(phone rings)
- Oh my god, Mark, is that you?
- It's me.
- Hey, what's up?
- Listen, I think I'm ready.
- Ready for what?
- I want to go on tour.
- Oh, you wanna go on a pizza tour?
Hang on, I got one tonight, I can
boot these two old ladies-- - No, listen, I'm looking to
get out of the city.
Scott, are you there?
- Yeah, I'm here, I'm just,
I've been waiting for this call my whole life, sorry.
- Okay, listen, we need a bigger car--
- Yeah, of course.
I'll do the car, I'll do the accommodations,
I'll plan the whole route.
There's a place in Maryland, I got a place in Maine.
Wanna do like
a two-week trip? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
One day, that's all you have.
Pick me up Saturday morning, drop me off Sunday morning.
- Short and sweet, no problem.
I'll be there at 6:00 a.m.
- Okay, thank you.
Six a-- (phone line hangs up) 6:00 a.m.?
- Don't mess this up, don't mess this up, don't mess this--
(upbeat music) - I'm Scott, and I eat
all kinds of pizza.
- And I'm Mark; I'm a pizza purist.
- So we're hitting the road to taste
the craziest concoctions claiming to be pizza,
(together) but are they really dough?
- Hey, Mark, can I carry your bag for you?
- I'm good.
- Call me Captain Scott.
- How 'bout not, Scott?
- Good rhyme!
We can make up rhymes the whole way down.
Yeah, you can sit in the back, that's cool!
- No, I put my bag back there.
- Okay, the front's cool, too.
- All right, all right, listen - Okay, I made a whole mix--
- Stop, just stop.
You need to calm down.
- Okay, no problem.
- Do you remember your first road trip?
- South Carolina, in the station wagon.
You know, with the backseat--
- You sat in the way back?
- In the way back, yeah.
- What about trucks?
- Yep, a lot of that. - Look at that,
yo, there's a truck right behind us!
- No, no no no, that's kind of weird,
like a grown man asking
a little boy-- - Listen, if you're not gonna
do it, then I'm gonna do it. - I'm not doing it.
You just need to keep your eyes on the road.
- You got three seconds, two, one--
- Are we ready? - Go for it!
- Beep the horn, beep the horn, he's not even looking at me.
- Yeah, well, you've gotta make,
you've gotta use your eyes - He didn't even look at me.
- Well, you know what, that's okay.
(knocking) - Now?
- No, don't knock!
Have you been to Baltimore before?
- Never been to Baltimore.
- We're gonna go to a pizza place in Baltimore
called Joe Squared.
It's square pizza cut into squares.
- So it's Sicilian?
- It's like a thin Sicilian, like grandma pizza.
You know Maryland is famous for crabs?
- Yes. - You knew that?
The pizza that I'm gonna take you for
is their crab pizza.
- That's kinda like a no-no.
- It is a weird pizza.
It's got red onion, it's got,
oh, it's got cheddar cheese on it.
- Oh boy.
Park right here in the lot.
- The executive spot is wide open.
Let's do this. - I'm starving.
(groans) - I know.
Made it to Baltimore!
- Easy drive, no big deal. - Yep.
Check it out.
- That's their coal.
- Yeah, it's their coal pile.
Look at this piece.
- Oh, that is cool.
Oh, let's see who can find the shinier piece!
Let's go inside, man!
- Gonna take it with you?
- Yeah.
I don't know if this is the same coal
that we have in New York.
- What do you mean, isn't coal coal?
- Nah, we use anthracite.
- Why do you know all this?
This is a cool place. - I got it from,
yeah, it's nice.
- You gonna put the order in? - Yeah.
- Are you gonna leave your coal with me to watch,
keep an eye on it? - Yeah yeah yeah,
do me a favor, count the crevices.
(creaking)
Joe!
- Hello!
- Where are you, Joe?
- Hello? - Oh, are you up--
- Hello?
- Hey, no, I'm-- - Hello?
Oh, hey, how's it going? - You're Joe?
- Yeah, nice to meet you! - Hey, I'm Scott!
- Pleasure!
- I'm so excited to meet you!
I ate here three or four years ago,
but you're still using the coal oven?
- Right here!
- Joe!
- This thing looks more like Sputnik than an oven.
- I'm the only person in the state of Maryland
that uses a straight coal-fired oven
that's not a gas back.
- Seriously?
Why is nobody else doing just coal?
- I don't know, it's kind of a pain.
- How hot do you get in there?
- 8-900 degrees on the floor,
1500-2000 coming off the dome. - Whoa!
Does that make a soft pizza,
or is it crunchy?
- Both, crunchy on the bottom, then soft in-between.
You cook it that fast, you're able to trap a lot of
moisture still in the crust.
That's why we serve them on screens,
so they don't get too soggy.
- That's awesome, that's wild.
- I mean, they get cold faster,
but I'd rather have a cold crisp pizza
than a hot soggy one.
- How many times a day do you have to
shovel new coal into this oven?
- Yep, I don't know, every 15-20 minutes or so.
- Dude, Scotty.
- I'm sorry, wait wait, this is my best friend Mark.
I'm also his best friend.
- Hi, nice to meet you! - Hi, Joe.
I'm really excited
to have this pizza, - Yeah, thank you very much!
- Nice meeting you.
- We borrowed this from your coal pile outside.
- That's all right. (laughs)
- So what is the difference between charcoal
and what you use?
- Well, charcoal's just burned wood.
This is anthracite, this is 92-98% pure carbon,
this is deep mine coal!
- So, - I can't take this,
- Nice meeting you. - I'll let you guys
talk about coal.
- We burn rocks!
- Mark and I have to try this crab pizza.
- Sure! Do you put Old Bay on it?
- No, our crab pizza is crab and egg yolk,
more like a Chinese hot pot style.
- So it's a twist on a Maryland traditional food?
I'll go hang out here,
- A couple crab pizzas, - You'll make me
a couple crabs? - Sure!
- Thank you! - Cool, thanks Joe!
Joe's making the pizza.
- Scott, you gotta be kidding me.
You couldn't let that guy cook,
you're back there talking about coal.
- Yeah, there's a lot to talk about.
- Like it's like your new best friend.
You're a pizza geek, now you're a coal geek.
You given it a name yet?
Nat King Coal, Old Man Coal, Coal Porter...
- I could tell Mark was being fussy,
so I let him get it out of his system
while I thought back to his pizza rules.
- Did you get a girlfriend yet?
When I walk into a pizzeria,
I want that smell to punch me in the face.
Pizza should be eaten with your hands,
never a fork and knife.
You should taste the town that the pizza came from.
Pizza dough should be made from flour, water, salt,
and yeast, nothing else.
A pizza should look as good as it tastes.
Scott, are you there?
- Ah, sorry, were you talking?
- Yes, - Ah, yeah, you were--
- Talking about your pet rock.
Have you given it a name yet?
- Coal is not a rock,
because coal is actually-- (laughs)
(train whistle blows)
- The coal is burning, the sun is shining,
and the chefs are hard at work at Joe Squared.
Here's Joe himself toiling away on crab pizzas.
What's that you're putting on, Joe?
- This is our version of white sauce: roasted garlic,
Parmesan, Romano, cream, and a little oil.
- Joe adds his blend of mozzarella and provolone,
along with julienned zucchini, red onion,
and the dish's namesake, crab.
Joe, will you be adding anything else?
- Egg.
- Got it.
After adding a bit of cheddar cheese,
the pizza is whisked into the oven for a brisk 45 seconds,
letting all that American coal work its magic.
Now there are some like smarty Scotty and mulish Mark
who would question if this was pizza at all.
What would you say to them, Joe?
- I mean, I consider everything a pizza! (laughs)
- That's wonderful-- - I consider
an open-faced sandwich a pizza! (laughs)
- Good for you!
- I'm equal opportunity when it comes to pizzas.
- Atta boy! - I'm far from a purist.
- Well anyway, the pizza's finally ready to eat,
hot out of the oven.
- I'm gonna bring this out to Mark and Scott,
I hope they think it's a pizza.
- Way to go, Joe!
- Was it Mark and Scott? (laughs)
- If it was 1.8 million years ago,
this would be dinosaur food.
Crazy, right? Bones, shells, dirt--
- Now you're a geologist.
Joe, hey! - Pizza?
- Here we go.
- Dude, look at this.
- What do we have here?
- It's roasted garlic sauce, mozzarella, provolone,
zucchini, red onions, crab, cheddar, and egg yolk.
- Look at this, one egg yolk in one little corner slice.
- Are we supposed to break and like
smear it all over? - Yeah, smear it over,
that's right.
- I might roll it up.
- Make a burrito.
- Like a Stromboli.
- Yes, a Stromboli, yeah. (laughs)
- What kind of dough is this?
- Sourdough.
- Sourdough!
- Is there any cheese on this?
- Well, yeah, mozzarella, provolone, and cheddar.
- What kind of sauce?
- Roasted garlic sauce.
- Oh, okay. - Is it blue corn?
- Uh-huh, yeah, yeah-- - Do they steam it?
- Yeah, yeah, they steam it, sure.
- All right.
- This thing bakes so fast, like, 45 seconds or whatever--
- Wait a minute, 45 seconds?
- 45 seconds. - Then why'd it take so long
for the pizza to come out?
- Because the orders-- - Because you were talking
about coal.
- Takes longer than 45 seconds to make.
- I think we gotta dig into this thing.
- Yes.
- I'd better get back to work, enjoy, thank you very much!
- Thanks so much, Joe! - Thank you, thank you.
- What do you expect this to taste like?
- I don't know what to expect right now.
- It's a little bonkers,
there's a lot going on. - Yeah there's a lot going on.
Ready?
- All right, let's dig in.
(chewing)
The red onion!
- It's what I expected.
This is amazing.
Beautiful crust.
What does the crust remind you, bite into the crust.
- Ritz?
- Ritz cracker. - Ritz cracker.
I get the, kind of the sourdough.
Look at this, look how beautiful it is.
Do you want some?
- No, I have my own.
- Sure, crab's in there,
but I think the red onion is the flavor sensation.
- Have you ever gone crabbing?
- I actually have gone crabbing.
I went with my friend Jeff and his parents,
dropped the trap in, and that was about it.
Have you been crabbing more successfully?
- Yes.
I almost got shot.
I saw this thing floating in the water,
I didn't know what it was.
So I started pulling it up, and at the other end of that
there was a rope attached to a crab net.
- It was somebody's old crab net.
- And they came out on the water,
on a jet ski with a shotgun strapped to their back.
- What'd you do?
- I says I'd never seen a crab net before.
- No big deal.
- Have you ever had crabs?
- (laughs) I don't think we need to go there.
Okay, here we have it.
We've eaten the pizza--
- I love it.
- But, is it a pizza?
- (laughs) I don't know, Scott.
- Have you ever walked into a pizzeria in Brooklyn
and seen something that looks like this
that calls itself pizza?
- Well, it looks like a mini grandma pie,
well, with crabs on it.
- Have you ever had a grandma with a cream sauce?
- No.
- Well, the egg yolk is kind of like,
almost a sauce replacement, right?
If I put an egg on a grandma pizza, it's still a pizza.
- I mean, it's not one of my traditional toppings, but--
- Cheddar. Is that a pizza cheese?
- No.
- It's not at all?
- But it's a cheese.
- It is a cheese, for sure.
So, could this-- - I think it's a pizza.
- This is a pizza?
- Yes. - Confirmed, 100%?
- Why are you in such shock?
- I'm in shock because I feel like--
- It has sauce, it has cheese, it has dough.
- Yeah? - Sauce, cheese, dough: pizza.
- I thought you would have said, "I love it,"
and then you would have looked into nowhere and just said,
"But it's not a pizza."
- No, but I mean you brought me poke
and said that was a pizza.
- Back in those days,
you were like, "no," you were the no man.
Now you're yes man. - No, that's not true.
- You just no'd me right now.
- That's it, I'm out.
- No no no, we're all good.
Hey, how 'bout this?
Let's finish up, clean up after ourselves,
hit the road, next stop Philly, City of Brotherly Love.
- Get the check.
Just try not to talk so much to the pizza guy.
- What do you mean,
tell me not to talk so much-- - Because I get hungry,
and it's like I'm sitting there waiting and waiting
and waiting and you're in the kitchen talking to the guy.
- Watch out, there's a-- - Hello?
- It's Joe?
- Original pizza ovens in America were all anthracite,
I just assume that's because anthracite must have been
cheaper-- - Coal could get wet, right?
- Afford the price of wood in the cities.
- Uh-huh, was that what it was?
- That's why it was like-- - I figured.
- Newhaven had it, Philly had it--
- Could it get wet?
- What's that?
- On the road again.
Going to Philadelphia!
Mark, I don't want to alarm you,
but we have the opportunity--
- Yeah well all you gotta do-- - to get some sweet sweet
honks.
- Just slow down.
- I'm driving the speed limit.
- I know, like go really slow, so he just beeps at you.
- Oh, no no no no! In my car--
Oh, he's going on the left!
He's going on the left! - I do gotta get him,
you get him to honk.
- I can't do it, I have to pay attention to the road.
- No, he's, okay, he's not looking.
Start to sway back and forth-- - Get the guy on the right!
Get the guy on the right!
- No!
(car honks)
- Yes! We got it! - Yes, we got it! Yeah!
- Thanks for watching Really Dough.
And don't forget to check out all the other episodes
on Thrillist, right, Mark?
- And don't forget to like, comment, and share.
- All three things.
- And subscribe.
I thought you were going to say, "and subscribe."
- I should have.