WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW"."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HOW ARE YOU?
IS EVERYBODY OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S HEARTENING TO HEAR
BECAUSE THINGS AREN'T GOING THAT GREAT.
EVERY DAY, THERE IS ANOTHER SHOCKING REVELATION OF SEXUAL
MISCONDUCT.
IF ALLEGATIONS OF HARASSMENT WERE WEATHER, THIS IS HURRICANE
SEASON RIGHT NOW.
AND SOME TOWERING FIGURES HAVE BEEN BLOWN OVER RECENTLY.
IN FACT< YESTERDAY, IT WAS CHARLIE ROSE.
EIGHT WOMEN HAVE ACCUSED CHARLIE ROSE OF SEXUALLY HARASSING THEM
WITH NUDITY, GROPING, AND LEWD CALLS.
HIS SHOW WAS DROPPED BY PBS, AND CBS FIRED HIM BECAUSE THESE
ALLEGATIONS ARE DISTURBING AND STRANGE.
ON THE MILDER SIDE OF THE SPECTRUM, ROSE
FREQUENTLY GAVE UNSOLICITED SHOULDER RUBS TO SEVERAL YOUNG
FEMALE ASSOCIATES, BEHAVIOR REFERRED TO AMONG EMPLOYEES AS
"THE CRUSTY PAW."
( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU MAY MAKE THREE WISHES
UPON THE ACCURSED PAW, ALL OF WHICH ARE TO NOT GET A BACK RUB
FROM CHARLIE ROSE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, ALL OF THE ALLEGATIONS
STEM FROM HIS SHOW ON PBS.
IT IS THE WORST SCANDAL IN PUBLIC BROADCASTING SINCE IT WAS
REVEALED PBS IS SHORT FOR PUBES.
( LAUGHTER ) DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
>> Jon: OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, EITHER.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT AT ALL.
IS THAT TRUE?
THEY'RE TELLING ME THAT'S TRUE.
I THOUGHT WE MADE UP THAT, BUT HE'S SAYING THAT'S TRUE, THANK
YOU.
>> HE PROPOSED AFTER APPLYING FOR A JOB ON THE
"CHARLIE ROSE" SHOW, ONE WOMAN WAS INVITED TO ROSE'S BEACH
THEY WATCH A DVD OF ONE OF HIS SHOWSES.
WHAT IS IT WITH THE ROBES?
FIRST COSBY, THEN WEINSTEIN NOW, CHARLIE ROSE.
WHO'S NEXT?
YODA?
"MMM, TENSE YOU SEEM.
SHOULDERS I WILL RUB.
REPORTED TO H.R. I AM."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS REALLY JUST-- IT'S A
HARROWING AND TERRIBLE ABUSE OF POWER AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THESE
WOMEN AND THEIR CAREERS IS HORRIFYING.
ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY I'M NOT SURPRISED.
I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED TO THE LYRICS OF THE "CHARLIE
ROSE" THEME SONG?
♪ HERE COMES CHARLIE OH, NO
♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: AND IT SEEMS--
THEY RARELY RAN WITH THE LYRICS, RARELY.
IF ALL THE SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS COMING OUT OF THE
ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY OR NEWS AGENCY HAVE GOT YOU DOWN, YOU
CAN TAKE A BREAK AND DISTRACT YOURSELF WITH THE SEXUAL ASSAULT
ALLEGATIONS COMING OUT OF WASHINGTON.
THE LATEST REVELATIONS ARE ABOUT MICHIGAN REPRESENTATIVE AND
GERIATRIC LANDO CALRISSIAN, JOHN CONYERS.
ACCORDING TO A RECENT REPORT, IN 2015, CONYERS SETTLED WITH A
FORMER STAFF MEMBER WHO ALLEGED SHE WAS FIRED BECAUSE SHE WOULD
NOT SUCCUMB TO HIS SEXUAL ADVANCES.
QUICK TIP FELLAS: IF YOUR SEXUAL ADVANCES REQUIRE THAT A WOMAN
SUCCUMB, DON'T DO IT!
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S A REASON WHY THE MOVIE
WASN'T "WHEN SALLY SUCCUMBED TO HARRY."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, NORMALLY, THESE SETTLEMENTS
ARE PAID OUT OF A SPECIAL FUND FROM THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT,
BUT IN THIS CASE, THE SETTLEMENT OF $27,000 CAME FROM CONYERS'S
OWN OFFICE BUDGET.
SO BAD NEWS IS NO OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
GOOD NEWS IS NO OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY THIS YEAR.
THANK YOU.
AND THIS IS ALL SHEDDING LIGHT ON JUST HOW BROKEN THE SYSTEM OF
REPORTING SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS ON CAPITOL HILL.
NO!
GOTTA GO!
HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IN REALITY TO GO REPORT AN
INCIDENT.
FIRST, YOU'VE GOT ONLY 180 DAYS TO REPORT IT TO THE OFFICE OF
COMPLIANCE.
YOU THEN HAVE TO GO THROUGH 30 DAYS OF MANDATORY COUNSELING,
FOLLOWED BY 15 DAYS TO DECIDE IF YOU'D LIKE TO BRING THOSE
COMPLAINTS TO MEDIATION, WHICH THEN IS ANOTHER 30 DAYS.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU COULD BUY, LIKE, 40 GUNS IN THAT TIME!
LOUVRE LAUGH I'M JUST KIDDING.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
YOU CAN BUY AS MANY GUNS AS YOU WANT.
AND THAT IS--
GUN LOVERS.
SOME GUN LOVERS TONIGHT.
AND THAT IS IF YOU CAN FIND THE OFFICE OF COMPLIANCE, BECAUSE,
ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY, ONLY ONE IN TEN STAFFERS WERE
AWARE OF THE OFFICE'S EXISTENCE.
AND EVEN IF YOU FOUND IT AND REACHED A SETTLEMENT, YOU MUST
SIGN A NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT THAT KEEPS YOU FROM TALKING TO
ANYONE ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE, EVEN WITH YOUR THERAPIST.
BUT IT DOESN'T PROHIBIT YOU FROM DISCUSSING IT WITH YOUR ABUSER
USING ONLY HAND SIGNALS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS-- I'M
SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS LOADED.
I APOLOGIZE.