WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, ONE AND ALL, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN
COLBERT.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YOU'RE EXCITED, I KNOW WHY YOU ARE EXCITED BECAUSE
TODAY IS DONALD TRUMP'S 500th DAY IN OFFICE.
WHICH MEANS CONGRATULATIONS, WE MADE IT TO THE FIRST TRIMESTER
OF HIS PRESIDENCY.
BUT FOR SOME REASON MY NAUSEA HASN'T GONE AWAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE ISN'T GOING AWAY, THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION.
NO MATTER HOW HARD TRUMP TRIES.
AND THIS MORNING HE ADDED A NEW WRINKLE TWEETING AS HAS BEEN
STATED BY NUMEROUS LEGAL SCHOLARS, I HAVE THE ABSOLUTE
RIGHT TO PARDON MYSELF.
BUT WHY WOULD I DO THAT WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
I LOVE RIDDLES.
OH, I KNOW THIS ONE, IT'S BECAUSE IF YOU BRING THE GRAIN
OVER THE RIVER FIRST, THE FOX WILL COLLUDE WITH THE RUSSIANS
TO GET THE CHICKEN.
BUT WHY ARE YOU BRINGING IT UP IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO IT?
THAT'S LIKE A SURGEON SAYING IT'S JUST A ROUTINE
APPENDECTOMY, ALSO I COULD KILL YOU AT ANY TIME.
BUT REQUEST WOULD I DO THAT?
OKAY.
NOW COUNT BACKWARDS FROM TEN.
AND EVIDENTLY TRUMP'S LAWYERS AGREE WITH HIM, "THE NEW YORK
TIMES" OBTAINED A CONFIDENTIAL 20 PAGE LETTER FROM TRUMP'S
ATTORNEYS TO ROBERT MUELLER CLAIMING HE CAN'T BE PROSECUTED
FOR OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE BECAUSE THE CONSTITUTION POWERS
HIM TO, IF HE WISHED, TERMINATE THE INQUIRERY OR EVEN EXERCISE
HIS POWER TO PARDON.
OKAY.
SO IT'S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE
THING DONALD TRUMP WON'T DO, IT'S EXERCISE.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAMENT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
OKAY.
IN THE MEMO TRUMP'S LAWYERS ALSO ARGUE THE PRESIDENT SHOULD HAVE
TO SIT DUN FOR AN SPER VIEW WITH MUELLER BECAUSE HAVING HIM
TESTIFY DEMEANS THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT BEFORE THE WORLD.
ADDING NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE US, THE PRESIDENT HAS TO GO GET
SPANKED BY A PORN STAR WHILE.
IT'S DANGEROUS, THAT WAS IN "THE NEW YORK TIMES" TMENT LACKED
LIKE THAT WAS "THE NEW YORK TIMES."
TRUMP'S ABILITY TO PARDON HIMSELF WAS DEFENDED YESTERDAY
BY CURRENT TRUMP LAWYER AND MAN WHO IS JUST AS SHOCKED AS ARE
YOU THAT HE IS ALLOWED ON TV, RUDDY GIULIANI.
YESTERDAY RUDDY WAS ON WITH CHUCK TODD TO DEFEND THE
PRESIDENT BY THINGS STARTED OUT AWKWARD.
>> WELCOME BACK TO MEET THE PRESS.
>> NICE TO BE WITH YOU TODD, HOW ARE YOU.
>> I'M OKAY, LET ME START --.
>> CHRIS.
>> Stephen: IT'S OKAY, HE CALLED CHUCK TODD, TODD.
THEN CORRECTED HIMSELF TO CHRIS.
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S THE SORT OF ATTENTION OF
DETAIL, I LOOK FOR IN A LAWYER.
>> YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT PLEADS TODD-- I MEAN CHRIS-- I MEAN
GUILTY, HE'S SO GUILTY.
I'M SORRY, YOUR HONOR, GO ON.
DO YOU BELIEVE THE PRESIDENT COULD ALSO PARDON HIMSELF?
>> WELL, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
SO IT'S A HYPOTHETICAL POINT.
I THINK THE PRESIDENTIAL POWER, THERE IS NOTHING THAT LIMES THE
PRESIDENTIAL POWER OF PARDON FROM A FEDERAL CRIME.
>> Stephen: HE HAS A POINT.
THERE IS NOTHING IN THE CONSTITUTION THAT STOPS HIM.
AFTER ALL IT SAYS IN ARTICLE 2 SECTION 2 THE PRESIDENT SHALL
HAVE POWER TO GRANT REPRIEVES AND PARDONS, WHICH I GUESS
HYPOTHETICALLY INCLUDES HIMSELF.
(LAUGHTER) HUH.
IS IT TOO LATE TO GET THAT KING BACK?
AND ACCORDING TO GIULIANI, IT GOES FURTHER THAN JUST ENDING
THE INVESTIGATION.
HE TOLD THE HUFF PO I DONE KNOW HOW YOU CAN INDICT THE PRESIDENT
WILE HE IS IN OFFICE NO MATTER WHAT ST, EVEN IF HE SHOT JAMES
COMEY.
SO THERE ST. THE PRESIDENT CAN COMMIT ANY
CRIME HE WANTS.
HE'S A ONE-MAN PURGE.
WHICH WILL MAKE A GREAT NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN TRUMP 2020, I
COULD KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
BUT-- (APPLAUSE)
>> IT'S TRUE.
>> THESE HANDSES.
BUT GIULIANI SAYS NOT TO WORRY ADDING IF HE SHOT JAMES COMEY HE
WOULD BE IMPEACHED THE FEKS DAY.
OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
THAT WOULD REQUIRE HOUSE REPUBLICANS TO IMPEACH TRUMP AND
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A CLIP FROM THE FUTURE OF PAUL RYAN
RESPONDING TO TRUMP SHOOTING JAMES COMEY.
>> IT'S WHAT HE DOES.
WE KIND OF LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, JUST WHAT HE DOES.
AND-- I SPOKE-- IT'S NOT JUST THIS WHOLE, MY CLIENT IS OF
ABOUT THE LAW THING.
IT'S BEEN A TOUGH TIME ALL AROUND FOR THE FORMER MAYOR
RUDDY GIULIANI BECAUSE LAST WEEK HE CELEBRATED HIS BIRTHDAY
WATCHING HIS FAVORITE TEAM THE YANKEES AND THIS HAPPENED.
>> THE NEW YORK YANKEES-- MAYOR GIULIANI.
>> BOO!
>> Stephen: YOWCH.
I HAVE NOT SEEN NEW YORKERS THAT ANGRY SINCE ALL THE TIME.
(LAUGHTER) IT IS SHOCKING TO SEE RUDDY
GIULIANI BOOED IN A PLACE HE LOVES LIKE YANKEE STADIUM.
THAT'S LAKE TRUMP GETTING BOOED AT PORN BURGER.
(LAUGHTER) PORN BURGER, YOU KNOW THEIR
MOTTO, COME FOR THE BURGERS, COME FOR THE PORN.
BUT THEY'RE BOTH THAT GOOD.
BUT-- GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.
>> Jon: A FAMILY SHOW.
>> Stephen: BUT GIULIANI WAS ABLE TO PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON
THE WHOLE ORDEAL DAYING, I KNOW YANKEE FANS, THEY BOO YOU WHEN
THEY LOVE YOU.
OF COURSE.
IT'S LOVE JUST LIKE AT WEDDINGS THE PRIEST WILL SAY I NOW
PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE, YOU MAY BOO THE BRIDE.
AND LOOK HOW SAD RUDDY LOOKS AT THE VERY MOMENT THEY'RE BOOING
HIM.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE AN ACTUAL RECORDING OF THAT PHONE
CONVERSATION.
>> HELLO.
>> BOO!
BOO.
I LIKE THAT THE GUY CALLING HIM SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS FALLING OFF
A CLIFF WHILE HE BOOED HIM.
>> BOO.
>> IN OTHER LEGAL NEWS, IT'S A BAD DAY FOR GAY RIGHTS IN
AMERICA.
AND ALSO FOR CAKE RIGHTS.
CUZ THIS MORNING THE SUPREME COURT RULED IN FAVOR OF A
COLORADO BAKER WHO REFUSED TO BAKE A CAKE TO CELEBRATE THE
MARRIAGE OF A SAME-SEX COUPLE.
THAT IS TOUGH NEWS.
BUT TO LIGHTEN THE BLOW THE SUPREME COURT DID SEND THE GAY
COUPLE A LOVELY CAKE.
THE CASE CENTERED AROUND FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN BAKER
JACK PHILIPS SEEN HERE POSING FOR HIS STATUE IN THE MUSEUM OF
INTOLERANCE.
PHILIPS EVIDENTLY REFUSED TO BAKE A WEDDING CAKE FOR ANY GAY
COUPLES IN VIOLATION OF COLORADO'S CIVIL RIGHTS LAW BUT
THE SUPREME COURT FOUND THAT THE REASON AND MOTIVE FOR THE
BAKER'S REFUSAL WERE BASED ON HIS SINCERE RELIGIOUS BELIEFS
AND CONVICTIONS, YES, ALL RATE THERE IN THE GOES PESM I SAY TO
YOU LOVE YOUR ENEMIES AND PRAY FOR THOSE WHO PERSECUTE YOU BUT
IF I CATCH YOU FROSTING A GAY CAKE, YOU GO TO HELL.