[cheers and applause]
-Thank you, thank you, thank you.
[applause]
Do you think your Irish grandparents are wondering?
My great-great-grandparents, who came here in 1846,
and went, "What in the hell's going on?"
I want to thank you for the warm welcome,
but, please, not so loud. [laughter]
Donald was listening.
Sleepy Don. [laughter]
I kind of like that. I may use that again.
Kelly O'Donnell,
president of the White House Correspondents Association,
thank you for having me. -Thank you, sir.
[cheers and applause]
-But Kelly O, let's be honest.
You're way too young to be president.
[laughter]
It's been a year since I delivered this speech,
and my wife Jill, who's with me tonight,
was worried how I'd do.
I told her, "Don't worry. Just like riding a bike."
She says, "That's what I'm worried about."
[laughter]
Of course, the 2024 election's in full swing.
And, yes, age is an issue.
I'm a grown man...
running against a 6-year-old.
[laughter]
Well, I feel great. I really feel great.
I'm campaigning all over the country --
Pennsylvania, Georgia, North Carolina.
I've always done well in the original 13 colonies.
[laughter]
And speaking of history,
did you hear what Donald just said
about the major Civil War battle?
Quote --
"Gettysburg. Wow!"
[laughter]
Trump's speech was so embarrassing,
the statue of Robert E. Lee surrendered again.
[laughter]
But, look... [chuckles]
age is the only thing we have in common.
My vice president actually endorses me.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
I had a great stretch since the State of the Union.
But Donald has had a few tough days lately.
You might call it "stormy weather."
[laughter]
What the hell?
[laughter]
Trump's so desperate, he started reading
those Bibles he's selling.
Then he got to the first commandment --
"You shall have no other gods before me."
That's when he put it down and said, "This book's not for me."
[laughter]
[chuckling] Look.
Being here is a reminder
that folks think what's going on in Congress
is political theater.
That's not true.
If Congress were theater,
they'd have thrown out Lauren Boebert a long time ago.
[laughter and applause]
Now, to all my friends in the press...
and Fox News...
[laughter]
...some of you complain that I don't take enough
of your questions.
No comment.
[laughter]
Of course,
The New York Times issued a statement
blasting me for, quote, "active and effectively
avoiding an independent journalist."
Hey, if that's what it takes
to get The New York Times to say I'm active and effective,
I'm for it.
[laughter]
It's okay.
[cheers and applause]
I have higher, higher standards.
I do interviews with strong independent journalists
who millions of people actually listen to,
like Howard Stern.
[laughter]
And I know you're looking around and saying,
"This guy's been doing this for 50 years.
He's had his moment. Give him something --
Give someone else a chance."
To say -- that I say, "Lorne, ignore the critics.
Ignore the critics."
Lorne's a great friend
who's had eight comedians play me over the years
on "Saturday Night Live" -- eight.
And who the hell says I'm not a real job creator?
[laughter]
Look, Lorne's had even more comedians and actors
joke about me...
like the funny guy in "Weekend Update" --
Michael Che.
[laughter and applause]
He's hilarious.
[applause]
Scarlett Johansson, you did such an incredible job
in your State of the Union rebuttal
that you should be weekend of the "Weekend Update."
Clearly, you're --
you're the funny one in the family.
[laughter]
Look, folks, on a serious note, in addition to marrying up,
Colin and I have another thing in common --
we both find strength in family.
I got to spend some time with his family
yesterday in the Oval Office.
Colin's dad was a high-school teacher in Staten Island,
and his mom is an incredible woman,
a family of firefighters, was chief medical officer
of New York City Fire Department on 9/11.
As a doctor, she rushed to Ground Zero,
risking her own life,
treating and saving fellow first responders.
Rushing into danger for others
is my definition of patriotism and heroism.
[cheers and applause]
And so is what all of you do when you report truth over lies.
That's why I want to close the night
with my genuine thanks to the free press.
There are some who call you the enemy of the people.
That's wrong, and it's dangerous.
You literally risk your lives doing your job.
[applause]
You do.
Covering everything from natural disasters
to pandemics to wars and so much more,
and some of your colleagues have given their lives.
Many have suffered grievous injuries.
Other reporters have lost their freedom.
Journalism is clearly not a crime --
not here, not there, not anywhere in the world.
[cheers and applause]
And Putin should release Evan and also, immediately.
[cheers and applause]
We're doing everything we can.
We're doing everything we can to bring home journalists,
fellow journalists -- Austin and all Americans like Paul Whelan,
you know, who were wrongfully detained all around the world.
I give you my word as a Biden,
we're not going to give up until we get them home --
all of them, all of them.
[cheers and applause]
On the third anniversary of January 6th,
I went to Valley Forge, and I said,
"The most urgent question of our time
is whether democracy is still --
is still the sacred cause of America."
That is the question
the American people must answer this year.
And you, the free press,
play a critical role in making sure
the American people have the information
they need to make an informed decision.
A defeated former president has made no secret
of his attack on our democracy.
He said he wants to be a dictator on Day One
and so much more.
He tells supporters he is their revenge and retribution.
When in God's name you ever heard another president
say something like that?
And he promised a bloodbath when he loses again.
We have to take this seriously.
Eight years ago,
you could have written off it as just Trump talk,
but no longer, not after January 6th.
I'm sincerely not asking you to take sides,
but I'm asking you to rise up to the seriousness of the moment.
Move past the horse race numbers and the gotcha moments
and the distractions, the sideshows
that have come to dominate and sensationalize our politics
and focus on what's actually at stake.
And I think in your hearts you know what's at stake.
The stakes couldn't be higher.
Every single one of us has roles to play,
a serious role to play in making sure democracy endures --
American democracy.
I know my role, but all due respect, so do you.
In the age of disinformation,
credible information that people can trust
is more important than ever, and that makes you --
and I mean this from the bottom of my heart --
makes you more important than ever.
So tonight, I'd like to make a toast.
To a free press.
To an informed citizenry.
To an America where freedom and democracy endure.
God bless America.
[cheers and applause]
Now I'm going to turn it over to Kelly,
and then you'll hear from a real comedian.
[laughter]
I think I know what I'm in for.
You know, Colin Jost has taken aim at me before with his jokes.
-Oh. I'm sure.
-Like saying, "After winning the South Carolina primary,
Biden barely edged out his closest rival --
time."
[laughter]
Colin...
when I win, I'm going to have a whole hell of a lot of time.
And I'm going to be watching, pal.
Kelly, back to you.
[cheers and applause]