Today, we're talking about how to get closure after a breakup, but first, my name is Clay
with ModernLove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship that you're
looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to get, and without
having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not. If you like what we're doing
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of your time and it does help us out a lot. If you do get value from these videos, please
help me out by hitting that thumbs up button. All right. This weekend ... Let me just take
a step back. As you may or may not know, we just moved to a new house in a small town
in Washington state, and we're heading back to our old place in the city, Seattle, this
weekend to do some last minute cleaning up and take all the final little things with
us and then just close up that Seattle chapter of our life in a nice little bow. Then we'll
be officially 100% here, no emotional strings of connection to that other previous place.
Because we're doing this, I'm thinking a lot about closing chapters of your life and letting
the past be complete. Now, I know that a lot of times people will
come to this channel and find my videos because they're going through a breakup and many of
those people want to save their relationship and work things out with their partner. Whether
or not that's you, or whether or not you are here for some other reason, or whether or
not you're wanting to date someone new and start a new relationship, that is all something
that it is important to do after you can gain a sense of completeness and closure with the
past. Even if you want to get back together with the same person and work things out,
it's important to recognize that the past is the past. Whatever was in the past is complete.
We're not trying to necessarily go back in time to revive some old relationships that
we can just step back into it. Obviously, that's not a great idea, because obviously
the previous relationship didn't work for whatever reason.
What we want to do is we want to be able to create something new, something that's different,
something that we can intentionally step into, even if that's what the same person. What
we have to do is we have to gain a sense of completeness with the past, a sense of closure,
if you will. Obviously, people who are going through a breakup and want to move forward
and date other people, it's a very common thing for people to want to find closure in
some capacity or other. Closure isn't just something that you can get by finding your
ex and talking to them and getting them to answer all of your questions about why they
broke up, why they wanted to leave, why they weren't willing to work on things, why they
did what they did, why they said what they said, why they didn't do what they didn't
do, and all that stuff. Closure is actually something that comes from
within you. It's not something that someone else can give you, because oftentimes people
don't even know why they do what they do. Oftentimes, their reasons for doing it have
very little to do with you and more to do with their own intentions and their own agenda
and getting their own needs met. Closure isn't something that you want to necessarily go
out of your way to find from someone else. Sure, if they're willing to engage in a conversation
with you and you really just want to satisfy that curiosity, sure, you can go ahead and
talk to them, but first and foremost, closure has to be something that comes from you, and
that's how you choose to contextualize what happened or didn't happen between the two
of you, okay? We can look at a breakup that happened, maybe
there was a breakup that happened and you didn't see it coming, that's what we call
blindside breakup. You were just blindsided by this breakup out of nowhere, everything
seemed great and wonderful i your relationship, and then just one day, out of the blue, "Hey,
I think we should break up." You don't know what happened. It's understandable that you
want to make sense about what happened in that situation and you want to start to understand
why whatever happened, happened. However, that's not necessarily going to serve you.
For example, if you're not able to actually communicate with your ex or with your partner
who broke up with you out of the blue, it's not like they are withholding the closure,
it's not like they're withholding the completeness of the relationship. What you can do instead
is you can generate your own sense of closure, your own sense of completeness, by looking
at what happened and by saying, "Okay, what can I learn from this experience? What can
I learn that I can carry with me as something beneficial moving forward that could benefit
me in maybe my next relationship or maybe in some other area of my life?"
What you can do is you can start to gain lessons, even when you don't have this other person
telling you, "Well, yeah. This is what happened. This is why I did what I did. This is why
I didn't do what I didn't do." But you can say, "Okay, maybe you broke up with me out
of the blue and that shows me that, okay, communication is actually something that's
really more important to me than I thought it was." Maybe having a clear channel of communication,
maybe being with a partner who communicates things clearly, maybe being with a partner
who is able to cooperate with someone rather than just making up their mind about something
on their own and then just, boom, we're going to break up. You're not part of the conversation,
you're not part of this dialogue here. That can be something that can help to inform
you in terms of what you need to do moving forward and how you can start to see that.
It's like, "Okay, great. I had this relationship, it didn't work out. Maybe I don't even know
the specific reasons why, but I do know that the person that ended this relationship out
of the blue in this totally hypothetical situation did so because they were not good at communicating
what they wanted. They were not willing to cooperate and they just decided to act unilaterally,"
and maybe that's something that you need to start to evaluate whether that's what you
want in a future relationship. Is that what you want in a partner? Probably not.
You probably want to have a partner who is going to consider you and going to involve
you in the conversation about whether or not there's something wrong with your relationship,
whether or not there are concerns that they have, whether or not there are things that
they're considering that aren't working in their relationship. You probably want to have
a partner who is open to discussing these sorts of things with you. At least I could
imagine that would be a good relationship success trait to have in place.
That is an example of some degree of closure. It's like, "Okay, I thought they were this
great, wonderful person and I thought they were this kind, loving, compassionate person,
I thought we had this great relationship, but because I didn't screen for someone who's
willing to cooperate and someone who's willing to actually talk things out with me, I ended
up in this situation where they left for whatever reason they might leave for." I've been in
situations where there have been these unanswered relationship questions before in the past
too, as well too. As you know, me and my big ex, who I broke
up with and got back together a few different times, the final time that we did break up,
when we realized we have different values and just parted ways, I think it was maybe
about two months or so after we broke up and we hadn't spoken since then, she started calling
me and left several voice messages on my phone when I would not answer. I never listened
to the messages. I don't know what she said. I don't know if it was some big emotional
vent about how I'm a terrible person, or maybe she was trying to patch things up, I don't
know, but that's not necessarily something that I need to go sniffing around because
it's inconsequential. We had different values, we want different things in life. Even if
the two of us had the opportunity to work things out and get back together, it's not
as if it would allow us to actually have a great relationship, because due to our different
values, in order for us to be together, at least one of us has to be unhappy.
Going back to our hypothetical situation where your partner breaks up with you out of the
blue, if you want to have a relationship with someone who's going to work cooperatively
with you as a team, and this person is not willing to do that when they have concerns
or something like that, then that might just be a disqualifier right there. Even if it
was possible for you to understand why they broke up with you, understand why things didn't
work out, understand why they chose to leave without really talking to you, even if it
was possible, through their actions, they have demonstrated to you that they are probably
someone who isn't necessarily willing to involve you in the conversation and have a cooperative
dialogue about something that apparently isn't working in your relationship.
So even if it was possible for you to know all of this stuff or to work things out with
them or something like that, is that really the kind of relationship that you want to
be in? Again, I can't answer this question. Maybe it's okay for you, maybe it's not okay
for you, but this is an important piece of feedback to take from this experience and
to use it as feedback for you moving forward. Again, the story that you create about your
relationship or your breakup is something that has to come from you and how you're choosing
to contextualize what's happening or what has happened between you and your partner
or you and whatever happened in the past. It's only through contextualizing that in
a way where you can learn something from it, where you can take something from it and use
it to propel you forward in some capacity, that you can gain a sense of completeness
with the past. You don't necessarily have to know everything.
You don't have to know what was on those voice messages or why someone never followed up
with you after a great date or whatever it might be. You don't necessarily need to know
this, but if you can take a contextualized meaning from it that you choose and then take
that moving forward to help you make better decisions, that way you can start to create
more space and gain closure with the past so that you can have the space to create something
that you truly want in the future, that isn't shrouded by all the heaviness or uncertainty
or unresolved things from the past. That is the value of becoming complete with your past.
Now, with that being said, I hope you all have a great weekend. We're going to be heading
back into the city to tidy up some things and then I will be completely at closure with
my time in Seattle and I'll be here in our small little town by the sea full-time, and
hopefully be able to emotionally be more present here because I have that sense of closure
with the past. Anyway, thank you so much for watching this video. If you do want to learn
more about how to gain a sense of emotional freedom from your breakup, whether you are
trying to get back together with your ex or trying to move on forward, we do have our
course called The Compatibility Code, currently, though I'm heavily considering changing the
name to Emotional Freedom, but you can find that down in the description box below. It
can help you gain this sense of closure and completeness with your past so that you can
create a compelling future for yourself. Feel free to check it out, if it's something you're
interested in, down below in the description box.
But thank you so much for watching this video. If you like what we're doing, hit that thumbs
up button. If you want to learn more about how to get past a breakup, we do have this
video series over here, or you might want to check out this video right here. Thank
you so much. Please take care, have a great weekend. I'll talk to you next time.