"My husband and I have
different parenting styles." My name is
Paul Friedman, I founded The Marriage
Foundation
and I've come across this very
normal problem many times.
Usually, it's not the big problem
occasionally, it is. Usually
it's within the context of other
problems.
Problems like "my husband doesn't listen
to me"
problems like "we're arguing all the time"
those kind of problems. In other words,
this is a manifested problem that you
have different
parenting styles is not unusual.
In fact, it would be sort of strange if
you think about it
if you had similar parenting styles.
You're a woman, he's a man.
You're different kinds of people.
Innately, you have different reactions
to different things based on
on your gender. Now I know a lot of
people disagree with that idea.
They say, "We're all equal," but
they don't recognize. Those people who
say that
are reaching because we are all equal
as souls but we have different
characteristics.
We have different characteristics as
individuals
but we also have different
characteristics solely based
on the fact that our genders are
different.
Typically, women are much more
compassionate.
They behave and react more
emotionally, take things personally when
their children
are misbehaving and
it's built-in for a mom to be super
protective
of her children. It's innate because
of the drive to survive and how a woman
is biologically designed that she is
super protective,
super protective of her children. So here
comes
dad, and who is this guy trying to
treat my children this way?
It's his children too
but he sees them from a different
perspective.
He's seeing them, chances are
as needing to be toughened up for the
world
as needing to have different kinds of
skills
because men and women operate
differently
among their peers with other people.
Women tend to do more collaboration
and men tend to seek a common ground
or draw lines in the sand and compromise.
And so it's a very different mentality
that your own experience and his own
experience
has brought you to the point of where he
wants to raise the children
in a way that he believes
will do the most good for them.
You think he doesn't want them to
succeed? Please,
of course he does and he's
thinking, "Oh, she's so lax."
Now you're not too lax.
Your form of discipline if there is much
is very different than his. He believes
in discipline perhaps
and he knows
that his heart of hearts that these
children of yours,
both of yours, need what he has to offer.
I only ask you to step back.
I mean unless he's beating them with a
stick.
Step back and try to see
how your kids respond
not their outer response which is them
being defensive
because they have a drive to survive
too
but see if it's not helping them.
The first thing you should be
communicating with your husband
about this topic is
"Honey, I know you love our children
as much as I do." It's true, isn't it?
You've got to start from that point of
view from that place
in the conversation. And
maybe you have to say, "I'm missing
something
and I need to understand you more,"
that's the first place to start.
You did not get
married to battle each other. You got
married
to be happy together and to experience
unconditional love
and set that example for your kids.
Now it would do you well to subscribe to
the channel and learn more about
marriage.
It would do you well to read one of my
books and learn even more about marriage.
And I'll tell you why because the fact
that this
is a complaint of yours tells me
that you don't have enough understanding
of your husband,
that you are missing perhaps
because of the filters that you have.
You're missing the best parts of him
because you know he's biologically
designed to protect.
That's the male biological role.
And if you're saying, "Oh no, the way
you're protecting
is no good." It's very insulting to a man.
It undermines your relationship because
in your relationship
everything should be about loving,
supporting,
positivity. Your communication should
always be
positive and quality expressions of
love because that's why you got married.
You did not get married to battle. I'm
repeating that
because there's a big distinction. In the
world today, there's so much
mis and disinformation out there -- it is
insane.
I've heard reputable therapists talk
about the right
way to argue. Unbelievable!
There is no right way to argue. The right
way to argue is to end the argument
right now
and learn how to discuss things with
each other.
Again to bring happiness and love
into the communication at the time.
So you have to be very careful with what
is out there.
You want to have principles-based
behavior.
The number one principle is that you got
married for the two promises of marriage,
happiness ever-increasing every single
day. Your marriage should be happier
every single day and so should you by
the way,
and the other is you should feel love.
It is the best vehicle. You can't express
unconditional love
to the mailman
or the guy at the drugstore,
or the teacher. You have to be careful in
the world
because people will chew you up. It's
just the way the world is.
So you have this beautiful community of
two, you and your husband, expanded into
the family
of course where it's supposed to be
paradise.
It is supposed to be paradise and you
need to learn
how to do that. Our clients
learn how to do that. Read the reviews
and you can too. This is not rocket
science. It's just
different from what everyone out there
is
pushing because the western
psychological world
is based on diseases of the mind. So
they're always trying to label things
and get to the bottom of things, and I'm
telling you what the bottom is.
The bottom of things is that you're
supposed to be
filled with love and filled with
happiness,
that's the bottom of things, not the
other side, not the weird stuff.
Use this experience that you're having
now that is causing you some stress
to take a closer look at your marriage
as a whole. See if it's...
I already know the answer. It isn't
producing the love and happiness that
you
desire, that you deserve, that you should
have and that you can have.
So go back to that in
regard to this one particular issue.
Step back, they're his kids too.
Trust him. He loves your kids.
Don't challenge him when you ask him
what his thinking is.
Ask him because you want to understand
him
better. All right. Blessings to you,
your husband and your family! Thank you
for spending time with me!
And leave a comment if you'd like, don't
be nasty if you disagree with me.
We can discuss. Okay.
My style is probably more like your
style than your husband's style
because I've been training myself to tap
into my heart more.
And this is in many cases a shortcoming
that men have. They don't know how to tap
into their heart
but if you're doing it, he will start
paying attention.
God bless and take care!