WELCOME ONE AND ALL, DOWN HERE, UP THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S AN EXCITING DAY HERE IN NEW YORK CITY --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
-- BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF ALL IN-PERSON SCHOOL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 18 MONTHS,
KIDS CAN ENJOY CLASS WITHOUT SEEING THEIR FRIENDS' DADS
WANDERING BEHIND THEM IN BOXERS.
IF THEY'RE LUCKY.
OF COURSE, THERE ARE ALWAYS SOME HICCUPS ON THE FIRST DAY.
THE ONLINE HEALTH SCREENINGS THAT FAMILIES ARE REQUIRED TO
FILL OUT EACH MORNING HAD CRASHED BY ABOUT 8:00 A.M., SO
SOME EDUCATORS WERE FORCED TO COMPLETE THEIR OWN SCREENINGS OF
HOW EACH CHILD WAS FEELING THAT MORNING.
"SO, I'VE READ YOUR HEALTH FORMS, AND I SEE MANY OF YOU ARE
SUFFERING FROM BUTT FEVER BUTT-ACHE, AND SHORTNESS OF
BUTT.
OKAY, PUT A MASK OVER YOUR BUTT AND COME ON IN."
OF COURSE, KIDS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES VULNERABLE TO COVID.
WHICH IS WHY LAST WEEK PRESIDENT BIDEN ISSUED A PLAN
TO REQUIRE ALL PRIVATE-SECTOR BUSINESSES WITH MORE THAN 100
EMPLOYEES TO MANDATE VACCINES OR WEEKLY TESTING.
THAT'S GREAT.
OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU WANT THAT SENSE OF SECURITY.
>> Jon: YEAH.
YOU'VE GOT TO FEEL SAFE, GOT TO BE SAFE.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU GO INTO A STARBUCKS,
YOU SHOULD FEEL SAFE.
UNTIL YOU SEE THE BATHROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) ARE THOSE... TEETH?
OF COURSE, THESE SAFETY MEASURES ENRAGED THE LUNATIC FRINGE OF
ANTI-VAXXERS, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS.
MISSISSIPPI GOVERNOR AT A TIME REEVES DECLARED THIS IS AMERICA
AND WE STILL BELIEVE IN FREEDOM FROM TYRANTS.
YES, RECEIVING MEDICAL TREATMENT PART OF A PROUD AMERICAN
TRADITION.
WHO COULD FORGET THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF PATRICK HENRY?
"GIVE ME RUBELLA AND GIVE ME DEATH.
BECAUSE I WANT TO DIE FROM RUBELLA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOME GOVERNORS HAVE EVEN
THREATENED TO SUE THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION OVER VACCINES,
AND ON FRIDAY, THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED.
>> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO REPUBLICANS WHO ARE CALLING YOUR
VACCINE REQUIREMENTS AN OVERREACH, WHO ARE
THREATENING TO CHALLENGE IT IN COURT?
>> HAVE AT IT.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN) "COME AT ME, BROSEPH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COME ON!
COME ON, STEP UP!
YOU WANT A LITTLE PIECE?
YOU WANT A TASTE?
YOU WANT A SCOOP OF THIS?
I WENT TO THE SCRANTON SCHOOL OF BUS STOP TUSSLIN'!
ONCE GAVE A MAN A LITTLE ELBOW MUSIC FOR LOOKIN' CROSS-EYED
AT MY BUSTER BROWNS!
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THE MANDATE, YOU CAN STOP BY AND
MEET MY PALS, EMPATHY AND PUBLIC SERVICE!
C'MON, JACKSON!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON, COME ON MAN, COME ON.
IT'S NOT JUST SCHOOL COMING BACK FROM COVID, BECAUSE AMERICA'S
ALSO SEEING THE SWEATY, STICKY, TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF SEX
PARTIES.
REALLY?
I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE: I JUST DON'T BUY THAT SEX PARTIES ARE A
THING.
I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS, SUPPOSEDLY THE HEIGHT OF DECADENCE, AND
I'VE NEVER ONCE BEEN ASKED TO A SEX PARTY.
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I SAY THEY DON'T EXIST.
I'VE NEVER BEEN UNINVITED OR NOT INVITED TO A SEX PARTY,
EITHER.
NO ONE EVER SAID, HEY, STEVE, MISSED YOU AT THE
SEX PARTY LAST NIGHT.
TOO BAD, YOU SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO'D BE REALLY GREAT
TO HAVE AT A REAL SEX-PARTY.
A REAL SEX-ASSET."
WHERE'S MY INVITATION?
IN MY JUNK EMAIL FOLDER?
BY WHICH I MEAN THE EMAIL FONDER ( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER ) FORGET IT!
FORGET IT!
I'M MAD!
I'M ANGRY!
( LAUGHTER ) BY WHICH I MEAN, THE FOLDER
WHERE I KEEP MY JUNK'S EMAIL.
IT'S LILSTEVE@COLBERT.ORG.
THAT'S RIGHT.
MY PENIS IS A NONPROFIT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
EVIE'S NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT JOKE.
WHEN COVID FIRST HIT, SOME PEOPLE MOVED THEIR SEX PARTIES
TO ZOOM, BUT THAT COULD BE AWKWARD.
ONE WOMAN TOLD RESEARCHERS "I WAS WITH MY PARENTS SO IT WAS
HARD TO HIDE IN THE ROOM AND HOST A ZOOM SEX PARTY."
"HON?
YOUR MOM AND I WERE GONNA ORDER P.F. CHANGS, DO YOU WANT LETTUCE
WRAPS?
ORDER THE LETTUCE WRAPS, SHE KEEPS SCREAMING YES, YES.
WAIT, GET OUT THE MENU, SHE SAYS SHE'S COMING."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WHAT?
WHAT?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T -- OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE ALL ADULTS.
ONE OF US JUST TURNED 18, IN FACT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YOUNG MAN IN THE FRONT ROW ASKED ME IF I COULD TALK TO MY
18-YEAR-OLD SELF, WHAT ADVICE WOULD I GIVE MY 18-YEAR-OLD
SELF, AND THAT ADVICE WOULD BE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SEX
PARTIES.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY DON'T -- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
INVITED?
( APPLAUSE ) HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN INVITED TO A
SEX PARTY?
>> I'M WITH MY MOM AND -- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE.
I APOLOGIZE.
I SHOULD NOT HAVE ASKED YOU THAT QUESTION.
MOM, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN INVITED TO A SEX PARTY?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHERE WERE WE?
RESEARCHERS ALSO FOUND THAT DURING THE LOCKDOWN, ONE IN FIVE
PARTICIPANTS CLAIMED TO BE EXPERIMENTING MORE.
PEOPLE GOT SO EXPERIMENTAL THAT A WHOPPING 2% OF AMERICANS
CLAIMED TO HAVE HAD THEIR FIRST THREESOME DURING THE PANDEMIC.
AND YOU KNOW THAT IF PEOPLE CLAIM THEY HAD A THREESOME, IT'S
DEFINITELY TRUE.
"WHAT HAVE I BEEN UP TO IN QUARANTINE?
OH, I DEFINITELY HAD A THREESOME.
WHILE I RAN A MARATHON.
WHILE WRITING MY SCREENPLAY IN ITALIAN THAT I LEARNED.
GOT TO GO, BEYONCE'S INVITING ME TO A SEX PARTY!"
( APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF A CRAZY ASS PILES,
TOMORROW CALIFORNIA IS DECIDING WHETHER TO RECALL DEMOCRATIC
GOVERNOR AND WESTWORLD'S TOP USED CAR SALESMAN, GAVIN NEWSOM.
46 CANDIDATES ARE RUNNING AGAINST THE CURRENT GOVERNOR,
INCLUDING BUSINESSMAN AND CANDIDATE WIDER THAN HIS
BACKGROUND JOHN COX.
COX HAS BEEN TRYING TO MAKE HIMSELF OUT TO BE A TOUGH GUY,
BASED ON WHO HE'S CAMPAIGNING WITH.
>> THE BLITZ BEGAN IN THE STATE'S CAPITOL, WITH A
1,000-POUND BURLY BROWN BEAR BY HIS SIDE.
>> STEPHEN: ALL THAT TELLS ME IS THAT JOHN COX IS SO BLAND, EVEN
A BEAR WON'T EAT HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BY SHOW OF APPLAUSE, HAS ANYONE BEEN INVITED TO A SEX PARTY?)
MAN SPEAKS UP ).
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO A SEX PARTY.
DID YOU RSVP?
DID YOU GO?
>> WOMAN: YEAH.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU GET ME ON A LIST?
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOR A
SECOND.
ANOTHER GOV WANNABE IS BILLBOARD MODEL ANGELYNE, WHO RELEASED
THIS COMPELLING VIDEO.
>> I'M RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA, IT'S JUST ME AND THE
DOG.
WILL YOU PLEASE VOTE FOR US?
WE PROMISE WE'LL BE REALLY GOOD.
THE DOG ONLY EATS A LITTLE BIT, AND I EAT... PIZZA.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: I'LL VOTE FOR YOU,
JUST LET THE DOG GO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SEX PARTY.
DEFINITELY SEX PARTY.
THERE'S ALSO PATRICK KILPATRICK, AN ACTOR, SCREENWRITER, AND
PRODUCER.
YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE HIM FROM SUCH FILMS AS "UNDER SIEGE 2,"
"FREE WILLY 3," "ANGEL 4," OR THE TV SHOW "BABYLON 5."
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF YOU ADD ALL THOSE NUMBERS
UP, IT IS MORE THAN THE VOTES PATRICK KILPATRICK WILL GET.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE
NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WILL BE THE NEXT GOVERNOR, BECAUSE ACCORDING
TO THE LATEST POLLS OVER 60% OF LIKELY VOTERS OPPOSE RECALLING
NEWSOM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE OTHER 40% SAID "I AM RUNNING
FOR GOVERNOR."
( LAUGHTER ) SO WITH NEWSOM LIKELY TO BE
VICTORIOUS, THE G.O.P. HAS TAKEN THE HIGH ROAD BY PRIMING THEIR
VOTERS TO BELIEVE THE CALIFORNIA RECALL WAS STOLEN.
NOT AGAIN!
WE KNOW THIS LEADS TO A TERRIBLE PLACE: SACRAMENTO.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IN MUSIC VIDEOS,
THE VMA'S WERE LAST NIGHT, AND THEY KICKED OFF WITH A VISIT
-- THE BIGGEST SHOW STOPPER WAS LIL NOZ X WHO DID A STEAMY SHOW
OF INDUSTRY BABY AND MONTEIRO.
S TELL ME YOU LOVE ME IN PRIVATE
S CALL ME BY YOUR NAME I DO NOT CARE
S IF YOU'RE LYING S >> STEPHEN: I'M NOT A PRUDE, BUT
I FIND THAT REALLY UPSETTING.
YET ANOTHER STAR-STUDDED SEX PARTY, AND I WASN'T INVITED.
GUYS!
I HAVE MY OWN BEDAZZLED SHORTS AND SOME BABY OIL.
SO, LIL' NAS, CALL ME WHEN YOU WANT, CALL ME WHEN YOU NEED,
CALL ME IN THE MORNING, I'LL BE ON THE WAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JEFF DANIELS AND CBS MORNINGS' NATE BURLESON.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, RUDY GIULIANI WAS GIVEN ALCOHOL NEAR
A MICROPHONE.