- I've built a tripod out of seven unstable things.
♫ Where in the world is Superwoman today ♫
New York City again, ow!
And sleepy A.F.
(horse whinnies)
What up everyone, it's your girl Superwoman!
And yes, my face is all did.
Why?
Because I just shot for The Daily Show,
but we'll talk about that later.
And yo, this took two hours
so, like don't get used to it.
First, let's talk about travel, because I do that a lot.
And I feel like no matter which airline I take,
I go crazy because all airlines seem to suck.
Is it just me, or are airlines the devil?
Like, will the good airline please stand up?
Now for me, finding a good airline is like
finding a straight man at a Britney Spears concert.
Okay, it's unlikely, because they'll get your hopes up
and then they'll drop the whole,
♫ Oops! I did it again
♫ I played with your heart ♫
Storytime!
Now you already know I dislike one particular airline
that shall remain unnamed, okay?
The freaking Voldemort freaking airlines, that's right.
Okay, rhymes with "Air Panada"
So I won't even go there, I won't even discuss that.
But recently, aka two days ago,
I was flying from Trinidad back to LA,
and I flew with an airline called Spirit Air.
I know, right?
Like the effing Tumblr of airlines.
I'm like, "Ok! This is gonna be great!"
So I had wonderful expectations okay,
because I'm like, "Uh, hello, who doesn't like spirit?"
And it was a connecting flight so I had to do that
annoying thing where you have to collect your baggage.
You know, I don't like when people say collect.
"You gotta collect your bags," why do people say that?
Sounds like some sad hobby, like you're collecting bags.
Honestly, it's just like a fancy word.
I dislike when people say collecting things.
Oh my God, I'm a douchebag.
Makeup has changed me.
Get, I had to get my bag and re-check it in
because I was going through U.S. Customs.
So I have my suitcase I'm gonna check-in
and my friend has his carry-on.
Get this, this airline charges $55
to take a carry-on onto the plane
and $50 to check a massive suitcase.
What is the logic?!
First of all, I've never even heard of
having to pay for a carry-on bag,
but for it to be more expensive
than a large checked suitcase,
I just don't even get it.
Qu'est-ce que what?
Honestly, this is the same stupid logic
when you buy women's clothes.
The less material used, the more expensive.
The more chances of a nip-slip, the more you pay.
Who makes these decisions?!
So we're tired, we're annoyed, we wanna get home.
So we reluctantly pay these baggage fees.
And then I put my bag on the scale to weigh it,
and I know it's gonna be fine because
I just got off this first flight,
and I know it's 50 on the dot.
It's gonna be amazing.
I'm golden
I'm basically a freaking genius.
And you know what this lady says to me?
Imma tell you right now what she says to me.
This lady's all up in the place like,
"Yeah, it's overweight by 10 pounds, we only allow 40."
And I'm like, "Ex-squeeze me?
" You allow 40, because every other airline on this planet
"and probably Neptune, allows 50."
50 pounds, 23 kgs, that is the standard.
I've traveled every airline, never have I heard differently.
It's like you're intentionally screwing people over
because you know that these are connecting flights
and the first airline, which was cooler, and hotter,
and had a better booty than your airline
did not charge me for this bag.
And now you all up in here like 40 pounds is the limit?
You know my bag ain't 40 pounds, you know I overpack.
You know I pack for every possible scenario.
I don't care if I packed for a tropical climate,
you know I packed my snowpants.
Just in case!
So I'm like, "Bro, are you for real?"
And she's like, "Yeah, 40's the limit for safety reasons.'"
And here's the thing right,
I feel like when any airline tells you about baggage weight,
they always have all of these valid reasons.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
"According to the union,
"our staff can't carry anything over 40 pounds.
"It affects the balance of the plane.
"Our staff members are all hunchbacks from Notre Dame.
"We just ran out of Spirit Juice."
And then suddenly, paying an extra fee
gets rid of all of these reasons.
"Oh, our staff isn't allowed to carry anything
"over 40 pounds for safety reasons,
"unless you pay an additional fee of $25."
Like, that's how much your spine is worth, okay?
All those vertebraes, all those lumbar
things you got going on.
You know that part of biology you failed in?
All that, that's $25!
You are a valued employee.
Or you know what? (sniffs)
What's that I smell?
Oh, the whole thing is B.S.
Also, did I leave food in my room?
I think I left food in my room, goddamnit.
At this point, I'm straight up annoyed.
I'm like, "You know what? Here, take $130.
"Take my first-born child, Rumplestiltskin.
"Take everything, take my bloody watch."
Look, I don't have watch, you know why?
Because they bloody take it.
Cut off some of my hair, give you that.
And then after paying my life savings, okay.
I look up to see this airline slogan that reads,
and I quote, "Save more. Spend less."
And I'm just like, "Girl, where?"
Where is this saving you speak of?
There's no saving.
I didn't see no saving!
You see savings?
I see no savings, because there's no saving up in here.
This airline is mother-effing Mufasa.
Nothing is being saved.
Simba is crying.
I'm gonna be real with you, okay?
I don't mind spending money on things that make sense.
Like all the things celebrities convince me to buy.
But baggage fees? Nah.
And it's not just this airline.
Okay, I'm not trying to blast this one airline, okay?
I've already done that before.
Been there, done that.
But I feel like these days,
all airlines charge you for ridiculous things.
This flight didn't have complimentary drinks or snacks.
In fact, you had to pay for water.
Water!
I would rather watch The Notebook five effing times
and collect my...
Get?
Gather my tears in a cup, okay,
and drink that, than pay $5 for your devil water.
Oh, but I can't do that though!
Because there's no screens on this plane, there's no movies,
there's no USB ports, there's no blankets,
there's no soul, this plane has no soul.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
Kevin Hart would be disgusted.
And thank God nothing went wrong because I feel like
if we had any type of serious turbulence
and those oxygen masks had to come down,
there would be a little lock over the mouthpiece like,
"Swipe your credit card for air."
And you know me, I'm cheap and stubborn.
I'll read that and be like, "mm-mmm."
(inhales)
Trying to pull a mother-effing David Blaine.
Okay, I'll take my chances.
Ok woah, that made me dizzy.
That made me, I need to get more oxygen.
Ok, we're good.
And can we be real? Can we be real?
It's so strange how airlines charge you for everything,
but when the airline effs up,
it's a totally different story.
I've had flights delayed for hours and hours,
and I've had airlines lose/break my baggage.
And you know what the most I've gotten is?
Let me tell you, a $75 voucher.
Now, explain to me how a $75 voucher
for a $900 horrible flight is going to make up for anything?
Can you, can you tell me, Mr. Stupid Airline,
which one of your flights cost $75 for me
to book with your crappy airline again?
Where am I flying for $75?
I can't even fly from freaking Park Place
to Boardwalk with $75.
I can't even pass GO and collect $200.
Why am I collecting $200.
Honestly, I am never saying the word "collect" again.
I hate it, I hate the word.
Get $200.
$75 voucher, yeah, the next time I go check my mail
I'll take a flight down my driveway with your $75 voucher.
Can't even buy the wi-fi on your plane with this voucher
because the wi-fi is so expensive.
And here's the thing about the wi-fi as well.
It's like, "Here, pay so much money for our wi-fi,
"except you can't do anything.
"We don't let you stream or watch videos
"or transfer large files, or really do anything fun.
"But if you pay this large sum of money
"for this crappy wi-fi we'll go send
"a raven to go fetch your emails." (laughs)
You bloody stupid!
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed that video.
Please give it a thumbs up.
Comment below letting me know about all your experiences.
What's your favorite airline?
What are your horror stories?
Let me know because I wanna know this information,
I travel so much.
Also, yes I was on The Daily Show today.
It's already aired in Eastern Standard TIme,
but Pacific Standard Time, literally if you watch this video
maybe in like, an hour...
Oh, I don't have a watch, I gave it to Spirit Air.
But at 11pm, Pacific Standard Time today,
in case you're watching this as soon as it comes out.
You can watch me on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.
What up t-shirt reference, heeeey!
Tomorrow I will also be on The Today Show.
Which is very, very exciting.
So many exciting things going on.
If you wanna check out my last video, it is right there.
You can check out my vlog right there.
And yo, make sure you subscribe
because I make new videos every Monday and Thursday.
One love, Superwoman!
That is a wrap, and zoop!
I'm so tired...
(snores)