- Hello, world.
My name's Stephen LaConte.
If you've spent any time on BuzzFeed,
you might know me as the guy
who does the advice column there.
Basically, the way it works is people DM me
on Instagram and Twitter.
People send me their wildest, craziest,
juiciest, most interesting problems,
and I try to solve as many of them
as I possibly can right here on BuzzFeed.
For as long as I can remember,
I've been the guy that my friends turn
to whenever they need advice.
I don't really know why.
I'm a hot mess in virtually every life department,
but I like to think I'm a logical,
practical, reasonable guy.
Quick disclaimer before we start.
I'm not a therapist.
Please go to therapy.
That would not be me.
That would be an accredited person
who does things much smarter than me.
That said, let's do this thing.
(bell ringing)
So I recently got a DM from someone who wants to know
whether they should meet up
with their old high school teacher.
"Dear Stephen," that's me.
"I'm currently 23 years old and I'm talking
"to my former high school teacher.
"Yes," in all capitals, "I know what it must
"sound like, but hear me out.
"He taught in my school for a year
"and moved away to pursue a career in law.
"He's a lawyer now.
"And that was 10 years ago.
"I haven't met him since.
"We've only started talking recently
"and we have an 11-year age difference."
Okay, so let's just do some quick mental math here.
She's 23 years old now, she had him 10 years ago,
which I guess means she was 13 when she had him.
Now she's 23 and he's 11 years older than her,
which means he's 34.
"We connect so well because we bond
"over work, politics and dogs.
"He would text me every day, but nothing too inappropriate.
"He's also expressed how he wants
"to see me in real life and have a conversation in person.
"Is this a bad idea?"
So your question was, "Is this a bad idea?"
Could we flip that and ask a different question?
If your question is, "Is this a good idea?"
That one I can answer and I'm pretty sure the answer is no.
The guy taught you when you were 13.
That's pretty young.
You're both consenting adults now,
perfectly capable of doing whatever you wanna do,
but the fact remains you were 13 years old when you met him.
I can't help. but think there's something
a little bit off about a man who would take on
the very important responsibility of educating young people
in their most formative, vulnerable, impressionable years,
and then that same guy has the capacity
to turn around and date one of them?
I'm not saying it's illegal,
but I am saying it's a little weird, right?
If you were 20 years out of high school
or 30 years out of high school
and your teenaged life was long forgotten,
maybe it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
And that's just the teacher aspect of things.
I would also have concerns about the age difference,
even if that man had never been responsible
for educating you.
And that's gonna bring me to a segment
I call Stephen speaks in sweeping generalizations
that are probably gonna get him in trouble with commenters.
There are plenty of people out there
who have age differences with their partners
and they're totally in love and happy
and have a great relationship.
There's nothing wrong with that.
However, when a 34-year-old wants to date a 23-year-old,
I think it's worth at least asking a few questions.
An 11-year age difference isn't unheard of.
It's not obscene.
And the older you get the less of a gap it becomes.
A 40-year-old dating a 51-year-old,
that's really no big deal at all,
but the difference in life
between a 23-year-old and a 34-year-old is vast.
Sometimes when a 34-year-old wants
to date someone in their very early twenties,
it means there's something else going on.
Maybe they're kind of immature and they don't wanna grow up.
Maybe there are weird things about them
that a partner their own age would know to look for,
but someone younger wouldn't recognize.
Maybe it means they're looking for a partner
over whom they can exert some power or control.
These things are not always true by any means,
but it's worth asking yourself those questions
before you get into a relationship
with someone 11 years older than you.
Okay, but I wanna bring an expert in here
because, fact is, I'm not a teacher.
I'm just a guy.
I'd be really curious to know what someone
who actually teaches 13-year-olds thinks of this.
Lucky for me, one of my best friends
in the world happens to be a teacher of 13-year-olds.
I think I might call her. (phone ringing)
Are you there?
- [Friend] Hi.
- I need your help.
(laughing) - Okay, what's up?
- The teacher, like, maybe asked her out on a date.
It's kind of unclear.
She just wants to know if she should meet up
with this old teacher first for a date or not.
From a teacher who teaches 13-year-olds' perspective,
is this a bad idea?
- [Friend] This is 1000% a bad idea.
This is shady as hell. (laughing)
- Okay, tell me why.
- [Friend] There's a lot to unpack here.
He taught me for a year and then moved on to something else.
Fine.
That's the general time that most teachers
teach their students, right?
You're with these kids for a year and then they move on.
What happens though, is that these kids basically
in your mind are always gonna be the age they were
when you taught them.
So, for instance, I taught first grade.
Those kids are in sixth grade now, which is horrifying,
but whenever I see them, like, in my mind,
they're still those first graders that I taught
and they're just like little kids, right?
Second of all, 13-year-olds are unmistakably still children.
Like, I don't care if you're the most emotionally mature,
self-possessed, physically developed 13-yeah- old
in the world, like, you are still visibly a child.
So like, it would have been weird then.
It's definitely weird now because the way he's viewing her
in his mind's eye is still from when she was 13
and was still a kid.
Does that make sense?
- It does make sense.
So let's present a hypothetical scenario here.
You have a bunch of 13-year-old students right now.
10 years from now. - No.
- You haven't spoken to this student,
- No, no. - but 10 years from now,
what if they're really, really hot?
- [Friend] No, there is no hypothetical situation
you could give me where 10 years from now,
like, what, I'm gonna teach them
about "To Kill a Mockingbird" and then 10 years,
try to date them?
Like, that's not going to happen.
- I do have one confession, though,
I just, part of me does feel
like a fraud with this whole thing.
The two of us went to the same high school.
I don't know if I've ever told you this,
but once upon a time, I did find one
of our old teachers on Tinder - Oh god.
- and I did match with him.
(record scratching) (friend laughing)
- That's not weird from your end, Stephen.
It's totally normal for students
to have crushes on their teachers.
It's super weird from the teacher's perspective.
Because ultimately-- - That's exactly what I said.
That's exactly what I said.
- There's this thing with education
called in loco parentis, which is Latin,
that basically just means that when students
are in school, you're in the place
of the parent as the responsible adult,
who's looking out for that kid, right?
That's why mandated reporting laws exist.
You're the adult in the room
that's looking out for the welfare of that child.
So it's not like a parent child relationship
that gets developed between teachers and students,
but that's the general vibe is that it's like,
you're just literally supposed to be
the responsible adult in the room, looking out for that kid
and definitely not thinking about wanting to date them ever
in any hypothetical situation. (laughing)
- So what you're saying is,
it's a good thing that I never met up with that teacher.
- [Friend] It's a great thing you never met
up with this person.
I'm definitely gonna text you after this
to find out who it was 'cause I'm super curious.
- Thank you very much.
You are such a huge help to me with this.
I really appreciate it.
- [Friend] No problem.
- So it's time for my final thoughts here.
At the end of the day, it really has
to be your decision, not mine.
The truth is, if you've really connected
with this guy, if you're attracted to him,
if you think you're really like him,
you're probably gonna meet up with him
no matter what the guy on BuzzFeed tells you to do.
I hope me and my friend have given you
some things to think about here
and some important questions to ask yourself,
but at the end of the day, it's got to be your decision.
And now I'm gonna turn to the viewers at home.
What do you guys think?
Should she go on the date?
Should she head for the hills?
Sound off in the comments with what you would do
if you were in her situation.
I'm gonna read these comments
'cause personally. I would love to know what you guys think.
Oh, and if you guys have any questions for me,
if you've got a problem, you want me to solve, DM me.
I'll do my best.
(upbeat music)