I'd like to start tonight with a topic that's pretty
important to me, all right--
water.
Now, I don't-- I don't know about you guys,
but I'm, like, 60% water, OK?
It's-- it's kind of my thing.
And if you'd like to put even more water in your body,
well, here's some news worth celebrating.
This morning, the Biden administration
is announcing the first ever national
standard for some harmful chemicals in drinking water.
And a new US rule will impose the first ever limits on PFAs,
or so-called "forever chemicals," in drinking water.
The EPA is now requiring utilities
to reduce the toxic chemicals to the lowest level
that can be reliably measured.
The agency claims this will reduce exposure for 100 million
people and help prevent thousands of illnesses,
including cancers.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
I like not getting cancers.
Now, I know it's not cool to say nice things
about big government.
But this is kind of exactly what it's made for, right?
I mean, that and bailing out banks.
But that's not the point.
Look, look, personally-- personally,
I'm not worried about forever chemicals,
because my Brita filter has still been
going strong after nine years.
But it's still a good idea to cut them out,
even if it costs money.
Now, people have called me a big spender,
but I am willing to pay a little more
for water that doesn't make everyone
I love throw up and die.
And it's the same reason I buy name
brand Cheerios and not the Asbestos on the bottom shelf.
Now, it'd be one thing if forever chemicals tasted good.
Like, if they had that same flavor as the cucumber water
sitting in the lobby of that Hampton Inn
for who knows how long.
You know, then I'd be like, yeah,
it's worth getting the cancer.
But since there's no flavor, I mean, this is a no-brainer, OK?
Water is supposed to be healthy.
That's why your one weird coworker
has that giant [BLEEP] bottle.
Because she wants to rub it in your face how healthy she is.
And it's not just water we have to clean up.
Did you see this news about Lunchables today?
I mean, it turns out that they have dangerous amounts of lead.
Why do we do this?
Why do we poison everything?
Lunchables are supposed to be healthy.
OK, they're not, but they shouldn't
have [BLEEP] lead in them!
How did lead even get in there?
I guess if I were an aspiring chef and I ended up
working at Lunchables making food
for a bunch of little shits who have no palate and obviously
no understanding of umami, I might just grind up
a bunch of pencils into their food,
now that I think about it.
But let's move on.
If you're one of those people who
like sending handwritten letters on special paper
to your loved ones, first of all, stop.
Nobody wants to read all that.
Just send a text.
And second of all, sending letters just
got more expensive.
Stamp prices are about to increase.
The US Postal Service files the notice
that it plans to raise the cost of the first class forever
stamps from $0.68 to $0.73.
Ugh.
Yeah, I know.
That's right, the price of a stamp is going up $0.05--
which doesn't seem like a lot, because it's not.
Look, I know it's not cool to say nice things
about big government.
But the post office, everybody, it's
still a pretty good deal, OK?
Imagine if it didn't exist and some Silicon Valley tech bro
pitched this as a start up.
All right, listen up.
It's called "BluBox."
OK?
Now, you take a letter, you put it in any BluBox anywhere
in the country.
We'll find it.
We'll transport it to anywhere else in the country
within three days.
And the best part, it'll only cost you $40 a month-- $45
without ads.
And of course, we get to steal--
of course, we get to steal all your personal data.
But welcome to BluBox.
It's very hard to cancel.
That was my BluBox.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
Right?
Yeah, Post Office.
And finally, let's talk about the Supreme Court--
the law's final boss.
Ooh, this crowd is mad at the Supreme Court.
We've had no shortage of reminders
lately about the Supreme Court's shift to the right.
They overturned Roe, they killed affirmative action.
Last summer they issued that ruling that just said, no homo.
And part of the reason conservatives
were able to do all that is Ruth Bader
Ginsburg resisted calls to step down when Obama was president.
Which meant that when she died, Donald Trump
was able to appoint her replacement.
And now the Democrats are at a high risk
of losing the Presidency and Senate in November,
they're thinking maybe we shouldn't trip over
our own dick a second time?
Growing calls from the left for Supreme Court Justice Sonia
Sotomayor, one of their own, to step down and leave the bench.
The point for the 69-year-old Sotomayor
to retire while Democrats control the White
House and the Senate, and then they
can choose her replacement.
Democratic Senator Richard Blumenthal
recently voiced support for Sotomayor stepping down.
Saying, you know we should learn a lesson.
And it's not like there's any mystery here about what
the lesson should be.
Yeah.
Yeah, there sure isn't.
Obviously, the lesson is RBG should have retired--
or if they would have listened to me,
turned her in some immortal robo judge.
But for some reason, neither of those things happened.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
And now Democrats are trying to avoid
that mistake with Sotomayor.
But it's a tricky situation.
Sotomayor is 69 years old-- which by definition is
nice, right?
And it's a little ironic that Democrats are trying
to push her out at the exact same time they're trying
to elect a president who can tuck
his testicles into his sock.
But on the other hand, it's-- it's just smart politics.
And I know people are saying this isn't fair to Sotomayor,
but you got to have a little perspective.
It's not like they're going to melt her
down to make the new justice.
She gets to retire.
She's going to make money.
She's going to sit by the pool.
She won't have to spend her days pretending to like
her co-workers anymore.
She can spend them pretending to like her family.
And I don't care if she retires or not.
I just hate that we have to go through this every few years.
And like everything else in America,
this is the founding fathers' fault.
They decided for some reason that the Supreme Court justices
get lifetime appointments, and now
they're basically the forever chemicals of democracy.
And it's not great for the rest of the country.
Yeah.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
It's not great for the rest of the country.
And it's certainly not dignified for the justices.
Everyone's first thought when you die shouldn't be "Yes!
A job opening."
All right, here's my proposal.
If they're going to get to stay in the court
for their entire lives, at a minimum
the justices should be required to lead more dangerous lives,
you know?
You can stay on the court as long as you want,
but you have to do an annual running of the bulls.
Right?
But if Sotomayor does retire before November, who will
Democrats replace her with?
To find out, we go live to the Democratic party
headquarters and Troy Iwata.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Troy-- Troy, what are Democrats looking for in a new justice?
I assume a liberal track record, some racial diversity?
Nope, youth.
Their only requirement is youth.
If you make any noise when you stand up,
they don't want you, OK?
OK, so who are Democrats looking for?
A judge in their 40s?
I said youth, Kosta.
OK, well, I'm in my 40s, so.
Oh, ew.
Younger.
OK, so a law student?
OK, so they're thinking of going baby.
You know, like really taking advantage
of that full lifetime appointment-- birth it,
slap it, wrap it in a robe. - Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on.
Troy, that's ridiculous.
Babies aren't allowed to be in the Supreme Court.
Oh, there is no age limit to be on the Supreme Court.
Check your Constitution, you tall bitch.
I mean, I--
OK, but how will you even get a baby through a
confirmation hearing?
They'd be screaming and crying the whole time.
It worked for Brett Kavanaugh.
OK. All right, but--
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE] --hold on.
Hold on.
A baby-- a baby can't do the job of a Supreme Court justice.
What, you mean sit and bang their little law
hammer while wearing a sleep sack?
I think a baby can handle it.
OK.
All right.
And I-- I can't believe I'm even asking this,
but how would Democrats even know the baby will be liberal?
Well, they'll just bribe them.
Babies are super easy to bribe.
You just give them a juice box and
they'll rule however you want.
All right, that's-- that's really unethical, Troy.
And-- you can't bribe a judge.
Oh, all right.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
I'll ask Clarence Thomas if he's OK with it.
OK, well--
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
Has-- has the gamesmanship of American politics
really come to this that we're putting a baby on the court?
OK, all right.
Fine, we'll stick with the current plan
where all our rights depend on which of our decrepit
jurists' body wear out the fastest.
Is it Sotomayor?
Is it Clarence Thomas?
Spin the wheel of death-- - OK, you know what?
- --and we'll find out. - You're right, you're right.
Baby judge is easier.
Troy Iwata, everybody.