♪ ♪ ♪ HUMMING THEME SONG )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
HI!
WELCOME TO MY BATHROOM, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU'RE WATCH AGO VERY SPECIAL SOCIAL DISTANCING EDITION OF
"THE LATE SHOW" OR AS I NOW CALL IT, THE LATHER SHOW WITH
SCRUBIN' COLBERT.
MY FIRST GUEST IS MR. BUBBLE FOLLOWED BY MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
BY THE LEGENDARY DUO HEAD AND SHOULDERS.
THANKS, GUYS.
NOW, IF YOU WILL NOTICE, I'M IN MY BATHING SUIT, AND I'M COMING
TO YOU FROM A SECRET ULTRA-SECURE TUB.
I WAS GOING TO USE MY RICH PERSON BUNKER BUT TURNS OUT GUYS
FROM "PARASITE" ARE LIVING THERE.
VERY NICE FOLKS.
THE BIG STORY TONIGHT IS ALL YOU PEOPLE.
PEOPLE ALL OVER AMERICA HAVE HUNKERED DOWN IN THEIR OWN
HOUSES TO RIDE OUT THE THE CORONAVIRUS.
THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS MIGHT GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT WEEKS.
SO GET COMFORTABLE, AND TRY TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, YOU'RE
FINALLY GOING TO GET A CHANCE TO BINGE WATCH ALL THAT TOILET
PAPER YOU BOUGHT, AND YOU BETTER WATCH IT, JACK, BECAUSE I'M
COMING FOR IT.
I DID NOT PLAN WELL.
THE GOVERNMENT -- REMEMBER THEM?
THE GOVERNMENT IS TELLING ALL OF US TO AVOID HUMAN CONTACT
INDEFINITELY.
ON BEHALF TO HAVE THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS EVERYWHERE, LET ME JUST
SAY WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
I HAVE BEEN AVOIDING HUMAN CONTACT SINCE BEFORE IT WAS
COOL.
KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HUMANITY HAS HAD TO
SEQUESTER ITSELF TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF INFECTION.
DID YOU KNOW SIR ISAAC NEWTON RETREATED TO HIS HOME IN THE
COUNTRYSIDE WHEN THE GREAT PLAGUE OF 1 1665 HIT LONDON?
DURING THAT ISOLATION, HE DISCOVERED CALCULUS AND CAME UP
WITH HIS THEORY OF GRAVITY, AND THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE HIS KIDS
WERE STUCK AT HOME WHIPPING APPLES AT EACH OTHERS' HEADS.
SHAKESPEARE ALSO HAD TO WORK FROM HOME TO PROTECT HIMSELF
FROM A PLAGUE AT THE TIME AND WROTE KING LEAR, AND ROMEO AND
PORN HUB.
IT IS A FREAKY, FREAKY TIME.
I GOVERNOR YOU THAT.
I'M SURE A LOT OF YOU ARE WORRIED, BUT IF YOU'RE WATCHING
FROM HOME, KNOW KNOW YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
I'M AT HOME, EVERY MEMBER OF MY STAFF IS HOME, BECAUSE WE NEED
TO SLOW THE SPREAD OF THIS VIRUS.
EPIDEMIOLOGISTS CALL THIS FLATTENING THE CURVE, BUT BASED
ON MY CURRENT LEVEL OF INACTIVITY AND STRESS BAKING, I
DEFINITELY WILL NOT BE FLATTENING MY CURVES.
LOOK WHAT I MADE LAST NIGHT.
LOOK HOW FLAKEY THE RIDGES ARE.
A PEAR AND ALMOND CREAM TART.
MY BEST.
NOW, FLATTENING THE CURVE REFERS TO THIS GRAPH THAT ILLUSTRATES
THE SPREAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS.
IF WE ALL STAY AT HOME AND KEEP OUR DISTANCE, WE WON'T GET THIS
HUGE SPIKE RIGHT HERE IN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE GETTING SICK
ALL AT ONCE.
YOU WILL, HOWEVER, SEE A HUGE SPIKE IN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE
FINALLY CLEANING THEIR STOVES.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU FIND IN THERE.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO KEEP THE NUMBER OF CASES BELOW THIS
DOTTED LINE.
SEE THAT LITTLE DOTTED LINE, THOUGH?
THAT IS THE LINE AT WHICH OUR ENTIRE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM BECOMES
OVERWHELMED AND, AT THAT POINT, PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE TO STAY AT
HOME AND TREAT THEMSELVES, THEN MAIL THEMSELVES AN $8,000
MEDICAL BILL.
NOW TRUMP AND HIS CORONAVIRUS TEAM HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE
TODAY AND I'VE GOT TO SAY HIS TONE WAS DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT
THAN PREVIOUS DAYS.
>> THEREFORE, MY ADMINISTRATION IS RECOMMENDING ALL AMERICANS
INCLUDE THE YOUNG AND HEALTHY WORK TO ENGAGE IN SCHOOLING FROM
HOME WHEN POSSIBLE, AVOID GATHERING IN GROUPS OF MORE THAN
10 PEOPLE, AVOID DISCRETIONARY TRAVEL, AND AVOID EATING AND
DRINKING AT BARS, REST RESTAURANTS AND PUBLIC FOOD
COURTS.
>> Stephen: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
DON'T GET TOGETHER IN GROUPS OF MORE THAN TEN PEOPLE.
THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION COMING FROM THE CORONAVIRUS TASK
FORCE WHICH HAS 21 MEMBERS.
THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD MATH LESSON FOR ALL THOSE KIDS NOW
BEING HOME-SCHOOLED.
QUESTION, IF THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE HAS 21 MEMBERS BUT
GROUPS AREN'T ALLOWED TO CONTAIN MORE THAN TEN PEOPLE, HOW MANY
MORE MONTHS ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO BE EATING CHEF BOY ARE DEE?
IN FACT, THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS HOW LONG IS
THIS GOING TO GO ON?
>> PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT JULY, AUGUST, SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.
SO IT COULD BE RIGHT IN THAT PERIOD OF TIME WHERE I SAY IT
WASHES THROUGH.
THEY THINK AUGUST, COULD BE JULY, COULD BE LONGER.
>> Stephen: YES, TO CONTROL THE SPREAD OF THIS VIRUS, THEY
ARE WORKING HAND IN HAND, TONGUE IN MOUTH, SNEEZE IN FACE.
AS RECENTLY AS YESTERDAY, TRUMP WAS SAYING HE HAD THIS VIRUS
UNDER CONTROL.
AND TODAY?
>> YOU'RE NOT SAYING IT'S UNDER CONTROL, RIGHT?
>> I'M NOT REFERRING TO "IT," MEANING THE --
>> THE VIRUS.
IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE VIRUS, NO, THAT'S NOT UNDER
CONTROL FOR ANY PLACE IN THE WORLD.
>> THAT IS AS COMFORTING AS A PARENT TUCKING IN THEIR CHILD.
RELAX, KIDS, THERE AREN'T JUST MONSTERS UNDER YOUR BEDS, THERE
ARE MONSTERS AROUND ALL THE BEDS AROUND THE WORLD AND I DON'T
HAVE ANY OF IT UNDER CONTROL.
GOOD NIGHT!
BUT TRUMP IS ADAMANT HE'S DOING THE BEST HE CAN WITH THE HAND HE
WAS DEALT.
>> WHEN WE HAVE A FUTURE PROBLEM, IF AND WHEN, AND
HOPEFULLY WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THIS, BUT IF THERE IS,
WE'RE GOING TO BE STARTING OFF FROM A MUCH HIGHER PLATEAU,
BECAUSE WE WERE AT A VERY, VERY LOW BASE.
WE HAD A SYSTEM THAT WAS NOT MEANT FOR THIS.
>> Stephen: YES, SOME IDIOT DISBANDED OBAMA'S PANDEMIC
RESPONSE TEAM.
WE SHOULD REALLY LOOK INTO WHOEVER WAS AFTER PRESIDENT
OBAMA BECAUSE THAT GUY SCREWED THE POOCH, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS
ANOTHER WAY THE VIRUS CAN SPREAD.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS TRUMP WAS FOCUSED ON THE FUTURE.
>> IF EVERYONE MAKES THIS CHANGE OR THESE CRITICAL CHANGES AND
SACRIFICES NOW, WE WILL RALLY TOGETHER AS ONE NATION, AND WE
WILL DEFEAT THE VIRUS, AN WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BIG CELEBRATION
ALL TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: YES, IT'S TRUE, WE WILL ALL CELEBRATE -- THE
INAUGURATION OF ANYONE ELSE.
NOW, IN ORDER TO SELF-ISOLATE, AMERICANS HAVE BEEN STOCKING UP
ON ESSENTIALS, BUT, NOW, PEOPLE ARE LINING UP TO BUY GUNS AND
AMMO.
NO!
YOU CAN'T SHOOT A VIRUS!
THE THOUGHT OF FRIGHTENED AMERICANS ARMING THEMSELVES TO
THE TEETH SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME, AND THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER
LEFT!
NO CARDS TO BE THE TABLE, I TOO HAVE GIVEN IN TO THE HOARDING
IMPULSE.
YES, I BOUGHT A CAN OF BEANS.
YEAH.
THERE'S LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF BEANS IN THIS CAN.
ONE OF THEM'S GOT TO BE MAGICAL.
THAT'S JUST MATH.
NOW, THERE ARE SOME PROFESSIONAL HOARDERS, LIKE THAT GUY IN
TENNESSEE WHO HAS OVER 17,000 BOTTLES OF HAND SANITIZER IN HIS
GARAGE AND NOWHERE TO SELL THEM AFTER AMAZON CRACKED DOWN ON
CORONAVIRUS PRICE GOUGING.
IT'S IRONIC HE HAS ALL THE HAND SANITIZER IN TENNESSEE BUT NO
ONE WILL EVER WANT TO SHAKE HIS HAND AGAIN.
IN AN IDEAL WORLD, OUR ELECTED LEADERS WOULD URGE US TO FOLLOW
THE ADVICE OF EXPERTS.
HOWEVER, REPRESENTATIVE FROM CALFORNIA DEVIN NUNES SAYS
THIS.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SCARED TO GO OUT.
BUT I'M GOING TO SAY YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, IT'S A GOOD TIME TO
GO TO A RESTAURANT, YOU'RE LIKELY TO GET IN EASILY.
GO TO YOUR LOCAL PUB.
>> Stephen: NOTHING GETS PEOPLE SCARED ABOUT GOING
SOMEWHERE IS THE IDEA OF RUNNING INTO DEVIN NUNES.
SOME SET BAD CHAMPS.
NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO WENT TO WORK OUT AT HIS Y.M.C.A.
DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD TO WORK OUT?
♪ YOU CAN WATER YOUR PLANTS, YOU CAN WALK AROUND WITHOUT PANTS ♪
ANOTHER MAN DOING IT WRONG WAS OKLAHOMA GOVERNOR.
HE TWEETED EATING WITH KIDS AND ALL MY FELLOW OKLAHOMANS AT THE
COLLECTIVE OKC.
IT'S PACKED TODAY TONIGHT.
HIS TWEET WENT VIRAL BUT NOT AS VIRAL AS EVERYONE AT THE
RESTAURANT.
HE DELETED THE TWEET BUT HIS OFFICE DOUBLED DOWN AND SAID THE
GOVERNOR WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE HIS FAMILY TO DINNER AND THE
GROCERY STORE WITHOUT LIVING IN FEAR AND ENCOURAGES OKLAHOMANS
DO THE SAME.
A TRUE STIT FOR BRAINS.
GOVERNOR, DON'T BRING OKLAHOMANS DOWN WITH YOU.
IT'S ONE THING TO STAY ON THE TITANIC.
IT'S ANOTHER THING TO SAY WHY IS EVERYBODY GETTING ON THE DUMB
LIFEBOATS?
THE STREAM QUARTERRETTE IS STILL PUMPING OUT THE DAMS!
SOME BUSINESSES CHOSE TO SHUT DOWN LIKE DISNEY WORLD WHICH
MADE THE PRUDENT DECISION TO CLOSE BUT THEY STILL HELD ONE
LAST FIREWORKS SHOW AND IT WAS PACKED.
DOESN'T A LAST SHOW SORT OF DEFEAT THE PURPOSE?
IT'S LIKE FINDING OUT YOUR PARTNER HAS HERPES AND THEN
SAYING, WE SHOULD STOP SLEEPING TOGETHER AFTER ONE LAST NIGHT OF
BLISTERING PASSION!
AT T POINT IS, AT THIS TIME OF NATIONAL PERIL, WE ALL HAVE TO
DO OUR PART.
WE ALL HAVE TO DON'T OUR PART.
THERE IS NO COUNTRY IN THE WORLD MORE PREPARED FOR THAT THAN THE
U.S.A.
TURNS OUT, AMERICANS WITH RESPECT LAZY COUCH POTATOES THIS
WHOLE TIME.
ALL THAT SITTING ON OUR ASSES AND WATCHING TV WAS ACTUALLY
TRAINING TO SAVE THE WORLD.
SO TO PARAPHRASE IN IMMORALITILE WORDS OF JOHN F. KENNEDY, ASK
NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK HOW MANY EPISODES OF
LOVE IS BLIND CAN YOU WATCH IN ONE SITTING.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.