President Trump has fired Secretary of State,
and human grumpy cat, Rex Tillerson.
And this just continues an unprecedented run
of people quitting or getting fired
from the Trump administration.
I mean, think about it, we're not even 14 months in,
and look at all the people we've lost, all right?
This is like Saving Private Ryan numbers over here.
Look at this, right? That's a shit-ton of people.
And I-I-I'm not exaggerating.
Rex was only one of three people
who were fired today.
Yeah, his aide was fired
for explaining how Tillerson was fired,
and Trump's personal assistant was fired
for possible financial crimes.
Yeah, working for the White House
is basically like being in a Saw movie, you know?
You show up, you get tortured for a while,
and then you get killed off.
That's how it works.
But of course, as always, the president,
whose catchphrase is literally, "you're fired,"
didn't have the balls, or the decency
to tell Tillerson the news to his face.
The secretary of state was informed
by White House Chief of Staff, John Kelly,
that the president had made a decision
to relieve him of his duties,
but did not say when that would happen.
He learned about his termination officially
in a tweet by the president.
Okay, I'm sorry. That's messed up.
How can you fire a man in a public tweet?
At least slide into his DMs.
And the details of the story have only made it worse,
because when Trump decided to fire Tillerson,
he was in Africa, right.
He was busy meeting with shithole countries.
And it turns out the only reason
that Tillerson came back when he did
was that Chief of Staff John Kelly had warned him
that he was going to get fired.
Which was lucky, because imagine if this happened
and he wasn't warned.
He could have been in the middle of negotiations in Africa
and African leadership found it out on Twitter before him,
and he would have been like, "You know what,
I'm here to tell you what America requires."
And they would have just been like, "Well, I'm here
to tell you I require you to suck my dick."
(laughter)
"Sir, do you know who you're talking to?
I carry the full weight of the United States."
"I will give you the full weight of my balls."
"Do you know who I am?"
"According to Twitter, an unemployed man, huh?"
(laughter)
Now, look, we may never know
the real reason Trump got rid of Tillerson,
but it's because Tillerson disagreed with Trump
on lots of policy issues, you know,
from upholding the Iran nuclear deal
to leaving the Paris climate accord.
Or maybe Trump has a secret reason
he would never tell us about.
Maybe he's just like, "I have to be honest, folks.
"Tillerson looks like a giant porcupine,
"and that scares me.
And I know that's silly, because porcupines aren't real."
(laughter)
But if you want to see
Trump and Tillerson's relationship in a nutshell,
the best example
is just look at how they dealt with North Korea.
'Cause at first, Tillerson tried diplomacy,
and then Trump did this.
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says the U.S.
is in direct channels of communication
with North Korea
and looking into whether the regime is open to talks.
Trump appeared to undermine a new diplomatic channel
announced just yesterday by the secretary of state.
"I told Rex Tillerson he's wasting his time
trying to negotiate with Little Rocket Man."
All right, so that was Trump's message:
don't negotiate with North Korea.
And Tillerson, the loyal soldier that he was,
carried that message to the world.
Then last week, this happened.
With respect to North Korea...
In terms of direct talks with the United States
and you asked negotiations,
and we're a long ways from negotiations.
Breaking news tonight. President Trump agreeing
to meet with North Korea's Kim Jong-un.
Mr. Trump blindsided his secretary of state,
agreeing to the talks only hours
after Rex Tillerson dismissed the idea.
Come on, man!
These are some serious mind games.
It's like Trump was trying
to get Tillerson to break up with him.
"Let's go to the club."
"I hate the club." "All right, let's stay in."
"Why don't you ever want to go out?"
And today, when asked about the firing,
President Trump even sounded
like he was trying to be a sensitive ex.
Rex is a very good man.
I like Rex a lot.
I really appreciate his commitment and his service,
and I'll be speaking to Rex over a long period of time.
You know, I wish Rex a lot of good things.
I think he's gonna do...
I think he's gonna be very happy.
I think Rex will be much happier now.
You know, Trump... Trump is right.
Yeah. Rex Tillerson will be much happier now.
Everyone who leaves the White House ends up happier.
Just look at this guy, right, or this guy,
and especially this guy. Yeah.
Why are you so happy, Obama?
We're dying over here.
You've been kitesurfing for two years.
But Tillerson will be happier than most,
because don't forget,
he never wanted the job in the first place.
He was a reluctant secretary of state to begin with.
He's on the record saying, "I really didn't want the job.
My wife asked me to do it."
Damn.
Yeah, some wives ask their man to take out the garbage.
This one told Tillerson to go live in it.
That's a devoted husband right there, man.
Yeah, that's, like, the dopest thing
for a wife to brag about.
"Oh, your husband bought you flowers?
"My husband works for Trump because I asked him to.
"But no, daisies are cute, too. Yeah.
No, you do you, girl."
And, look, when Tillerson first took the job,
a lot of people dissed him
because he had no diplomatic experience
and he was the only cabinet member
with a resting "I've got shit on my shoe" face.
And, you know what, those people turned out to be right.
Tillerson was a pretty bad secretary of state.
Uh, he defended deep budget cuts to his department,
he left many important positions unfilled,
and his weak leadership
had career diplomats leaving in droves.
But even though he was a disaster overall,
we should still be able to celebrate
Rex Tillerson's greatest achievements,
which we celebrate tonight
in Rex Tillerson's Greatest Achievements.
♪ ♪
(cheering and applause)
NBC News reporting that the secretary of state,
Rex Tillerson, called the president he serves a moron.
My source didn't just say, uh, that he called him a moron.
He said "an effing moron."
♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) -Tillerson,
thank you for your service.