Let's kick things off with something
I saw today, and I just--
I have to talk about it, OK?
So last month, Bud Light did a social media
campaign with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney.
And conservatives absolutely lost their shit over it.
They were filming themselves shooting
cans, running over cans, hitting
cans with a baseball bat.
It was like a Saw movie, but starring Bud Light.
[laughter]
But now their meltdown has even its own merch.
[music playing]
NARRATOR: America presents Real Women of Politics.
(SINGING) Real women of politics.
Real women don't have to fake it.
Real women doing real things.
(SINGING) Real women work too hard for this.
Some big companies can't tell the difference
between real and fake anymore.
(SINGING) Real people know the difference.
That's why we're introducing the Real Women
of Politics koozie.
And if it covers up the label of a big woke company,
well, that works too.
(SINGING) Real Women of Politics.
What the [bleep]?
I mean, seriously, though, what the hell?
Like, I'm sorry, but can you really
imagine conservative men using this thing?
I mean, maybe as a pocket [bleep],, but that's it.
Well, I'm out fishing, so this Kay Ivey fleshlight
has got to get the job done.
[laughter]
I never thought I'd miss the old beer commercials.
I mean, sure, there were a lot of boobs.
But at least they weren't like, these boobs
are biological boobs.
This ad made no sense.
Like, what was going on with that woman
shoving a giant fish into a tiny box?
Is that something real women do?
It wasn't even near the sea.
It was, like, in a closet.
What is a fish even doing in a closet?
Even that actor had no idea what was going on.
She was like, please, tell me this is for porn
and not some weird Sarah Huckabee Sanders ad.
And this should be obvious, but I am so sick of this trans
women are not real women.
Having a vagina doesn't make you a woman.
Having a crippling fear that you're
using too many exclamation points in an email,
that is what makes you a woman.
[cheering]
All right, let's move on to the big story
rocking the media world today.
You know that stupid look that's always
on Tucker Carlson's face?
[laughter]
[cheering]
Well, today, he has a good reason for it.
This just in to CNN, Tucker Carlson is out at Fox News.
The right-wing network just announced
the two have parted ways.
CNN senior media reporter Oliver Darcy
is here with more on this.
What are you learning?
He was out on Friday.
Will we see him say goodbye?
We're not going to see him say goodbye.
This is really stunning news coming from Fox.
They say his last show was April 21.
They put out a very short statement.
They said they thank him for his service, and that's it.
That's all we know right now.
Wow.
I can't believe that a network that's
so opposed to gender-affirming surgery
just cut off their own dick.
[laughter]
[cheering]
Now, apparently, Tucker was forced out by Rupert Murdoch,
which is pretty ironic.
Tucker spent so many years saying
that Mexican people were coming to take our jobs away.
Turns out he should have been worrying about Australians.
[laughter]
And we still don't know exactly what
led Rupert Murdoch to fire his network's biggest star.
But reportedly he was concerned over Carlson's conspiracy
theories about January 6.
So let this be a lesson to everybody.
If you try to topple America's democracy,
you can stay on TV for two more years, and that's it.
[cheering]
That's it.
So whatever the reason was, Tucker's firing
is going to leave a huge white power vacuum at Fox.
And I'm glad he's gone.
But if I'm being honest, I'm also
a little nervous about what he's going to do next.
You know?
It's like after Papa John got fired,
you just knew he was out there somewhere,
working on a pizza that gives you even worse diarrhea.
[laughter]
By the way, Tucker Carlson isn't the only cable
news anchor to get the ax.
CNN just fired Don Lemon after 17 New
Year's Eve blackouts-- sorry--
years of service.
So it's been a tough day to be a news anchor on cable.
You-- sorry.
Sorry, what's that?
Oh.
Oh, I'm also being fired.
[laughter]
Oh, that was fast.
OK.
Guess I'll pack up my things.
Stapler, scissors, yeah, my photos.
Oh, my giant fish.
[laughter]
The box is too small.
Call me a girly girl.
You know what? [bleep] this.
I just got here.
I'm finishing this out.
[cheering]
Finish the show.
So let's move on to Twitter, the app
that even Quibi feels bad for.
Now, if you're not on Twitter, congratulations.
You're right.
But you may not know that Twitter
used to verify prominent accounts
with a blue checkmark.
So people wouldn't be fooled by some fake Desi Lydic crypto
scam and will instead go to my account to fall
for my real crypto scam.
[laughter]
Desi Coin-- I don't know how it works either.
[applause]
But a few days ago, Twitter owner Elon Musk
announced that if famous accounts want
a blue checkmark, they need to sign up for Twitter Blue
and pay $8 a month for it.
And so far, it's not going well.
Twitter's blue checkmark saga seemingly won't end.
After Elon Musk removed legacy verifications,
not many people seem too keen on buying Twitter Blue.
But in the past few days, those checkmarks
started popping up again, and with them,
a note saying that those users bought Twitter Blue.
But here's the problem.
Many insist they did not buy Twitter Blue.
Even the accounts of late celebrities like Pele or Kobe
Bryant say that they purchased Twitter Blue, even
though they passed away, of course,
long before its inception.
REPORTER: Even the account for the Auschwitz Memorial
clarified in a tweet that it, quote,
"never subscribed and paid for Twitter
Blue as it might be implied."
Wow.
You know your product has a bad reputation when the Auschwitz
Memorial is like, hey, can we table the Holocaust
Remembrance for a second?
Something worse just popped up.
That's right.
After nobody wanted to buy a blue check,
Elon decided to force it on big accounts against their will.
They even forced dead people to get it--
Pele, Kobe Bryant, Joe Biden.
I'm joking.
He's not dead.
Look at him.
Well, don't look at him, but he's not dead.
And the celebrities who are alive
are roasting Twitter Blue to their millions of followers.
Nobody wants this thing.
The blue checkmark is now Elon Musk's least popular product.
And this guy makes a car that runs over children.
[laughter]
Let's move on to some sad news for anyone
looking for a trashcan for their dorm room.
REPORTER: We turn now to the end of an era.
Another popular retailer going out of business, Bed Bath,
& Beyond, for decades a go-to for home and college dorm
supplies with those big blue coupons.
Well, it filed for bankruptcy yesterday.
The company announcing it will now
begin winding down operations.
REPORTER: The company says it will try to sell
some or all of its business.
Oh, no, where am I going to go to feel towels
before I buy them on Amazon?
[laughter]
For more on Bed, Bath, & Beyond's bankruptcy,
we turn to Roy Wood, Jr. live.
[cheering]
At a Bed, Bath, & Beyond.
Hey, Desi.
Hey.
Roy.
I'm there.
I'm here in the store.
What's the mood like there?
It's sad, Desi.
The employees are miserable.
Nobody's stocking the shelves.
And the customers look like they've given up on life.
It's pretty much a standard day here.
[laughter]
Wow.
You don't seem too upset that it's going out of business.
Are you kidding?
This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you know how many hours of my life
I've lost in this place, waiting for my girl
to pick out a blender?
[laughter]
Oh, this one's good for smoothies.
Hmm, but this one chops up shoes.
Just pick one!
The shit going to break in two days anyway.
I don't even want to be in the store with you.
I wish I'd have known that you was this type of shopper
before we even got together.
- Oh. - Sorry about that, Desi.
My bad.
It's fine.
Roy, putting aside the fact that you're
a whipped little bitch, what do you think--
[laughter]
--what do you think went wrong with Bed Bath, & Beyond?
What didn't go wrong?
First off-- first off, these coupons--
these coupons are insane.
Look at this.
Buy one, get eight free.
Free refrigerator with any purchase.
And this one, buy three can openers,
and we'll suck your [bleep].
[laughter]
What is this?
They'll suck it.
First off, which employee is doing the sucking?
[laughter]
And how does that make you money?
It just don't add up.
This store is too thirsty.
I don't want to shop at a store that's desperate like this.
I want to go to CVS.
I like shopping at a store that don't even want me there.
[laughter]
You walk in a CVS, and you are all alone.
CVS is practically daring you to find
a way to pay for your shit.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
They offered a lot of discounts.
But that's not enough to take down an entire retail chain,
is it?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It wasn't just that.
Also, Bed Bath, & Beyond--
they sold too much stuff.
Every time I walk in here, I see something that I
didn't even know existed.
Corncob holders, OK, but corncob holder holders?
George Foreman grills, Muhammad Ali fryers, Mike Tyson duvets.
They sell-- they sell wineglasses without stems.
Bitch, that's a cup!
[laughter]
And that's the important lesson here, Desi.
If you give people too many options--
oh, you ready for--
I got to-- I got to run, Desi.
I got to pay for these three can openers.
[laughter]
Roy, wait.
You're using that blowjob coupon?
No, I'm using a can opener coupon
because it's my birthday.
And on your birthday, you get a can opener.
Oh, Roy. Oh, Roy.
Roy Wood, Jr., everyone.