>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
THERE YOU GO!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I WANT TO GIVE MY WIFE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE.
YOU HAVE BEEN A ROCK THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.
THANKS SO MUCH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOE BIDEN DID IT!
♪ ♪
HE'S OUR NEXT PRESIDENT!
I'M SO HAPPY!
I WANT TO SHARE THIS MOMENT WITH YOU, MY AUDIENCE, I WISH WE
COULD ALL BE TOGETHER IN THE THEATER, INSTEAD OF BEING STUCK
IN THIS CONVERTED STORAGE ROOM!
BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO STOP ME FROM FIRING THE T-SHIRT CANNON!
COME ON!
CHRIS, CATCH THIS.
COME ON, CATCH IT!
OKAY, JIMMY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'LL FIRE THAT THING BACK UP.
READY AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE.
EVERY TIME SOMEONE GROWNS AT ONE OF MY JOKES, IT IS GO TIME
( BLEEP ).
HEAR THAT?
THAT MEANS IT'S WORKING.
THERE YOU GO.
FINALLY, AFTER FOUR YEARS, AMERICANS CAN EXHALE.
UNLESS YOU'RE NEAR OTHER PEOPLE.
THEN PLEASE DON'T.
PANDEMIC.
AFTER BIDEN'S VICTORY WAS ANNOUNCED, PEOPLE EVERYWHERE
FLOODED THE STREETS, FROM TIMES SQUARE TO DENVER TO SAN
DIEGO TO MIAMI TO ATLANTA.
THAT IS THE BIGGEST PRESIDENTIAL RALLY OF ALL TIME.
NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS REACT TO
YOU LOSING YOUR JOB THE WAY THEY DID TO US GETTING BIN LADEN.
IT FEELS LIKE AMERICA IS...
WHAT'S THE WORD... GREAT AGAIN?
AND THE CHANTING, OH, THE CHANTING.
HERE'S A GROUP IN D.C.: Y-M-C-A
Y-M-C-A >> STEPHEN: PERFECT TROLL, BOTH
BECAUSE THE "YMCA" WAS TRUMP'S BIG RALLY SONG, AND BECAUSE,
AFTER WORKING FOR TRUMP, I THINK IT'S WHERE STEVE BANNON IS
LIVING.
NOT TO BE OUTDONE, THIS IS WHAT THE CELEBRATIONS LOOKED LIKE IN
L.A.: ♪ ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS
YOU ♪ ♪ OOOH BABY ♪
>> STEPHEN: WOW, TRUMP WAS RIGHT.
WE'RE FINALLY SAYING "MERRY CHRISTMAS" AGAIN!
FUN FACT, THIS WEEKEND A SONG CALLED "(BLEEP) DONALD TRUMP"
HIT NUMBER ONE ON ITUNES.
ALTHOUGH "PARTY IN THE U.S.A."
IS REFUSING TO CONCEDE.
AND IT WASN'T JUST AMERICA, PEOPLE O TOOK THE STREETS TO
CELEBRATE IN CANADA, IRELAND, INDIA, THE FOREST MOON OF ENDOR,
ZION, PEOPLE WERE SINGING IN THE RAIN, AND ULTIMATELY, TRUMP
TOWER COLLAPSED.
GO BACK TO THE SHADOW, DONNY!
NOW, WHILE I'M HAPPY, I'M ALSO ECSTATIC.
I'M ALSO A LITTLE TIRED.
AND I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED.
WE'VE GOT A RAGING PANDEMIC, THE BIGGEST BUDGET DEFICIT IN
HISTORY, WE PISSED OFF EVERY COUNTRY EXCEPT THOSE RULED BY
DICTATORS.
IN SHORT, OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS DIFFERENT.
SO WE CAN'T BE COMPLACENT.
WE HAVE TO PUT OUR HEADS DOWN AND KEEP DOING THE WORK...
STARTING TOMORROW.
FOR NOW: ♪
♪ ♪
COME ON, CHRIS, DO THE WAVE!
THAT'S GOOD.
YOU KNOW THAT SECOND ONE WAS COMING.
WASN'T SCRIPTED.
JUST SAID STEPHEN DANCES.
DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT TAKING YOUR HEAD OFF WITH TWO
POUNDS OF COTTON.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL LOVE, BABY.
IT'S ALL LOVE.
AFTER THE GOOD NEWS WAS ANNOUNCED, PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN
AND VICE PRESIDENT ELECT HARRIS TOOK TO THE STAGE IN DELAWARE.
FIRST UP WAS KAMALA HARRIS.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
HARRIS IS THE FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT, FIRST BLACK VICE
PRESIDENT, FIRST SOUTH ASIAN VICE PRESIDENT!
THE FIRST VICE PRESIDENT TO PULL A KICK-ASS ALL-WHITE POWER SUIT!
THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, FOR TRUMP, EVERY SUIT IS A WHITE POWER
SUIT.
HARRIS ACKNOWLEDGED HER PLACE IN HISTORY.
>> THE GENERATIONS OF WOMEN ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BLACK WOMEN, ASIAN, WHITE, LATINA, NATIVE AMERICAN WOMEN,
WHO, THROUGHOUT OUR NATION'S HISTORY, HAVE PAVED THE WAY FOR
THIS MOMENT TONIGHT.
WOMEN WHO FOUGHT AND SACRIFICED SO MUCH FOR EQUALITY AND LIBERTY
AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.
INCLUDING THE BLACK WOMEN WHO ARE OFTEN, TOO OFTEN,
OVERLOOKED, BUT SO OFTEN PROVE THEY ARE THE BACKBONE OF OUR
DEMOCRACY.
WHAT A TESTAMENT IT IS TO JOE'S CHARACTER THAT HAD THE AUDACITY
TO BREAK ONE OF THE MOST SUBSTANTIAL BARRIERS THAT EXISTS
IN OUR COUNTRY AND SELECT A WOMAN AS HIS VICE PRESIDENT.
(CARS HONKING) >> Stephen: THAT IS THE FIRST
TIME IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND IT WAS NICE TO SEE A WOMAN GET
HONKED AT!
"HEY, BABY.
WAY TO SHATTER THAT GLASS CEILING!
YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD IN THAT EXECUTIVE BRANCH!
OH, YEAH!" THEN, SHE INTRODUCED THE MAN OF
THE HOUR, THE VICE SO NICE HE'S GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE TWICE:
>> IT IS NOW MY GREAT HONOR TO INTRODUCE THE PRESIDENT-ELECT OF
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, JOE BIDEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: LOOK AT HIM!
RUNNING LAPS AROUND TRUMP BY RUNNING AT ALL.
BIDEN HAD A MESSAGE OF UNITY: >> I PLEDGE TO BE A PRESIDENT
WHO SEEKS NOT TO DIVIDE, BUT UNIFY, WHO DOESN'T SEE RED
STATES OR BLUE STATES, BUT ONLY SEES THE UNITED STATES.
>> STEPHEN: I LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING THERE, TOO, SIR.
AFTER SIX DAYS OF BINGE-WATCHING STEVE KORNACKI, RED STATES AND
BLUE STATES HAVE BEEN BURNED INTO MY RETINAS.
WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES, ALL I SEE IS THE MAP OF PENNSYLVANIA.
AND THEY'VE UPDATED BUCK'S COUNTY!
ALLEGHENY!
THEN THE PRESIDENT-ELECT ADDRESSED HIS OPPONENT'S
SUPPORTERS DIRECTLY AND COMPASSIONATELY.
>> FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO VOTED FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP, I
UNDERSTAND THE DISAPPOINTMENT TONIGHT.
I'VE LOST A COUPLE OF TIMES MYSELF.
>> STEPHEN: WAIT A SECOND, ADMITTING THAT YOU'VE EVER LOST?
WHY ISN'T HE TALKING ABOUT SHOWER PRESSURE AND HOW
WINDMILLS GIVE YOU CANCER?
HE DIDN'T EVEN WISH AN ACCUSED CHILD SEX TRAFFICKER WELL.
SO UNPRESIDENTIAL!
SO BIDEN HARRIS, THEY'RE NEXT UP.
BUT WITH ALL THIS TALK ABOUT OUR NEW PRESIDENT-ELECT, WE'VE STILL
GOT A PRESIDENT-REJECT.
AND I'LL DISCUSS HIS FALL FROM GLORY IN A SEGMENT I'M CALLING:
>> IT'S RIGGED!
>> DONALD TRUMP: ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS SINCE THE ELECTION WAS CALLED
FOR BIDEN, AND AS OF THIS TAPING, DONALD TRUMP HAS REFUSED
TO CONCEDE.
THAT'S FINE.
UNTIL HE DOES, I REFUSE TO REMEMBER HIS NAME.
WHAT WAS IT?
UH... RONALD CLUMP?
BALDIN' GRUNT?
IT WILL COME TO ME.
THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN HOLED UP IN THE WHITE HOUSE TANTRUM
PANTRY, WHERE THINGS ARE SO STRESSFUL, "THE DAILY MAIL"
REPORTS HIS STAFF IS LIGHTING ROSE-SCENTED CANDLES IN AN
ATTEMPT TO SOFTEN THE ENVIRONMENT, AND TO COMBAT THE
SMELL OF FAST-FOOD DELIVERED TO THE PRESIDENT.
JUST A PREVIEW OF THE INTENSE DESTANKIFICATION THE
BIDEN-HARRIS TEAM WILL HAVE TO DO.
MIGHT BE BEST TO JUST REPLACE THE RESOLUTE DESK WITH A GIANT
GLADE PLUG-IN.
THE LAME DUCK PRESIDENT HASN'T ALWAYS BEEN THIS PARTICULAR
ABOUT THE ELECTORAL COUNT.
IN FACT, AS SHARP-EYED NEWSMAN JOHN DICKERSON POINTED OUT, BACK
IN 2016, WHEN DONALD TRUMP GAVE HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH AFTER
CLINTON CONCEDED, THE ELECTORAL COUNT HADN'T REACHED 270.
THANK GOODNESS HE DIDN'T TWEET "STOP THE COUNT!" BACK THEN OR
ELSE... NOTHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
THEY COUNT ALL THE VOTES, THAT'S HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS, PRESIDENT
GRUNT!
HE ALSO HASN'T APPEARED IN PUBLIC SINCE THURSDAY NIGHT,
WHEN HE RALLIED THE NATION WITH HIS HOPEFUL MESSAGE, "MY FELLOW
AMERICANS, STAND BACK: I HAVE A HEAT RAY."
BUT SOME OF HIS LACKEYS HAVE BEEN MORE THAN WILLING TO STEP
UP AND EMBARRASS THEMSELVES.
LIKE TRUMP'S ATTORNEY AND MAN SHOWING WHERE HE'S GONNA GET HIS
PRISON TATTOOS, RUDY GIULIANI.
GIULIANI IS ACCUSING EVERYONE IN AMERICA OF VOTER FRAUD, AND HE
HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE FOR TRUMP ON SATURDAY, WHICH TRUMP
ANNOUNCED ON TWITTER WOULD TAKE PLACE AT THE FOUR SEASONS,
PHILADELPHIA.
WHICH IS A LOVELY HOTEL.
BUT HE QUICKLY CORRECTED THAT TO FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING.
NOW, HOW THIS HAPPENED IS UNCLEAR.
MY GUESS?
INCOMPETENCE.
ONE THEORY IS THAT SOMEONE IN THE CAMPAIGN MISTOOK THE VENUE
FOR A LUXURY HOTEL.
EMBARRASSING, BUT NOT THE FIRST TIME SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAS
HAPPENED.
AFTER ALL, WHO CAN FORGET WHEN F.D.R., STALIN, AND CHURCHILL
MET AT THE YALTA DISCOUNT TOILET EMPORIUM.
FLUSH DEFUEHRER!
MISTAKE OR NOT, THEY HELD THE PRESS CONFERENCE AT THE LOADING
DOCK OF THE LANDSCAPER.
HERE'S WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE: THAT'S QUITE AN IMAGE.
PROJECTS POWER.
LOOKS LIKE THE PENGUIN ANNOUNCING LAYOFFS TO HIS
HENCHMEN.
LOOKS LIKE A "STORAGE WARS" EPISODE HOSTED BY THE CRYPT
KEEPER.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE DEDICATION OF A NEW PERFORMING ARTS CENTER AT
CHERNOBYL.
ALTHOUGH IT'S POSSIBLE GIULIANI GOES THERE ALL THE TIME.
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF HIS DENTIST REQUIRES LANDSCAPING
TOOLS.
EVEN WORSE, BUT ALSO SOMEHOW BETTER, FOUR SEASONS TOTAL
LANDSCAPING IS RIGHT BY A CREMATORIUM AND AN ADULT VIDEO
STORE.
MAKES SENSE.
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SCREWED AND DEAD.
IN THE PRESSER ITSELF, GIULIANI ANNOUNCED A UNIQUE THEORY AS TO
HOW PHILADELPHIA WENT SO STRONGLY FOR BIDEN.
>> IN PHILADELPHIA, THEY KEEP THE VOTE OF DEAD PEOPLE SECRET.
AT LEAST THAT IS SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN BE COMMENDED FOR.
THERE ARE DEAD PEOPLE VOTING, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
>> STEPHEN: FORGET ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE VOTING, THERE'S A DEAD
GUY HOLDING A PRESS CONFERENCE RIGHT OUTSIDE THE CREMATORIUM!
SOMEONE CALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS!
SO, THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT IT'S OVER, BUT IT
IS.
AND WHEN HE LEAVES, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO?
SLEEP.
BUT ALSO, THE POSSIBILITY THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR
YEARS, WE WILL BE ABLE TO SHIFT OUR COLLECTIVE FOCUS AWAY FROM
HIM ONTO ANYTHING ELSE.
MAYBE EACH OTHER.
WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE?
I GOT UP THIS MORNING, WALKING DOWN THE STEPS, AND I JUST FELT
ALL THIS AVAILABLE BRAIN SPACE.
AND THERE ISN'T ANYTHING OCCUPYING IT YET.
IT'S LIKE A CLEAN KITCHEN COUNTER WHERE SOMETHING COULD BE
MADE IF WE'RE JUST NOT CLUTTERING IT UP WITH THAT GUY.
SATURDAY AFTERNOON RIGHT AFTER WE HEARD JOE HAD CLINCHED THE
ELECTORAL COLLEGE, WE WERE ON THE PORCH, AND I SAT DOWN AND
JUST STARTED CRYING WITH RELIEF, AND EVIE SAID, YOU NEVER HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT HIM AGAIN, AND THEN I CRIED WITH JOY.
NOW, OBAMA WAS A CHARISMATIC GUY, A LOT OF PEOPLE ACCUSED HIM
OF BEING A CELEBRITY, BUT THERE WERE WHOLE DAYS WHEN YOU DIDN'T
THINK ABOUT HIM.
REMEMBER THAT?
PROBABLY NOT BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THINKING ABOUT HIM.
I THINK IT HELPED US SLEEP THAT WE KNEW THAT OBAMA SLEPT.
FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS, IF YOU WERE UP LATE DOOM SCROLLING,
YOU'D SEE THE PRESIDENT UP DOUCHE TWEETING.
I'M ALSO LOOKING FORWARD TO, I DON'T KNOW, PEOPLE BEING NICER.
INCLUDING ME.
ONE OF THE THINGS ABOUT THIS JOB THAT I HAVE FOUND IS THAT I TEND
TO REFLECT BACK THE NATIONAL TONE.
AND THAT TONE COMES FROM THE TOP.
THE PRESIDENT'S ONLY EMOTIONS ARE "ANGRY," "LOOK AT ME," AND
"I'M ANGRY YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT ME."
AND BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY THING WE WERE FOCUSED ON FOR THE
LAST FOUR YEARS, AND THIS IS ENTIRELY MY RESPONSIBILITY
I'VE DONE HARSHER JOKES THAN I'VE EVER DONE IN MY ENTIRE
LIFE.
THIS IS WHY THEY SAY DON'T WRESTLE WITH A PIG, BECAUSE YOU
WILL BOTH GET FILTHY, AND THE PIG LIKES IT.
AND ALSO YOUR PIG IMPRESSION HASN'T GOTTEN ANY BETTER IN FOUR
YEARS.
BUT MOSTLY I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE IDEA OF KNOWING THINGS
AGAIN.
THE LAST FOUR YEARS HAVE BEEN AN ASSAULT ON OBJECTIVE REALITY.
HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ANYTHING-- WHAT CAUSES GLOBAL
WARMING, HOW MANY PEOPLE SHOWED UP TO HIS INAUGURATION, WHAT'S
IN HIS TAXES, HOW MUCH HIS HAIR COSTS.
BY THE WAY, MR. PRESIDENT, HOW IS THAT GLUED ON YOUR HEAD?
>> WELL, I DON'T THINK SCIENCE KNOWS, ACTUALLY.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT DOES HE MEAN, SCIENCE DOESN'T KNOW?
"SCIENCE" MEANS "KNOWLEDGE," YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT?
SCIENCE!
COMPUTER SCIENCE.
I GOOGLED IT.
WE'VE SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS DEBATING THE VALUE OF THE
ENLIGHTENMENT WITH A REALITY SHOW HOST.
IF THE PRESIDENT WERE THERE WHEN THE APPLE HIT NEWTON ON THE
HEAD, HE WOULD HAVE CALLED GRAVITY A CHINESE HOAX AND THE
APPLE, "TIM APPLE."
PERSONALLY, I THINK IT'S BETTER TO KNOW THAN NOT TO KNOW.
THE LAST FOUR YEARS HAS PROVEN THAT: IGNORANCE?
LESS BLISSFUL THAN ADVERTISED.
THAT'S WHY THIS WEEK HAS BEEN SO HARD.
TURNS OUT, IT'S NOT EASY TO HOLD AN ELECTION DURING A PANDEMIC,
AND THANKS TO THE MASSIVE MAIL-IN VOTING, IT TOOK A WHILE
TO GET THE RESULTS.
THOUGH THE PRESIDENT WOULD LIKE YOU TO BELIEVE WE WILL NEVER
KNOW WHO REALLY WON THIS ELECTION.
BUT WE KNOW IT'S JOE.
AND COME JANUARY 20, RONALD CLUMP WILL KNOW IT, TOO.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
STACEY ABRAMS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, JOE BIDEN'S FIRST ACTIONS AS
PRESIDENT-ELECT.
OKAY, ONE MORE TIME.
COME ON!
WHOA!
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪