>> Stephen: I'M ALSO VERY EXCITED ABOUT MY FIRST
GUEST TONIGHT, FORMER TRUMP AIDE CLIFF SIMS.
HE'S HERE TO TALK ABOUT HIS NEW WHITE HOUSE TELL-ALL, "TEAM OF
VIPERS."
ONE PERSON WHO'S NOT TOO EXCITED ABOUT THE BOOK IS THE PRESIDENT,
WHO IS REPORTEDLY "REALLY HOPPING MAD."
THOUGH HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO CAN HOP.
I'D BUY FURIOUSLY HUNCHED.
SIMS ALSO DISHED ABOUT TRUMP'S FAVORITE HOBBY: GIVING WHITE
HOUSE TOURS.
AND THEY'RE ABOUT AS ACCURATE AS YOU'D THINK.
ON ONE, TRUMP CLAIMED THAT, BEFORE HIS PRESIDENCY,
"NO ONE HAD EVER SEEN THE OVAL OFFICE!"
"BEFORE ME, NO ONE EVEN KNEW WHAT THE OVAL OFFICE WAS SHAPED
LIKE!
THEY CALLED IT THE RHOMBUS ROOM."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT ALSO CLAIMS
VISITORS GET EMOTIONAL UPON ENTERING THE OFFICE, SAYING:
"THEY START TO CRY."
( LAUGHTER ) I BELIEVE THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE CRYING SEEMS A LITTLE
MILD.
IF I WALKED INTO THE OVAL OFFICE AND SAW DONALD TRUMP AT
THE RESOLUTE DESK, I WOULD MAKE THE SOUND WHALE MOMS MAKE WHEN
SEAWORLD TAKES THEIR KIDS AWAY.
"OOOOOOWWGHWAAAHHHHHHH-OOOOOO" ( CLICKING SOUNDS )
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, PLENTY OF PEOPLE ARE
VYING TO REPLACE TRUMP.
INCLUDING STARBUCKS C.E.O. AND MAN WHO THOUGHT HE'D END THIS
BOARD MEETING WITH A LITTLE SONG,HOWARD SCHULTZ.
OVER THE WEEKEND, SCHULTZ WENT ON "60 MINUTES" TO MAKE A BIG
ANNOUNCEMENT: >> I AM SERIOUSLY THINKING OF
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.
HOWARD SCHULTZ COULD BE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2020.
OR AS THEY CALL IT AT STARBUCKS, VENTI-VENTI.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SCHULTZ -- VENTI-VENTI.
SCHULTZ HAS EVEN ALREADY DESIGNED HIS CAMPAIGN LOGO.
HE SHOWED IT OFF.
HERE IT IS.
IS HE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OR LAUNCHING A DAYTIME TALK SHOW?
( LAUGHTER ) IT LOOKS LIKE HIS LOGO WAS
"HOWARD SCHULTZ," AND SOMEONE WENT "NAAHHHHH."
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, IT'S CLEAR HOWARD SCHULTZ
HASN'T BEEN TO A STARBUCKS LATELY, OR ELSE THAT HANDWRITING
WOULD READ, "HORSEFURT SHLUTZ" ( LAUGHTER )
SO WHY IS SCHLUTZ RUNNING?
"I'M CONCERNED ABOUT ONE THING: DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO HELP
FAMILIES WHO HAVE BEEN LEFT BEHIND, AND TO RESTORE DIGNITY
AND HONOR BACK IN THE OVAL OFFICE."
I'M CONCERNED ABOUT ONE THING: THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT'S TWO
THINGS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE LOVE MATH.
BUT DEMOCRATS HAVE THEIR OWN CONCERN: SCHULTZ COULD SIPHON
OFF DEMOCRATIC VOTES AND HAND TRUMP A SECOND TERM.
AND TRUMP KNOWS IT, TAUNTING, "HOWARD SCHULTZ DOESN'T HAVE THE
'GUTS' TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT!
I WATCHED HIM ON @60MINUTES LAST NIGHT AND I AGREE WITH HIM THAT
HE IS NOT THE 'SMARTEST PERSON.' BESIDES, AMERICA ALREADY HAS
THAT!
I ONLY HOPE THAT STARBUCKS IS STILL PAYING ME THEIR RENT IN
TRUMP TOWER!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) FUN FACT: THEIR COFFEE IS
TRUMP'S ONLY BLACK TENANT.
( RIM SHOT ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I GOTTA SAY, TO ALL BILLIONAIRES THREATENING TO RUN FOR
PRESIDENT: NO THANKS, WE'RE TOO FULL FOR SECONDS.
( LAUGHTER ) BILLIONAIRES NEED TO FIND NEW
HOBBIES.
THEY NEED NEW HOBBIES.
I TELL YOU WHAT -- CAN'T RICHARD BRANSON JUST BUILD
A DAY CAMP FOR THESE GUYS TO KEEP THEM OFF THE STREETS?
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH "TEAM
OF VIPERS" AUTHOR, CLIFF SIMS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )