Farrow is performing a full-on Jack Johnson concert
serving nothing but flip-flops.
- The darkness is coming for us all.
We'll face it together.
Let the Stark boy and his new queen defend the north.
We stay here, where we've always been.
- And then in a shocking turn of events,
Brother D and Vintage Mia Farrow,
the incest twins of our hearts, break up.
- It is the most shocking breakup since Joey left Rachel?
Or was it...
Ross?
Who was on that show?
- It was like--
- The Meat Lovers pizza, is that part of it?
- So back at Winterfell, Miss Cleo spills the family tea
to Tubby Lubby that Jon Snow is Targaryen, which means he's
Christina Aguilera's nephew, which for sure will not
lead to anything weird at all.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
All that buildup, and I essentially got my love scene
between those two broiled down to,
like, a Skintomax mean, you know, fifth grade
humping a pillow moment.
- But she's barren, right, so nothing's gonna happen anyway.
Except yet everything can happen if you're barren.
The world opens up.
And by the way, what a master class
in acting by the kid in the wheelchair, who's also blind.
Or is it both?
I can't tell, he's acting so fucking hard.
I'm already in the chair.
But you gotta get the blind.
[LAUGHING]
- Oh honey, and then in that last scene,
we had Approachable Karl Lagerfeld blasting
the shit out of Westeros sugar walls
on his new dragon, Eiffel 65.
♫ I'm blue da ba di da ba di da ba di da ba di.
- Those condos took a long time to put up.
This is a development.
We have, uh-- we have rules around here.
- What are we gonna do with this hair?
- I just think just enjoy it.
Oh no, the wall is falling.
I live in the ice wall.
What am I to do?
Maria, you're serving me Brienne of Tarth working
on that length realness.
What's going on?
It's like I'm from the Vale of Pretty.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Where are--
My dragons.
[BLOWING KISSES]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- You know what is a show that is an underrated and under appreciated
is "The New Adventures of Old Christine."
- Oh!
I haven't seen it.
- It was great.
She literally has won an Emmy for every show
she has ever done.
- OK, is that really that interesting anymore?
The greatness?
- No.
- I mean, haven't we seen it?
I want to see--
I want to see you at a low ebb.