Alright, there are two types of people, when it comes to restaurants
People, that lose their shit over every little thing
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!"
"THE PEAS ARE TOUCHING THE FUCKING MASHED POTATOES! WHAT ARE YOU, TRYING TO KILL ME?!"
And then there's people like me, who never complaint about shit
A waiter could come out with my food
And push a plate in front of me, that had nothing but, like, two turds on the plate
And I'd look at him and be like:
"Uh, this looks great, thanks!"
I just feel bad, I feel like an asshole, if I complaint about my food
Maybe it's because I worked in the food industry before
Or maybe it's because there's people starving in third world countries
Like.. Kenya or fucking.. South Detroit
But when I do eat out somewhere
I like to apply a little rule, called "The Two Hair Limit"
Because there's nothing worse than finding a hair in your food
Except maybe, like, somebody else's toenails or like a .. used tampon or something
And if I do find a hair in my food
Well, then I just do my best to pretend that never even happened
"What hair? I didn't find no damn hair!"
"Probably just like, a.. weird noodle or something"
"Definitely not somebody's crotch hair though, I know that!"
But if I take another bite, and I find another fucking hair, that's it, the dinner's done!
And it's always that nastiest longest goddamn hair you've ever seen in your life
"What the hell is this shit?! What, did a fucking woolly mammoth make my food?!"
But you don't got to worry about that with a fancy restaurant
I don't go to a lot of fancy restaurants
But we did go to one in Chicago one time
It was WAAAAY out of our league
The fucking menus at this place were like, nicer than my high school yearbook and shit
We walk into this place, and we're instantly out of character
Everybody in there's dressed up and looking like the fucking Monopoly guy
I look over at my body Gary and he's wearing a fucking Chive t-shirt
Everybody's looking up from their plates
And staring at us, because they can smell the poor off us
"Uhhmm.. do we got to take our shoes off, before we come in?"
"Can we wear shoes in here? I don't know, what I'm doing!"
They sit us next to this real ritzy family and I'm pretty sure we just ruined their dinner instantly
I can hear their conversations next to us, and they don't sound anything like our conversations
"Investment, mutual stock option, blurty-blurty.. Money.. mathematics.. bluerrrggghhh"
"One time my cat threw up in the kitchen and I stepped in it barefoot!"
But we were like: "You know what? Fuck these people!"
"Let's.. let's get the most expensive steak, that they have here!"
"That will show their hoity-toity asses!"
And I look at the menu, and there's a $100 steak on there
"The fuck does a $100 steak taste like? Well, we're about to find out!"
I'm asking the waiter:
"Uhm.. do I get a handjob before or after I get the steak?"
"Because for a hundred fucking dollars there better be a handjob somewhere in the goddamn equasion!"
So they give us this steak, this thing's humongous!
They're charing us, like, shipping and handling fees just to bring the goddamn thing out
And we ate it! We ate it all! Like kings!
And I grabbed the microphone and I stood up and I said: "YOU SEE?!"
"YOU SEE, YOU, FUCKING FANCY-PANTS MONOPOLY PEOPLE?!"
"US POOR PEOPLE CAN EAT YOUR FANCY-PANTS STEAK!"
"SO GO FUCK YOURSELVES!"
"DON'T PASS GO, DON'T COLLECT $200, AND GO FUCK YOURSELVES!"
And then I dropped the mic *Pop*
And got the hell out of there
But before we left, we had to pay our bill
And when I was looking at the bill, I was like: "Hhh..Ooooww piss!"
It looked like a 3-year-old was playing with a calculator
And just put a bunch of random numbers in there
And as I'm sitting there, all I can this about is.. The ending of Home Alone 2
Where Kevin McCallister's dad's flipping out at the room services bill, and he's like:
"KEVIN! YOU SPENT 958 MILLION BAJILLION DOLLARS ON A STUPID-ASS STEAK IN CHICAGO?!"
"No, shit, I gotta go, my dad's pissed! Here, homeless lady, have a turtledove!"
And I just wanna say
That's pretty shitty of Kevin McCallister giving this goddamn homeless lady a fucking turtledove
That fucker's parents are rich as hell, they're in a hotel room, full of free shit
The bitch is out here, sleeping under the bridge with a bunch of pigeons
"Oh yeah, no, thanks, Kevin! Thanks for the fucking Christmas tree ornament"
"I'm sure I'll put it on my fucking Christmas tree that I don't have!"
"If I don't fucking freeze to death first, you fucking 10-year-old bitch!"
"See if I fucking save your ass from Daniel Stern again!"
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