- You guys ever leave the house without headphones?
Whoo! (audience laughs)
Thoughts are not good.
(audience laughs)
My God, this whole time I thought I loved music,
turns out I just hate my brain.
(audience laughs)
Just being attacked all day long
with this insecurity playlist on shuffle.
"What are you doin' with your life? You drink too much!
You're gonna die alone. You call that a penis?"
(Mark groans) (audience laughs)
Bad head, my brain is evil. It attacks me.
It's like a bully, you know?
I'll be at a party, hangin' out.
Everybody's having a good time, talkin'.
My brain's like, "Hey, you weirdo, you're bein' too quiet.
Everybody's wondering why you're such a quiet weirdo.
Come on, get in there. Say somethin' you lunatic.
Come on, you freak! Jump in, you psycho!
Come on! Get in there!"
You finally say something you bring goes, "Woo!
That's what you picked?"
(Mark groans) (audience laughs)
I actually bumped into a girl on the street recently
in Manhattan that I used to, you know,
(audience laughs)
bang. (audience laughs)
She was a fun gal,
a real Tomcat in the sack, real firecracker.
But she would always say things in bed
that would just kinda backfire.
Like I remember one time she looked me right in the eye.
She goes, "Around me, I never wanna see your penis soft."
And I know she was tryin' to sound hot
but it just came off as terrifying.
(audience laughs)
I felt like I was in a boxing movie.
I was like, "Come on, buddy. Don't go down.
Hang in there.
You can do it, a couple more rounds. Come on!"
I gotta be honest, ladies.
Once she said that, I had to end it with her.
I had to stop seein' her 'cause, ladies, you gotta realize:
The soft penis, that's who guys really are, all right?
That's the real guy deep down. Everybody loves a *****.
But that's not the real you, right? That's the cool guy.
That's you when you turn it on.
That's you at a job interview or a cocktail party.
I'm the guy who likes to sit at home
on the couch eatin' potato chips.
That's a flacid penis.
(audience laughs)
You see what I'm sayin'? The boner's amazing!
I have way more in common with my soft, wrinkly,
disgusting flacid penis than I ever will with my erection.
My boner's strong, confident, got great posture.
I'm nervous, insecure, and squishy.
(audience laughs)
Ladies, you can't tell a guy that. Come on!
You can't tell a guy, "Hey, I never wanna see you soft."
That's like me telling a girl, "Hey,
I never wanna see you without makeup."
My ***** is my mascara. It's all I have.
(audience laughs)
Oh, boy. I wish that wasn't true.
(audience laughs)
I gotta tell ya, this might be the best I've ever done.
(audience laughs)
I do not go over all the time so this is nice.
Yeah, I think my problem with the ladies is I want y'all
to like me.
That's my problem.
You gals, you're a tough nut to crack
'cause you're all different.
That's the thing, you know? Some girls like a nice guy.
Some girls like jerks. So how do you know?
What I do, I do both.
I see an attractive lady,
I open the door for and I say "After you, fatty."
(audience laughs)
Mix it up. Cover your bases, you know?
(audience laughs)
But, you know, and these are all just jokes about women.
I love the ladies. I try to be a good feminist.
I do which is tough nowadays 'cause some women are feminists
and some women aren't so, as a guy,
how do I know how to act?
You know, like, some girls,
you open the door for 'em and they're like, "Wow,
a gentlemen, thank you very much."
Other girls, you open the door for them,
they're like, "What?
You think I can't open my own door?"
I'm like, "Well, hey, I'm just tryin' to bang you.
(audience laughs)
Geez Louise. How'd we get here?
Good lord." (audience laughs)
I used to work as a janitor.
That was a rough gig, moppin' floors, cleanin' bathrooms.
I worked at this swanky law office in Midtown.
Nobody looked me in the eye. Nobody talked to me.
I remember one day I was mopping the floor
and a businessman slipped and he goes, "Jesus, man!
If the floor is wet, you gotta put a sign down."
I'm like, "I'm mopping in front of you.
(audience laughs)
I am the sign.
(audience laughs)
You know the little guy on the sign doin' this?
(audience laughs)
That's me but in 3D.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
Oh, boy.
The worst part was that my boss chewed me out after.
He's like, "Come on, Mark.
You're embarrassing me out there."
I'm like, "You're embarrassed? I went to college.
Let me have this one."
You know, then he'd say stuff to me like, "Hey,
where'd you learn how to mop?"
"I don't know, 'Fantasia?'
(audience laughs)
Who learns mopping, you know?"
I hate the day job. I hate it.
I've had so many office gigs.
I don't fit in at an office setting.
You gotta be very PC, very appropriate.
I'm not a PC guy. I'm a comedian, you know?
Last day job I was talkin' to this guy at the front desk.
I was delivering the mail and I was like, "Hey, man,
what's the name of that new guy on the fifth floor,
the really tall black guy?"
And this guy goes, "Whoa.
I don't see color."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Really? Did you really just say that?
Did that really just come outta your face?"
(audience laughs)
So I looked this guy right in the eye and I was like,
"Hey, man, it's cool.
I'm black." (audience laughs)
And he was like, "No, you're not." I'm like, "Aha!"
(audience laughs)
Gettin' older is tough.
Everything kinds starts fallin' apart when
you get older, you know?
About a year ago I got paranoid about losin' my hair,
started taking Propecia, could not get an erection.
You remember, sir? (chuckles) Right?
(audience laughs)
This girl I was dating at the time was like, "Hey,
you gotta get off those pills.
I'd rather you have an erection than hair,"
which is nice to hear
but that only makes sense when you're dating somebody.
It doesn't work in the beginning.
Like, if I was a bald guy that hit on her at a bar, like,
"Hey, can I buy you a drink?" She's like, "I'm good."
I'm like, "Oh, I have a *****."
(audience laughs)
Yeah. Hair loss is scary, man.
I dunno if women realize how much guys
think about that, ya know?
I was tellin' my friend, I'm like,
"I'm worried my hair's gonna thin."
My friend goes, "I know what you're goin' through, buddy.
I'm goin' gray."
I was like, "Well,
changing colors a lot different than losing something."
That'd be like if I said "Yeah,
I went to the beach the other day, shark attack.
I lost my leg."
My friend's like, "I feel you, man, tan line."
(audience laughs)
I don't get the whole homophobia thing. That's a weird one.
Any homophobes here?
(audience laughs)
I did some shows in the south recently.
I was talking to this guy after the show.
I told him I had a friend of mine who's gay.
This guy goes, "You have a gay friend?
(Mark winces)
I wouldn't even shake a gay man's hand."
I was like, "Jesus Christ, why not?"
He goes, "You know how many dick are on that hand?"
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Well, ya shook my hand.
Are ya okay with my dick?"
(audience laughs)
'Cause there's a lot
of interaction between the two, all right?
Yeah. Wow.
That is terrible logic.
"You know who else touches a lotta *****? Women.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, man. They put 'em all over.
You're screwed, can't touch anything now. Come on."
(audience laughs)
I don't know.
I think homophobia can actually be kinda dangerous, ya know?
A friend of mine, he's kind of a tough guy.
He went skydiving recently. He's like, "Yeah.
I'm not strappin' some guy to my back. That's super gay."
(Mark chuckles)
Now he's dead.
(audience laughs)
It is Amazon Prime Day, whatever that means.
I still can't get over that divorce,
most expensive one in history and, you know,
I'm not surprised
that Jeff Bezos was seeing someone who was close
with his wife because, you know, classic Amazon.
"If you like this, here's something similar you might like."
(audience laughs) (audience cheers)
Yeah. All right.
Yeah. They got a new box!
But, all right. (audience cheers)
They let you pick your seat on a plane.
I think I'd rather pick the person I'm sitting next to.
I don't really care where I am on the plane.
It's like a five hour relationship.
Make it more like a dating app.
Obese Nazi with a service dog? Swipe left.
(audience laughs)
Tiny Asian lady with a surgical mask? That's my gal.
(audience laughs)
Yes, she is not a talker, right?
But, just like a dating app, she shows up with a baby.
I'm like, "Gah, I got catfished."
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I learned the hard way too,
that girls like when a guy has a plan ready for the day,
he's got something planned out, which,
how did guys get stuck with that chore, right?
I had a girl ask me out once. We show up.
We meet. She's like, "Hey, what are we doin'?"
I'm like, "I don't know. What are we doin'?"
(audience laughs)
She's like, "You didn't plan anything?
I'm like, "No. Did you?"
She's like, "No."
I'm like, "Well then, you're just as worthless as me.
Why do I have to figure it out? I believe in equal rights.
Can't we work on this together?"
And she was like, "Well,
it's very manly when a guy plans a date."
"No, it's not, just convenient for you.
How's that manly? Chopping wood is manly.
Wrestling a bear is manly.
There's nothing manly but Googling tapas and bistros."
Come on, ladies. You got the right to vote in 1920.
Let's use that on restaurants, huh?
I don't know where to go.
What, 'cause I have a dick I'm "Zagat?" Help me out.
What the hell?
(audience laughs)
Manly? Come on.
I've noticed women only call things manly when they like it
about a guy.
"Oh, he pays for dinner. He protects me and stuff."
I'm like, "Oh, he wants to bang my friends, going bald.
He's so manly."
(Mark growls)
When I do get outta the house I like to go to a park
by my house.
I love the parks. I went over to Fenn's in Boston today.
That was a lot of characters over there.
That's what I love about the parks in this country.
The park is the only place you can see people tryin'
to better their lives
and people who have completely given up.
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?
Where else can you see jogging and heroin?
(audience laughs)
It's every walk of life.
It's like gutter punk, hobo, dead body, field trip.
Hey, (audience laughs)
love goin' to the park.
Where else can you see a guy feeding a squirrel next
to a guy arguing with one?
(audience laughs)
Good times at the park, yes.
Last time I went to a park, I saw a gay rights rally.
That was pretty cool. Any gay guys here?
(audience laughs)
Well, that is statistically impossible.
(audience laughs)
Come on. Where are ya, buddy?
I'll find ya, huh?
Right now there's some guy's sittin' next
to his girlfriend going, "(scoff), What's he talking about?"
(audience laughs)
I love the gays. I'm a big fan.
Gay guys are the best. They're nothing but perks.
You know, they're nonviolent.
They fix up neighborhoods
and they're generally smart people.
You never really meet an ignorant gay guy.
You never meet a gay guy who's like,
(Mark imitates spitting)
"I only love three things: My truck, my gun, and dick."
(audience laughs)
Ya never hear that, ya know?
And, yeah, I had a guy say to me once, "Hey, Mark,
you like gays so much, but what if you had a gay son?"
I wouldn't mind havin' a gay son.
Havin' a gay son's like finding a french fry
in your onion rings.
(audience laughs)
You know, you're like, "Well, it's not what I expected,
but I like these too."
(audience laughs) Oh, yeah.
I'm on board with gay marriage.
I like gay marriage and I'll tell you why.
I like gay marriage 'cause it's that one big issue you can
be honest about and still look like a good person.
Let me explain.
Like if somebody says, "Hey, man.
How'd you feel about that earthquake in Haiti?"
"I don't care, doesn't affect my life."
"Wow. What a dick."
But if somebody says, "Hey, man"
how do you feel about gays getting married?"
"I don't care, doesn't affect my life."
"You got the right attitude,
(audience laughs)
very progressive, open-minded."
I like that guy.
(upbeat music)