- I'm not good at being single.
I should be off having one night stands.
That's what you're meant to do.
I'm scared of one night stands.
Do you know why?
I'm scared of getting something, yeah.
My friend, he had a one night stand.
He got the one that you can't get rid of, kids.
Did you just look at your daughter
on the punchline of that joke?
That was brutal.
"That's you.
"That is my little STD."
What? It's your wife?
Oh my God.
- I'm an introvert.
And I think that's why dating's harder for me.
Extroverts are better at dating
'cause you like getting to know people.
You're like into it for some reason.
That's why I think you're better at casual sex.
When you think about it,
a one night stand is really just meeting someone
as hard as you possibly can.
I've never been able to have casual sex as an introvert.
I can't even relate to my male comic friends in green rooms
when they're talking shop about road sex.
They're like, "Yeah, I had sex with this girl
"and then kind of just lost interest after I came."
I'm like, "Totally.
"That's how I feel after I poop
"in a Barnes and Noble."
Right, 'cause it's like, "I got what I came for.
"We can go."
But those are my most fun friends to talk to.
My friends who have casual sex regularly,
I always want to hear their updates.
I have a friend, she's on Tinder.
I call her every Monday.
I'm like, "Hey, how was your weekend?"
She goes, "Great.
"Remember that guy I told you about?
"He's so good at dirty talk, Taylor."
I'm like, "What's, like, good dirty talk in your opinion?"
She goes,
"I really like being called, like, a slut and a whore."
And I'm like, "Oh my God."
If you like being called a slut and a whore in bed,
your parents loved you so much.
Like, dirty talk is hot
because it's shit you've never heard before.
If someone called me a whore in bed,
I'd be like, "Excuse me?
"That's what my father calls me.
"That is a family name.
"Boundaries, sir.
"Look around, is this sex or Thanksgiving?
"Read the room."
I wanna hear some shit in bed I've never heard.
I wanna hear like,
"Hey, hey, I set up a college fund for you."
- I'm trying to be better about dating in general.
I was kind of a dickhead, in my 20s,
just kind of inconsiderate, bad at communicating.
And it's funny, the mental gymnastics you'll go through
to convince yourself you're not mistreating a woman
as a dirt bag.
Like, well, I see her three times a week.
I've met her mom.
I bust inside every time.
But she knows it ain't that serious.
I mean, come on, I never send her any heart emojis.
She gets it.
That's really what I thought was clear communication,
no hearts.
So I was like, "Oh, we're not serious. No hearts."
Which is so dumb, right?
Imagine you wake up next to someone, you know,
have a beautiful morning, talk about your hopes and dreams,
and then an hour later you just hit her
with the hang loose emoji.
You're like, "Hope you got home safe, surfing guy."
So dumb.
I'm kind of all over the place right now.
I'm dating a lot of girls in open relationships.
It's pretty fun.
Yeah, it's fun, it's like a girlfriend, Airbnb.
It's like, well, I'm not on the lease,
but I'll pop in for the weekend.
Sometimes it's great.
Sometimes you made a new friend
and she'll have sex with you.
That's a pretty cool friend in my book.
But yeah, sometimes it can go wrong.
I thought I really wanted to be sexualized, you know?
I was like, I wanna be treated like an object, you know?
And then it happened to me and it fucked me up to be honest.
I've done this one girl in an open relationship.
She was into fat guys.
Straight up, she was using me for my body.
She was gonna come over, we were gonna have sex.
That was the whole plan.
But you know, I'm a good host.
I'm gonna put out a couple snacks, a little wine, you know?
So she comes over, we start chatting,
I start getting to know her a little bit,
and I can tell that she's instantly annoyed with me.
I'm like, okay, I guess I'll pull my penis out.
And five minutes later I'm getting head and I'm just like.
You know, she didn't even touch the Greek salad
I made for her.
I mean, have an olive for Christ's sake.
Those were heirloom tomatoes.
- I have a tendency to sleep with broke men.
And I'm trying to stop doing that.
But it's hard because broke dick is amazing.
I don't know if you've ever had it, but woo!
10 outta 10.
But the thing is broke dick is amazing
because it has to be. (audience laughs)
They have absolutely nothing else to offer you.
That man has to fuck you to sleep
so he has a place to sleep.
And this is usually when somebody goes, "Oh no."
Oh yes, I see you.
Hello, I saw you.
But you didn't know they were broke
until you came in your house with two backpacks.
Because see one backpack, he's just running around the city,
two backpacks, he is sleeping around the city.
This man is a hobo-sexual.
You have to be very careful.
And I'm doing well, they try to trap me.
They're trying to trap me.
But they say crazy stuff.
They say crazy stuff like, "Oh, I don't like condoms.
"They're uncomfortable."
You know what's uncomfortable?
Knowing you for 18 years, sir.
I'll wrap myself in aluminum foil before I let you touch me.
- Did you guys know there's actually
two different types of love?
There is. It's true.
There's two different types of love.
There's passionate love and companion.
Passionate love is like the crazy love you feel
when you first meet someone and you're going crazy.
It's like, ah!
But that eventually calms down
into something different called companion love,
which is not worse, it's just different, less intense.
And you know, it's kind of a bummer but I get it.
I understand why we have the two different types of love.
You couldn't just have the crazy love your whole life
'cause then society wouldn't function, right?
Like we'd all just be in our homes
just staring at each other.
And the streets would just be filled with homeless children
eating garbage, riding large animals.
I get it.
So that's why we have two different types of love.
But when I first heard about that, I was like,
"Hmm, wouldn't it be interesting to just have
"the crazy stuff for a while?"
Like, what would that be like?
Maybe instead of having one long relationship,
you have a bunch of shorter relationships.
So your graph of love and happiness
is just like boom, boom, boom.
But you know, I don't think you can do that graph.
I've tried to do that graph.
I've seen friends try to do that graph.
And yes, it can be a lot of fun for a while,
but eventually that graph gets weird, you know?
Eventually that graph becomes something like this, you know?
It's like, Oh shit,
me and the boys we're going out tonight.
This bar's gonna be crazy.
This bar's gonna be crazy, this bar's gonna be crazy.
Oh my God, there's so many hot girls here.
Yeah, this one girl's really into me.
Yeah, we're going home together.
Yeah, we're having sex.
Yeah. I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!
I came, this feels empty, this feels empty, this feels empty.
I gotta get outta here.
This feels empty.
Okay, okay, okay, I got outta there, I got outta there.
I just got some brunch.
I'm drinking some water.
I'm drinking some Coke in the water.
I'm getting hydrated.
That's right, I'm getting hydrated.
I'm ready to run it back.
That's right, night two,
me and the boys we're going out tonight.
This bar's gonna be crazy.
This bar's gonna be crazy, this bar's gonna be crazy.
This bar's gonna be, okay, no one's really out tonight.
Okay, so more of a low key type situation.
Okay, me and the boys will just get drunk by ourselves.
No shame there.
Okay, it's getting a little bit weird, uh,
we'll just get some tacos.
Tacos are delicious.
You wake up the next morning.
Oh my God, why did I eat three quesadillas
then a bowl of cereal?
That was really unnecessary.
Okay, well I'm just gonna go back to bed.
I feel like garbage and, God, you know, this is fun.
Hooking up with these hot girls or whatever.
But frankly, I wish I just had someone I really cared about
that I could hold.
But I don't have that person,
so I'm just gonna jerk off and go to bed.
- 'Cause I like a dick in me.
I'm sorry, I like getting stuffed.
I do. It feels good.
And I'm not gonna apologize for it.
I just like, but the problem is,
and people are like,
"Oh, then why don't you just go have sex,
"Nikki, if you want to catch a dick then go out
"and get one."
It's like I would, and I used to when I drank,
but if you're sober, you can't just have casual sex.
I don't know if anyone here has had casual sex sober.
But like how did you do that?
Having casual sex sober, it's a lot more intimate.
It turns into an episode of "Dawson's Creek"
for some reason, a Counting Crows song starts playing.
What's happening?
♪ Around here ♪
Where is that coming from?
This has meaning when it shouldn't.
- Ladies and gentlemen, you may not know this to look at me,
but I belong to the streets.
♪ Body count, high, high, high, high, high ♪
I've been out here throwing this old pussy around
since about-
Since the mid-seventies.
B.A., B.C., before AIDS, before crack.
Whoa, what a time, what a time.
But I'm tired now, goddammit, sugar.
I got about, I done the math.
I got about 17, 18 good fucks left in me.
I'm shutting this whole operation down.
You know, you get older,
you got to start thinking about shit.
Like I'm, you know, I'm just saying,
at what age do you think we could start to slow down
with all this old, pesky dick sucking and shit?
Get somebody else to do it.
No, I’m just-
It's enough already.
I mean, you don't think at 75 years old
I'm still be out here sucking fucking dick, do you?
Baby, auntie don't do that no more, honey.
No, I know, you should have caught me
when I was in them streets.
I used to be a beast.
They used to call me pelican, honey.
- Here's the thing, I don't think that gay men,
we have more sex than straight men.
I think we have more interesting sex
than straight people, certainly.
Like personally, I've had sex in a Target.
I've had sex in an Ikea.
I love to shop. I'm a stereotype.
What can I say, you know?
But my favorite place to hook up in public,
it's very vintage.
It's old school.
I love to hook up in the steam room at my gym.
It's great, 'cause it's very dark and moist,
and gay men we're like mold,
we thrive in those environments.
It's either in the steam room or behind the fridge.
That's where we're fucking these days.
And so recently I was like,
I was hooking up with these two guys
in the steam room at my gym.
We were having an amazing time.
And then in walks a group of straight men.
So we scattered like roaches
because that is the social contract that we signed.
And the straight guys, they sat down,
and they started talking about like chicken and broccoli
or whatever you guys talk about,
and there was a lull in their conversation at one point.
And the guy who had sort of initiated the threesome
at the start, he was sort of the captain of the hookup,
if you will,
he looked over at those men
and he said something truly wild.
He looked over at them and he was like, "You guys horny?"
And they could not believe their ears.
They started like shaking and convulsing.
It was like they were on the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride
and one of the animatronics looked at them in the eyes,
you know?
Like they could not believe what they were hearing.
And finally one of them managed to sputter out.
He was like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not horny.
"None of us are horny."
And you know, that's like,
we were already pretty humiliated.
And then this man,
he stood up and he looked at them in the eyes
and he said something that I'll never forget.
I'm sorry.
He said, "Then you gotta go."
And they did.
That's the crazy thing is they got up without another word
and they left that steam room.
- I don't understand this whole dating thing.
We don't have this.
It's not a Mediterranean thing.
Not a European thing.
We don't get it.
American girls they wanna know what's gonna happen.
I mean, looks like a job interview.
What kind of relationship are you looking for?
What do you want exactly?
What do you need?
What kind of girl 'cause, you know?
I'm browsing.
They have labels.
They have names for everything.
Hook up, friends with benefits.
Apparently it's when a guy and a girl in America are friends
and they have sex.
Oh, in Paris we call them friends.
- The last, the last, uh, uh, hmm.
The last, okay, the last.
Let me explain, you guys.
It was a booty call that I might have took too serious.
You know we do that shit.
- [Audience Member] Yes.
- You can't fuck me more than one time and not be my man.
We fucking on a schedule now you know?
I love you.
It don't matter if you don't love me.
I love you!
It's gonna work out.
My love is enough to keep the shit going, you know?
This mother fucker broke up with me at a dog park.
Yeah, he thought it was safe.
It was not.
This mother fucker showed up to the breakup in Crocs.
I was like,
"You gonna wear Crocs to the breakup, mother fucker?
"You gonna wear Crocs to the breakup?
"You gonna come break my mother fucking heart in Crocs?
"In Crocs? You gonna wear Crocs to this breakup?"
Man, the booty call turned into a police call.
Whooped his ass in that park.
Can't fucking fight me in Crocs.
You can't do shit in Crocs, but be a nurse or a cook.