♪♪♪ >>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI, GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE NOTICED BUT JOE BIDEN HAS BEEN
ELECTED THE 46th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED WHEN
PEOPLE IN NEW YORK HEARD THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS DEFEATED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> AND THIS IS TRUMP'S HOMETOWN.
[ LAUGHTER ] CAN YOU IMAGINE?
YOU GET FIRED FROM YOUR JOB, YOU GO BACK HOME, AND EVERYONE IN
YOUR OWN HOUSE IS LIKE, BOO, YOU SUCK!
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
ONLY IN NEW YORK. WHAT'S THAT?
IT WASN'T ONLY IN NEW YORK? OH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ BELLS RINGING ] >> OH MY GOD, THAT'S REAL.
YOU KNOW HOW BAD YOU HAVE TO BE FOR PARIS TO RING CHURCH BELLS
WHEN YOU LOSE? [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY DIDN'T EVEN DO THAT FOR THE REAL HUNCHBACK'S FUNERAL.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE WHOLE WORLD IS CELEBRATING
LIKE WORLD WAR II JUST ENDED. AND I KNOW THIS ISN'T REALLY THE
SAME AS DEFEATING THE NAZIS, BUT IT DID END WITH A FASCIST LEADER
HIDING IN A BUNKER. [ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
>>> TRUMP HAS REPORTEDLY SAID TO ALLIES THAT HE WILL HAVE TO BE
DRAGGED OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE KICKING AND SCREAMING.
GOOD! [ LAUGHTER ]
EVER SINCE BIDEN WON, EVERYTHING I WAS WORRIED ABOUT OR MAD ABOUT
JUST SORT OF FADED AWAY. I MEAN, THE PROBLEMS ARE STILL
THERE, BUT REMEMBER THAT "SHAWSHANK" SCENE WHEN THE DUDES
ARE DRINKING BEER ON THE ROOF? THEY WERE STILL IN PRISON, BUT
FOR ONE DAY IT JUST FELT OKAY. THAT'S HOW I FEEL NOW.
I'M SO RELIEVED. IF TRUMP WON, I THOUGHT THERE
WOULD BE A RACE WAR. COLIN, ME AND MY FRIENDS WERE
GOING TO KIDNAP YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
I RENTED THIS BIG OLD FRIDGE AND EVERYTHING, IT WAS A GOOD PLAN.
>> WOULD I GO IN THE FRIDGE? >> THE BOX.
>>> BY THE WAY, I WANT TO POINT OUT, IT'S CRAZY THAT IT'S
SATURDAY AND THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO'S CONCEDED IS KANYE WEST.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN
KANYE ACCEPTS REALITY FASTER THAN YOU DO.
>> TRUMP HAS FILED SEVERAL LAWSUITS DEMANDING RECOUNTS AND
ALLEGING VOTER FRAUD. I WANT TO POINT SOMETHING OUT
REAL QUICK. REMEMBER IN 2016 WHEN HE LOST
THE POPULAR VOTE TO HILLARY BY 3 MILLION?
HE BLAMED IT ON ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS SNEAKING IN AND
VOTING. THIS TIME HE'S GOING TO LOSE BY
5 MILLION VOTES. WHICH BY HIS OWN LOGIC MEANS
TRUMP LET IN 2 MILLION MORE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS, AND THEY ALL
VOTED FOR BIDEN. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THERE'S BEEN A FEW COUNTER
DEMONSTRATIONS IN RED STATES LIKE TEXAS AND ARKANSAS.
AND I JUST WANT WHITE REPUBLICANS TO LOOK ON THE
BRIGHT SIDE. YOU STILL GOT JOE BIDEN.
HE'S NOT THE OLD WHITE GUY YOU WANT, BUT HE'S STILL AN OLD
WHITE GUY. IS IT THAT DIFFERENT?
YOU WANTED LUPITA, YOU GOT A CHALUPA, BIG DEAL.
WHAT, JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO FREE THE SLAVES AGAIN?
HEY, COLIN, THAT IS TIE A CLIP-ON?
[ LAUGHTER ] I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY THAT
ALL YEAR. >>> THE AFTERMATH OF TRUMP'S
CAMPAIGN IS ALSO REALLY FUNNY TO ME.
BECAUSE NORMALLY WHEN YOU LOSE A CAMPAIGN, YOU WONDER WHAT WENT
WRONG? WAS MY MESSAGING ON THE ECONOMY
OFF? FOR TRUMP IT'S LIKE, HUH, MAYBE
I SHOULDN'T HAVE OPENLY TAUNTED THE DEAD HERO OF A STATE I
NEEDED TO WIN. [ LAUGHTER ]
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA, AND SAID
THIS ABOUT ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA. >> BEFORE THE PLAGUE CAME IN, I
HAD IT MADE. I WASN'T COMING TO ERIE.
I MEAN, I HAVE TO BE HONEST. THERE'S NO WAY I WAS COMING.
I DIDN'T HAVE TO. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> PERSONALLY, I WOULDN'T HAVE SPRAYED MY OWN SUPPORTERS WITH
COVID AT MY RALLY, BUT HEY, THAT'S JUST ME.
But THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP LOSING THIS
ELECTION IS THAT PRETTY SOON WE WILL NEVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO
DONALD TRUMP AGAIN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE MAY WANT TO LISTEN SOMETIMES FOR ENTERTAINMENT.
JUST LIKE WE MIGHT WANT TO SLOW DOWN TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT A
BURNING CAR. BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO.
[ LAUGHTER ] BEFORE TRUMP WAS PRESIDENT, NO
ONE EVER CARED WHAT HE SAID. NO ONE WAS EVER LIKE, HUH, I
WONDER WHAT THE LEAST-SUCCESSFUL REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER IN NEW
YORK THINKS ABOUT THIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
IN THREE MONTHS TRUMP WILL JUST BE ANOTHER GUY YELLING
CONSPIRACY THEORIES IN THE BACKGROUND.
THEN WE CAN TREAT HIM LIKE THIS REPORTER DID TODAY WITH THE
CRAZY DUDE BEHIND HIM.