A few weeks ago on an Ask Cristen episode on the differences between shyness and social
anxiety a question jumped out to me from Creo-Tan. 'I am terrible at comforting people even though
I hate seeing people sad or distressed. Can you do a video with tips on how to comfort
people?' Well yes I can. This is it. Hooray.
Comforting people is a skill that can take time to develop because it requires us exercising
sensitivity and empathy beyond what we probably exhibit on a day to day basis. But there are
a few good comforting rules of thumb that you can apply to everything from the truly
tragic or mortifying all the way to stubbing a toe or just having a really bad day. Here
are my three quick tips on how to turn yourself into the human equivalent of a warm robe and
soothing cup of tea. Step one: be present. Not just physically present but also mentally
and emotionally present. This, not comforting. Uh-huh. Oh that sounds awful. No I really,
I can't believe that happened. If the other person senses that you're pressed for time,
distracted or would just rather be doing something else not only is that not comforting but that
can also be hurtful. This doesn't mean that you have to drop everything immediately to
rush to someone's side to comfort him or her. If you have a deadline you're working toward
or a test that you're studying for or a crisis of your own you're dealing with you have the
right yes to say, 'I want to help you out and I want to listen to what's going on but
I got to take care of that so that I can be there one hundred percent for this.' Tip two:
Listen. This is not comforting. Here's how you fix the problem. It's easy to mistake
offering advice for comforting and a lot of times the two are not necessarily the same
thing because before you open your mouth you should open your ears. Once they're feeling
comforted they might ask for advice or suggestions or insights or a solution to a problem in
which case, yes, offer all of your brilliant ideas. Comforting tip number three: Validate.
This, not a comforting response. Oh don't be crazy. Aren't you over-reacting a little
bit? Nobody cries at the office. There's no crying in baseball. You probably should have
seen it coming. This goes along with the tip about listening because in addition to just
letting someone express what they're going through comforting someone also involves validating
their emotions. Do we sometimes need comfort from irrational fears, unnecessary dramas,
ridiculous events that are just overwhelming in general? Yes. Just hearing 'that does sound
like a bad day' or 'that is ridiculous' or 'you know what? I'd probably be crying too',
that makes us feel so comforted. Now of course if someone is expressing unhealthy, threatening
or dangerous kinds of sentiments about doing harm to themselves or others, yeah you can
step in and say hey nope, not going to validate that, that is not okay. Just one final word
to those watching who might think that they're terrible at comforting people because maybe
they're socially awkward or nervous or uncomfortable with approaching people in emotional distress
or don't know what to do to fix other people's problems, it's just important to remember
that comfort doesn't have to be delivered in a grand gesture nor is it actually fixing
someone else's problem. It's merely taking a little something of yourself, a little grain
of kindness inside of you that all of us have, whether we exhibit it on a daily basis or
not, and offering it to someone else who needs it. It's like giving a cup of water to someone
who is running in a marathon, they need it more than we do, we give something of ourselves
and you can do that through everything from just a kind look to a mere question of, 'Is
there anything I can do to help?' Just knowing that that resource is there, that that bridge
of empathy is there to walk across if they need it is often hugely comforting, probably
more comforting than you even realize.