There's just too much news.
Thankfully, though, too much news
is just the right amount of news for a segment we call
Ain't Nobody Got Time for That.
-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)
Let's kick off with some news from the World Cup.
Today, Argentina and Lionel Messi suffered
a shock defeat to Croatia and some Dudovic.
But... But that wasn't even
today's craziest news out of Russia.
Burger King is apologizing to its customers in Russia
for some offensive ads that were aimed towards women.
Burger King Russia offered women a chance to win $47,000
in free Whoppers for life
if they got pregnant by a World Cup soccer player.
MALE TV REPORTER: The prize was offered to women who would get,
"the best football genes," and "ensure the success
of the Russian team for generations to come."
This would be a great excuse
for any woman who gets caught cheating
during the World Cup with a soccer player.
She could be like, (Russian accent): "No, honey.
You think I wanted to make sex with Ronaldo?
No. I did it for free burgers for us."
(normal voice): It's like, making babies
for the future World Cup?
Like, I can imagine when these soccer babies
are born and the doctor spanks them,
the baby immediately falls to the floor.
Just like, (crying).
(continues crying)
This is such a-- it's such a weird story.
But we really don't have the time for it,
because, uh, remember the Charlottesville Nazis?
Well, they're back.
Yes. The organizers of the Charlottesville rally
have just announced that they'll be hosting
a march in D.C. for white civil rights.
Yeah, that's right.
They're demanding better treatment
for white people in America.
Which, I'm just gonna put it out there, is gonna make this
the most successful protest march in history.
It's gonna be like, "We demand civil ri--
"Oh, hey, we got them. All right, good march, everyone.
"Yeah. We got it. We got it already.
"White power. We'll see you guys next time.
Have a good one."
(cheering and applause)
Now, look, I don't have time for Nazis, so let's move on,
because there's a wardrobe malfunction
that's blowing up the news.
TV REPORTER: Breaking news, Melania Trump making
a surprise visit to children at the border,
but did she hurt the message she was trying to send
with an unfortunate wardrobe choice?
The first lady wearing a jacket bearing the words,
"I really don't care, do you?"
Wow.
"I really don't care, do you?"
Wow.
Looks like when Melania was in the hospital
she had her last (bleep) removed.
(whooping)
Although, although, it is kind of sweet
that she made a jacket out of her and Donald's wedding vows.
That's really cool.
I like that. Aw.
(cheering and applause)
Now, look, we could spend forever talking about
how out of touch this makes Melania seem,
but I don't really care, do you?
Plus, we don't have time to talk about fashion faux pas,
because there's been another shooting in America.
But a strange story involving the Phanatic,
a hot dog and a head injury.
TV REPORTER: On Monday night, the Phillie Phanatic
started firing hot dogs, real hot dogs, into the stands,
and one landed squarely between McVay's eyes.
And then, the next thing I know,
he shot it in our direction, and bam--
it, like, hit me like a-a ton of bricks.
TV REPORTER: Kathy McVay loves the Phillies
and doesn't plan to take legal action and, yes,
she does understand if her story gets a few laughs.
It gives people a good laugh
and if that makes somebody chuckle, then that's fine.
Oh, man.
-That's so cool. -(applause)
Like...
I'm really glad that she's not badly hurt
and that she's being a really good sport about this
because we do want to make jokes.
Uh, first of all, America is rock and roll.
You guys will shoot anything-- hot dogs, T-shirts, cash.
When you get shot in America, it could mean anything.
You could be like, "Oh, no, I've been shot.
With a puppy. Yay."
Oh, and by the way,
it's probably smart that she's not suing, right,
because the Phillie mascot's name is literally the Phanatic.
Yeah. Who knows how far he'll go.
He might be, like, "She's suing?
Well, I guess I have no choice but to finish the job."
And I know some people are probably saying right now,
"She's so unlucky to be shot in the face with a hot dog."
But there's probably some people in Africa going,
"She's so lucky to be shot in the face with a hot dog."