G'day A.J. Mahari here a little bit more on the quiet
borderline because um i'm hearing from a lot of
clients getting comments to the channel emails
etc people either think that people with
quiet bpd have like quote bpd light unquote
or conversely on the opposite end of the scale
people think well that quiet borderline is definitely a vulnerable narcissist
and neither is correct neither is true some people bpd can become morbid with
npd but that's not everybody so that's not
every quiet borderline so quiet bpd is not a new
title for vulnerable narcissist the other thing is
people with quiet bpd oh and quiet bpd let's add in quiet bpd
high functioning well this is not coded language for
so they really kind of almost don't have bpd
you know this is the kind of thing i'm hearing from people people seem
really confused and can't blame people for being
really confused about all the crazy and misinformation
out there crazy information and misinformation out there
but the bottom line is some people with bpd
aren't as severely impacted as others but
i personally don't believe there's anything called bpd light
there are people that do have traits of bpd
some people call them tendencies i don't know what that means
but here's the thing people are are you one of those people torturing yourself
on the other side of a quiet borderline high functioning
that you either think is a vulnerable narcissist or you think
is less of a borderline because well they don't bite with you the same
and well i've had people say to me but like
he or she was quiet and i thought maybe that
we could get along better because well at least they wouldn't be yelling at me
and then in the meantime there's so many people out there
talking about feeling next to i don't know what driven crazy
by the silent treatment by the quiet of the quiet borderline by the
withdrawal see quiet bpd is the subtype by theodore
million who made a lot more sense than a lot of american psychiatry does
when he coined that subtype as discouraged
but they internalize everything so it's not bpd light you know you can't
it's not a measuring stick for that right quiet bpd high functioning
often means people who have quiet bpd aren't that recognizable
right which can be a problem for people that end up in relationships with them
granted um and that can be really shocking when you start to figure out
what's going on or like in my case with my last ex
you know partner x who was a quiet bpd i didn't even figure it out
because i wasn't having a codependent response i wasn't pursuing i was busy
we're in a relationship it was what it was i mean it's it's been horrible ever
since she took her life but the thing is i knew it had to end but like i was a
little bit oblivious and um when we could get along and we're
together that was seemingly really good right
but that's the cycle it's either really good
or with the quiet borderline you can't even find them
but they won't text you back they won't call you drives you crazy
i'm not here to judge anybody if you're feeling like they're driving you crazy
or you're on your last nerve because you just don't get this
or but people have said to me over and over many many people emails
clients etc um but you know if i didn't say this or if i did say
that or if i just said yes to this instead
know that would that had to be my fault right
the person's quiet bpd just like ghosted me or
doesn't text me anymore or it's been months or a long time even for some
people and they're still really totally focused on this and
understandable because it's difficult confusing and painful and no closure
but also this is what more severe codependency looks like
for people not all people but a lot of people
it's like you can't get them off your mind and you keep blaming yourself and
it had to be your fault but it's not your fault see people with
impacted more severity with codependency who've been with a quiet
borderline um high functioning whatever internalizing there's still every bit
a borderline they still have borderline personality and what that really means
and yes it's a response to adverse childhood experiences i'm always saying
but it also means that they will not be able to love you
they will not be able to attach to you they don't know who they
are so it's it's just a different manifestation that people equate with
well they're not so bpd then it's different for for classic acting
out borderlines or quiet borderlines it's different for each individual how
impacted they are or not but i got a question recently
from a client well but like but like does the quiet borderline split too
because because what they said to me was i've
read a lot on you know those websites out there where everybody in their
mother's dog is answering questions now um
and then they're all they're often not accurate information that
these people are giving right so so this client said because i've read a lot on
you know whatever the site um and people bp writing over there and they're saying
well you know but like i have quite bpd so i don't
split on anybody else what see lots of people there bpd
they're all in different places and high percentage of them are still
they might be undiagnosed they might be diagnosed they might know they might be
in denial they're not treatment that quiet borderline
the difficulty the aspects of the difference with all
of what that is but it is still it is still borderline personality
person for mostly and like i said it doesn't mean ergo and
south facto they're vulnerable narcissists
i don't know people in their codependency are drowning
in reading endlessly the most speculative
unreliable information and probably listening to some on youtube too but
these sites where everybody's writing all this stuff so people bpd
on a couple of sites where all these people do all this writing
say well i have quiet bp so i don't split on anybody else
so somehow that means they're what better than the uh
the acting out borderline no they're having the same experience in
life as the acting outboard line they're having the same they have the
same lacquer cell the same inability to attach
the same inability to love the same relational difficulties
that borderline personality presents for not only people with it but anybody
around them trying to relate to them so when when a quiet borderline writes
online somewhere but i don't split on anybody else i
split on myself shake your head what and
and realize that can't be accurate because they feel like they're splitting
on themselves because they're internalizing it and
experiencing it but splits don't happen until triggers
happen and where do triggers come from well i'm
not saying somebody with bpd couldn't sit around think of something
and then get triggered by that and be emotionally disregulated
quiet or acting out but triggers come from
well no they don't come from other people
but triggers are perceived as coming from other people
so people of bpd get less triggered when they're alone even if they have
quiet bpd if triggered at all you could be
triggered by a movie triggered by a tv show i don't trigger by video
um somebody in a really nice way on the channel today left a comment who has bpd
and they seem to be working through things by the second comment i mean like
by the second comment it became evident that they're
working on themselves uh the first the first thing was you know they they
thought a lot of what i said in a certain video
was um not the information was good oh it's just a
darn title was horrible don't you know so
they said the title was way too much i think it was my
uh video did a few years ago it's on my community page right now so i want to
remind people i'm flipping up older videos so on the
community page go to my channel hit community you can
scroll down and find some videos you might not have found yet
because i'm buried under the algorithm always have been always will be
that's life that's fine that video was uh
borderline i think it was borderline love is not love at all
and so the person said that title is really too much that title is just
and then there's people say because i use the word borderline in a title i'm
stigmatizing no you can only fit so much on a
thumbnail you know so but the thing is people with quiet
bpd are not vulnerable narcissists and they're not less bpd some might not
be as severely impacted as others it's like the acting out borderline
so i said that already just want to re-emphasize
so where are codependents getting into trouble with this immensely in their
lives first of all it's hard to know that
you're with somebody with quiet bpd right
until you start to figure some stuff out and that's painful it doesn't make him a
vulnerable narcissist though and on the other side of that
is the reality that people with codependency
and a high um degree upset because not everybody's codependency is
the same or in the same place either no monolithic groups of labels
out here that fit all people in said label which i really think we
need to look at more humanistically with human context but the point
is people with a certain amount to a severe amount of
codependency will always attribute are
continually attributing to themselves that they got ghosted
or or the relationship couldn't work out because
of something they did it has to be their fault
and guess what a lot of these people have in common and this might be true
for you or it might not be they have a cluster b
parent they have a borderline or bpd np
comorbid parent like i have a mother like that uh no contact
and all like you know years ago but so
the oneness in childhood that is the roots of codependency
is directly connected to your pursuit and you're blaming yourself endlessly at
infinitum constantly focused on even maybe weeks months and for some
people a year or more later
well if i'd have said this instead of that wouldn't that quiet bpd still be
with me then would they have still ghosted me then
and i've said this many different ways right but it bears repeating it's not
your fault and then there's the inevitable comparisons between and you
might be doing this well their last relationship was a year
long and the relationship before that they
said was a year and a half long and then they had another relationship
it was eight months long i got ghosted in three weeks i got
ghosted people say i got ghosted in three months i got
ghosted in five months i got ghosted in six months
how come they could predate better as if that means they related better to
exes than me people will say
or so there's that side of the what-if thing and the questioning
and that's just people with codependency kind of like an ostrich you know i don't
know if they actually do this but whatever
dig in a deeper hole to sit ahead in too right you're hurting yourself
and that comes from somewhere in your childhood and something in
your inner emotional landscape where you have woundedness that is in your
subconscious still that you need to get into a healing recovery process
to deal with because the no closure with the quiet borderline that you're forever
and maybe you're one of those people right now forever holding yourself on
the hook it's your fault and you can't seem to get away from all
those thoughts and their thought distortions and it's
not logical but it hurts
you didn't cause it and how long the relationship was with the last x or
somebody else before has no meaning whatsoever the other
thing that was put to me recently by a client was well but you know i see these
people out there they say they got bpd and they're happily married and they've
been married for 30 years 20 years 25 years 40 years
what does that mean some people will get treatment therapy
and very small percentage of relationships
will work better a lot of people with bpd and codependency will stay together
and it's no fun and it's not a healthy relationship
and on the other side of that when the quiet bpd's
ghosted you and you think it's your fault when it's not your fault
because only if i would have said this or not done that there woulda could only
the iphone leaves the shit of shit it wouldn't it couldn't i wish i didn't but
i didn't you were an impossible situation and you
need to help yourself out of these thought loops now
so the thing is on the other side of that is so they usually be happy with
the next person right and the next person they're going to be
like with a year or five years or they'll be like some of these people
i've been reading about on these you know quote sites whatever
that they'll be together for 20 years with somebody and i'll miss it on all
the good stuff this is just not logical thinking i want
to reassure you today people bpd don't go from one
relationship where they goes to another and all of a
sudden what they're they're not bpd anymore they're going to
be relationally averagely mentally healthy
no not at all let me assure you so it's a little bit more about the
quiet bpd and the thought distortions the
cognitive distortions the mind traps the
um woulda coulda shoulda if only i didn't this if only i had done that
the codependent's endless need yes you heard me right
need to blame and hurt self and focus on that quiet bp that ghosted
you because why because codependents externalize
out stuff create drama and more pain for themselves
hold other people's feelings as more important than their own
over give rescue etc but can't get people off their mind after being
ghosted even after a long time time that you could be spending focusing
on yourself and healing your codependency and getting closure
and a healing recovery journey which i help clients with
instead of focusing endlessly on the quiet bpd or the high functioning quiet
bpd that people either think is a vulnerable narcissist
or kind of doesn't really have bpd at all really because you know
it must be bpd light and neither is true the answer for you today is that you
need to focus on yourself and it isn't going to be easy and it
isn't going to feel possible and you got to make that difficult choice
so the quiet borderline the discouraged type is getting
more stigmatized by the day by all this stuff
and don't feel guilty about that if you're a codependent
because you know who's stigmatizing the quiet borderline the most right now
yeah the people with quiet bp writing online things like i
only split on myself i don't split on anybody else
people that are misrepresenting their relationships is happy
like even if they're long term unlikely until unless they get significant
treatment so if you're codependent today and you've been ghosted by a quiet bpd
and you're wondering about all this stuff
well if you'd like to work with me i'm out here i could help you with that
but the number one thing you need to do today is is is
stop that focus minute by minute by minute
and i had a client recently who said that another person that they were
working with another psychologist recommended to them
that they get a couple of books on bpd you know kind of the trendiest latest
couple of books and i said to them well those are great
books but i think you'd be better off reading a book about codependency
so where's your focus today and what's up with all this confusion about the
quiet bpd and why do people think when you read
these websites and or listen to some youtubers when
they describe quiet bp i don't split on anybody but myself
it's not true you're getting fed misinformation and it adds to confusion
i hope that was helpful to somebody today take care