(00:00): Have you ever wondered how you can
not come across as needy, desperate, or validation seeking when it comes to, uh, relationships, when
it comes to, uh, connecting with someone else and being able to create that kind of connection that
you're looking for? That's what we're going to be talking about in this video today. And stay tuned
through to the end of this, because we're going to be giving you some practical tools and resources
to help you make all of this happen. Hey, there, it's Clay with modern love.life. So we all,
I think, know that it's not a good thing. It's not gonna help you out to come across as desperate or
needy or validation seeking or anything like that, especially when it comes to relationships. But how
do we actually do this? Because there's definitely a lot of people that, despite the fact that
this is, you know, pretty much I would imagine universal knowledge, uh, people are still coming
across as desperate and needy. (00:58):
So, how do we go about doing this? And, you know, you might expect me to tell you things,
you know, like, Oh yeah, you know, pretend like you don't want it. Play hard to get, uh, you know,
date a million people so that you don't, uh, you know, get emotionally attached to one person or
something like that. That's not what I'm going to tell you to do, because these are just surface
level, uh, ways of approaching this problem of neediness and validation seeking. And, you know,
if you've watched, uh, other videos on this channel before, you know that I, I like to address
things at the root cause rather than, uh, you know, just looking for quick fix band-aid kind of
solutions that are gonna leave you in some other predicament, you know, uh, a couple days later or
something like that from the same root cause. (01:48):
I mean, that's, you know, like, it, it's, it's just not a useful endeavor to just
try and fix one dumpster fire problem to just fall back into the same dumpster fire,
um, you know, just a couple days or maybe a week later, right? So let's actually solve this at a
much deeper level. The big thing about how to come across as not being needy or desperate
or validation seeking is to actually become non needy, non desperate nonvalid seeking. If you're
able to do this, then that is how you're going to really come across that way, because if you're,
if you're just not desperate, then the things that you do, the things that you say, um, aren't going
to come across as desperate because you're not aligning yourself with the energy of desperation
or neediness or validation seeking instead, uh, you know, aligning yourself with, Hey,
I'm comfortable in my own skin. I know that I'm enough. I know that I'm worthy of love. I know all
of these sorts of things, and I hope you do know that. I hope you do know that you are worthy of
love for the person that you are. You know, (02:58):
That's been been a, a, a very core message that I've tried to communicate, um, on this YouTube
channel for the past, you know, 10 plus years is that you deserve to be loved for who you are.
Please make sure you hit the thumbs up button for the YouTube algorithm. Please make sure you
subscribe to this YouTube channel if you're not already subscribed, and hit that notification
bell as well too, and just affirm that message down below in the comment section that you know,
Hey, I deserve to be loved for who I am. So this brings up the question of how to actually not be
needy. And what you are probably gonna want to do is to take a little bit of a look at yourself and
examine yourself and examine sort of what your emotions and beliefs and thoughts are about,
you know, whatever the situation that's at hand here that could be causing you to feel a sense
of neediness. (03:47):
You know, are you, um, you know, wanting to be in a relationship with someone, but that
person, uh, maybe doesn't seem that interested in you right now? Is that where this is coming
from and you feel like you need to, um, get their approval for, for whatever reason, right?
Start to look at where is that coming from? Is it coming from, Oh, you know, um, if if this
relationship doesn't work out, then you know, it means I'm not worthy of love or it means, uh, you
know, I'm not good enough, or it means, you know, whatever it could mean for you. I don't know. But
start to look through that. And, you know, it's not uncommon for me to talk to people, say, Yeah,
you know, I, I look through that and I'm good, I'm fine. But I'd ask you to take like a deeper level
look, go a little bit deeper. (04:24):
Like, okay, is there a part of you that is looking for validation? Is there a part of
you that's like afraid of rejection? Is there a part of you that's afraid of not getting what
you want? Is there a part of you that doesn't trust yourself to just surrender and let the
best things come into your life? Is there a part of you that feels like you need to white knuckle
onto, you know, whatever blessings or good things are coming your way, whether that's,
you know, relationships or love or a career or something else because you don't trust that,
um, you know, you'll be able to, to get something like that or better at some
point in the future. And so you feel like you need to, you know, desperately cling onto the
small little breadcrumbs that you have. I don't know, but I'd encourage you to really dig deeper
than just the surface level thing of like, Oh, yeah, you know, uh, I went through a breakup,
but I went to the gym and lifted some heavy weight, so I'm over it now, right?
(05:20): I'm, you know, Sure, go ahead, lift weights.
It's probably good for your health. Um, but don't expect it to be some sort of miracle solution
that's going to solve all of your, you know, internal emotional problems. I mean, a again,
there are a lot of amazing benefits that you can have from doing things like that. You want to dig
deeper here. You want to dig past the point where you think you have it all together and say like,
what's on the other side of that? You know? Um, if you've watched some of my recent videos,
um, I've told you over the past, oh, what's it been now, maybe three months or so? I've been
dealing with a lot of stressful things in my own personal life. Um, you know, my mother has
had some health issues recently. She had a, she had a covid infection and then she had a stroke,
and then she had a heart attack all within a span of, you know, maybe three months or so.
(06:13): You know, it's been a pretty stressful ordeal for
me. Um, you know, of course, uh, having to deal with the practicalities of it, uh, but also just
dealing emotionally with the, the whole, uh, uh, idea that my mom might pass away that like, this
could be it, this could be the end of, uh, my moms story. And, um, you know, I might have to, uh,
confront the idea of living in a world without her growing up with, with just her and me. You know,
she was a single mother. Um, I have a, I have a pretty good, um, connection with her so,
you know, if, if, if she's gonna go sometime soon, it would be, uh, a difficult thing for
me to go through. The thing that was helpful for me in dealing with all of this was to,
um, really just not resist those feelings, Not resist those feelings of, of fear, of loss, of,
um, regret of, of, of anything else that might have been coming up.
(07:13): And to instead just sit with them,
not run away from them, not block them off, not, you know, weld the door shut on them or anything
like that, and pretend that they're not there, but to just welcome them in and to sit with them
and feel them and to learn to find peace with that, with that thought. Because, you know,
at some point this is going to be the last, uh, you know, couple of moments that my mom is around.
I don't know if that's gonna be anytime soon. I don't know if it's gonna be years from now,
but at some point it will happen. I had to kind of sit with that whole experience and learn to
find peace with it. And when you find peace with it, what happens is you no longer are running
away from it. It's no longer this sort of like off limits thing that, that's going to destroy you or
crush you or anything like that. (07:58):
If it actually goes down that way. I mean, don't get me wrong, when my mom finally does pass away,
it's probably gonna have a pretty heavy effect on me. But, um, um, I think I'm better equipped to
handle it because I've put in the effort and work to emotionally accept, um, all of these sorts of
things. Going back to you and your situation, when it comes to neediness, when it comes to validation
seeking, when it comes to desperation, you know, what is it that's on the other side of that? Is
it, is it fear that you're not good enough? Is it fear that, um, no one's gonna ever love you if, if
like one person rejects you or something like that? Is it fear that you know you're not,
um, I don't know, a man or a woman because you know, you can't get a relationship or you can't
get someone interested in you? (08:45):
Is is it something else? Is it, is it fear that like you can't get what you want or something like
that? I don't know, but I'd encourage you to just sit with that. I'd encourage you to just, just
sort of sit with that darkness, sit with that fear, sit with that painful energy, sit with that,
um, you know, whatever it might be for you. And instead of running away from it,
instead of hiding from, instead of distracting yourself from it, start to come to peace with
it. You know, there's so many ways that people try to avoid these sorts of feelings. You know,
they might, uh, numb themselves out with like alcohol or drugs or some other sort of, uh,
compulsive addiction kind of thing. They might procrastinate on trying to go out and date
someone, or trying to contact someone or trying to ask someone out or something like that.
(09:33): They might text message
template. If I learned the right clever one liners or pick up lines or something like that,
then I'd be better equipped to handle the situation. So I wouldn't be rejected. I mean,
you know, again, don't get me wrong. There's, there's benefit in learning how to,
um, navigate through the social world and how to, you know, cultivate things like a sense of humor
and, uh, charm and all that sort of stuff. But it's not going to take the place of healing some
sort of deep core wound that could be causing you to feel needy or insecure or anxious or
validation seeking or something like that. If you can just get this thing handled on a deep level,
number one, you're probably not gonna need the lines as much anyway, cuz you're gonna know that
you're gonna be okay no matter what happens. (10:26):
And, uh, number two, you're gonna naturally start to say the right things anyway, because it's gonna
be coming from a place of I trust myself, I trust myself to, to know what to do next in,
in whatever the situation might be. And then the next thing I wanna also talk about here is,
um, you know, yeah, realistically, uh, you know, you might go for something, you might
ask someone out, you might, um, ask them to meet up with you. You might send them
a message. You might, uh, uh, you know, contact them on the dating app or whatever.
You might ask them to be in a relationship with you, and maybe it doesn't go the way that you want
it to, right? Maybe they say no, maybe they say they're not interested, or, uh, , you know,
and I was single. Um, I was always really afraid of, you know, the, the, the big dramatic rejection
from a woman, you know, the, the slap in the face or the throwing the drink at you
or something like that. (11:22):
I mean, I, I don't know if that actually happens in real life. You know, when, when you're
just a, a regular guy walking up to a woman in a totally regular sort of way, you're like, Hey,
I saw you and I wanted to come say hello. Like, I don't, I don't think that actually happens.
Um, , unless she's just in a really bad mood, or unless the guy just has, uh,
really poor social skills or something, the bad thing that you could be fearing it could happen.
Like, let, let's, let's be honest about that. And the important thing here is that you understand
the difference between, um, what happened and the story that you're telling yourself about what
happened. So, you know, um, there you are, you're, you're, you're worried about feeling needy,
desperate validation seeking, all that sort of stuff. You're worried that, you know,
if you ask someone to, to, to meet up with you, to get together with you,
that it's gonna look needy. (12:15):
And so you, you hold back and so you decide to play some mind games or something like that.
Um, and you know, for whatever reason, however it works, um, they don't wanna meet up with you
either, either because you know, the mind games didn't work or because you got over it and you
just decided, okay, I'm not gonna, um, let it hold me back. I'm just gonna ask them out or whatever.
And, uh, they, they, they don't wanna meet up with you, right?
What we want to do is we wanna be very clear to ourself about the difference between what happened
and the story that we're telling ourselves about what happened. So, you know, if they, if, if they
don't want to go out with you, that's it. They said, Hey, I don't want to go out with you. You
know, whatever it is that they said, they didn't say, you know, Hey, you're, you're, you're a
worthless person on behalf of all humanity, I reject you or anything like that, right?
(13:08): Uh, you know, they're not saying that,
you know, yeah, you're your mom or your dad or whatever was right, you were unlovable or any no,
they just said, No, I don't want to go out on a date with you, right? And so the more you're able
to just sit with what actually happened, instead of further agitating the situation and stirring
the pot by telling yourself some story that I'm not worthy of love, this is proof. Uh, I'm not
the kind of guy that women want to be with. I'm not the kind of woman the guys want to be with.
Whatever. The more you tell yourself these sorts of stories, the more you're just agitating this,
the more you're just adding more drama to all of this, which is just going to up the stakes for
you and cause you to, to, to be more needy, more desperate, more validation seeking.
(13:56): I mean, you know, think about it this way. Like,
if, if, if you were to just walk up to someone and say, Hey, I, I, I, I think, uh, you're, you're an
interesting person, I'd love to get to know you, you free this weekend, right? Um, and that's all
it was a lot less stress. But if you're like, Okay, you know what? I gotta go up and I got to,
um, ask this person out, and, you know, if I do, then that means that I'm okay.
I'm worthy of love that, that, you know, so and so back in high school who rejected me.
Um, you know, they don't know what they're talking about and that I am okay. And that if, if they do
say no, then that means that, oh my gosh, like, maybe I really am not worthy of love. And maybe,
maybe, maybe all those times that I wanted someone and they didn't want me back, maybe,
maybe it's some sort of reflection of me and my value as a person.
(14:46): Maybe this world isn't meant for me,
right? And, you know, trust me, I've been there so many times. I've told myself so many stories
over the years about, um, all the reasons why I'm not worthy of love. You know, I'm too short. I'm,
I'm some, you know, weird half white, half Asian person. Um, uh, I don't come from a
great family. My, my parents were divorced, all that sort of stuff. And, um, there's all sorts
of stories that I could tell myself that I could, that I could play into. Um, but the point is, is
that doesn't have anything to do with whatever's going on in the moment, most likely. Um, it's
really just, Hey, you know, there's someone who's interesting. There's someone, uh, who I want to
connect with. There's someone who I want to, um, you know, ask out or be in a relationship with.
(15:32): Let's just take that next step. So
your responsibility in all of this is to simply just know what you want
and to go after it and to, to not let old emotions that you're holding onto, into
pull you into something that's not there. Some story from your past, some previous rejection,
some narrative that you're afraid of about your worth or your value or whatever. And if you can
do that, like if you can sit with those fears that you have and work through them and know
that you're gonna be okay on the other side, that's gonna help you a lot. Um, but also if
you can just differentiate in your mind between the, the story that you're telling yourself and
what actually happened, then that's going to also help you a lot as well too. Anyway, if this has
been something that you found useful, and if this has been something that you'd like to take to a
deeper level, um, I'd love to have you check out our chorus called Emotional Freedom. It's
over@modernlove.life slash e f. You can go ahead and find it down in the description box below if
you need a link for that. But thank you so much. Take care. And if you haven't already, make sure
you give me some love by hitting that thumbs up button. Take care and I'll talk to you next.