G'day, A.J. Mahari, here
in this video I want to talk to you if you're someone who's the ex right now or you're not sure if you're the
ex of somebody with bpd are you in that sort of
it's no contact you're being ghosted you're not sure if it's on
off if it's over because maybe in your situation
you do hear from from your quote x with bpd
unquote that might be your ex right now but might not be your ex tomorrow
or next week or wasn't your ex last week um and i'm not being sarcastic with this
i really seriously mean to speak to you in this situation i
have so many clients in this situation so if you don't know what's going on
and or you've been ghosted or there was some kind of relational rupture
and you're not sure what happened and you're in the pattern of still contact
wherein they come back the hoovers and you're so wanting to take them back
you're still wanting to try again and many people as his clients have
spoken to recently but over the years and 30 plus years of working with
clients with bpd with bp comorbid npd with
npd even people in recovery from codependency and many other things as
well it's often mentioned by clients and has
been mentioned by clients that they're not ready to give up yet
or accept that a relationship is over or how whatever language one would want
to use there because they really need to try at least
one more time and for some people that one more time
will turn into two or three or four or five or ten
etc number of times but many people really are pretty firm
in knowing that they just want to try one more time
and it's not about rescuing the person with bpd
it's about the fact that not everybody with bpd
is the same and nor is everybody who's with somebody with bpd
good wanting to try one more time because they're codependent because not
everybody who's been in a relationship with
somebody with bpd or who's sitting in this
x maybe not x been an x for a while maybe it's been four months or six
months maybe it's been three weeks maybe it's been
two days and they and a lot of people bp have their own
a lot of people quiet bpd especially but people with bp have their own
patterns of when they will ghost when they will um withdraw a quiet
personal quiet ppd will withdraw which is experienced by others as a
silent treatment um there's two realities going on there
by the way uh they have their own patterns of when
they're going to re-contact again and so sometimes this is how these
relationships actually quote work unquote
well they're not really healthy and not really working exactly so
if you're in one of these situations like i'm describing
whether you want to try again or you're not so sure about that
or you're already in you know on and off again so you're in the off
and you've tried several times before well it's really important to know that
you know i'm not here to say well these things work out
because primarily more so often than not like the vast majority didn't know it
doesn't work out but people have their own process to go
through with this so you know not everybody is just in a
hurry to go no contact not everybody feels the same way
about an ex with bp not everybody is they're hurt but they might not be as
hurt the dynamics with especially somebody
with quiet bpd are vastly different doesn't mean that
these relationships have a high percentage chance of working out by any
means but you know i'm somebody who really
respects my clients and i respect wherever they are
and i work with people to help people with whatever their goals are
and so for some people you know and if you're one of these people and you're
having a really hard time as other clients i'm working with now
and clients have worked with in the past you want to try again you're not sure
what's going on you're ruminating you're in a world of hurt i'm
out here if you resonate with me to work with you through this
i am not somebody who tells my clients what to do at all
so i can sound pretty definitive and pretty
i don't know what in some videos but i'm talking about broad strokes generalized
majority reality right of how these relationships really
don't work out but it does that mean and i don't want to get false hope here
but does that mean that that's the case in
every single no because there's no 100 anything anywhere and and so i just
wanted to do this video to say that i'm going to try to be a little bit
more consciously aware to
to caveat around the fact that much of what i say
in videos it's true i stand by it all about people at bp in terms of what
their struggles are what bpd really is the adverse response
to adverse child experience it is and so forth but there are
different circumstances for many different people with bpd and many
different people who are in the relationships with many
different people with bpd quiet or classic acting out
or the subtype of perturbed or the self-destructive subtype and i'm
gonna have a lot more coming on that on the channel as well
so what's the mean of the message here well
why ever you find yourself wherever you are maybe
in this in between on off off again place but maybe wanting to try again
and believe me also let me just say i also have clients
there's people maybe commenting to the channel as well and some that come along
in live streams that there's no way on earth they should try
again okay so there's different circumstances different situations
some people bpd bb female or male are very dangerous
that doesn't always mean to the nines of physical
danger but that's that's possible too in a smaller percentage of people with bpd
so depending on circumstances you know some people
don't have the luxury or can't take the risk
of trying again but so if that's not your case
and you're in this sort of no man's land right well and i'm going to leave it at
no man's land because i deal with many many more men
as clients and half of 30 plus years than women but i i mean i have
female clients as well um who you know we're with somebody with bpd
or have someone with bp in their life so the thing about this
is what you really need to know as you're wondering what's going on is
you're trying to decide what you want to do as you really still care about
and love this person with bpd which is not always categorically about rescue
but people with codependency when you know you have codependency
you have to really be careful about this right
because i'm speaking to people who out there who may not have codependency and
yes it's possible to be with somebody with bpd and not be a codependent
i would put it at sort of five percent of people
who who are with or have been with or are on and off in the off position right
now with somebody with bpd uh five percent aren't co-dependent
probably ninety-five percent are but five percent is still a lot of
people okay so the meat of the message for you
is this you're likely in a world of hurt you're
likely very confused you're likely if you're watching my
videos you are looking for more understanding
you're trying maybe to find closure you're trying maybe to find
is it reasonable to have that hope to try again
which i can't tell you the answer to that because
every situation is different so but you're probably ruminating
and you're in a lot of pain and you might go to other channels where they
just tell you you know get over do this do that do the opening come on what's
wrong with you um or were they vilified people with bpd
and you know many clients i've spoken to over the last 30 plus years
and recently really make it clear that in their situations with the person
with bpd though they've been hurt though things happen they really still
really do care and beyond codependency kind of care
okay so with codependency people have to be a
little more careful it's a different kind of process
but still so what you need to know is that there's lots of people in your
position and that might be part of your process
to let go it might be part of the process of
following through you know to see what happens again if
you're going to be re-contacted again or in fact you know you will because
there's a pattern still going on that you know sometimes they just
abruptly end but people don't know then what you need to know is you're not
alone that i'm out here to work with you if
you want to talk about it and and find coping strategy with where you're at
with it if i resonate with you and that
something that's really important that i want to stress is
it's not your fault what's happening for people with bpd
and for that person in your life who's an individual with bpd because they're
not all the same that may well have shown you
affection uh have good qualities the fragmented
amazing parts of people with borderline personality
that aren't congruent aren't consistent isn't always who they are but is a part
of the potential for who they could become
if they would truly get into a significant
long-term process of therapy so i really hear my clients and i really
hear people on this when they're in this no man's land for
lack of a better way to put it so just know you're not alone with that
and know that that's part of your process
and please also know that why you hurt so much
and why ever they have you know got uh just ghosted sorry ghosted you i
think we need to stick with really careful language around this why
they have ghosted you right now or maybe it's been months and and you still
have hope you're going to hear from them again all these different circumstances
right that individual people are in
it's not your fault all the wood i could have shoulda if only
if i would have handled this better if i would have done that differently
no really wouldn't have made a difference so you are where you are
right now with what your hope is or what your goal
might be because that's part of your process
and i want to just stress here again it's not your fault what happened okay
you need to take responsibility for yourself and to make sure to be taking
self-care and getting some help or you know any
distress or difficulty you're having in this
process whether you're ready to leave the person
or not um and and whether you're going to end
up leaving the person or not because not everybody does
and that's everybody's own business and process
so again i just want to say with the utmost respect and compassion
for you and to you it's not your fault
in so many people when this ghosting happens and are the on and off
again cycles well a relationship
isn't officially over and people aren't sure what they want to do
and people still have some hope well you can be so hard on yourself
right people are so hard on themselves so ask yourself today
are you being really hard on yourself do you
feel like if only if only i did this if only i
didn't do that if only i said this only didn't say that
but only i couldn't have known more you know woulda coulda shoulda it's not
your fault and you're in a world of hurt right now
whether you're so caring and wanting to try again
or whether you're starting to work to accept that a relationship has ended
and some people are not in that place yet because
maybe it isn't over yet and maybe it still won't work out
but people have to see people have to go through
the process that they choose to go through and there are
very tons of individual reasons for that so i hope that if you're watching this
video and you're in the no man's land and you're hurting
and you're being hard on yourself and just hear me when i say it's not
your fault and i want to say it one more time it's
not your fault you aren't the cause
of why they just said i don't want this relationship anymore
or took off or moved out when you weren't home
or sent you this text called they can't do this anymore
or didn't say anything and just you don't know where they're where they're
at or what's going on it is not your fault
and there's nothing that you could have done to change
what they are triggered by because their triggers are inside them already from
the past so it really once again i want to stress
wherever you are in this process with an x or an
on off again maybe x but not quite x the relationship isn't really over and
you're not sure what you want to do yet or you want to try again for sure
even though there's not a high percentage chance that's going to work
out i respect that and a lot of people are
in that place and i want to save you one more time
it wasn't your fault it's not your fault please be kind to yourself find some
compassion and empathy for yourself so that you can
be taking the best care of yourself right now with all your going through
while you're in this process of trying to work it out
which is trying to work it through so take care of yourself and please know
again it's not your fault when a person with
bpd leaves ghosts abandons
breaks up it's not your fault it's their patterns it's a response to
their adverse childhood experience they have disorganized attachment lack
of self lack of identity so much going on
they're in a world of hurt and then unfortunately
people that love them end up in a world of hurt
so whatever you're doing right now in a situation wherever you are
with a person with bpd in your life or it might be off and you're hoping to be
on again etc well just please know
it's not your fault and i hope that you can start to be kinder to yourself
as you're seeing through what you're seeing through
as you are where you are so take care and if you haven't
subscribed to this channel yet by the way whichever side the
picture's on hit that subscribe click the
notification bell gonna have a lot more coming and be live
streaming again sometime soon and if you'd like to join
the channel membership that that that would be wonderful and
i'm gonna have another membership coming and now i'm giving more thought to where
that'll be but anyway remember if you're in one of the or
you're if you're just grieving and you've accepted the end of a
relationship because that's where you are it's not your fault it was not
your fault i really want to stress that so wherever you are with what's going on
with that individual person with bpd in your life or who was in your life
significant other relationship but also maybe for other people
somebody like it could be an adult child it could be a parent
it could be a sibling it could be somebody that you're just not sure
if you can stick with them or handle it anymore or if you need to go no contact
so all these different relationship types too
again i want to say the same thing it's not your fault
it's not your fault and you really need to stop beating yourself
up as if you did something wrong is if you could have stopped their
repetition compulsions from happening because you couldn't and you didn't
and if you're going to try again you won't be able to in the future
so take care of yourself and i want to reiterate one more time
it's not your fault