(camera beeps) - (monotonously) This is David. I'm back.
It's been a while since my last vlog.
I've finally shed the skins of mainstream conformity
to which I so foolishly returned
and have once again embraced my true self.
- Um, Dad, why are you in my room, again?
- It's not just me. It's all of us.
(bats squeak and flutter)
This is an emovention.
You know, like an intervention, but for emos?
♪ (woeful music) ♪
- Um, an emovention? But I'm not emo.
- Exactly,
and after everything I did to make sure you went emo again.
So you'll all treat Chris like garbage so he'll become depressed.
And Jasmine, you need to break up with Chris
and start dating Kyle.
- Ugh, gross.
- What are we talking about?
- If you are still emo, be emo.
Be emo. Be emo. Be emo. Be emo.
- (mutters)
- Be emo.
- You did all of that--
became my teacher, pretended to care about me,
turned my friends against me-- just to make me emo again?
- And it didn't work
when you became a hipster.
- I told you, labels are played out.
- When you became a hipster,
public enemy number one of the emos,
I realized I was running out of time.
So I changed to emo plan B:
plan Bemo.
I stopped hiding my emo self and rejoined the Bleeding Toes.
- Jasmine, you broke up with me as part of my dad's crazy plan?
- Your dad's my emo guru. I had to do what he said.
But now that you know, we can date again.
- No! This is crazy.
- Our love was a lie?
That makes me feel horrible,
which makes me feel awesome
but also horrible.
Awesome
but horrible.
Awesome
but horrible.
Awesome
but horrible.
Awesome
(muffled) but horrible.
- You can't make me emo, Dad. This is messed up.
I think I'll move in with Mom and Rick for a while.
- (sulkily) Fine. Good.
- We're not doing the "God" thing, Dad.
- No, I meant the actual "good,"
not your lame Norse hipster bullshit.
♪ (soft incidental music) ♪
- It will be great to have you living in the mansion, Chris.
- You live in a mansion?
- Ha-ha. Oh, no.
Chris will be living in the mansion in the backyard.
Angela and I sleep in the castle.
Come on, best son ever.
(birds chirping)
- David, are you okay?
- Okay? What's okay?
Something society tells you to feel
to distract yourself from your own emotions?
- I just want Chris to be happy.
Sign the divorce papers, and take care of yourself.
We should all move on.
Hold the limo!
♪ (music swells) ♪ (car door closes)
♪ (somber music resonates) ♪
- You look so sad. Isn't it awesome?
But horrible.
Awesome.
But horrible.
Awesome.
But horrible.
Awesome.
But horrible.
♪ (happy music) ♪ (birds chirping)
- (Principal Meister) Attention, students and faculty.
I have no announcement to make.
Just wanted to hear my own voice come over the speakers.
What are you gonna do about it? I'm the principal!
Thank you!
- "If you expect nothing from anybody,
you're never disappointed." Sylvia Plath.
So ends part one of my 93-part series of poets
who killed themselves,
the world's true heroes.
- What happened to David? He seems so sad.
- Another teacher who wants a piece of Meister.
But the Meister ain't for sale.
- What? (school bell rings)
♪ (sad string music) ♪
David, are you okay?
- Okay? What's okay?
Something society tells you to feel?
- I know what it's like to lose someone,
but you'll find someone new.
In fact, there's someone here who cares about you very much.
- You mean Clem the Janitor?
- (thick Southern accent) You have my heart, David!
- No. I-- I meant--
- Thanks for your help, Miss Blissful.
But I have band practice.
♪ (sad music resonates) ♪
♪ (Bleeding Toes playing) ♪
♪ Dad, stop reading my diary ♪
♪ Dad, I know you'll turn this into a song ♪
♪ I refuse to make this rhyme ♪
♪ (music stops abruptly) ♪ - This song sucks.
Chris's diary is too lame to steal from now.
You promised you'd make him emo again.
- And you promised Chris and I would get back together by now.
- I tried. I did everything I could.
And now Chris is living in a castle with some poser,
and this practice has been terrible.
But not good terrible; just terrible.
Maybe this is the end of the Bleeding Toes.
(phone vibrates)
(beep)
What? Really?
Based on one song passed around a high school?
(perkily) Okay. Thank you.
(moodily) I mean, whatever. God!
- Who's that?
- Guys, the Bleeding Toes are going to be opening
for Parodymore.
- Paramore?
- No. Parodymore, the shameless parody band of Paramore,
which makes it the most emo band in the world.
♪ (woeful orchestral music) ♪