AT SOME POINT MANY KIDS GO
THROUGH A REBEL YOUS PHASE.
ISSUES TO CREATE CONFLICT
BETWEEN PARENTS AND CHILDREN
CAN LINGER WHEN THE CHILDREN
BECOME ADULTS.
WE ARE ASKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
GURU ADVICE ON HAVING A GOOD
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PARENTS
AND ADULT CHILDREN.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO HAVE THAT
RELATIONSHIP.
IT IS.
WHAT IS INTERESTING IS
SOMETIMES ISSUES CAN GET
BURIED.
IT IS TRUE YOU CAN GET OVER
ISSUES.
IT IS WHEN YOU HAVE NOT GOTTEN
OVER THEM OR THE FAMILY HAVEN'T
PROCESSED THEM THEY CAN COME UP
LATER IN LIFE.
YOU SAID UNSOLICITED ADVICE
AND PERSONALTY DIFFERENCES ARE
LIKELY TO BE PROBLEMS WHEN YOUR
KIDS ADULTS VERSUS WHEN THEY
ARE GROWING UP.
EXACTLY.
WHEN YOU ARE A PARENT OF AN 8-
YEAR-OLD, THERE IS SUCH A
DEVELOPMENTAL DIFFERENCE.
YOU HAVE TO BE THE PARENT.
YOU HAVE SET THE RULES AND
THINGS.
WHEN YOUR CHILD TURNS INTO AN
ADULT THEY GET TO MAKE CHOICES
ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT TO DO AND
WHO THEY WANT TO BE AND ALL OF
THESE THINGS.
ONE OF THE THINGS I SEE IS THAT
PARENTS STRUGGLE WITH MAKING
CHANGES ALONG WITH THEIR KIDS.
THEY SIT IN A DEVELOPMENTAL
PHASE WHEN THEIR KIDS MUCH
OLDER.
YOU PUT TOGETHER GROUND
RULES.
YES.
ARE THESE MOSTLY DIRECTED TO
PARENTS.
THEY ARE DIRECTED TO
PARENTS.
PARENTS CAN SORT OF DO THESE AT
ANY AGE.
LIKE OBSERVING A RESPECTFUL
BOUNDARY.
THAT'S USEFUL.
WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE ADULTS YOU
NEED TO UNDERSTAND THEY ARE
ADULTS.
WHEN DO I EVALUATE THEIR
RELATIONSHIP OR WHATEVER.
EXACTLY.
A GOOD TIP, TOO, IS TO ASK.
THIS IS THE THING ABOUT
UNSOLICITED ADVICE.
IF THEIR BABY IS SCREAMING,
THEY ARE NEW PARENTS AND YOU
SAY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT
WAS
HELPFUL WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE A
SCREAMING BABY?
THEY MAY SAY NO.
I'M TRYING A NEW BOOK I READ.
LISTEN MORE THAN YOU TALK.
PARENTS GET EXCITED TO GIVE
THEIR ADVICE.
OUR FEELINGS CAN GET HURT
WHEN OUR ADVICE ISN'T TAKEN.
THAT'S WHY TO BE THOUGHTFUL
ABOUT WHEN IT IS WANTED.
LOOK FOR THINGS YOU LOVE TO
DO TOGETHER AND DO THEM.
YES.
YOU NEED TO LOOK FOR THOSE
MOMENTS.
ABSOLUTELY.
DO YOU LIKE TO GO ICE SKATING
OR GO FOR A RUN?
GOING TO THE MOVIES.
BUT NOT HAVING LUNCH ALL THE
TIME, ALTHOUGH LUNCH IS GREAT
OR EXPECTING YOUR KIDS TO COME
BY
AND HANG OUT.
YOU GET INTO A PATTERN.
KIDS COME HOME AND VISIT.
SURE.
I LIKE THE PARENT CHILD
RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU ARE
MORE BLUNT WITH YOUR PARENTS
ABOUT LET'S SET GROUND RULES.
THAT IS A GOOD THING TO DO.
ESPECIALLY AROUND DISAGREEMENT.
SOME OF THE RELATIONSHIP SKILLS
WE TALKED ABOUT THROUGHOUT ON
THIS SEGMENT ALSO HOLD TRUE
WHERE YOU WANT TO PICK YOUR
MOMENT, IF YOU ARE THE ADULT
CHILD TALKING TO YOUR PARENT OR
THE PARENT TALKING TO ADULT
CHILD.
IF YOU HAVE A CONFLICT WAIT
UNTIL TEMPERS COOL AND GO BACK
IN AND TALK ABOUT IT AT A GOOD
TIME.
SOMETIMES AN ADULT CHILD
WILL GO SO FAR AS TO CUT OFF
THE PARENT.
THAT'S A TOUGH MOMENT.
IT IS REALLY TOUGH.
I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN.
IT IS HEART BREAKING FOR
PARENTS.
SO, THE ISSUE IS OFTEN CHILDREN
ONLY DO THAT, ADULT CHILDREN
ONLY DO THAT WHEN THEIR PARENTS
HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING.
IT DOESN'T COME OUT OF NOWHERE
USUALLY.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT THERE IS
PARENTS NEED TO SORT OF CHECK
IN BRIEFLY BUT RESPECT, IT IS
ABOUT RESPECTING THE BOUNDARY.
YOU CAN SAY ARE YOU READY TO
TALK?
DO YOU NEED MORE TIME?
IF YOU GET A BLANK NO YOU HAVE
TO HANG UP THE PHONE AND SAY.
MAYBE BRING SOMEONE ELSE IN
THAT COULD HELP RESOLVE THINGS.
I CAME UP WITH THIS.
I THOUGHT FAMILY THERAPY IS NOT
JUST FOR KIDS ANYMORE.
I HAVE SEVERAL FAMILIES IN MY
PRACTICE WITH ADULT CHILDREN
BRINGING IN THE FAMILY.
THERE IS A LOT OF HEALING.
LIFE IS LONG.
TAKE THE LONG VIEW.
CONTINUE TO HOLD HOPE FOR
YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
TIME REALLY CHANGES THINGS.