It's so good to be here.
Um, you have to excuse me if I'm, um, a little tired.
I'm not getting a lot of sleep lately,
uh, because I'm a human being.
And I never trust someone that does get good sleep.
Uh, when I meet a guy, he's like, "Yeah, I get, like,
nine or ten hours of sleep a night."
I'm always like, "Oh, cool. (Bleep) you.
"You don't have worries and stuff?
"You don't have anything...
"How do you sleep at night?
"Honestly, how do you get to sleep at night.
I would love to know."
I, uh, am-am falling in and out of, uh,
not being able to get to sleep,
and the biggest issue I'm having is, uh,
outside of my bedroom window, uh, there's a tree.
And inside the tree is all the birds.
In the entire world.
All the birds in the world were like, "Let's go to the tree!"
And they all came, and they're like,
"You want to wake him up all the time and yell?"
And they're like, "Yeah, that sounds so fun.
How fun, to ruin this guy's life."
They chirp as loud as they can
at around 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning.
I mean, at the top of their little lungs,
which I would love to pop, one by one.
Just-- pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
Just like bubble wrap, I want to go down the row.
Like-- pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
But they yell.
And so here I am at 4:00 in the morning
Googling "How to kill all the birds."
And Google's like, "I have no idea.
I don't know. You're crazy."
And I got in an Internet wormhole.
You know how you get in, like, a wormhole
and you're like, "Why... How am I on the Home Depot website?
"How did that... Did I just buy lawn furniture?
I don't have a lawn. How did I get here?"
Uh, but I saw this subcategory and it said
in this part of Southern California
this particular bird, it's-it's high mating season.
And I was like, "Oh, that's right.
The bird call is their mating season."
We all know that.
You know, that makes perfect sense.
I can't believe I missed that.
But I thought, the nerve of this dude.
Like, the nerve of these guys that I have to wake up
at 4:00 in the morning because they want to wake up
at 4:00 in the morning, to just go,
"All right...
"Who wants some dick?! Who wants some dick?!
"Who wants some dick?!
"Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!
"Dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick- dick-dick-dick-dick-dick...
"Dick-dick-dick-dick- dick-dick- dick-dick...
"Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!
"Dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick- dick-dick...
"Mike, come here.
Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!"
That's just what that guy gets to do.
That's what that man gets to do.
Just scream it out loud.
And then he just gets to wait.
You realize, he just gets to sit there and wait,
until a female bird catches literal wind of it flying by
and goes, "Oh, yes, I'm wet- wet-wet-wet-wet-wet-wet.
"Wet! Wet! Wet! Wet! Wet! Wet! Wet! Wet!
Wet-wet-wet-wet-wet-wet-wet."
She flies to him, they make-a the love,
that's how they do that.
Brilliant creatures.
What are we doing talking to one another?
What a waste of our time.
We should just walk into a bar a be like,
Want to (bleep)? Want to (bleep)? Want to (bleep)?
Want to (bleep)? Want to (bleep)?
Want to (bleep)? Want to (bleep)? Want to (bleep)?
Want to (bleep)? Want to (bleep)?
No? No? No? No? Fine. Fine. Fine.
And then go home.
Right?
(applauding)
I don't know, I'm just getting irritated as I get older.
The more people I meet, the more people I hate.
That's kind of my theory.
Like, you know when you hold a door for somebody
and they don't say thank you and you're like,
"Oh, cool. I should just be able to kill you now.
"Like, I should just be able to take you out.
"We don't need you anymore.
I held the door for you, you didn't say anything?"
I should just be able to have a leather pouch
with stones in it...
And no thank... No "thank you"?
Okay, sounds good. That's what you get.
That's what you get. That's what you get.
Just say thank... be a grown-up.
Say "thank you."
Minimal stuff gets under my skin now.
It's, like, the smallest thing.
Like, I hate when I go...
When I go in a public bathroom
and they don't have paper towel.
It drives me crazy.
We all feel it, but no one says anything.
Like, I don't want your hot wall air.
No.
Give me a dead tree, I'm a grown man.
I don't need... hot wall air?
(makes whirring noise)
That's what I have to work with?
(whirring noise)
Or even worse, when they have, like, the wall-mounted ones,
that you have to shimmy your hands into,
and play Operation, so not to touch the sides.
It's disgusting!
Give me a paper towel.
We all want a paper towel,
because we dry off our hands with it, right?
And then you use it to what?
Open the door. Yes, America.
'Cause I'm not a... 'Cause I'm not disgusting.
So I grab the paper towel, I dry off with it,
and then I open the door,
I wedge my foot in the door there,
and then I grab the paper towel, crumple it up,
I look down to my right and if there isn't a trash can there
I just throw the paper towel
where the trash can's supposed to go.
So the establishment knows,
"Guys, that's where that goes."
You think I'm going to reach back?
No, I don't think so.
I love to see other paper towels there.
I'm like, "We're here. We're here!"