WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW" EVERYBODY, I'M YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COL BETTER.
I AM FEELING BLESSED TONIGHT, THANKS TO ONE MAN: WHITE HOUSE
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR AND GUY ORDERING A MARTINI AT THE
BOWLING ALLEY, ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI.
THE MOOCH!
I WAS WORRIED WHEN SEAN SPICER LEFT, THAT THE COMMUNICATIONS
OFFICE OF THE WHOIRS WOULD LOSE SOME FLAVAH.
LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE PLACED BY A GUY WHO
SERVES UP VERY SPICY QUOTES.
WE PLAYED THIS LAST NIGHT, BUT I JUST WANT SECONDS.
>> WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT WASHINGTON IS, PEOPLE DO NOT LET
YOU KNOW HOW THEY FEEL.
THEY'RE VERY NICE TO YOUR FACE, AND THEN THEY TAKE A SHIV OR A
MACHETE AND THEY STAB IT IN YOUR BACK.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
I'M A WALL STREET GUY, AND I'M MORE OF A FRONT STABBING PERSON.
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE WOULD NEVER STAB SOMEONE IN THE BOOK.
BOOK -- MOUNTAIN THAT'S RUDE.
"A GENTLEMAN STABS SOMEBODY FROM THE FRONT SO YOU CAN WATCH THE
LIFE DRAIN OUT OF THEIR EYES."
KEEP 'EM OPEN, KEEP 'EM OPEN.
TRUMP HIRED SCARAMUCCI TO GET RID OF THE WHITE HOUSE LEAKERS.
BUT DON'T CALL HIM A HITMAN.
HE'S JUST A GUY WHO WAS CONTRACTED TO WHACK SQUEALERS BY
A POWERFUL DON.
AND THE LATEST LEAK THAT HAS THE MOOCH'S FUSILLI IN A TWIST
OCCURRED YESTERDAY WHEN POLITICO PUBLISHED SCARAMUCCI'S FINANCIAL
DISCLOSURE FORM REVEALING THAT HE HAS ASSETS WORTH AS MUCH AS
$85 MILLION.
HOW HUMILIATING.
YEAH.
NOW EVERYONE KNOWS HE'S THE POOREST PERSON WORKING AT THE
WHITE HOUSE.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: NOW AS MUCH --
THAT'S GOT TO HURT.
AS MUCH AS I'VE ENJOYED WHAT SCARAMUCCI SAID ONE WEEK ON HIS
JOB, WE GOT AN INCREDIBLE TASTE OF
UNFILTERED MOOCH TODAY, WHEN "NEW YORKER" REPORTER RYAN LIZZA
PUBLISHED DETAILS OF A CONVERSATION HE HAD WITH
SCARAMUCCI LAST NIGHT.
I'M GOING TO READ YOU SOME OF THE QUOTES, BUT BE WARNED, IF
YOU ARE PUT OFF BY FOUL LANGUAGE, THE MOOCH THINKS YOU
SHOULD MOOCH YOURSELF IN THE HEAD.
I WANT TO GIVE A QUICK WARNING TO THE CBS CENSORS: YOU GUYS ARE
GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK OUT THE EMERGENCY EXTRA BLEEPS FOR THIS
ONE.
BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I'M JUST COMMUNICATING TO YOU THE ACTUAL WORDS OF THE
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
THE ONE IN WASHINGTON!
HERE'S HOW IT STARTED: LIZZA REPORTED YESTERDAY ABOUT TRUMP'S
DINNER WITH SCARAMUCCI, SEAN HANNITY AND SOME OTHER GUYS.
THE MOOCH CALLED UP LIZZA TO TRY TO GET THE NAME OF WHO LEAKED
ABOUT THE DINNER, BUT LIZZA PROTECTED HIS SOURCE.
SO THE MOOCH SAID, "OKAY, I'M GOING TO FIRE EVERY ONE OF THEM,
AND THEN YOU HAVEN'T PROTECTED ANYBODY, SO THE ENTIRE PLACE
WILL BE FIRED OVER THE NEXT TWO WEEKS."
MOOCH, YOU DO REALIZE THAT IF -- HE'S STILL NOT GOING TO GIVE
YOU THE NAMES.
AND IF YOU DO FIRE EVERYBODY, YOU HAVE TO
REPLACE EVERYBODY WITH PEOPLE WHO NOW KNOW THEY'RE WORKING FOR
A GUY WHO WOULD JUST FIRE EVERYBODY?
THE MOOCH WAS PRETTY SURE HE KNEW WHO THE LEAKER WAS: CHIEF
OF STAFF REINCE PRIEBUS, WHO HE DESCRIBED AS "A ( BLEEP )
PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC, A PARANOIAC."
THE GUY' GUY'S PARANOID, OKAY?
"HE THINKS HIS OWN COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR IS
TRYING TO STAB HIM IN THE BACK.
AND AGAIN, FRONT STAB."
FRONT STAB, HOLD STILL, HOLD STILL!
KEEP 'EM OPEN I WANT TO SEE!
THEN THE MOOCH DID THE BEST PRIEBUS IMPRESSION.
LIZZA WRITES, HE CHANNELED PRIEBUS AS HE SPOKE.
"LET ME LEAK THE ( BLEEP ) THING AND SEE IF I CAN (BLEEP)-BLOCK
THESE PEOPLE THE WAY I (BLEEP) -BLOCKED SCARAMUCCI FOR SIX
MONTHS."
OH PLEASE, MOOCH, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY COULD BLOCK YOU FROM
BEING A (BLEEP) AND HIS WORDS, NOT MINE!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> WE LOVE YOU.
>> Stephen: AND THE MOOCH WAS FEELING A
LITTLE HURT ABOUT HOW PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TREATING HIM AT HIS
NEW JOB.
QUOTE: "I'VE ASKED PEOPLE NOT TO LEAK THINGS FOR A PERIOD OF TIME
AND GIVE ME A HONEYMOON PERIOD.
THEY WON'T DO IT."
"HEY EVERYONE, I'M ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, I'M A FRONT-STABBER,
I'M HERE TO FIRE EVERYONE, NOW BE NICE TO ME."
OKAY, BE A LITTLE BIT NICE TO ME, OKAY?
I'M SOMEBODY'S LITTLE BOY!
(APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: AND THE MOOCH
SAYS HE WAS DOING THIS FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS.
"I'M NOT TRYING TO BUILD MY OWN BRAND OFF THE ( BLEEP ) STRENGTH
OF THE PRESIDENT.
I'M HERE TO SERVE THE COUNTRY."
AND ADDED, "I'M NOT STEVE BANNON, I'M NOT TRYING TO SUCK
MY OWN ( BLEEP )."
[ AUDIENCE SCREAMS ] (APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: LOOK, IF BANNON COULD DO THAT, HE WOULD NEVER
LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE.
THOUGH I GOT TO SAY, WE NEVER SEE HIM EVER ANYMORE.
GOOD FOR YOU, STEVE!
BUT ALL GOOD BADDA-BINGS MUST COME TO AN END, BECAUSE
SCARAMUCCI SIGNED OFF BY SAYING OF PRIEBUS, "YEAH, LET ME GO,
THOUGH, BECAUSE I'VE GOT TO START TWEETING SOME ( BLEEP ) TO
MAKE THIS GUY CRAZY."
ADDING, "CAN WE MAKE THIS OFF THE RECORD?
NO?
OKAY.
MOOCH OUT."
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (LAUGHTER)
>> Stephen: HEY, HO!
SO IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT HE GETS OFF THE PHONE I GOT TO
TWEET SOME STUFF TO MAKE THIS GUY CRAZY.
THEN SCARAMUCCI TWEETED: "IN LIGHT OF THE LEAK OF MY
FINANCIAL DISCLOSURE INFO-- WHICH IS A FELONY-- I WILL BE
CONTACTING @F.B.I. AND THE @THEJUSTICEDEPARTMENT.
HASHTAG-SWAMP, @REINCE45."
HANG ON!
HE JUST TAGD @REINCE 45?
THAT MEANS EITHER THE MOOCH JUST PUBLICLY ACCUSED WHITE HOUSE
CHIEF OF STAFF REINCE PRIEBUS OF A FELONY, OR THERE ARE 44 OTHER
REINCES ON TWITTER.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
YES!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> NUMBER 45, NUMBER 45.
>> Stephen: BUT HOLD ON A SECOND, A FELONY?
YOUR FINANCIAL DISCLOSURE FORMS ARE PUBLICLY AVAILABLE UPON
REQUEST.
THAT'S DISCLOSE PART OF DISCLOSURE.
YOU'RE THINKING OF "FINANCIAL IXNAY ON THE ONEY-MAY" FORMS.
HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT?
YOU WENT TO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL.
WHAT DID YOU STUDY THERE?
A VHS COPY OF "MY COUSIN VINNY?" ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY HEY WHAT?
HEY HEY!
SCARAMUCCI WOKE UP WITH A RAGING MOOCH-OVER TODAY.
BECAUSE THIS MORNING HE CALLED IN TO CNN WITH LIZZA ON THE
OTHER LINE.
>> WHEN I WAS ON A PLAIN TO NEW YORK I HAD TO CALL MY MOM.
I WAS TEASING YOU AND IT WAS SASH CAST TICK.
IT WAS ONE ITALIAN TO ANOTHER.
>> Stephen: I.T. WAS ONE ITALIAN TO ANOTHER I WAS
VISITING MY MOM.
YOU KNOW?
GIVE ME THE LEAKERS AND MAYBE YOU NEVER SEE YOUR MOM.
I FORGET, DOES SHE HAVE A FRONT?
BUT WHILE HE WAS THERE ANYWAY, SCARAMUCCI WAS WILLING TO TALK
ON ONE CONDITION.
>> I JUST SPENT ABOUT 15 MINUTES ON THE PHONE TALKING WITH THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WHO HAS GIVEN ME HIS FULL
SUPPORT AND HIS FULL BLESSING, AND I'M GOING TO READ YOU
SOMETHING, CHRIS.
BEAR WITH ME.
THE PRESIDENT ALSO TOLD ME, IF YOU'RE NICE TO ME IN THIS
SEGMENT, HE'LL LET ME COME BACK ON THE SHOW.
IS THAT COOL?
>> Stephen: "YEAH, CHRIS, IS THAT COOL?
YOU PLAY NICE, I PLAY NICE.
YOU GOT A NICE SHOW THERE.
HATE TO SEE SOMETHING HAPPEN TO IT."
AND THE MOOCH LET THE LEAKERS KNOW, HE'S ON TO THEM.
>> I'VE INTERVIEWED MOST OF THE ASSISTANTS TO THE PRESIDENT.
I'VE INTERVIEWED MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN THE COMMUNICATIONS
TEAM AND THE WHITE HOUSE.
WHAT THE PRESIDENT AND I WOULD LIKE TO TELL EVERYBODY, WE HAVE
A VERY, VERY GOOD IDEA OF WHO THE LEAKERS ARE, WHO THE SENIOR
LEAKERS ARE IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> Stephen: I'VE ALSO DONE SOME RESEARCH ON WHO'S SHARING
INFORMATION DAMAGING TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND WE'VE BEEN ABLE
TO PUT TOGETHER THIS COMPOSITE POLICE SKETCH.
IF YOU SEE THIS MAN APPROACH WITH CAUTION.
THEN THE MOOCH REMINDED US HOW DANGEROUS THESE LEAKERS REALLY
ARE.
>> THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, AGAIN, WHETHER YOU GUYS
LIKE THE GUY, DISLIKE THE GUY, HE'S THE SMARTEST PERSON I'VE
EVER WORKED FOR.
THERE ARE PEOPLE INSIDE THE ADMINISTRATION THAT THINK IT IS
THEIR JOB TO SAVE AMERICA FROM THIS PRESIDENT.
THAT IS NOT THEIR JOB.
>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.
THAT'S NOT THEIR JOB.
THAT IS THE JOB OF ROBERT MUELLER.
I THINK THAT'S HIS JOB, I'M NOT SURE.
WE'LL FIND OUT.
THEN, THE MOOCH STRESSED HOW BAD THESE LEAKERS ARE:
>> THE WHITE HOUSE LEAKS ARE SMALL POTATOES, RELATIVE WITH
THINGS GOING ON ABOUT LEAKING THINGS ABOUT SYRIA OR NORTH
KOREA OR LEAKING THINGS ABOUT IRAQ.
THOSE ARE THE SORTS OF LEAKS THAT ARE SO TREASONOUS, THAT 150
YEARS AGO, PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN HUNG FOR THOSE TYPES
OF LEAKS.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.
150 YEARS AGO, IF PEOPLE WERE LEAKING
THINGS ON THE INTERNET, THEY WOULD BE HUNG FOR WITCHCRAFT.
NO ONE WOULD PUT UP WITH THAT, NO.
HIS MESSAGE IS SUBTLE BUT THE MOOCH DOESN'T LIKE LEAKS AND HE
KNOWS WHO'S ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE:
>> IT'S ABSOLUTELY, COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY REPREHENSIBLE.
AS YOU KNOW FROM THE ITALIAN EXPRESSION, THE FISH STINKS FROM
THE HEAD DOWN.
BUT I CAN TELL YOU TWO FISH THAT DON'T STINK.
OKAY?
AND THAT'S ME AND THE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S STOP RIGHT THERE.
I'VE HEARD THE STINKS THING.
I'M TRYING TO FIGURE THIS THING OUT.
HERE'S THE FISH.
IF IT STINKS FROM THE HEAD DOWN, AND THE FISH IS THE WHITE HOUSE,
ISN'T DONALD TRUMP THE HEAD OF THE FISH?
BUT THEN YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU AND TRUMP ARE DIFFERENT FISH,
WHO WORK AT THE FISH?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS METAPHOR.
I THINK YOU MIGHT BE FISHED IN THE HEAD.
YEAH, THAT'S GOING ON US.
NOW, LET'S GET BACK TO REINCE PRIEBUS.
SCARAMUCCI SAYS, DESPITE THEIR DIFFERENCES, HE AND REINCE ARE
CLOSE.
>> IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE CHIEF OF STAFF, WE HAVE HAD
ODDS.
WE HAVE HAD DIFFERENCES.
WHEN I SAID WE WERE BROTHERS FROM THE PODIUM, THAT'S BECAUSE
WE'RE ROUGH ON EACH OTHER.
SOME BROTHERS ARE LIKE CAIN AND ABEL.
OTHER BROTHERS CAN FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER AND GET ALONG.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS REPAIRABLE OR NOT.
>> Stephen: "YEAH, WHO KNOWS?
SOME BROTHERS ARE LIKE CAIN AND ABEL, SOME ARE LIKE MARIO AND
LUIGI.
OKAY?
WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
WILL WE GO DOWN A PIPE TO SAVE THE PRINCESS, OR WILL I BASH HIS
HEAD IN WITH A ROCK AND THEN LIE TO GOD ABOUT IT?"
W.H.O. KNOWS.
AM I MY PRIEBUS KEEPER?
AND I MY PRIEBUS KEEPER?
WHO KNOWS, WHO KNOWS?
THE QUESTION IS: REINCE PRIEBUS, WHY ARE YOU STICKING AROUND AND
TAKING THIS ABUSE?
JUST LEAVE, AND ENJOY THE EASY LIFE ON SPICER ISLAND.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: AND THE MOOCH
ISN'T JUST HANDLING THE LEAKING.
YESTERDAY, HE MET WITH BBC'S SENIOR DRIVEWAY CORRESPONDENT TO
EXPLAIN JUST HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO PASS A HEALTHCARE BILL.
>> I'M WONDERING WHETHER THE PRESIDENT FEELS HE'S BEEN
FRONT-STABBED BY SOME OF THE SENATORS WHO VOTED DOWN THAT
REPEAL OF OBAMACARE.
>> IF YOU'VE READ "TEAM OF RIVALS," IT TOOK LINCOLN THREE
OR FOUR TIMES TO GET WHAT HE WANTED FROM THE SENATE AND THE
HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, WHICH WAS THE FULL ABOLITION OF
SLAVERY.
>> Stephen: "YEAH, IT TOOK THREE OR FOUR TIMES PLUS A CIVIL
WAR, SO WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
BY THE WAY, THAT JOHN WILKES BOOTH?
TOTAL COWARD.
I WOULD'VE FRONT-SHOT HIM.
HEY, ABE... BOOM!" ERS BY SCARAMOOCH.
STAB YOU WITH MY GUN!
THE MOOCH ALSO MADE IT CLEAR THAT OUR MULTIMILLIONAIRE REAL
ESTATE MOGUL PRESIDENT IS NO ELITIST.
>> WHAT PART OF DONALD TRUMP IS NOT ELITE?
THE BUSINESS SIDE, THE POLITICS SIDE, THE INHERITANCE SIDE?
AWAY PARTLY OF DONALD TRUMP, MANY PEOPLE IN THE U.K. DON'T
UNDERSTAND THAT.
HE'S A CELEBRITY.
A BILLIONAIRE.
>> HOW ABOUT THE -- >> OH MY GOD, THERE'S SO MANY
THINGS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT.
HOW ABOUT THE CHEESEBURGERS, HOW ABOUT THE PIZZAS THAT WE EAT?
>> EVERYBODY EATS CHEESEBURGERS AND PIZZAS!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
SEE-- YOU'RE COMING ACROSS A LITTLE BIT ELITIST...
>> Stephen: "OKAY, YOU'RE COMING ACROSS A LITTLE BIT
ELITIST THERE, MARY POPPINS.
SUPERCALA-STAB-ALICIOUS!
BIBBITY BOPPITY STAB!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT