- Maybe your boyfriend asked to open your relationship,
maybe that guy you're talking to on Tinder
already has a husband.
Maybe you can't stop thinking about
that cute guy that you met at that conference
even though you're already in a relationship.
Whatever your reasons,
if you're watching this video you might be wondering
if an open relationship is right for you.
I'm gonna help you figure that out.
But first, hey there,
if you don't already know me,
my name Brian G. Murphy.
I'm an activist, educator and certified relationship coach
and I help guys like myself build and sustain relationships
that are fun and fulfilling.
So if you're trying to figure out
if an open relationship is right for you,
let me tell you I have been there.
And I've helped tons of people answer
that question for themselves.
So here are some clarifying questions
that you can ask yourself to figure it out.
Is an open relationship right for me?
Do you want to hook up with or date other people?
This is one of the most important questions.
Do you want it?
Like, on a base level.
Not worrying about what your parents will think
or how you'll handle vacations
or will the kids be alright,
but just like, do you want to hook up
with other people, or date other people.
And if you don't, that doesn't necessarily mean
that an open or polyamorous relationship
isn't right for you.
That could still be a fun and fulfilling way
to structure a relationship.
Just as long as it's freely chosen
and whoever you're with is going into it
with thoughtfulness and grace.
Is there something missing from your current relationship?
Trying to find another partner to fill whatever
is missing in your relationship,
can be like trying to put a bandaid on a bullet hole.
A quick fix to a much deeper issue.
But not always.
If what you're looking for is
because of differing sex drives,
or an interest in a particular kink,
or because you want to live with a partner
and your partner wants to live alone,
or because you just want some more diversity.
That's all totally naturally.
But if what's missing in your relationship
is something deeper, like trust, or empathy,
healthy communication or a real commitment to each other
an open relationship isn't going
to fix those types of systemic issues.
And in fact, it can make it even worse.
- How are your communication skills?
And if you're in a relationship,
how are your partner's?
Being in an open or polyamorous relationship involves
a lot of communication.
You're cutting against so many cultural norms
and that takes work.
You got extra people's time, energy, needs
and feelings to manage.
You've got to be really intentional
about what you want out of your own life
and your relationship together.
You're going to have to be able to have conversations
in a healthy and productive way.
You're going to have to be able
to hear uncomfortable things,
you've got to be able to say no
and have it respected.
Do you trust yourself and your partner
to navigate these conversations thoughtfully
and respectfully.
Which leads me to my next question.
Do you feel safe, stable and secure?
This can be a tricky one because even just thinking about
an open relationship can be deeply unsettling
in a culture that is ingrained with monogamy.
The question itself might just make you feel unsafe
or insecure.
But setting all of that aside for a second,
there's a bigger question of like,
in general, do you feel safe and secure
in this relationship?
Are you able to see each other's needs,
collaborate to get those met,
do you take care of each other,
in thoughtful and respectful ways?
And outside of your relationship
do you have a support system
of friends and family in place
that can support you,
so you're not just leaning entirely
on this one person in your life.
Regardless of whether you're in an open
or polyamorous relationship,
having a support system outside of your partner
is going to be so important
for having a healthy relationship.
Are you willing and able to ask for what you want and need?
I think that it's important
for you to be able to ask for what you want or need
in any healthy relationship.
Now if you're single and you want your next relationship
to be open from the beginning
or you're dating someone who's already in a relationship,
this might actually be easier for you
because you don't have a history of monogamy together
and all of the assumptions that go along with that.
Sometimes, like you should just know what I want
and what I need at all times,
without me having to say it.
So, get comfortable figuring out what it is that you want
and you need and then asking for that directly.
Do you spend all of your time with
and energy on your boyfriend/husband/partner?
If so, regardless of whether you decide
an open relationship is right for you,
I'm gonna invite you to diversify your base
of friendship and support.
We humans have these balancing needs
of needing to be independent and interdependent.
Autonomous and in community.
If you're used to spending every waking moment
with your partner, even spending a night alone
by yourself, whether with friends or at the office,
can feel totally scary and overwhelming.
Let alone jumping right into a date,
or a sleepover, right.
Remember that no matter how much you love your partner
or your boyfriend, or your husband,
you're still two individual people.
That's what drew you to each other in the first place
and that's what's going to sustain you going forward.
So take some time to cultivate your own interests
and activities.
These little bits of uniqueness and separateness
are opportunities for you to fall in love
with each other all over again.
If your responses to any of these questions
have got you thinking that maybe an open relationship
isn't right for you, that doesn't mean
that it's never going to be right for you.
Or that you aren't built that way, or whatever.
It just means that that's where you are right now
and where you are right now is absolutely okay.
I've actually worked with a lot of people
who were really nervous or hesitant about an open
or polyamorous relationship.
They thought that it would never work for them.
And then once they put that relationship into practice,
it ended up being really fun and fulfilling for them.
But that doesn't mean that non-monogamy
is right for all people at all times.
There very well might be ten commitments
or an intense emotional commitment
or personal development work that you need to do
or issues in your current relationship
that you need to work through before you get started.
My invitation to you today
is to take some time to really think
about what an open or polyamorous relationship
might look like for you.
If that's something you're really excited about, awesome.
But also, take some time to think about some
of the obstacles that might come up
and how you would address them.
You don't wanna rush into this half-cocked.
And if you're nervous about an open relationship
or about polyamory,
take some time to think through what benefits
that might bring to you.
It's not only the scary stuff, you know.
Now regardless of whether you choose monogamy
or polyamory or an open relationship
or something else entirely,
you deserve a relationship
that is fun and fulfilling for you.
And ultimately you're going to know best, what that is.
If you're in the thick of it,
in the midst of trying to figure out
if an open relationship or a polyamory is right for you,
I have been there, I get that,
I'm going to be making more videos
to help you figure that out for yourselves.
Head on over to briangerald.com/hello
to let me know what it is that you're going through
so that I can make stuff that's most applicable to you
and I'm always available to chat one-on-one.
We can work through whatever it is
that you're dealing with.
I would love to hear from you.
Remember to subscribe for new videos,
every Wednesday afternoon.
We're talking about all the things
that gay guys need to have relationships
that are fun and fulfilling.
Things like, sex, jealousy, shame, hooking up,
healthy communication, open relationships
and so much more.
And I'll see you next week.
Bye for now.