- [Narrator] What's worse?
Having your entire family disown you
for being a gigantic piece of shit,
having a man shoot you because you seduced him
and stole all his money,
or marrying a man that you can't stand
just because he's rich?
Well, the Mexican telenovela "Teresa"
allows you to enjoy all three situations
because it doubles up as a choose-your-own-adventure story.
That's right, since one dumpster fire of an ending
isn't enough, "Teresa" gives you all three.
And why is that?
Well, because telenovelas are hell.
(stately music)
(explosions booming)
"Teresa" tells the story of a sexy teenager
who's in her mid-30s.
Teresa's dream is to be so rich
that every time she farts,
a 100-dollar bill comes out.
(farting) (coins jingling)
And she's willing to use her good looks
and big tetas to get there.
The telenovela starts with Teresa
giving her adorable family the stink-eye
for throwing her a graduation party
where instead of serving caviar and champagne
like she wanted, they served ceviche and piss.
Teresa is so ashamed of being poor
that she lied to everyone at school
by telling them that her parents are millionaires.
Unfortunately, the class bitch finds out
that this isn't true and humiliates her
in front of the whole school
by revealing that Teresa is the daughter
of a laundry worker and a mechanic.
This, for Teresa, is more embarrassing
than pooping her pants on the first day of school.
Just when Teresa thinks her garbage life
couldn't get any garbage-ier,
her little sister gets hit in the face with a baton
while doing a gymnastics routine,
and since her parents are unable to afford
the medical treatment to fix her face, she dies.
Teresa has had it up to here with being poor,
so she decides that her new goal in life
will be to use men for their money.
The first thing she does
is dump her cute taxi driver boyfriend
despite being madly in love with him.
She then puts on a low cut dress
and visits her old teacher, Arturo, asking him for help.
Arturo takes one look at her and says,
"Teresa, I love your gigantic...
"hunger for learning.
"I'll give you anything you ask for."
Even though she looks like she's gonna barf
every time he kisses her,
Teresa marries Arturo.
Sure, she's still in love with her ex
and cries herself to bed every night,
but at least she gets to live in a house with stairs.
She gets to have maids that she can treat like crap,
and she gets to spend her days
maxing out her husband's credit cards.
Teresa encounters her first roadblock
when she finds out that her taxi driver ex
has become a successful doctor overnight
and makes more money than her current husband,
so she starts dating him again
despite the fact that she's married.
When the two dudes catch on to what she's doing,
they dump her, and of course, she freaks out
at the thought of being alone,
but instead of going to therapy like a decent human,
Teresa tries to patch things up with Arturo
by visiting him late at night, naked and sweaty,
and asking him to read her a bedtime story.
Arturo falls for her again because he's an idiot,
and also 'cause she's hot.
He rewards her for cheating
by taking her on a European vacation
where the two of them and make out a whole bunch
and point at everything they see.
All of this pointing actually causes Teresa
to develop strong feelings for Arturo.
Unfortunately, the strong feelings quickly fade
when they return from the trip
and Teresa finds out that he's gone broke.
To make matters worse,
Teresa gets accidentally shot by a crazy lady
and almost dies.
Being paralyzed from the waist down won't stop Teresa
from finding another man with money,
and being the snake that she is,
Teresa seduces her best friend's fiance
by asking him to give her a creepy massage
while she still hospitalized.
When released from the hospital,
she convinces her new hunk
to dump her best friend
and hand off all his fortune to her.
The instant he gives her the check,
she tells him he's ugly and breaks up with him.
Now Teresa is on top of the world because she's rich
and she doesn't need a man to take care of her anymore.
Sadly, though, Teresa's father gets word
of the absolute turd of a human his daughter has become
and dies of a heart attack.
Teresa tries to buy her family's love back with gifts,
but they're so fed up with her shit
that they disown her and pretend like she doesn't exist.
Teresa goes insane in weeps over her father's grave
because she realizes she's got no one left in the world.
She then goes to donate all her money to charity.
The telenovela ends with Teresa crying
and dragging herself across the ground while screaming,
"I'm all alone!
"I'm all alone!"
(record scratches) Just kidding!
This is just one of the ways in which it ends.
Teresa has three alternate endings.
In the first ending, Arturo takes her back,
and they resume their loveless marriage.
In the second ending, Teresa is left to rebuild her life,
which she does by getting an entry-level job
and seducing her new boss by showing a little titty.
And in the third, and probably the best outcome for Teresa,
she gets shot and killed.
The end.