OUR NEXT GUEST IS A BRILLIANT STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND WE'RE
THRILLED HE'S MAKING HIS NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT HERE WITH US
TONIGHT. HE'S A REGULAR AT THE COMEDY
CELLAR IN NEW YORK CITY AND CURRENTLY PERFORMING LIVE ALL
OVER THE COUNTRY. PLEASE WELCOME, THE TREMENDOUSLY
TALENTED, AKEEM WOODS. >> YEAHY.
HELLO, HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING? YES.
I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE, MAN, I'M SO EXCITED.
THE LAST YEARS HAVE BEEN WILD, MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE LAST
FEW YEARS IS THAT WHITE PEOPLE JUST NOW FOUND OUT ABOUT RACISM.
KNOW, I'M LIKE OH MY GOD, IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOREVER, LIKE,
IT'S BEEN GOING ON SINCE YOU CREATED IT.
BUT BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. I KNOW WHITE PEOPLE JUST FOUND
OUT ABOUT RACISM BECAUSE DURING THE HEIGHT OF THE PANDEMIC I WAS
IN L.A. AND ALL THE COMEDY CLUBS WERE CLOSED AND I HAD TO TO
START DELIVERING GROCERIES, AND I WAS DELIVERING GROCERIES IN
SANTA MONICA AND I STARTED GETTING AMAZING TIPS BECAUSE
WHITE GUILT. AND Y'ALL LAUGHING, THESE TIPS
WERE FIRE. I'M LIKE $20, WHAT ARE WE DOING?
LIKE AND I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO Y'ALL, WHEN I WENT TO DELIVER
THE GOESRIES I MADE SURE I SKIPPED TO THE DOOR, YEAH SO
THEY KNOW I'M GAY AND BLACK. LIKE I NEED THEM TO KNOW, YEAH,
I'M LIKE I'M A DOIBL MINORITY, I AM GOING TO NEED $50, LIKE.
AND I'M NOT EVEN THE SKIPPING TYPE OF GAY, FOR $50, I WILL
SKIP. I'M JUST SPINNING FOR NO REASON.
DON'T ACT SURPRISED THAT MI GAY. YOU SEE THIS HAT, LIKE.
SUPER GAY. I GREW NEWSPAPER FLORIDA, DON'T
RECOMMEND IT. IN FLORIDA IT IS REALLY
CONSERVATIVE SO I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO COME OUT TO MY MOM.
SHE DIED BEFORE I CAN COME OUT. DON'T WORRY, IT GETS FUNNY.
BUT LIKE I KNOW SHE KNEW I WAS GAY BECAUSE SHE TREATED ME AND
MY BROTHER SO DIFFERENTLY. ONE DAY MY BROTHER CAME HOME
FROM SCHOOL, HEY MOM, CAN I SPEND THE NIGHT AT CHRISTINA'S
HOUSE. AND MY MOM LOOKED UP, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
AND MY BROTHER GOT MAD BECAUSE I WAS SITTING NEXT TO HIM, YO,
THAT IS NOT FAIR, YOU LET AKEEM SPEND THE NIGHT AT CHELSEA'S
HOUSE ALL THE TIME. AND MY MOM GOT QUIET, SHE IS
LIKE WELL THAT'S CUZ I TRUST AKEEM, LIKE.
WHICH IS HER WAY OF SAYING LOOK, I KNOW HE'S GAY, LIKE.
HE CAN SPEND THE NAME AT CELL SEE'S HOUSE BUT I WILL BE DAMNED
IF HE SPEND THE NIGHT AT VICTOR'S HOUSE.
I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP WITH VICTOR, I WAS TRYING MY BEST,
LIKE-- IF YOU ARE WATCHING THIS VICTOR, DM ME.
BUT I DO, I LIVE IN L.A. NOW WHICH IS COOL.
I LIVED IN SOUTH CENTRAL AND WHENEVER I TELL PEOPLE THAT
THEY'RE LIKE OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?
AND I'M LIKE I'M NOT SKIPPING DOWN SOUTH CENTRAL, LIKE.
I'M GAY INSIDE. LIKE BUT THE THING ABOUT LIVING
IN SOUTH CENTRAL, CERTAIN THINGS YOU CAN'T DO IN SOUTH CENTRAL
THAT YOU CAN DO IN OTHER NEIGHBORHOODS, HAVE I A FRIEND
WHO LIVES IN MALIBU, HE SAID OH MY GOD, AKEEM, YOU SHOULD
DOWNLOAD THE CITIZEN APP. OO, GIRL, WHAT IS THAT, THE
CITIZEN APP WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR
NEIGHBORHOOD, LIKE IN MALL I BUT IT WILL TELL YOU POTTED HOLES OR
IF THE MAIL IS LATE. AND I'M LIKE OH, I WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT MAIL. THANK YOU FOR GETTING THAT PUN.
SO I DOWNLOAD THE CITIZEN APP BUT THE CITIZEN APP IN SOUTH
CENTRAL LOS ANGELES, IT JUST TELLS PEOPLE ABOUT MURDER.
LIKE ST THE MURDER APP. I KID YOU NOT, A GOT A
NOTIFICATION AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING ON A TUESDAY THAT THERE
WAS A SHOOTING. AND THE MESSED UP PART WAS THE
SHOOTING DIDN'T WAKE ME UP. THE NOTIFICATION DID.
LIKE AND I WAS MAD CUZ I THOUGHT IT WAS GRINDER, I WAS VERY
UPSET. I'M LIKE THIS IS NOT WHAT I
WANTED. BUT THE THING ABOUT THE CITIZEN
APP IS YOU CAN COMMENT ON IT. SO WHEN THE SHOOTING HAPPENED
SOMEBODY COMMENTED YO, WHO IS OUT HERE SHOOTING.
AND I KID YOU NOT, SOMEONE REPLIED BACK, MIND YOUR
BUSINESS. WHAT!
I'M LIKE THE SHOOTER IS ON THE APP.
WHAT ARE WE DOING? IT'S LIKE GRAND THEFT AUTO.
I SAW SOMEONE THAT HAD A-- HOW, L-1, R1, XX TRIANGLE, THANK YOU,
NERDS. THAT IS MY TIME, THANK YOU SO
MUCH. >> James: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AKEEM WOODS, EVERYBODY.
FOR TICKETS AND DATES CHECK OUT akeemwoods.com
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.