>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK.
TONIGHT, I'M PRESENTING MY VISIT TO SPACE FORCE'S THULE AIRBASE,
DEEP INSIDE THE ARCTIC CIRCLE, IN A SERIES WE'RE CALLING:
"RED, WHITE, AND GREENLAND! STEPHEN COLD-BEAR IS LOST IN
SPACE FORCE." BECAUSE THE NETWORK DIDN'T WANT
ME TO CALL IT "STEPHEN COLBERT: ARCTIC CIRCLE JERK."
NOW, IN PART TWO WE TAKE A BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK AT THE
U.S. MILITARY OPERATIONS AT THE BASE.
>> Stephen: I WANTED TO SEE EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO SEE AT
THULE, AND UP FIRST WAS THE SUPER COOL 12th SPACE WARNING
SQUADRON. >> Stephen: AND SO, STUFF IN
THERE IS SECRET? >> THERE IS SECRET STUFF IN
THERE. >> Stephen: AND I GET TO GO IN?
>> YOU GET TO GO IN. >> Stephen: CAN THESE GUYS COME
IN WITH US? >> NO.
>> Stephen: THEY CANNOT COME IN. I CANNER YOU WHAT I SAW, BUT THE
THING I SAW WAS THE THING I WAS WONDERING I WOULD SEE AND I SAW
IT. I WAS EXCITED TO SEE ALL THE
OTHER THINGS I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SO I HADEDDED THROUGH
THE HAMP STER SYSTEM BUILT FOR THE LONG HARSH WILL WINTERS.
>> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO KNOW, BEFORE YOU GET ME TO WHATEVER
THE KILL FLOOR IS AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL, THAT I AM JUST NO
FUN TO HUNT. I GIVE UP IMMEDIATELY.
I DON'T EVEN BEG WELL. >> OKAY.
>> Stephen: FINALLY, I ARRIVED AT THE 23rd SPACE OPERATIONS
SQUADRON. >> Stephen: WOW!
HAH-HAH! THAT'S EXTRAORDINARY.
THIS IS YOUR CEREBRO? (LAUGHTER)
IS THIS HOW YOU TRACK THE MUTANTS?
SOMEBODY PUTS ON THE HEADSET? >> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DO THAT? >> NO.
I THINK YOU MADE CEREBRO MAD. >> Stephen: SO, WHO RUNS THIS?
>> SERGEANT SHUTE DOES. >> Stephen: SERGEANT SHUTE?
HEY, SERGEANT SHUTE. >> HELLO, SIR.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS DISH COMMUNICATING WITH, SERGEANT?
>> IT'S COMMUNICATING WITH WEATHER SATELLITES AND G.P.S.
SATELLITES, COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITES, INTEL SATELLITES.
>> Stephen: SERGEANT, IS THERE ANY CHANCE I COULD RIDE THE
WHILE IT MOVES? >> I DON'T BELIEVE SO, SIR.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?
>> WELL, THERE IS SOME RADIATION IF IT STARTS TRANSMITTING.
>> Stephen: SO I'D BE, LIKE-- A SO HOW MUCH BARNING BEFORE IT
SETS ON POPCORN MODE. >> THR ARE WARNINGS AND SIRENS
GO OFF AND BEFORE IT STARTS RADIATING ARE THERE REALLY COOL
THINGS ABOUT THIS JOB YOU CAN'T TELL ME ABOUT.
TELL ME. >> Stephen: CAN IT SHOOT BEAMS?
CAN IT SHOOT A BEAM OUT OF IT? >> NO, SIR.
>> Stephen: DOES IT HAVE OFFENSIVE CAPABILITIES?
>> NO, SIR. >> Stephen: COULD YOU TELL ME IF
IT DID? >> NO, SIR.
>> Stephen: WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT!
TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS FOUR. THIS THING IS A--
(ALARM GOES OFF) HOLY (BLEEP)!
(ALARM) >> Stephen: AS IF THAT WASN'T
TERRIFYING ENOUGH, I WAS INVITED TO SEE HOW THE BRAVE MEN
AND WOMEN OF THE SPACE FORCE MONITOR FOR THE LAUNCH OF
NUCLEAR MISSILES AIMED AT THE CONTINENTAL U.S.
NOW, THIS IS JUST GOING TO BE A SIMULATED ATTACK, RIGHT?
>> CORRECT. >> YES, SIR.
>> Stephen: SO I PROBABLY SHOULD JUST HAVE VIRTUAL PANTS TO CRAP?
>> YES, SIR. >> Stephen: OKAY!
ONCE YOU DETECT AN INCOMING, LET'S SAY, INTERCONTINENTAL
BALLISTIC MISSILE, ARMED WITH THERMONUCLEAR WARHEADS, HOW LONG
BETWEEN DETECTION AND IT GETTING TO ITS TARGET, GENERALLY
SPEAKING, ARE WE TALKING HERE? >> ROUGHLY 15 TO 30 MINUTES.
>> Stephen: 15 TO 30 MINUTES? >> YES, SIR.
>> CORRECT. >> IT'S TO GIVE ENOUGH TIME FOR
THE NATIONAL COMMAND AUTHORITY TO DEPART WASHINGTON, D.C., SO,
TO GET ON AN AIRPLANE AND-- >> Stephen: REALLY?
IT'S SO THEY CAN GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE--
>> ABSOLUTELY. >> YES.
>> Stephen: AND IF THAT HAPPENED, WOULD YOU--
>> CONTINUITY. >> Stephen: --TELL THE PEOPLE OF
THE UNITED STATES THAT THIS ATTACK WAS COMING?
>> SO, WE DON'T TELL ANYBODY BUT MISSILE WARNING CENTER.
>> Stephen: OKAY. OKAY, I'M R-- I'M READY FOR A
SIMULATION, WHENEVER YOU ARE. >> SO, YOU CAN SEE ON THE SCREEN
THESE YELLOW LINES? SO, IN THE SIM, WE'VE-- WE'VE
PROJECTED... NEW YORK, WASHINGTON, D.C.,
L.A., AND... WAS IT QUEBEC? >> OTTAWA.
>> OTTAWA. >> Stephen: DOES OTTAWA HAVE
NUCLEAR LAUNCH CAPABILITIES? DO THE CANADIANS HAVE NUKES?
>> NO, CANADA DOESN'T HAVE-- >> Stephen: THEY DON'T HAVE
NUKES? OKAY.
I KNOW, THAT'S FUNNY TO THINK-- >> THEY-- THEY DO--
>> Stephen: --CANADA'S BEING DANGEROUS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS. THEY'RE VERY LOVELY PEOPLE.
(BEEPING) ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THAT--
>> STARTING TO COME. >> Stephen: WE HAVE A BOGEY?
>> FORCE DISPLAYS, NO MALFUNCTIONS, NO SIMS.
>> NO SIMS, IT'S VALID. >> THIS IS THULE.
SITE REPORT IS VALID, NUMBER OF OBJECTS IS FOUR.
>> Stephen: NOW, WOULD THAT BE A SUBMARINE LAUNCH, BASED ON ITS
LOCATION, OF WHERE IT STARTED? >> YES, SIR.
>> Stephen: AND WOULD YOU BE THIS CALM WHILE THIS WAS GOING
ON? >> I'D LIKE TO THINK SO, SIR.
>> Stephen: OKAY. SO, WHO DID YOU CALL WHEN THIS
STARTED? LIKE, WHEN YOU PICKED UP THE
RED PHONE OVER THERE, WHAT IS THAT, THE WHITE HOUSE?
WHO'D YOU CALL? >> I WAS CALLING MISSILE WARNING
CENTER. SO, JUST MAKING SURE THAT
THEY'RE SEEING WHAT I'M SEEING, AND--
>> Stephen: AND WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THEM?
>> "THIS IS THULE, STAND BY FOR SITE REPORTING.
HAVE YOU RECEIVED AN L.& P.I.?" SO, "ARE YOU ALSO SEEING THIS
DATA AS WELL?" >> Stephen: OKAY, DO YOU SAY
ANYTHING BEFORE THAT? BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS KIND OF,
LIKE, ABRUPT AND, FRANKLY, RUDE. >> IT IS QUITE ABRUPT.
>> EVERYBODY'S ON A TIMELINE. >> Stephen: BUT THERE'S NO
REASON TO BE RUDE. I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S THE END OF
THE WORLD, BUT THERE'S PHONE ETIQUETTE.
>> I WORKED AT THE MISSILE WARNING CENTER, SO...
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH? >> I'VE-- I'VE BEEN THE GUY ON
THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE, SO. >> Stephen: OKAY.
AND WHEN THEY CALL, WOULD YOU APPRECIATE A LITTLE, LIKE,
"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON, SERGEANT PIERCE?
WHAT'S GOING ON? I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW HAIRCUT.
IT LOOKS GREAT. BY THE WAY, THERE'S BEEN A
MISSILE LAUNCH. AD, HAVE A GREAT DAY."
LIKE, THAT'S NOT SO HARD. IT DIDN'T TAKE ANY TIME AT ALL.
>> NO, WE WOULD ACTUALLY PREFER THE CLEAR AND CONCISE
COMMUNICATION. IT HELPS US GET OUR--
>> Stephen: YOU CAN DO BOTH. YOU CAN DO BOTH.
AND WHAT'S THAT BIG RED PHONE FOR?
>> SO, THE BIG RED PHONE, THAT IS OUR MILSTAR PHONE.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, THE WHAT? MILSTAR?
>> SO, MILSTAR IS OUR LAST LINES OF COMMUNICATIONS, AFTER A
NUCLEAR ATTACK. SO, HYPOTHETICALLY, IF A NUCLEAR
ATTACK WERE TO HAPPEN, WE WOULD STILL HAVE COMMUNICATIONS WITH
PEOPLE THAT WE NEED TO PASS-- CONTINUE PASSING DATA ON.
SO-- >> Stephen: SO THAT'S THE
POST-NUCLEAR ATTACK PHONE. >> YES.
>> CORRECT. >> Stephen: AND WHO PICKS THAT
UP ON THE OTHER END? >> HOPEFULLY SOMEBODY.
>> MISSILE WARNING CENTER. >> MISSILE WARNING CENTER.
>> Stephen: OR THE MUTANTS' VICE LORD, THAT NOW RULES WHAT USED
TO BE THE UNITED STATES WITH HIS ROAMING GANGS OF HALF-NUDE
WARRIOR MOTORCYCLE GANGS-- >> IF HE'S NOW-- IF HE'S WORKING
AT THE MISSILE WARNING CENTER, THEN YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY. HOW MANY MILSTAR PHONES ARE
THERE? >> THERE'S ABOUT A DOZEN.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: THERE'S ABOUT A
DOZEN OF THEM? THAT'S ONE OF A DOZEN?
>> YES, SIR. >> Stephen: SO, CAN YOU TELL ME
WHERE THEY ARE? LIKE, WHITE HOUSE HAS GOT ONE, I
ASSUME? >> MM-HMM, YEAH.
>> Stephen: CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN'S GOT ONE?
>> CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, YEP. THAT'S THE WARNING CENTER IN
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN HAS ONE. >> Stephen: OPRAH'S GOT ONE?
>> ALL THE MISSILE WARNING SITES HAVE ONE.
>> Stephen: SO, THAT IS THE SCARIEST PIECE OF EQUIPMENT I'VE
EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, THERE. THAT LITERALLY, THAT PHONE IS
DESIGNED TO FUNCTION AFTER A NUCLEAR EXCHANGE.
>> CORRECT. SO, SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SIT
AT A CONSOLE, THEY CAN-- WE HAVE OUR TRAINER AND
EVALUATOR HERE, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO--
>> Stephen: WHERE WOULD I-- SHALL I BE IN THE EVALUATOR AND,
WITH THE TRAINER? WHAT DO I--
>> I'LL LET YOU TAKE THIS SEAT, SIR.
THAT WAY YOU CAN BE CREW COMMANDER.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, SERGEANT. THANK YOU, SERGEANT.
>> BUT, I'LL WALK YOU THROUGH IT, IF YOU'D LIKE.
>> Stephen: GREAT. GREAT.
LIEUTENANT? >> YES?
>> Stephen: WHAT DO I DO? >> OKAY, YOU WOULD MAKE THE P.A.
SO, USING THIS PHONE, THERE'S A P.A. BUTTON.
AND YOU WOULD SAY, "IMPLEMENT SITE REPORTING.
IMPLEMENT SITE REPORTING." (P.A. BEEPING)
>> Stephen: SHALOM. (ECHOING)
EVERYTHING'S FINE. (ECHOING)
IT'S ALL-- (ECHOING)
IT'S ALL GOOD. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. I LOVE YOU.
NEXT? >> OKAY, NEXT WE WOULD SAY--
>> OKAY, NEXT WE WOULD SAY-- YOU WOULD SAY, "OKAY, I DIDN'T
DO IT," OR, "THERE'S NO SIM." WHICH, THERE IS NO SIM.
>> Stephen: "NO SIM. I DIDN'T DO IT."
>> PERFECT. I DIDN'T DO IT, AS WELL, SO IT
IS A VALID SITE REPORT. >> Stephen: BUT WOULDN'T YOU BE
HAPPY IF I HAD DONE IT? >> IT-- IT WOULD BE A BETTER
DAY. >> Stephen: EXACTLY, I WAS JUST
WONDERING, BECAUSE YOU SEEM FAIRLY CHEERFUL THAT I HAD NOT
DONE IT, AND THAT CONFUSED ME FOR A MOMENT.
(LAUGHTER) PERFECT!
WONDERFUL! IT'S AN ACTUAL LAUNCH.
OKAY. AND, AT WHAT POINT DO YOU
PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THE NEW MUTANT LEADER?
>> SO, IDEALLY, WE NEVER USE THAT PHONE.
>> WE NEVER USE THAT PHONE. >> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING IT'S
A GOAL. >> YEAH, SO THAT'S THE BAD
PHONE-- >> Stephen: I'M NOT TRYING TO
ENCOURAGE THIS SORT OF THING. MATTER OF FACT, I'M-- I'D BE
THRILLED IF YOU NEVER PICKED IT UP.
>> SO, IT'S JUST A BACKUP IF THE OTHER PHONES DON'T WORK.
>> Stephen: IT'S JUST A BACKUP, IN CASE THE WORLD'S COME TO AN
END? >> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL. IT'S JUST A SAFETY NET IN CASE
THERE'S BEEN A THERMONUCLEAR WAR?
NO BIGGIE. >> IT'S--
(BEEPING) >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT?
WHO'S THAT? THAT'S THE CAMERAMAN.
>> THE BATTERY DIED. >> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU'RE (BLEEP) FIRED. (LAUGHTER)
I APOLOGIZE. APOLOGIZE FOR THE LANGUAGE.
WHEN WE COME BACK I DO KARAOKE AND SHOTS WITH SERVICE MEMBERS
AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD. STICK AROUND.