- Are you tired, bloated, pimply,
and constantly self-conscious?
- I don't know, am I?
- Do you feel weighed down by all the toxins
and excess weight that your body's carrying?
- I guess I hadn't really thought about that.
- Hi I'm Roger and yes,
I think you have thought about it.
Which is why you should try
Horton's Drinkable Salad Detox Cleanse.
(soft guitar music)
I'm sure you've heard of us.
We've placed sponsored ads all over your social media
feeds and pay celebrities to post pictures
of themselves enjoying our product.
The intention is to make you believe
that our Drinkable Salads are the key to real happiness.
It's pretty simple.
You'll agree to stop feeding yourself food
for some amount of time and in exchange
you'll pay exorbitant amounts of money
for a bunch of different juices for every meal.
- Oh, it tastes like spicy grass!
- Many people believe that detox cleansing leads
to improved mood, better digestion, clearer skin,
weight loss and general sense of well-being.
But, ya know, many people believe all kinds of things,
that doesn't make it true.
You definitely won't experience any of these
benefits while you're cleansing.
That's because depriving yourself of food
will cause you to be a train wreck.
The surge in sugar you're consuming will lead
to wild emotional vacillations,
and for you regular coffee drinkers out there,
the sudden depravation of caffeine
is going to feel like quitting smoking,
with all the irritability that implies.
- There's kale in this, kale was never supposed
to be a thing you drink, it should barely
be a thing that you eat.
- Honestly, the whole idea of a detox is pretty misleading.
Our bodies naturally detox themselves,
that's what our kidney, liver, lungs and skin are for.
But hey, everyone else is doing it so it's worth a shot.
For just a significant amount of money,
you will receive a variety of Drinkable Salads composed
of premasticated vegetables and mashed up fruit packaged
in non eco friendly containers.
And you can trust me when I say
that they taste totally fine.
Imagine celery and apples that you can drink for breakfast!
Do you like roasted chicken,
mashed potatoes and a small salad?
Well, now imagine drinking beets mixed
with some nuts instead of that!
Plus, some tasty alkaline water.
I don't remember why we call it that or what it's supposed
to do or if it does what it's supposed to do
but it's six to nine dollars a bottle.
- Jesus (beep) Christ.
- Each bottle of Horton's Drinkable Salad contains
four to eight servings of produce
which is obviously way too much,
but the process of juicing removes all its insoluble fiber
so it won't feel like you've consumed anything.
- But what is the pos--
- Ah, I know exactly what you're going to ask.
What is the possibility that I'm going to be
(beep) water constantly.
- I wasn't.
- High, it's very high, it's almost a certainty.
- I was gonna ask what the positive side was,
but that seems less important right now.
- Speaking of less, that brings me to the amount
of nutritional value our blended fruit
and vegetable slurpees provide, less.
Less than you're used to.
Also, you'll experience breakouts, body aches,
flatulence, bloating, constipation and/or diarrhea
and deep body aches, so I wouldn't recommend going
to work or attending any social engagements.
- [Woman] Way ahead of you.
- However, if you can tough it out till day three
of your voluntary poop torture,
you might experience feelings of euphoria
and heightened senses!
Our certified nutritionist says that this is a natural
byproduct of the detoxification process,
but I'm pretty sure it's just that you are literally
starving to death because our
Drinkable Salad Detox cleanse brings
your caloric intake down to under 1,000 calories a day
which sends you into starvation mode.
Starvation Mode is when your body shuts down
in order to preserve calories and fat stores,
burning muscle mass instead.
Don't worry, our cleanse floods your body
with diuretics so you'll still lose weight.
It'll just be water weight, and you'll most likely
gain it back as soon as you eat a real meal.
- I can't wait to have a real meal again.
I'm gonna get a big ole (beep) off cheeseburger
and just murder it.
- Be careful when reintroducing food into your diet.
Severe calorie restriction can permanently slow down
your metabolism, so you may just need to eat
less calories in general.
Plus, reintroducing solid foods immediately
after consuming nothing but liquids?
That's what we call a bowel game changer.
- What?
- One more word of caution since you're going
to be peeing and (beep) just so much water,
you'll likely to become quite dehydrated.
Essentially, you are buying dysentry.
But our dysentry comes in pretty colors with cool,
instagrammable packaging so that's neat.
Want me to get a picture of you drinking it?
Gorgeous, #livingmybestlife,
#juicelife, #beachbod.
#onedaydownfivetogo.
- [Woman] (beep) five.
- So, if you are ready to be successful,
beautiful, desired and toxin free
try Horton's Drinkable Salad Detox Cleanse.
It isn't easy, but if you want to be loved
and live a long, fulfilling life with a trim waistline
and glowing skin, stop being a baby and suck it up.
Oh, thata girl, get them likes.