- I dunno, I've never really been on a worst date.
Okay, well, I guess one time,
I got kidnapped.
- The worst date I've ever been on?
- This could be a long one.
- So, what happened was--
- One time in college--
- I was, like, 18 or 19.
- I went on a date once with someone
and I knew I shouldn't have done it.
- Because it was, like, a Tinder date.
- A Tinder date.
- It was a Tinder date, of course.
Should I even say anything else?
- We were at, like, dinner.
- And he was very polite.
- Things were going really well,
we had some good chemistry.
- Turned out to be an escort.
- He ordered spaghetti--
- And neither of us had enough money to pay for it.
- He ate it with his hands.
- And as we were walking out of the restaurant,
the waiter actually, like, chased me down.
- I went over to his house and he's like--
- "Okay, you just have to be quiet,
"'cause my wife is upstairs."
- And he had a freaking cast on his foot.
- And he smelled like--
- Bagels.
- But back then, I was kind of goth.
- Then the election happened.
- And then she, like--
- Threw up outside of my car.
- It starting raining.
- And then he brought me to--
- Olive Garden.
- He would say, "Elbows off the table, if you're able."
- I choked, spilled the entire drink all over the table.
- She cried during it.
- Grabs me and kisses me, and says,
"Whether you like this date or not,
"you will always remember me."
- And then he was like,
"I'm looking for a wife."
And I was like, "Hm."
- Do you guys know what homecoming is?
- It was a school dance.
- And she shows up, wearing hot pants to prom.
- And after the prom, I went back to her house
and ate cherry pie with her mom.
- And that person ended up being a really horribly racist,
South African white person.
- We had nothing in common.
- He would ask me a question, and then I would start
to answer and then he would just start talking.
- About his ex-girlfriend.
- He said that he had a girlfriend that was married.
So I was like, "What is going on?"
Like, "What's happening here?"
- This guy drank an entire bottle of sake
and then he made some case against how he thinks
that most rape accusations are false.
And then I made up an emergency
and I got the fuck out of there.
- I went out on a date with someone who,
the more they drank, the more obnoxious they got.
- He was already drunk.
- She showed up, absolutely wasted.
- I met this person online.
- And I knew, as soon as I saw this person, that--
- I got catfish.
- Catfish.
- The worst date?
- Oh.
(exhales)
- They've all been either, just like,
great or really great, so.
- I don't know, I guess, like--
- I got stood up at a Dairy Queen.
- In the middle of the woods.
- I think that's what made it a bad date.
- This one time, I was super hungry,
and I wanted to get my own side of tater tots.
But I was like, "If you want your own tater tots,
"I'll buy you yours."
She's like, "No, it's all good."
Finally get my tater tots, she wants to eat my tater tots.
- It was horrible.
- The worst I ever been on was--
- I went to the movies with this guy.
- Took me to this really boring sci-fi movie.
- And it was an awesome movie,
but the guy was like, shitty as fuck.
- He made me buy my own food at the movie theater.
- I went on a date, and I didn't even know
it was a date until it was over.
- We were making out in my car.
- And he says--
- "You have a giant, clear bug on your eyebrow."
And I like, pulled off this, like, weird, lice-looking bug.
It was like, the size of a bean.
- And his whole family is there,
and he introduces me as his girlfriend.
And then they spoke another language,
so they were speaking another language
while I was just sitting there awkwardly,
in the room while they were all staring at me.
- I have never-- - Never--
- Never-- - Never--
- Actually-- - Been on a date.
- Ah, well, it was just a,
I guess--
- I don't even know, I don't even wanna explain this.
- I didn't find him attractive.
- The guy was shorter than me.
- He didn't talk at all.
- He didn't say a word.
- She worked at a pet store
and she smelled like the pet store.
- He dissed my favorite radio station
and said it was the worst ever.
- It was actually double date,
and the other dude's girlfriend ended up holding
my then-boyfriend's hand.
- Got dumped two days later.
- The worst date I've ever been on was when I--
- Went to a dog park with a guy.
- It was the first time I really met him.
- He was extremely nervous.
- Very first words out of her mouth was,
"You honestly wore that?"
And I was like, "This is gonna go fuckin' awesome."
And then I went to the bathroom,
and I came back later in the night.
He was making out with another girl at the bar.
- He basically left me at--
- Chuck E. Cheese.
- Attached to a brothel.
- They didn't even get our food out on time.
- I didn't even get to eat.
- He was pretty much already proposing to me,
and I had just met him that night.
- Yeah, I think that's the worst on I've ever been on.
- I was just ready to go home.
- So yeah, that was one of my awkward dates.