[MUSIC PLAYING]
[RUBBING HANDS TOGETHER] [EXHALE]
Happy birthday Mac, yeah.
Yeah!
Mac the God.
Happy birthday.
He's one years old.
- Yeah. - He knew it too.
He was like hopping around and shit.
He was acting like a little diva yesterday.
I was like, relax dog.
How did we celebrate?
OK, his thing is ever since he was a puppy,
he's enjoyed salt and vinegar chips, which is weird.
Listen, I was just given the instructions.
So I got him a bag of salt and vinegar chips.
And I got myself Shake Shack.
But, yeah, and he got the coat, the "Desus & Mero" coat.
You know what I'm saying?
September 29.
It's on the calendar.
And she's like 10.
So she is getting there.
You know what I'm saying?
So every year, I'm checking, I'm like yo.
Mm.
She likes literally anything you give her.
She's like, yo, rice and beans, I'm with it.
Yo-- don't-- she digs the chicken
bones out of the food for me so I don't have to do it.
You know what I'm saying?
Shout out to Brownie.
You know, she's a true-- she's a warrior, ride or die bitch.
They wouldn't.
Brownie is very--
Brownie-- so this is the thing with Brownie.
Brownie is very aggressive.
She like to bark at other dogs, but not people.
So she won't fuck with people.
But other dogs, she's like, "Yo, what the fuck?
What's up?
It's E Street around this motherfucker.
I don't give a fuck about this dog park.
I'm holding shit the fuck down.
Yeah, I'm going to shoot you.
So what?"
There's like mad big ass rottweilers and shit
everywhere. She'll be wildin' out.
But then when she's home, she's very calm,
plays with the children.
She lets them pull their tail.
She doesn't get upset.
She's not snappy.
Yeah Max lived in a luxury apartment
building his whole life.
Like he-- like he be going to neighbor dogs and stuff.
He'll be like, "That's not a resident, like."
He's like, "Close the door before they come in."
The cops come up and shit, but his dog is brown.
Mine is like not so brown.
Like I'll be going for walks in the morning.
And like Mac will be like, "Arf arf."
And the super will be like "Yeah,
yeah, I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it."
Brownie has seen some shit.
That bitch is 10 years old.
Mac's from Vermont also, so like he's like a Bernie.
She's be like, "Let tell you something, bro.
Let me tell you something little Mac,
tell you about these Bronx streets, all right?
I was out here since a pup off my leash.
[INHALE] [EXHALE] Want to smoke some PCP?"
He'd be like, "No, no, let's go to Whole Foods."
Yeah, yeah.
What'd Big Sean do?
Like-- OK, you know, I can't pronounce her name.
Yeah, her, that chick.
"Eat the booty like groceries?"
She-- she did a song.
And she's like subbing him or something like that's cool.
She's like, "Yo, you had some weak dick."
Is that what she said or something along the lines?
I'll be like--
I'm at my house.
I'm listening to Big Sean and Jhené Aiko.
Like, what am I?
Like 19?
Like-- I'm trying to get mortgages.
Jhené, Jhené Aiko.
Guácala.
They did have a good album together though.
It was like wild, like kind of.
It was like sexy.
But it was like watching a couple next to you
at like Red Lobster break up and shit.
But they're doing like a weird thing
where like they don't know if they're going to break up
or just go home and have sex.
Yeah.
Yeah, he said he made her cum nine times in one day
or at one time?
In one session?
You've got to break it down.
Was it nine sessions?
Because that might have been like little 30 second sessions
that didn't matter.
Then you've got to do the math and like does she
come easy and all this stuff?
She already blocked me, so, I mean--
She's like, ah.
Yeah, but, no, she blocked like 2014
Desus who had it coming.
No.
I probably added her in a tweet.
Like, come on, bro, like, I had that shit coming.
Every now and then I'll meet a celebrity.
I'll be like, you have me blocked.
They're like, "Oh my god, why?"
And I'm always like, "Oh, no, I deserved that shit, bro."
THE KID MERO: And I'm the wild--
Because you can always go back and like
look at the last interaction you had before you got blocked.
And you be like, "Oh, wow, damn.
I said about them kids, wow."
Wow.
That is a lot.
Does she still have it?
Or she covered it up?
Oh.
I know that tattoo artist is like, yeah, keep my number.
Yeah, you're sending my kids to school.
God damn, went through the whole Milky Way.
And cover up the fucking civil war era hero Sean himself.
Yo, that's Bitmoji Big Sean.
Come on, dog.
What is this pointillism going on here?
What the fuck is--
this shit is wild.
He deadass looks like he's like, yo, (FANCY VOICE)
Big Sean III, 1858.
(SPEAKING NORMALLY) Like the days
written in like fucking quill pen.
(FANCY VOICE) He invented horseshoes and peanut butter.
- That's right. - That's it.
Oh wow.
This is like the wild trivia they teach
at the Black history month.
(NASAL VOICE) "My report today is about Big Sean
and how he saved Virginia."
(NASAL VOICE) "He fought for our rights
to vote in Virginia in the 1800s.
We are very happy to salute Sean--
Big Sean, I'm sorry--
on this momentous occasion.
Thank you, Mrs. Davidson."
Uh--
Uh, yeah, I had a--
I had a BX tattoo.
And I covered it up.
Because my friend-- shout out to Andre.
He does the sleeves.
And I got the BX tattoo because I was waiting00 because someone
I work with was running late.
And I had to just go.
I had like an hour to kill.
So we were in Austin.
And I just went and got a BX tattoo in Austin,
which makes no sense.
But, you know?
When you're a star of this magnitude,
you arrive when you need to.
To be noted, this star had no per diem.
And we had to steal food from a hotel bar.
But, you know, it's whatever.
You don't even got to give me per diem.
I'll do per Mero.
I'll just walk in there and be like, "This is mine.
This is per Mero, per Mero."
Oh, man.
Yeah, it was wild.
You know how like you have a call time?
Yeah, I was there at call time.
And apparently call time means you
have to call his ass to wake.
Call my-- call me.
Call me.
He was like, "What's up? What's up?
What's going on today?"
I was like, "What do you mean?
We're in Austin."
We're had to film something, so.
Yeah, because with the--
this is big, the west African sleeve.
That's where Jamaica is from.
WOMAN: I know.
Get some knowledge.
You know.
[LAUGHING] If you don't know, Big Sean will tell you.
He was there.
He was one of the first.
Alex, how was your weekend?
What'd you do?
Like that.
My guy.
I like that.
I fucks with that energy.
You know what I'm saying? - Sounds good.
Sounds good.
When somebody says, now--
I turned the corner.
Because before it was like, "Yo, what did you do this weekend?"
"Yo, I did this. I did that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Yo, that's lit."
Now when people is all like, "Yo,
I didn't do shit," I'm like, "Yeah."
Yeah.
If you've got a nice setup, a nice TV,
comfortable couch, maybe a DiGiornos in the fridge,
you good, baby.
Fuckers is like, "Yo, so yo, Mero, [INAUDIBLE]."."
People are like, "Yo, are you coming to brunch?"
And I was like, "And miss all this 'Law & Order?'
You thought."
"Brunch?
Stabler just got back."
I was like, "You wildin' bro."
Just watching it, you're seeing like--
you see famous people in the background.
I was like, wow. - Yo.
Is that Oprah as a crackhead?
Damn.
God damn, [INAUDIBLE].
I'll tell you if you--
tell you what you want to know, go ahead
and give me some money.
I was like, wow.
Wow, OK, shit.
This is crazy, bro.
Oh, oh yeah.
Hot goss, hot goss, hot goss, hot goss.
"Pete Buttigieg surges to first place in Iowa,
new polls shows."
OK.
You said the goss was hot.
Shit, this is like lukewarm goss.
This ain't even goss.
"Mayor Pete was totally 'that guy' posing a holocaust--" wow.
What?
Oh, wow.
"You know I had to do it one time."
Wait.
Yo.
This all right.
This is not that bad.
Ah-- oh, oh.
Actually, I just realized.
I'm not allowed to say that.
I apologize.
Might have jumped the gun on that.
I would like to say that this is offensive.
And I say that as an ally.
Yo, yo.
No, who was the NBA player that had the wild--
Danny Green.
Bro, google that shit, "Danny Green holocaust memorial."
And he-- and the caption was-- says it all.
It's not even a caption-- it's the-- it's everything.
Like, "Yo--"
Because if y'all mad at--
if you're mad at Pete for this, wait, till you see this one.
Look at your man, got that hat like el tiamo.
He said, "You know I had to do it one time--"
"--one time. LOL."
"--LOL."
DESUS NICE AND THE KID MERO (IN UNISON): "#Holocaust."
You heard?
We out here.
Hashtag.
Yo, come on, man.
Yo, that's not a hashtag I follow.
Yo, fam, come on, dog.
[THEME MUSIC]