'Let's slice the dirty little bastard in two.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
We sort of feel obligated to do this week’s film this year, because...
Made in 1983 but set in 2019, in a world...
‘Inhabited by humans devoid of all hope for a future’
Boy, they nailed it. In this future its America against pretty much everyone.
‘The powerful Euro-Afro-Asian unity who pressed the fatal button’
and the resultant nuclear winter means that...
‘For nearly 15 years now not 1 human child has been born’
And maverick trumpeters roam the streets providing incidental score.
#Tumpet music#
In the cities, the Eurac forces take out the remaining citizens.
While elsewhere...
I don’t know why movies always assume that in the event of an apocalypse,
everyone will head for the nearest garage to A-Team the donk out of their car.
Victor of the death race is post-apocalyptic stereotype…
and winner of the Italian Tom Cruise-alike competition, Parsifal,
'To victor long life and happiness.'
and he collects his prize
‘My name is flower, I hope to share your life.'
I understand that internet dating is likely a thing of the past but 4 people died during this race.
But as Parsifal leaves...
He is brought before the commander of the United States resistance,
who didn’t put much thought into their name.
‘And so is the Pan-American Confederacy’
The President has brought him here because...
‘There’s a fertile woman hidden in New York’
The last fertile woman in the world and it’s Parsifal’s job to go claim her for America.
‘You are the only man capable of carrying out this missions successfully’
We’ve done the maths and it turns out you’re the coolest man alive.
‘You are the greatest’
What a guy. Ace Parsifal and his team head for New York.
#Tumpet Music#
The trumpeter’s still weird.
They quickly find people and…
Women are always falling in love with him like this, in fact when they’re arrested...
Even his torturer can’t resist Parsifal, it’s called Captain Kirk syndrome.
Despite this...
‘Why are you here?’
‘To find a woman’
He answers her questions, while his friend...
‘Tell us all about your mission for the Pan-American Confederacy’
Is tortured but doesn’t talk
‘We have ways of making you talk’
Some of you will be easier than others.
Naturally Parsifal escapes with the girl and one of his friends.
Rubbish guards, or just too cool to be captured?
And he gets his reward.
‘If love had any meaning in this world, you’d be the one I’d love’
With the help of a new guide...
‘What’s your name?’
‘Shortie, what else?’
The search continues.
‘There’s something weird about this.’
You think?
Yeah, ok, weird.
This introduces new gang member Big Ape.
‘They’ve been combing the city for you guys like you was a bunch of bananas’
And together find the woman for whom they have been searching...
Look at that; it’s a post-apocalyptic sci-fi Sleeping Beauty.
‘She’s the professor’s child. He knew what would happen to women exposed to radiation so he hibernated her’
Which will have protected her from the radiation in no way.
‘So what?’
While the others are out getting Shortie killed.
‘Stupid Bastards!’
Big Ape has plans of his own.
‘You’ll make me immortal, by carrying my seed’
Well, that is all kinds of troubling, but more troubling is Parsifal’s reaction.
‘I just hope his seed’s as fertile as he boasted it was’
Can’t make an omelette without raping eggs.
‘But you gave me back an older feeling... hope’
Now we’ve done a couple of this type of film before, notably Escape from the Bronx,
'The Brox will be back in the hands of the gangs.'
and I hate them for 2 reasons…
firstly, they are just a series of fight scenes...
linked by a series of chase scenes,
no more. Secondly, me and early 80s Italian filmmakers have very different ideas about what a hero is.
‘I don’t have time to jaw with anyone who won’t identify himself’
I could not hate Parsifal more,
and the fact that his disdainful, rape-enabling attitude is presented as cool is infuriating.
‘You’re too much master and you’re going to make great love’
At the end as they rocket off to a new planet, we learn that thanks to Sleeping Beauty,
Parsifal will join Big Ape as one of the fathers of humanity’s new colony.
‘You and the others will remove the eggs as she ovulates and you fertilize them on the glass.’
'And the human race should be saved,'
There’s a bright future for 2020.
'I want you to promise when you leave here, you will put me in your suitcase.'
Thanks for watching. For more 80s action reviews click here.
2019 doesn’t look quite like this – what other scifi movies have got the future disturbingly right? Or wrong?
Let us know in the comments below.
'One fertile woman is not enough to recreate the whole human race.'