- I need you so bad
- And I need to be needed.
- I don't need this.
- Mended Light. (upbeat music)
Hello and welcome to Ask the Therapist
used to be therapist singular
now it's plural.
And I'm so excited
to have members of our therapeutic team with us today.
Joining us is Chase Brewer and Jessica Moneo
tell our fans who you are
and what you specialize in.
- Again, I'm Chase Brewer
and I specialize in the healing
from infidelity, trauma and relationships.
- I'm Jessica and my areas of specialty
are in particular healing from childhood trauma
inner child work, attachment wounds
and of course healing from infidelity
that we all specialize in as a team.
- I'm just like so giddy that they're here.
Okay, we're gonna talk
about codependent relationships, yay codependency.
Codependency is, people throw that word around a lot
and then I don't think
a lot of people know exactly what it is.
Codependency is one person desperately needs the other
the other person desperately needs to be needed
like they like to fulfill that role.
And this can bring people to some really unhealthy patterns.
So, leading outta the gate
any experiences with codependency
or being in a codependent relationship
let's get vulnerable and real right out of the gate.
- So one thing I like to identify
is knowing what your partner's behavior is
and if you're excusing that behavior
because you feel that need to be needed.
You may overlook that behavior
that poor behavior.
- So how do I know if I'm in a codependent relationship?
One, do I excuse a lot of things
- Right - Because I can't
bear the thought of
if I call them out
they might leave me - Right.
- And then I'm alone - Exactly.
- How do you think
this is a question for both of you
how do you think this plays into abuse patterns?
- You begin to allow things
that you begin to be okay with
that you excuse like
oh this happened just once
it may not happen again.
But then it happens again
and then you excuse
that behavior again. - Yeah.
- And before you realize it
it's carried over into a habit.
- Things that you never thought
you would tolerate. - Exactly, exactly.
- Yeah I think exactly like you said it's like
you kinda start putting up with it
a little bit at a time
and then you get a couple months in
or down the road and you're like whoa, wait a second
like what the heck? - Yeah.
- Why am I tolerating this?
I know I shouldn't be
which I mean then leads to boundaries and all that
which is a whole other conversation.
But yeah it's all a sudden
okay, I'm tolerating or excusing things
that I know I shouldn't
because I don't wanna lose my relationship.
- Yeah. - Right.
- And I end up blaming myself
I think is what happens a lot
is I get into this head space of
if I'm the problem then I can fix it.
And I want to believe that the person that I'm with is safe
and that they're trustworthy and reliable
so that if they're abusive or if they're mean
or if they raise their voice
or if they get violent with me
that that's not who they are. - Right.
- That the only reason they're acting like that
is because of me. - Yeah.
- Again, if it's my fault
then I can fix it.
But what if I actually stare in the face
know their behavior is their responsibility.
Then I'm with an unsafe person.
And I can't bear the thought of being alone.
So now I'm facing up to
I'm in an abusive relationship.
That's a bridge too far
for a lot of people - Yeah.
Well and I think
I mean for somebody like me
who spent 14 years working with kids
then I start looking at it through the lens of childhood
and while if that was a pattern in your house
when you were young
that there's a fear of abandonment, rejection
or feeling like things are your fault
which we know kids are narcissistic
in that sense - Yeah.
- That they think it's about them
adult behavior they start,
they see as a reflection of them
or their worth.
Then we tend to see that play out
in adult relationships where it's like
okay, - Yeah.
- Now I'm thinking
well if my partner's acting like this
it must be because of me.
So I need to change my behavior.
- Right, it really shapes one's belief system.
- Yeah - And it really affects
one's self worth.
- I'm so used to taking ownership
of this sort of thing, right.
So, you mentioned childhood attachment, right?
And if people are
if children grow up insecurely attached
and they're used to
being blamed for a parent's behavior
or they're used to
trying to fix things
and make things right for the parent.
I've something I've noticed a lot
is that we recreate even subconsciously
past situations where we try to win.
So I, when I was growing up
I didn't have a romantic type
like blonde hair, red hair, brown hair
green eyes, blue eyes.
Like I didn't,
none of that really mattered
I was just attracted to
whoever I was attracted to.
And then I fell in love in college
with a girl who was like five foot one
brown hair, brown eyes
and this petite young woman
and broke my heart.
Like I wanted to marry her
it didn't work
so I was just devastated.
And then, the next three people I dated
were petite brown hair, brown eyes.
And I thought
well this is just my type
but I kept getting my heart broken
and I realized something
I'm like, hold on
am I recreating this
where I'm trying to win?
And this plays into for a lot of people
why do people who've been abused as children
get into abusive relationships?
You would think that they would just run from it
and flee from it.
Well there's a subconscious need
like if I can get the approval
or the love of this type of person
then it's like I can heal all this
that came before. - Yeah.
- Like that's the subconscious.
Do you think that's a wise play?
Why or why not?
- I mean, no.
(both Jonathan and Jessica chuckling)
I think to kinda piggyback on that too is
the nervous system
likes what's familiar.
Like it feels comfortable
when it's familiar so - Yeah.
- It's like oh I witnessed this
type of behavior in my home
I'm used to that.
That's what felt normal when I was a kid
so that's what I
like subconsciously seek out
in relationships as an adult - Yeah.
- So it's like
kind of a two-four
that we're trying to heal
like you said we're trying to
okay if I can do it this time
if I can win then I can heal.
But also, well my nervous system feels
safe in this. - Yeah.
- Because it's familiar
and the problem with that
and I see it all the time with my clients
I've experienced in my own life
is what's familiar
is not always what's best or healthiest.
It's often what's toxic
or unhealthy or repeating negative patterns.
So yeah my initial thought is no
that's not a healthy way
to try to heal.
- Yeah I think it's far better to like
so for me I said
hang on, I'm gonna stop trying to recreate this
and I'm going to start looking at
who is the best fit for me, right.
Alicia is six inches taller
and she's got green eyes
so I broke the cycle. No but what it really comes down to
back to the original question of
are you in a codependent relationship?
So many love songs, so many movies, so many poems
I can't live without you.
I can't survive.
I can't breathe.
And it's very romantic
and it captures like this adolescent angst.
But at the same time, Jerry Maguire
"You complete me," is romantic
but I don't think that's healthy.
You supplement me
as far less romantic
but it's much more indicative
of a healthy relationship.
So to the point of
are you in a codependent relationship?
Do you feel like
you can't survive without this person?
Do you feel like you can't function
without their approval?
You can't function unless things are good.
I mean it is normal to feel stress
if your relationship is undergoing stress
it's another thing entirely
to completely shut down.
It's another thing entirely where
you can't take care of your own needs, right.
It's so healthy to be an individual person
with your own wants, your own desires, your own abilities.
and then to bring someone to share that with
than to be I am wholly reliant on you for everything.
The other side of that is
the person who is depended on.
Why do you think people get into this place of
I need to be needed, right?
It's one thing to be wanted
or it's nice to have a purpose
but I think that's carried to an extreme where
unless I'm needed by somebody
what am I doing with my life?
What are your thoughts?
- Well I'm not sure if this is
going into your question but
if I'm the spouse that I'm catered to, right.
Why would I want to change, right?
(all chuckling)
I like the type of relationship
that I have - Yeah.
- And so my behavior's gonna go unchanged
which can go into
my spouse feeling that the need to feel needed
and continue this unhealthy pattern.
- Yeah, over time that's gonna lead to resentment though.
The one who just gives and gives and gives and gives
at a certain point is, gonna stop.
Oh this is nice to meet my partner's needs
and just like hold the phone.
- Yeah - Right.
- Like I'm the one doing the heavy lifting on this.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And I always tell clients
if you start noticing
that like your needs
are always secondary
then it's like do a little reality check there.
- Right. - Because it's
- Yeah - And I tell couples
and I'm sure you guys do the same
that it's not your needs matter more
or my needs matter more.
It's our needs matter equally. - Yeah.
- And like how do we work together
to make sure we're both getting needs met?
- I would actually compliment
the clients that
see that because
they can then see that pattern of
oh yeah, I am putting other people's needs
before my own and
this needs to change.
- Well and some of that is love.
I mean there's,
you put another person's needs
before your own
that's that could be a beautiful thing.
Not carried to access.
What I like to say is
your needs matter more than mine can be healthy.
Your needs matter instead of mine
- Yeah - Is not.
- Yeah, yeah. - Right.
And your needs matter more than mine
only works if you're both trying
to do that for one another
you know what I mean?
Well and can this play out
this need to be needed outside
of just a single relationship?
Is this a pattern that can show up
in one person
but in several relationships that they have?
- Does that extend to your kids?
Does that extend to your neighbors
your church community - Yeah churches
- People asking favors of you? - People pleasing.
- Yeah, people pleasing
and we see it I'm sure like
I know I see it with my clients all the time
where that need to be needed
or sacrifice your own needs
goes outside of your relationship into like
you said with your kids
at work, family, friends
you're overextending yourself.
You're never saying no
which that's a whole other
- That's a whole, we should do a whole video on that.
- Yeah that's a whole other topic.
- I do think what matters on that though is
are you saying yes to people
are you helping people just 'cause you want to
or is it because
I get my worth from that?
So I can't say no
because then people will think less of me
and then I won't love myself, right.
If you truly love yourself
it's easy to say yes to things
it's also easy to say no to things like
I can't spread myself too thin.
I can't commit myself to that.
If you're struggling with self worth
you're gonna say yes to everything
because you feed off of that positive reinforcement.
Ooh this is gonna be a good video.
Let's do that next time. - Yeah.
Lots to dive into.
- If you enjoy this
Ask a Therapist video
check out how long should I date
before I get married?
That is, yep
that's right up there
right up there.
Check out that video.
Have you ever been in a codependent relationship?
What was that like?
Let us know in the comments below
and what questions would you like us
to respond to in these
Ask a Therapist segments.
We love doing this.
If you think you might be in a codependent relationship
and you need support
you can schedule with Chase
if you're in the state of Utah
you can schedule with Jessica
if you live anywhere in the world
the links are in the description below.
They are here to serve you
and they are badass
- And as always keep shining.
- Because we need your light.
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It's right here, click on it
love it, do it.