hi aj mahari here if you are somebody who's been with borderline
untreated uh have you ever realized that among all the other things that you've gone through
that you've been scapegoated to how does the borderline scapegoat you what is borderline
scapegoating because this happens in families of origin borderlines and narcissists and etc
but in a significant other relationship how does a borderline scapegoat you and what does that
mean everybody who's been with somebody with untreated bpd and if you've ever been devalued
then you would know or you'd think that you'd be aware some people aren't aware
yet that you've been scapegoated what do i mean well because scapegoating is when
someone else blames you for what they've done because they can't take personal responsibility
or because deal with their own feelings sleep goats are blamed by others and then people
that are scapegoated especially in family of origin but even if you scapegoated by an ex
or or somebody with bpd any relationship type or narcissist when you're scapegoated you're blamed
and they obfuscate their personal responsibility and then it becomes like an urban legend
so an urban legend in a family of origin but even in a significant other relationship because with
you know there's some exceptions not all people bp in the same place they're not all exactly the same
but when they split you to devaluation it's all your fault so they believe
so they think so they are scapegoating you right there and if you've been in a relationship with
someone vp and you're the ex right now and you have codependency and you're learning a lot
or you might even think you know it all right now right like because you're an expert on bpd
well let's say you have some expertise in knowing about bpd or learning about bpd good for you
how's it going to help you in your codependency recovery right so people get scapegoated
i know what that's like in family of origin i think i know what that's like when i was
in that relationship with the cluster be the bpdmpd alcoholic 2004-2006 in that relationship
and all the scapegoating was pretty thick so i wonder sometimes that people mix up borderline
scapegoating as being people with bpd gaslighting like narcissists because people with ppd really
don't gaslight like narcissists why would that be kind because bpd isn't a form of npd anybody who
says that just doesn't know what they're talking about so yeah you get blamed that scapegoating
more than it even is quote gaslighting unquote with a borderline because they're not that
organized like a narcissist has more profound more um incredibly strong defense mechanisms
than a person with bpd does so people at bp aren't failed narcissists either by the way
so if if you're becoming um some kind of expert or quasi expert and you think you know everything
about bpd now or the more whatever like somebody in the channel left a comment recently like
to somebody had said just run from them i can't remember what video it was on my channel but like
um so the person that said just run from them right there's lots of comments like that across
the channel over the years but then a person recently commented to that comment and said
that's a really childish i'm paraphrasing point of view it's the person that said just run because
they said you can learn a lot more about bpd and you can understand it and you can read books and
everything and i'm like where's this person coming from i wonder extreme severe codependency perhaps
because you know what a lot of people with codependency need to know more about
you know never mind is the bpd npd a bpd is not a form of npd bpd is not the same as npd
borderlines don't gaslight like narcissists but they are scapegoating you and that's what you're
experiencing and after scapegoating often comes a legendary stuff of lies right that they believe
lies that you're the one that did this and you're the one that did that which might involve
some projection yes but what they're doing is scapegoating you it's interesting because
whenever i try to talk about this in a live stream or anything to do with scapegoating or how
i was escaped go to my narcissistic dysfunctional family of origin which i'd like to talk more about
like to do more on npd family of origin where people with codependency who are so focused on
the significant other relationship because you haven't yet got deeper or gone into your healing
recovery process to realize that the trauma bond between the codependent and the borderline
isn't for most people with codependency it's not your first trauma bond and that it all
has the underpinnings of trauma but do you know that more than gaslighting like narcissists do
borderlines are scapegoating in their own unique patterned ways and it's all out of unconscious
defense mechanisms repetition compulsion cycles uh trying to escape their own pain
and emotional dysregulation when triggered because they don't know
why they're feeling what they're feeling as i've said in other videos so then they end up
externalizing that out on the person closest right so significant other favorite person sibling
child parent whatever the case so scapegoating is a really big deal
and people with codependency can also scapegoat so blaming anyone like there's a narrative
with a lot of people with codependency everything's the borderline's fault
well that's you scapegoating to borderline so what you need to do is first of all you really
it's healthier to shift your focus away from the person with bpd but what you really need to do is
the person with bp is responsible for what they do especially any abuse or what have you
but they're not responsible for why the whole relationship doesn't work believe it or not
because people with codependency are right in there with their own unhealthy relational
style their own repetition compulsion cycles of externalizing things out to get needs met
and none of that i'm not saying this is conscious this is where the trauma bond
comes in and the trauma bond is about trauma not addiction and people with bpd can't be compared to
alcoholics because even if a person with bpd is an alcoholic then they're a person with bpd who and
who's alcoholic being an alcoholic isn't the same as being a borderline and and being a codependent
isn't the same but overlaps and so it's not only borderlines escape codependents codependents also
scapegoat boredoms because scapegoating is about blaming someone else for something that you might
have something to do with or that you might have done and people with codependency do this a lot
you know because they're trying to escape the reality if you've been victimized by a borderline
why wouldn't you feel a little bit victimized that that word has been i guess bastardized right
because people that are victimized when you're still in that trauma when you haven't healed and
recovered from that trauma when you haven't gone to therapy yet then yeah you could be a victim too
it's not just people with bpd that feel like victims they often feel like
victims if they're untreated because they were victimized in childhood so they don't outgrow
being that mindset right so the key thing is borderline scapegoat they're scapegoating
more than their gaslighting narcissist gaslight and scapegoat might seem like a really fine
delineation of something that in your experience you're like what's the difference who cares and a
lot of people take that attitude and everybody has the right to think whatever they want
but it might help you to understand scapegoating it might help you might well i guess it might have
helped people earlier in the relationship so i don't know if anybody finds this video who's still
in a relationship with someone with bpd but then they're probably still in a really thick denial
place the borderline scapegoats you by the very nature of how they blame you and then you as a
codependent because most people with codependency at one point or another one way or another
for one reason or many reasons or other was scapegoated in childhood and so that's going to
trigger people with codependency big time to to the point where you might not even recognize that
you're being scapegoated because maybe you didn't know what what what that was when you were a child
so borderline scapegoating is more to the point what's happening for so many people
that think they're being gasoline but the other thing that people with codependency
have to think more about is once you once you're being treated terribly abuse and traumatized
well you're in a trauma bond fair enough and you didn't know that you might not know that yet
but wherever you are in understanding what's going on or if you're still in the relationship etc or
if you still have hope it'll work out and they're untreated well guess what you're untreated too so
i'm not here to say borderlines codependents are the same there's a dynamic with the trauma bond
wherein it's not all the borderline and never the codependent and i'm not saying that the
codependent does what the borderline does and most of these trauma bonded dynamic of relationships at
all but how many people really know that they're being scapegoated by the borderline who's been
scapegoated lately in childhood as has the codependent and then people with codependency
who are still running away from their pain by all kinds of different things that they'll say
in live streams topics they'll change people don't usually follow topics i mean not all people many
people never follow a topic on a live stream they just jump in and take it somewhere else and that's
something i'm not gonna have anything to do with anymore when you're blamed by the borderline when
they project out and something that they're not consciously aware of and they project on to you
so when when that first happens you don't know why you don't know what's going on it hurts okay then
you try to reason with them but but let me just say to people with codependency you don't own
the lion's share of reasoning necessarily because even if you are very logical and you can reason
really well then you're probably not noticing the whole emotional landscape component of
what's happening in the trauma bond dynamics between you and a borderline if you're the
so this idea that borderlines are professional victims is rather um a stigmatizing thing but
it's also a scapegoating thing that people who've been traumatized maybe your life was turned upside
down you were devastated by somebody with bpd but you had to be there i know you didn't get there
knowingly more people than not don't but then you stayed too long and that's the trauma bond
and that's the codependency and so you've been scapegoated by a borderline people's codependency
scapegoat also and a family of origin systems and scapegoating that contributes to codependency
is part of the work that i do with clients and i'm out here to work for you if i resonate with you
and it might not resonate with anybody from the last live stream because it just went all over the
place and i'm not really here to listen to things that i don't cover on this channel to go all
over the place when people into logical fallacies false equivalencies and reductionist not even you
know like in a debate kind of thing reductionist arguments and then they tell me how educated they
are and etc when we're talking about god knows what by that point codependence can scapegoat too
so anyway borderline scapegoating scapegoating in general people with codependency scapegoat as well
anybody who doesn't have the emotional maturity and hasn't fully emotionally adulted that includes
people with codependency who haven't gone through therapy yet that includes people with
bpd who haven't gone through therapy of course it's a given for narcissists right they have no
emotional intelligence basically these are trauma bonds and everybody gets hurt and i'm not saying
it's 50 50 who's abusing whom but so many people even right now watching my videos and maybe other
people's whatever and you know already what you're up against and you know what you're involved in
and you know it's a trauma bond but you still are missing them and you still want them back because
the question so along with the fact of have you ever heard of or have you realized how scapegoated
you can be by a borderline that as a co-dependent you could be scapegoating a borderline to
keep focusing on them some more to not to keep abandoning yourself maybe not so consciously
but you're not focusing on yourself if you're not getting into therapy to do your own healing
recovery work which you need to do or would benefit you to do to have a better quality of
life a little and healthier relationships and a healthier relationship to them with
yourself most importantly so with this borderline scapegoating there's codependent scapegoating and
then we see it all over the internet and and and the fact is it's harder for people i don't know
like some lots of people bpd are taking personal responsibility are becoming more aware because
they're working in therapy but there's a whole lot that aren't and nobody knows what percent is
what percent dependents who think it's just the borderline that's the problem well they may be
seemingly to you the biggest problem in the relationship they may be the biggest problem in
the relationship for themselves but then there's a reality of if you're an untreated codependent
even if you're with somebody who's been treated a lot significantly with bpd chances are they won't
choose you if you're an untreated codependent so borderline scapegoating leads to codependent
scapegoating leads to borderline scapegoating and around and around goes and that's just
but one dynamic that exists in the trauma bonded relationships that people with codependency even
after a long time in the relationship and knowing now that you're in a trauma bond and knowing
now that you have codependency and understanding never mind what all you might understand about bpd
understand this they need between 8 to 16 years of therapy they have to be engaging it they have
to be in the right treatment modality which is not just dbt uh dbt is a good place to start
but a psychodynamic modality for bpd recovery and that's going to take them eight to 16 years
you don't have that kind of time to invest in a failed broken traumatic relationship in which
you are fighting for love people with codependency it's time for people with codependency to realize
not taking away from what a borderline has done to you how they've affected you how they
traumatized you but they are re-traumatizing you because you were carrying trauma already
from childhood you wouldn't have codependency so codependent responsibility and stopping
codependent scapegoating getting into therapy to break that trauma bond and get to know yourself
fully and find out the origin in your family abortion of your codependency is your way forward
that's keeping it real to help you heal and also saying to codependents you need to take your own
responsibility stop trying to externalize that out under the border line so you can actually get what
you need that you didn't get in childhood because you're going to get what you need in therapy
and then you're going to become an independent person who's emotionally adulted because people
with codependency have not emotionally adulted maybe a little more so than borderlines but
not to the degree of what a healthy what a healthy independent person who's done all
this healing recovery work and adulthood knows what it means to be an adult so take care you