I found out that, when I took a drink--
if I took one drink, then that was it.
The game was over.
I couldn't put it down until the last can of beer
had been drunk.
So if I went out on a Friday.
And I'd be out till Sunday.
It was an escape, because I couldn't deal with things
in the normal world.
I had this mask--
this mask that I would put on.
And everybody would say-- oh, there's the bag man coming,
or we'll get a good team tonight, or-- oh-- here's Ross.
We'll get a good laugh.
And it was just a mask, to hide the pain
that I was feeling inside.
When I took a drink, it would just take it all away.
I would take all that away.
But in the long run, it would make it worse.
It was destroying my relationships.
I wanted to be a good partner to Mandy.
I wanted to be a good dad.
And I wanted to change.
I wanted to move forward.
I wanted to be different.
But the alcohol just kept drawing me back.
And then everything came to a head.
It was 9 o'clock on a Sunday morning.
The weather was already bad.
It was really foggy.
It was wet.
I'd been drinking.
We'd been up all night partying.
So my friend who was with me and myself-- we
decided to come home.
Because of the fog, I couldn't see anything.
[BREAKS SCREECHING]
[CRASHING NOISE]
We hit the tree.
And then everything just went black.
I woke up in the hospital.
I was lying on the bed.
And Mandy was there.
And I had a neck brace on.
But I heard my dad's voice.
They told me what had happened and my friend
who was with me-- that-- that they hadn't made it.
They-- they'd passed away.
And my heart sank.
It was just so, so painful.
I mean-- it was--
it was me that done it.
The first person I thought about was his mum.
And that was the first person I thought about--
was his mum.
Survivor's guilt is probably the worst thing
I've ever had to live with in my life.
It just eats away at you--
eats away-- eats away.
Really, after that point, I just started asking myself, why--
why am I here?
Why-- why did I survive?
Why didn't I go as well.
Why did my friend have to die?
Why-- why?
I drank again, because these bad feelings
that I had before-- they were intensified.
They were multiplied a hundred fold.
I did think about ending it.
I just thought, it'd be better if I wasn't here--
that it would be easier-- that it would just take it away.
I knew I'd be charged, because of the--
because of what happened.
Because obviously, somebody had died.
And I was--
I was willing to take these consequences,
because it was my fault. I was guilty.
Obviously, I was-- I was over the alcohol limit.
And I was charged.
I got sentenced to 6 years in prison.
And I thought, my fiancee and my sons--
how are they going to cope?
What are they going to do?
The first time going through the gates of the prison--
it was so intimidating.
It was scary.
I'm not going to lie.
That was one of the scariest things I've ever done.
And my soul was just dead, empty, worthless.
[CLICKING NOISE]
I was released after three years on parole.
All the feelings that I had before were still there.
but they were magnified, because I had this guilt now,
because of the accident--
and also a guilt for having left Mandy
and the boys on their own.
So I struggled with that.
And again, my coping mechanism was alcohol.
And it was starting to beat me again.
That was the lowest point--
then, when I finally realized, I had to change.
I had to change.
I started to have thoughts again of God.
The seed that was planted when I was in prison--
it was still there.
The prison chaplain, Bob-- he would came along
for a cup of tea.
We would just chat.
I know it now.
I didn't know it then.
But he was just witnessing to me.
He was just direct feeding me wee bits
of information about his faith, where he had been, his story.
And I thought, I need to--
I need to work on this seed, not drown it with alcohol.
I'd been threatening to Mandy for a long time--
I'm going to go to church.
And she's like, yeah, right--
whatever.
So I got out there on a Sunday, when out,
and I went directly to the church
that I'm still a member of.
I still go to this church.
And the pastor was standing at the door.
And I just says, I'm looking for God.
And he just says, come in, son.
You've come to the right place.
I remember, I sat down.
And I sat in the back.
Immediately, I felt a sense of peace that--
some strange way-- things were going to be OK.
It was one of the elders that was preaching.
It was the story of Zacchaeus.
And it was the last verse, when it says, the son of man
has come to seek and to save that which was lost.
And I just thought, I'm lost.
The pastor got up.
And he put the call out.
And he said, if anybody would like to receive
Christ, come in the front.
And we'll pray with you.
And I was up out my seat like a rocket.
Something just took over me.
And I was like-- ah!
Woof!
I'll go.
I'll go!
I just had to give it all up to Christ that day.
I'll never ever forget what happened--
never forget what happened.
But I couldn't live with the guilt any longer.
And He saved me from myself.
I can set on a Saturday night and enjoy
sitting, watching the telly with my wife,
not thinking about a drink.
Because that desire for alcohol--
He's just came in and just been like that-- "whoo!"
I'll take that-- gone.
My purpose is to obviously be a good husband, father.
But I've got a purpose to tell others
what Jesus has done for me.
If I can change even one person's life,
it could prevent so many people from going through heartache,
just because I went and shared my story.
He has transformed this alcoholic, ex-prisoner, crazy
guy.
And now, I'm finally free.
The Bible says, for by grace are ye saved--
through faith.
And that-- not of yourselves.
It is the gift of God, not of works.
So lest any man should boast, you cannot save yourself.
There is not enough goodness that you
could do to save yourself.