IT TAKES WORK TO HAVE A
GOOD MARRIAGE.
WORK IS ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE DO IN
THEIR MARRIAGE.
NOT WHAT YOU GET.
TODAY IN RELATIONSHIP REBOOT
WE FIND OUT WHY MARRIAGE ISN'T
SOMETHING YOU HAVE, IT IS
SOMETHING YOU DO.
OUR RELATIONSHIP REBOOT IS
JOINING US NOW.
YOU ARE A COUPLE'S THERAPIST.
TALK US THROUGH THIS ACTION
WITH MARRIAGE.
ONE THING I SEE A LOT THAT
HAPPENS A LOT IS PEOPLE REACH A
STATE OF, IT IS AS IF MARRIAGE
IS A STATE OF BEING.
WE ARE ALIVE.
WE ARE MARRIED.
WHAT HAPPENS IS WE ARE NOT
MARRIED.
THAT'S THE PIECE WHERE IT IS
IMPORTANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO
THE FACT THAT MARRIAGE IS LIKE
ALMOST EVERY DAY YOU WAKE UP
THINKING WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP
AND STRENGTHEN MY MARRIAGE.
YOU NEED TO DO WATERING AND
PLANTING AND PRUNING.
I WAS THINKING OF A PLANT
METAPHOR HERE TODAY.
NICE WORK.
THANK YOU.
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE YOUR
THERAPIST.
I'M A REALLY BAD GARDENER.
YOU HAVE FOUR THINGS PEOPLE
SHOULD BE PREPARED TO DO.
THE FIRST ONE IS LEARNING ABOUT
YOURSELF.
ONE REALLY IMPORTANT THING
ABOUT BEING IN A MARRIAGE IS
YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOU ARE
RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING YOU
BRING TO THE MARRIAGE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T ACT LIKE
THAT.
THEY SPEND TIME THINKING ABOUT
HOW MUCH BETTER THINGS WOULD BE
IF ONLY YOU WOULD SAY THIS OR
DO THAT OR REMEMBER THIS OR
FORGET THAT.
NEXT, LEARN ABOUT YOUR
SPOUSE.
WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE THEY
ON A DEEPER LEVEL?
DO THEY PREFER PARTIES?
ARE THEY ALWAYS LATE?
WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO THEY
HAVE THAT MIGHT BUMP UP AGAINST
CHARACTERISTICS YOU HAVE?
WHICH LEADS US TO THE THIRD
PIECE.
WHICH IS LEARNING THE DYNAMICS
OF THE RELATIONSHIP.
SO IMPORTANT.
EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN.
THEY CAN SHIFT.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN -- I'LL
GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE FROM MY
MARRIAGE.
THE WAY I THINK OF CLEANING A
KITCHEN COUNTER IS THE REALLY
THAN THE WAY MY HUSBAND THINKS
OF CLEANING THE COUNTER.
EVERYTHING IS WIPED BUT THE
BUTTER IS LEFT OVER HERE WITH
THE TOP OFF OR SOMETHING.
I COME IN AND SEE THE BUTTER.
I THINK I'M SEEING THE BUTTER,
WHY DOESN'T HE SEE THE BUTTER?
HE MAY NOT SEE IT.
HE MAY HAVE HAD SOMETHING ELSE
ON HIS MIND.
THOSE DETAILS MAY NOT OCCUR TO
HIM.
HE MAY BE THINKING OF SOMETHING
ELSE.
EITHER I CAN GET REALLY MAD
EACH TIME OR I CAN SAY I'LL
JUST PUT THE BUTTER AWAY.
IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL.
OR I CAN SAY, HONEY, COULD YOU
PUT AWAY THE BUTTER?
THE PROBLEM COMES -- THIS IS
WHERE EXPECTATIONS COMES IN --
THE FOURTH PIECE IS ADJUST YOUR
EXPECTATIONS.
I'M EXPECTING HE IS GOING TO
LOOK AT THE WORLD THE WAY I DO,
THEN I'M DOOMED TO FAILURE.
I'M GOING TO BE MAD AT HIM ALL
THE TIME.
THIS IS ONE THING I WORK ON
WHEN I WORK WITH COUPLES IS
THIS IDEA THAT THERE IS A
CERTAIN AMOUNT OF CHANGE THAT
YOU EXPECT IN A MARRIAGE THAT
IS NOT BAD TO EXPECT AS PEOPLE
GROW OLDER AND YOU GROW
CONNECTED.
YOU CAN EXPECT YOUR SPOUSE TO
CHANGE.
YOU CAN EXPECT YOURSELF TO
CHANGE.
THERE IS A PIECE AROUND
ACCEPTANCE.
ACCEPTANCE IS WHERE THE
EXPECTATIONS PIECE COMES IN.
MAKE SURE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
AREN'T SO HIGH THAT YOU ARE
DISAPPOINTED AND ANGRY ALL THE
TIME.
ONE MAJOR REASON MARRIAGES
FAIL IS BECAUSE OF
EXPECTATIONS.
SEVERAL HUNDRED YEARS AGO
MARRIAGE WAS AN ECONOMIC
AGREEMENT.
PEOPLE GOT MARRIED.
IT IS CONSIDERED A BUILDING
BLOCK OF SOCIETY.
PEOPLE GET MARRIED.
THEY HAVE FAMILIES.
THIS IS HOW WE CREATE A
COMMUNITY WHICH CREATES A
SOCIETY.
OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS WE ARE
LOOKING AT A LOT MORE.
THERE IS ROMANTIC LOVE.
WE WANT A GREAT SEX LIFE.
WE WANT KIDS WE ARE PROUD OF.
WE WANT TO FIND EMOTIONAL
SUPPORT.
THERE IS ALL THESE EXPECTATIONS
WE BRING IN THE MARRIAGE.
MANY OF THEM MIGHT BE ABLE TO
BE MET.
A LARGE PART IS WHAT WE ARE
CREATING, TOO.
IF WHAT WE WANT IS AN EMOTION
NO INTIMATE CONNECTION WITH OUR
SPOUSE WE NEED TO DO THE WORK
TO DO THAT.
WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO THE
WORK PIECE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE ARE READY TO GET TO
WORK.