Well, that’s my video essay about Halloween-themed episodes of MacGyver done!
What next?
. . . I feel like I’m forgetting something.
. . . “Is Commander Riker a Womanizer?
(Commission from Arne Seifert)” — that’s scheduled to go up October 26, so I’ve still
got — fuhhhhhh—
How the hell am I gonna be able to get this video out today?
There’s not a chance.
I mean, I never announced a release date, or the fact that I was making the video at
all, so I could just cut myself some slack and push my self-imposed deadline — NO!
I decided this video would come out today, and who am I to argue with me?
Besides, I owe it to the person who commissioned me to make this video nearly a year ago to
get it done in a timely fashion — now think, Shives, THINK!
. . . Eureka!
The solution is so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t see it until now — god, I’m
a fool!
If the subject is a question about Commander Riker, what better place to start than by
asking Commander Riker?!
God, I’m a genius!
. . . Excuse me?
Commander?
Arne Seifert, an inquisitive and generous viewer of mine, wants to know: are you a womanizer?
[Riker:] . . . What?
[Steve:] Are you a womanizer?
[Riker:] . . . That’s how you start a conversation?
No “Hey, how have you been?”
No “Pardon me, could I please have a moment of your time?”
[Steve:] I know I’m being a little abrupt, but the
thing is—
[Riker:] No jokes riffing on the fact that I’m a
portrait on a wall?
[Steve:] I really didn’t have time to think of a
joke on the way in here—
[Riker:] It’s not hard.
“I’m ordering dinner for later — I could get you something, if you plan on hanging
around” — was that hard?
[Steve:] All right, look, I’d love to stand here
and banter with you, but I’m in a bit of a time crunch.
Can you just answer the question?
[Riker:] Am I a womanizer?
[Steve:] Yes.
[Riker:] No!
[Steve:] You’re not a womanizer?
[Riker:] No, I’m a serial monogamist.
[Steve:] Okay.
. . . What’s the difference?
[Riker:] Well, for one thing, “womanizer” has an
inherently sex-negative connotation.
I would never choose to characterize myself that way.
So-called “womanizers” are people who frequently engage in casual sex, but as long
as all parties involved are fully informed consenting adults, there’s nothing inherently
wrong with casual sex.
For another, I wouldn’t describe myself as someone who frequently engages in casual
sex.
Of course I have engaged in it from time to time, but I would say the majority of my sexual
partners have been people I’ve had serious relationships with, or at least been interested
in as more than just a fling.
[Steve:] Great.
Can you give me a couple of examples?
[Riker:] Examples of . . . times I haven’t been a
womanizer?
[Steve:] Yeah!
See, the way these videos usually go is, I’ll state my thesis at the beginning, and then
I’ll support it by summarizing an episode or two of a Star Trek show that’s relevant
to the topic.
[Riker:] Uh-huh.
[Steve:] And I’ll deliver the summary in this breezy,
extremely informal voice, as though I’m telling a story to some friends at a party
or something.
I don’t know if you’d be comfortable doing that, too, but if you could, that would be
great.
[Riker:] So, you basically want me to just do your
video for you.
[Steve:] The commission was fifty bucks — if you
want, I can split it with you.
[Riker:] I come from a world where money no longer
exists — what am I gonna do with twenty-five dollars?
[Steve:] I was gonna offer you ten, but point taken.
[Riker:] Ten?!
Out of fifty?!
That’s an eighty/twenty split!
Are you out of your mind?!
[Steve:] Hey, I’m still doing most of the work here!
I’ve got to edit this!
I’ve got to . . . make a thumbnail!
And then post the video.
And moderate the comment section.
[Riker:] That does sound exhausting.
[Steve:] It’s like having your soul crushed in a
waffle iron being closed in slow motion.
So, will you help me?
Please?
[Riker:] [sigh] Fine.
There are a few times I can talk about to illustrate my point.
The first one was all the way back—What are you doing?
[Steve:] Sorry, I just need to get in this closet here.
There’s a director’s chair.
I want to sit down and get comfortable while I listen to your story!
So!
Please, continue.
[Riker:] [heavier sigh] This first example is from
all the way back in the B.B.
days.
[Steve:] Is that “Before Beard”?
[Riker:] That’s right.
It’s from an episode —
[Steve:] — of Star Trek: The Next Generation?
[Riker:] — of my life — called “One-One-Zero-Zero-One-Zero-Zero-One.”
[Steve:] Your life experiences have episode titles?
[Riker:] The more you keep pointing it out, the quicker
this all falls apart!
[Steve:] Sorry!
Sorry.
[Riker:] The Enterprise arrives at Starbase Seventy-Four
to undergo maintenance and receive a computer upgrade.
The upgrade is to be conducted by members of a species called Bynars, who always operate
in pairs and are linked to a central computer located on their home planet.
These are the first two Bynars introduced to Captain Picard and me — that’s One
Zero, with the cybernetic device attached to the left side of their head, and Zero One,
with the device attached to the right side of their head.
And they —
[Steve:] Oh!
Let me guess: they harbor vicious racial prejudice against each other, and no one aboard the
Enterprise can figure out why.
Captain Picard observes that they appear to be of the same race, and One Zero is like,
“Are you blind, Captain?
My cybernetic doohickey is on the left side.
Zero One’s is on the right side — all of their people have their cybernetic doohickeys
on the right side.”
[Riker:] No.
What?
What are you even talking about?
[Steve:] It’s a riff on “Let That Be Your Last
Battlefield.”
With the half-white and half-black guys?
[Riker:] I believe they prefer the term “biracial”
. . .
[Steve:] It’s a Classic Star Trek episode!
[Riker:] And?
I don’t have encyclopedic knowledge of everything that happens in every other Star Trek series.
I’m not a Lower Decks character.
[Steve:] I mean, you kind of are.
[Riker:] May I continue with this thing you begged
me to do?
[Steve:] Please.
[Riker:] As I was saying, the Bynars have come to upgrade
the Enterprise computer.
Most of the crew leaves the ship during the upgrade process.
I take a little tour to check up on the few crew members still aboard.
Then, I find two other Bynars, One One and Zero Zero, working on the holodeck.
They invite me to try out the enhancements they’ve just installed, so I ask the holodeck
to recreate a New Orleans jazz club in 1958.
[Steve:] Naturally.
[Riker:] I walk into the club, and there’s this gorgeous
brunette sitting at the bar.
I approach her and say “What’s your name, and tell me you love jazz.”
She tells me her name is Minuet, and she loves all jazz except Dixieland — because you
can’t dance to it.
So I say to her, “What’s a knockout like you doing in a computer-generated gin joint
like this?”
[Steve:] . . . What’s that, like a pick-up line?
[Riker:] No, a pick-up line is the first thing you
say to someone.
It’s like an ice-breaker.
[Steve:] So your pick-up line was “What’s your
name and tell me you love jazz?”
[Riker:] No, that was my ice-breaker.
[Steve:] You just said they were the same thing . . . ?
[Riker:] No, I said a pick-up line was like an ice-breaker.
But I don’t use pick-up lines because I’m not a womanizer.
Back to the story.
Right away, I realize that Minuet is like no other hologram I’ve ever encountered.
It’s not just that she’s beautiful, or flirtatious.
She seems to . . . know me.
We talk.
We dance.
We kiss.
And then—
[Steve:] —and then, Captain Picard comes in and cock
blocks you.
[Riker:] God, I know — I mean, read the room!
We’re standing there dancing and kissing, he walks in, pretends not to see us, and then
before I even know it’s happening, he’s sitting at the table and they’re speaking
French to each other!
He’s a great captain, but he is the worst wingman ever!
Anyway, unbeknownst to us at the time, the Bynars have faked an emergency with the warp
core to force a full evacuation of the ship.
Then, with everyone else relocated to the starbase, and the captain and I busy in the
holodeck, the Bynars steal the Enterprise and set course for their homeworld.
When we realize the ship is at red alert and we’re the only ones left aboard, Minuet
comes clean and admits she was programmed by the Bynars to serve as a distraction.
The Enterprise reaches the Bynar homeworld.
Their central computer appears to be inoperative.
The Bynars aboard the Enterprise are unconscious, and we can’t regain control of the ship
from them, so I go back to the holodeck to talk to Minuet, and of course you-know-who
has to tag along!
Minuet tells us that the Bynars had to shut down their planet’s main computer until
the electromagnetic pulse from a nearby supernova passed, and now they need help from the Enterprise’s
computer to restore their systems.
So, eventually we figure that out, get their computer back online, and everything is hunky
dory.
[Steve:] “Hunky dory?”
[Riker:] It’s an old Earth expression — everything,
that is, except Minuet.
I return to the holodeck once the Enterprise is safely back at starbase.
The New Orleans jazz club program I initiated is still running, but Minuet is gone.
No matter how many variations of the program I tried, I couldn’t bring her back.
She was difficult to forget.
I mourned her as I would have any lost love.
And here’s the most important part: a few years later, I find myself in a holographic
simulation created by a lonely alien child marooned on a planet near the Romulan neutral
zone.
[Steve:] Oh, yeah — Barash!
How is he these days?
[Riker:] We don’t talk.
For the first part of this simulation, I’m made to believe it’s sixteen years in the
future and I’ve gotten married and had children.
To make the simulation more realistic, it drew upon details it read in my own thoughts,
feelings and memories.
The person the simulation chooses as my wife — is Minuet, because in my mind she isn’t
a holodeck character — she’s real.
So.
Does that sound like a womanizer to you?
[Steve:] It does a little.
[Riker:] What are you talking about?
It does not!
[Steve:] It sounds like you could potentially be someone
who has had many casual sex partners but is so starved for true intimacy with another
person that you mistake an enjoyable interaction with a computer program that’s been designed
to anticipate your needs as a genuine human connection.
[Riker:] That’s ridiculous.
She seemed real to me, and I developed serious feelings for her because that’s what I do.
[Steve:] Okay.
[Riker:] What do you mean, okay?
[Steve:] I just feel like your strong emotional attachment
to a hologram programmed to fulfill your every desire isn’t evidence for the thing you
think it is.
[Riker:] I never said she was programmed to fulfill
my every desire!
[Steve:] Dude, I’ve seen the episode.
[Riker:] All right, how about this—
[Steve:] Okay.
[Riker;] Another one!
[Steve:] Go for it.
[Riker:] Another one.
So.
The Enterprise is taking part in a reconciliation ceremony between Krios and Valt Minor, two
planets that have been at war for centuries.
The Kriosian ambassador is transporting a piece of cargo that turns out to be Kamala,
a beautiful young woman who happens to be a metamorph, an empath capable of sensing
what a potential mate wants and needs, and then becoming that.
She’s accidentally brought out of stasis early, and since she’s intended to be the
bride of the Valtese chancellor, and is also at a stage in her life cycle where she’s
emitting powerful pheromones capable of affecting the men around her, Captain Picard has me
escort her to private quarters.
Which I am only too happy to do.
However, when we arrive, she kisses me, and tells me about how quickly she’s able to
learn what pleases a man.
In that moment, she is nearly irresistible — and yet, I do resist her.
I exit as quickly and politely as I can, and—
[Steve:] —and head straight to the holodeck.
[Riker:] Exactly my point!
If casual sex with gorgeous and willing partners is all I’m interested in, why didn’t I
take full advantage of that situation?
[Steve:] Because you’re a Starfleet officer with
a job to do?
You didn’t want to jeopardize the diplomatic situation between those two planets?
Womanizer doesn’t mean “sex addict” — I assume you do have some self control.
[Riker:] Okay, fine!
What about this?
[Steve:] All right.
[Riker:] Another one.
I’m on Melona Four helping to set up a new colony.
Carmen, one of the colony’s senior engineers, is a woman I happen to know.
Anticipating that we might end up having a little dinner together, I bring a bottle of
wine along with me.
We make a date for that night — some dried chicken curry, some wine, and then one of
Carmen’s “memorable desserts.”
Which is a metaphor for sex.
[Steve:] I get it.
[Riker:] Yes, but unfortunately I don’t: the crystalline
entity appears mere moments later and as she’s helping to move the colonists to safety, Carmen
is tragically killed.
[Steve:] And her death hit you pretty hard, huh?
[Riker:] Yes, it did.
I think it’s plain to see she meant something to me — something more than an opportunistic
one-night-stand.
I even wrote a letter to her family after her death.
[Steve:] That’s rough.
And, do you miss her more or less than the holographic lady who automatically changed
herself to please you?
[Riker:] That isn’t the point!
[Steve:] Don’t get hot about it!
[Riker:] Another one!
Yuta!
[Steve:] Oh, that woman you vaporized with a phaser
when you absolutely did not have to do that?
[Riker:] She turned out to be an assassin!
She was going to kill Chorgan, the leader of the Gatherers, at the peace negotiations
with Marouk, the Sovereign of Acamar!
I tried to stun her twice and that didn’t stop her!
[Steve:] Right, but she was genetically altered to
have an extended lifespan — she didn’t have super strength.
You could have just, you know, grabbed her.
Or told Captain Picard to grab her — he was literally sitting right there.
[Riker:] Again — not the point!
The point is, I really liked her — not as a sex object, but as a person.
I even tried to help her overcome her deeply ingrained mindset of servitude and think of
herself as an equal to others!
[Steve:] Are you really asking for a cookie for not
treating a woman like a servant the day before you obliterated her from existence?
[Riker:] Another one!
Soren!
[Steve:] Oh boy . . .
[Riker:] More like “oh girl!”
I accepted her unequivocally when she came out to me as female, I answered all the questions
she asked about human gender and sexuality with maturity and sensitivity, I stood up
for her when she challenged the ignorant authorities of her homeworld—
[Steve:] All very commendable—
[Riker:] —and I fell in love with her!
I even took Worf on an unauthorized rescue mission to try and get her off that planet,
but by then it was too late!
Her true gender identity had been erased through psychotectic treatments!
[Steve:] . . . And, if you could rate how upset you
were about Soren on a scale of one to Minuet—
[Riker:] I will vaporize you!
[Steve:] Hey, hey!
[Riker:] You know I’m capable of it!
[Steve:] Easy, big fella!
[Riker:] Flattery will get you nowhere!
[Steve:] I agree with you, okay?
[Riker:] . . . what?
[Steve:] You’re not a womanizer!
[Riker:] That’s really what you think?
[Steve:] Yes it is.
In fact, it’s what I have thought for quite awhile.
All the examples you’ve talked about establish that more often than not your interest in
women has been deeper than simply wanting to get laid.
And even though there are a few examples we’ve seen throughout your adventures that could
potentially be described as acts of casual sex — like when you hooked up with Mistress
Beata on Angel One, or Brenna Odell when the Bringloidi colonists were aboard the Enterprise,
or Etana — that Ktarian babe you met on Risa who turned out to be part of a secret
plot to take over the Federation through mind-controlling video games — like you said, there’s nothing
wrong with casual sex as long as everyone involved knows what the deal is.
And, we’ve never seen you conduct yourself with anything other than integrity in your
romantic affairs.
Plus, there’s your whole entire history with Deanna Troi — you two obviously share
a deep and loving connection that lasts for years and years despite the fact that you
aren’t actually a couple anymore.
And, even though it’s hinted that you still hook up with each other occasionally, you
also totally respect her autonomy and aren’t a weird, possessive jerk about it when she
goes out with other people, even when those people are obviously massive douchebags, like
that Devinoni Ral guy.
So, no, you’re definitely not a womanizer.
You like the ladies and the ladies like you.
Nothing wrong with that.
[Riker:] Then why have you been arguing with me this
whole time?
[Steve:] Video.
[Riker:] Oh!
Right.
[Steve:] Speaking of which, I think we’re good.
[Riker:] Yeah?
You got enough?
[Steve:] I think so.
Let me just do one quick thing here.
[Riker:] Sure, sure, sure.
I’ll be quiet.
[Steve:] Well.
Thank you, Arne Seifert, for commissioning this video.
I hope you found it to be acceptable.
Uh, you saw me offer Riker a portion of the commission, and he did turn it down, so I
will be keeping the entire payment for myself.
Commissions are currently closed, but if and when I decide to open them up again, I will
let you all know.
In the meantime, if you want to support my channel, you can do so by becoming a patron
at patreon.com/steveshives, becoming a channel member by clicking the join button, or by
sending a one-time gift through the thanks button, or via PayPal or Venmo — links to
those are in the video description!
Thanks again, Arne, and thanks to all of you for watching.
I’ll see you next time!
Okay.
We’re good.
[Riker:] Good.
So, what now?
[Steve:] I’m a little hungry, actually.
Think I’m gonna hit up GrubHub.
I can go ahead and order something for you, too, if you’re gonna be hanging around.
[Riker:] That would be great, thank you.
Where are you ordering from?
[Steve:] . . .
[Riker:] What?
[Steve:] “Hanging around”?
I was making a joke about you being a picture on the wall, like you said back at the start—
[Riker:] Ahhh, fuck!