There's a big political scandal
involving Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau.
And you may remember that Trudeau just survived
another scandal when he was busted for doing brown-face
20 years ago at an Aladdin party.
But this time, my friends,
Trudeau may have really gone too far.
NEWSWOMAN: Some doughnut drama for Justin Trudeau.
The only-in-Canada controversy started with the prime minister
tweeting a photo of himself carrying boxes
from the Oh Doughnuts shop in Winnipeg
to help fuel a wintertime cabinet meeting.
Some on social media praised Trudeau
for supporting a local business.
Others criticized him for buying about $200 worth
of elitist doughnuts
instead of hitting the local Tim Hortons
at about a third of the price.
(laughter)
Really, Canada?
That's your scandal?
Your prime minister brought the wrong doughnuts?
If this shit pisses you off,
you guys wouldn't last a day with Donald Trump.
(laughter, cheering)
-Doughnuts? -(applause)
I can't even believe that's a thing.
Let me tell you something now. If Trump had a doughnut scandal,
he'd make it a real scandal.
He'd be like, "Yes, I had sex with that doughnut.
(laughter, groans)
But only because it promised me dirt on Joe Biden."
Also, I love how some Canadians are upset
because they say Trudeau didn't go to the local doughnut shop.
Tim Hortons. That's what they said.
They said, "Why did you go to this elitist place
instead of the local Tim Hortons?"
Okay, there's nothing local about Tim Hortons, all right?
It's a giant corporation. Right?
When these people go to McDonald's, are they like,
"Oh, anything I can do to help out my neighborhood clown."
I will say, though, Justin Trudeau should be
a little careful with these doughnuts. Yeah.
'Cause he could start eating a chocolate one,
get a little bit of the frosting on his face, yeah,
and then go to wipe it off, and then it's everywhere,
and then he's just like: ♪ I can show you the world... ♪
(laughter)
All right, let's move on
to some news from the world of tech.
Tinder. It's the app that helps you find that special someone
you could be with for the rest of your night.
-(laughter) -And now, after years of getting people laid,
Tinder is now trying to get people safe.
Well, the popular dating app Tinder
is unveiling new safety features today.
They include a photo verification system,
a panic button, and the ability to call authorities
to their exact location.
Tinder will use this technology as part of its safety features.
Critics have complained that Tinder has not done enough
in the past to screen out scammers and assault suspects.
Yay. Good job, Tinder.
No, seriously, anytime you can make dating more safe,
that's something you should do.
I just hope this feature isn't too Tinder-y, you know?
If you can, like, call for help on Tinder,
I hope it's, like, just help.
I hope it's not like, "I need help! Send a cop!
"No, not him. No, not him.
"No, not him.
Yeah, I guess. He's okay, okay, okay. Okay."
And I do think it's a good feature,
but I know some people are gonna abuse it.
You know, like, you know Mike Pence would be hitting
that panic button all the time.
Just be like, "Help me. My woman date is wearing pants.
Come soon!"
But now that Tinder and Uber both have panic buttons,
I feel like every app should have them.
You know? Every app.
Like, if you're on Instagram, and you accidentally like
your ex's three-month-old photo,
you should be able to hit a button
and then they send a team to help you start a new life.
All right, moving on.
The World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland,
is wrapping up, and one of the stars of the event was
climate activist Greta Thunberg, who blasted politicians
for continuing to ignore global warming.
But now one of Trump's minions is firing back.
NEWSWOMAN: U.S. Treasure Secretary Steve Mnuchin
unleashes a verbal attack
on teen climate activist Greta Thunberg.
Both are at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland.
She said in a speech, she wants businesses worldwide
to stop investing in fossil fuels.
Mnuchin told reporters, considering her an economist
is a joke, and she needs to come back
after she goes to college and gets an economics degree.
Yeah. Steve Mnuchin, U.S. Treasury Secretary
and skin-covered stapler,
says that Greta should go to school
before she comments on the global economy.
That's what he said. Those were his words.
Like, "Why don't you go to school, Greta,
before you comment on the economy."
And that doesn't make any sense, because since when does
the Trump administration listen to anyone with an education?
-(laughter) -That makes no difference.
Seriously, this is not a White House that cares
about qualifications, right?
Their education secretary has no education experience.
They put a sleepy doctor in charge of all urban housing.
And the current head of the EPA was a coal lobbyist.
Right? Forget an environmental science degree.
This dude probably can't even do basic bird-watching.
Yeah, he wouldn't know the difference
between a red-breasted merganser and a yellow-bellied sapsucker,
you bird-ignorant mother (bleep).
(laughter)
I mean, for crying out loud, Ivanka, Ivanka Trump
is an advisor to the president.
What is her expertise? Huh?
What is it? Is Trump in a meeting like,
"Ivanka, help us out. We have to decide
"whether or not to bomb Iran.
"You sold shitty jewelry unsuccessfully for ten years.
What do you think?"
(laughter)