Hey, this is Mark Rosenfeld, Australia's dating coach. And today, I'm telling you about the
seven standards that make great men chase you. This is absolutely one of my favorite
pieces of content. And, you know, I did a live stream on this not too long ago, and
you said you absolutely loved it. So I wanted to do a really short version for you, right?
I can tell you what these seven standards are and why they don't just have great guys
chasing you, but they have great guys continuing to chase you to build a fantastic, fulfilling,
empowering relationship with you. See, when I first started coaching clients close to
five years ago, I'd have them write out what they were looking for in a man. You know,
they'd write these big, long lists of physical traits, emotional traits, communication traits,
and there's nothing inherently wrong with that exercise.
The problem was these clients were feeling overwhelmed. It was a big list of 50 things.
You know, I was writing these lists for myself, and I realized I am my clients. We weren't
remembering our lists. We didn't really have them in mind. They were a nice idea, but they
weren't really getting the job done. And then, you know, I started talking to people, women
in great relationships already. And so many of them didn't have these big lists. You know,
they weren't approaching dating with this giant list of a hundred things that, that
wasn't how they were going about it. And the more I talk to people in great relationships
and even met great people in my own life, the more I realized that there's actually
just a few select traits, that good relationships that people in great relationships are qualifying
their partners on, that make for fantastic empowering relationships.
So I took some of the best of my own, took some of the best from clients and women I
interviewed. And really it came down to literally just seven traits, just seven traits that
these women were qualifying men on to get, attract, have great relationships in their
life. So let's get into the traits. What are the seven traits and why are they so important
to attract a fulfilling relationship? Number one is masculine-feminine balance. Now, I
cannot even begin to describe how important this is. If someone can't access their masculine,
that person's going to show erratic behavior. That person is going to show impulsive behavior.
That person is going to be insecure. They're going to have all sorts of problems in a relationship.
And if someone doesn't have access to their own healthy feminine, that man, or even that
person is going to struggle to empathize, they're going to struggle to be in the moment
with you. They won't be able to be present. They won't be able to connect. You're gonna have all
sorts of problems. If either partner is lacking access to either of the healthy energies.
There's this myth that the woman should have all feminine and the man should have all masculine
and the two will compliment each other. But if someone, if a man doesn't have his feminine
and a woman doesn't have her masculine, then each partner becomes dependent on the other
for that energy. That's the definition of dependency, of codependency right there.
So even though a man will typically have more access to his masculine and spend more time
in it, you'll have more access to your feminine and spend more time in it, thus polarization,
you still want to have access to the healthy opposite energy because that's what creates
a balanced, healthy relationship between two healthy individuals.
Number two, the second standard is he meets all of his psychological needs in healthy
ways. Okay, so all humans have psychological needs. Things like affection, belonging, connection,
love, safety, attention, significance, importance, even rebelliousness. These are needs that
often get shamed, but we all have them. Let's be honest, we all need attention. We all need
to feel significant in our life. We all need to feel important in some way. We all need
to have a sense of rebelliousness sometimes - whatever that means to us. So every human
has these psychological needs. And one of the things you have to understand about humans
is that if we're not getting our psychological needs met in a healthy way, eventually we
will find an unhealthy way to do this. And, you know, I worked with quite a few clients
who prioritize their work, you know, very strong, successful, independent women, but
they prioritize their work for so long and sacrifice, loving connection as a result that
eventually, they find themselves doing things that they deem immoral and unhealthy to get
that love and connection. For example, I have one client who slept with a man that she really
didn't want to sleep with. And that she felt immoral about. Another, that many years ago,
found herself with a married man, and they hate themselves for them, and they say, "Oh,
you know, how could I've taken this immoral action?" And I say, well, you denied your
psychological needs in a healthy way for so long that eventually, you found an unhealthy
way to get them. That's what being human is. So when you're looking for a man who's capable
of a great relationship, you want to look for a guy that gets these psychological needs
met in healthy social ways. If you see a man who's getting his psychological needs met
in unhealthy antisocial ways, it's going to cause big problems and take away from any
real chance of a healthy, empowering relationship.
Number three is great sex. So this is such an important one. And it's a very simple one.
I love Mark Manson's quote on this one. He says, "When sex is working, it's 20% of a
good relationship. And when sex isn't working, it's 100% of a bad one." In other words, sex
can't make the relationship on its own, but it can certainly break it. I've been in this
position. I've been in a relationship where the sex wasn't working, and I can absolutely
back this up sexual chemistry, compatibility, the sexual component is a vital part. And
that's why it's one of the seven for creating a healthy, empowering, romantic relationship.
Number four, does what he says and says what he does. Now, you may or may not have seen
it. If you haven't watched it, it's a good watch when a dating coach gets ghosted. It's
a story that I posted a little while back about when I got ghosted and experience I
had in my own love life.
And you know, the biggest takeaway that I took from that and the reason I'm so grateful
that that woman goes to me and the experience I had is because I never again forgot about
this standard. Standard number four of the seven, does what he says, says what he does
or in my case, does what she says, says what she does. When you really hold this standard
high, you remove impulsive people from your life. You remove people who can't be relied
on. You remove people who are inconsistent and unbalanced. And all of these things are
things you want to shift out to leave what's left is the person, are the people who are
capable of a great relationship. Being able to qualify someone on this is huge. And you,
if you commit to someone who doesn't do what they say, say what they do, or at least doesn't
make a massive apology on the occasion where they don't, you're setting yourself up for
an anxiety-ridden relationship that will erode your self esteem.
Number five is healthy priority balance. So we all want someone who has their own stuff
going on. And we also want someone who can give us that valuable time and attention.
A healthy priority balance and qualifying men on a healthy priority balance means the
guy has both! So he can prioritize you, he can give you that time, give you that presence,
give you that connection, and then also tell you when it's not your time, when he has to
focus on his friends or his work or his hobbies. Healthy priority balanced simply means you're
looking for someone who can prioritize you at certain times and de-prioritize you at
other times. Number six is understands healthy boundaries and personal responsibility. Now,
I won't hop on about this one because I've done a couple of recent videos on boundaries.
So have a look at them. If you want to learn more about the specifics of boundaries, but
boundary function and personal responsibility is basically the skill of a healthy relationship.
So knowing what you're responsible for and finding a man who knows what he's responsible
for and what he's not. Having someone who can tell you no, who can tell you yes, having
someone who can hear your no and hear your yes, someone who understands that they're
ultimately responsible for their own feelings and makes you ultimately responsible for yours
while working with you and communicating with you through that, to find the win-win for
both parties, someone who doesn't play the victim, who takes responsibility in their
life. If you can qualify a man on his ability to understand both boundaries and personal
responsibility, you have someone there with massive empowering relationship potential.
And number seven, how he treats you when he's at his worst. This was a, this was a huge
penny drop moment for me when I realized how important this standard was. And it's one
of the best standards, one of my real favorites, because it takes a long time to come out,
right? When you're qualifying a man, or I'm qualifying a woman on how that person treats us when
they're at their worst, it's going to take some time, right? To see someone at their
worst, that stuff doesn't happen on the first three dates. So you're qualifying time gets
drawn out, and you're still waiting to see someone if a person's relationship capable,
even if the connection is great. You're still pondering. You're still going okay, "Well,
how does this person act under massive stress when life's not going well, when they're on
their worst day of the week?" Cause let me tell you if a guy's a great guy, six days
of the week, and then abusive one day of the week, pow pow! Shit partner. This is one of
my favorite qualifiers. And when you really look at how someone treats you, when they're
at their worst, when they treat you the best, that's just the cherry on top.
When they, how they treat you at their worst, that is, that is the cupcake. That is the
muffin. That is the entire cake of the quality of the ending relationship. You ask any longterm
couple. And they will say what really defined us was our worst moments and how we coped
with that, not our best moments. So those are the seven. Those are literally the seven
standards. You can throw at everything else. Just qualify men on those seven standards,
and I promise not only will great relationship capable men chase you, they will continue
to chase you once they're in the relationship with you and create an empowering, fulfilling
relationship the whole way along. Now, I know what you're probably thinking. You're probably
thinking, "Well, Mark, you left out some of the stuff that I love. You left out physical
attraction. You left out connection. You left out monogamy.
You left out that he's healthy and into fitness," whatever! You're not going to forget that
stuff. Okay, the problem with the big lists is you're not thinking about that when you're
on a date and if you tick boxing, it's just weird. The actual stuff that it's important
to you, that's important to you, physical attraction, connection, you're not going to
forget any of that. It's the seven that gets forgotten. And to finish up, there's a couple
of other things I want to mention just because they're not one of the seven, but they are
important to think about. The first one is awareness of where he lacks in the seven and
his ability to action on it. Okay, so no one's perfect. It's important to remember that.
And even though this isn't one of the seven traits, someone who can acknowledge where,
"Oh my boundaries, maybe aren't great in that area," or "Oh, you know, sometimes, I need
to be more consistent doing what I'm saying, saying what I do"
No one's perfect, but if you find a man who can acknowledge his weak areas and, and action
on those weak areas, that's a really good sign as well. Uh, number two is you can't
forget about practical incompatibilities. So sometimes, you know, whether it's kids,
one wanting kids, one not, different religions, different living locations. You can both have
the seven traits, but if you have practical incompatibilities, that's still gonna push
you apart. And the third is consistency. If I had to say one thing, that's really important.
And the reason that the guy will continue to chase, great guys will continue to chase
you for the seven and you'll have great relationships as a result is because it's not just a box
you tick once. You do these things consistently, you're constantly qualifying. Does he continue
to do what he say, say what he does? Does he continue to have good personal responsibility
and boundaries?
Does he continue to have a good balance in his energies? And this is the difference between
the list, which becomes more of like a tick box thing. And the seven, the seven is something
you qualify men on over and over again. That's why they continue to chase. That's why these
standards are so important because they don't end, and men for a lifetime, want to qualify
to meet those standards. And that's the video. I hope you enjoyed. Throw out your list, just
focus on the seven with those couple of caveats at the end, and you will attract great relationships
in the future with men who chase you for them. Thank you so much for watching! Don't forget
to hit the subscribe button with the little bell as well. Hit the bell, so you get the
notifications and the thumbs up, and until the next video, empower yourself through growth,
self esteem and authenticity, and I will see you very soon.