-The third Democratic debate was held last week.
But I think there were a lot
of important questions left unanswered.
So we decided to hold another one right here, right now.
That's right, all 10 of the qualifying candidates are here,
and they're ready to go. So without further ado,
here's the Late Night Democratic Presidential Debate.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to the Late Night 2020 Democratic Presidential Debate.
I'm your moderator, Seth Meyers.
Let's get started. Not a day goes by
that the president doesn't make news with his Twitter feed.
Congressman O'Rourke,
who do you think writes Donald Trump's tweets?
-A 5-year-old child in kindergarten.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Warren, who has Donald Trump appointed
to run the Treasury?
-Economic tools.
-And who does he have running the State Department?
-Diplomatic tools.
-And who did he hire to run the EPA?
-Regulatory tools.
-And if you are elected, who will you get rid of?
-All the tools.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
-Hey.
Hey, Senator Sanders, check this out.
-Two points.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Vice President Biden, who's your wife, Jill, going
to vote for in the primary?
-She's for Bernie.
-Ooh.
Secretary Castro, what does Joe Biden fantasize about
during these debates?
-Me, shutting up.
[ Laughter ]
-Congressman O'Rourke, what does the expiration stamp
say on a box of Twinkies?
-Good for 1,500 years.
-Senator Booker, what does Mike Pence call his bed?
-The altar of purity.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Mr. Yang, how is your relationship with your wife?
-We've been in a state of continuous armed conflict
for 18 years.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Senator Klobuchar, what did you say when you visited Florida?
-That's a lot of seniors.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Sanders, what time do you eat breakfast?
-At 3:00 in the morning.
[ Light laughter ]
-Senator Warren, why do we need Medicare for all?
-Insurance companies last year sucked.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Mayor Buttigieg, how old is the Filet-O-Fish
in the warming bin at McDonald's?
-Could be 18 years old.
[ Laughter ]
-Vice President Biden, you said that if elected
you would declare T.J.Maxx a federal disaster site. Why?
-I've been there. You've been there. You know what it's like.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Senator Booker, what's the worst part
about having that beautiful, shiny, bald head?
-Everybody feels it.
-Senator Harris, question for you.
Some people peel a banana from the top,
while others do it from the bottom.
How would you do it?
-I would try to do it from the inside.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Warren, what do you like to do for fun
in your free time?
-Line my dollies up and teach school.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Senator Klobuchar, this question is a lay-up.
You can't possibly screw this up.
What is your favorite line from the movie "Star Wars"?
-Houston, we have a problem.
[ Laughter ]
-Vice President Biden, I heard you bought a cabinet at IKEA
over the weekend. How's that going?
-It can not be put together.
Let me say it again.
It will not be put together.
-Seems very stressed out about that.
[ Applause ]
Senator Sanders, if we were role-playing
as celebrity couple John Krasinski and Emily Blunt,
who would you want to be?
-Let me be Blunt.
-Okay, great.
I will be John Krasinski.
Okay, so let's go. Celebrity role play. Here we go.
Hi, Emily. I'm home.
-You got three people in America
earning more wealth than the bottom half of this country.
[ Laughter ]
-That doesn't sound like something Emily Blunt would say.
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to do this anymore.
Secretary Castro, where --
Sorry. Secretary Castro, what is Air Force One doing
when it takes off?
-Elevating a dictator.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Congressman O'Rourke, I've been married for five years now.
Do you have any suggestions
on how to keep things fresh in the bedroom?
-Bondage.
[ Laughter ]
-Bond-- You should be ashamed of yourself.
[ Laughter ]
Kamala, how about you?
Any tips for me and my wife in the bedroom?
-Wear cameras and keep them on full-time.
-Oh, God.
You guys are full-on freaks.
Secretary Castro, when you get the kids' menu at Denny's,
is it enough to just finish the maze on the back?
-I also believe that we have to connect the dots.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Klobuchar, when is the best time to use Tinder?
-If you want action now.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Sanders, what do you call that damn thing
on the front of a damn duck's damn head?
-The damn bill, if I may say so.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Senator Booker, Senator Booker,
if you have a son someday and have to give him the sex talk,
what will you say?
-If you want to go fast, go alone.
But if you want to go far, go together.
-Alright.
Okay.
Well, I don't think we're going to beat that.
Looks like we're out of time.
So on behalf of all of the candidates, have a good night.
We'll be right back with John Goodman, everybody!