There are many things that don't make sense about the Christian concept of Heaven.
-- or at least the popularized version of it.
And I wish religious people could give me a clear answer on the following questions, because...
I don't think they've thought this through.
- When we're up there in Heaven,
are we frozen at a certain age?
I imagine old people wish they could be back in their younger bodies. I mean, do they get that option?
- And what about babies who die?
Do they remain babies in Heaven, or are they some
older, wiser, talkative versions of themselves?
- If you're a parent who tragically lost a baby,
wouldn't you want to see your baby in Heaven
instead of some 20-year-old version of
a kid you never knew?
- And what about unborn children?
Christians say they're living, which is why we shouldn't abort them,
but they also don't think those fetuses are going to be punished in Hell for their mother's decision.
So, is Heaven just littered with the remains of partially formed babies?
- Does jealousy exist in Heaven?
Because jealousy develops when people are better than you at something, or they have more things than you.
But the only way to avoid that is to make everybody the same in Heaven.
You know, they say "variety is the spice of life,"
but it sounds like uniformity is the norm in Heaven,
which sounds really boring.
- What do people eat in Heaven?
I mean, can you be a carnivore? Because...
eating meat would still require the death of animals and...
where would those animals come from?
I mean, the places around you, I would assume, but...
Let me get this right then.
Those animals died,
then went to Heaven,
only to be slaughtered again to provide food for hungry angels?
- What about bugs?
I mean, do I have to deal with spiders on my cloud?
- If I have a disability,
do I still have it after I die?
Can I get out of my wheelchair in Heaven?
And what if I embraced it? I mean,
there are deaf people who don't want cochlear implants. Does...
God fix their hearing against their will?
- What if the person who killed me accepted Jesus and made it to Heaven?
Would I run into that person?
- What if I really don't want to see certain family members again in the afterlife?
I mean, we always talk about how we'll be reunited with our loved ones after death...
but I can think of a few people I don't want to see ever again,
especially for eternity.
- Speaking of loved ones, what if somebody I loved didn't accept Christ?
They'd go to Hell.
But how happy could I be in Heaven if someone I loved was burning forever?
Or would I just forget about that person?
- Do people have sex in Heaven?
Can they? Do they get privacy?
- What if you're a guy who died at an old age? I mean,
does your dick work again?
- If Islamic terrorists say you get 72 virgins in heaven,
what happens when the martyrs run out of them?
Can they replenish their stash of virgins?
And honestly, wouldn't they want to be with 72 people who know what they're doing?
Or how about just one?
- And wouldn't Heaven for those terrorists really be Hell for those virgins?
- Where do we live? Do I get a house? Is it a mansion?
- How do I go to sleep?
Do people even get tired in Heaven?
- Do I finally get to drive a Tesla? Does Heaven have roads?
- Are we smarter in Heaven?
Will I finally be able to understand things I never figured out on Earth?
I mean, will I be able to play the piano? Can I prove things that are elusive to the best mathematicians?
- What's the weather like? Because when I visit my parents, we can't even agree on what to set the thermostat to.
So, is there temperature control?
Is it individualized?
- Would we be happy all the time?
Because that could really get old after a while.
Have you ever eaten pizza when you're really hungry? I mean, It's great for the first slices but...
then it starts to make you sick.
And if you keep going, you won't like it. I mean, you need a break.
Happiness is great, but that's partly because we all get sad sometimes.
It makes the good times that much more memorable.
- Do we have to go to church in Heaven?
Because If I'm there, it's presumably because God actually exists, but...
then are we supposed to worship Him for all eternity?
That doesn't sound like a good time.
I mean, you thought church was boring now? Wait till the services last literally forever.
- Do I have to spend an eternity around other Christians who can't stop talking about God? Because...
I try to avoid that now.
- What would we even talk about?
Because, to me, the most interesting things to discuss are topics where people have differences of opinion.
But those differences can turn into debates.
And those debates can sometimes turn into shouting matches.
But I've never pictured Heaven as a place where people yell at each other like a cable news show.
Which would suggest everyone agrees about everything.
Which means the topics of discussion would be really, really boring.
- Is there music in Heaven?
Not just harp music, but, you know, music people actually listen to?
I mean, we all have different tastes, so...
is it rap? Country? Something else?
Do we all just get a celestial iPod when we enter through the Pearly Gates?
- The late comedian George Carlin asked a lot of great questions about Heaven, too. Like...
You know how whenever something great happens, people say their dead loved ones are looking down on them from above?
Does that mean people in Heaven spend all day watching their loved ones from above? Because...
that has to get old really fast.
- Carlin also added: What if you're adopted? I mean, then who's watching you from above?
The parents who adopted you or the birth parents who didn't want you around in the first place?
-- And how long does that even last?
Are we supposed to look down upon our great-great-grandchildren we never knew?
I'm sure some of you watching this are just thinking I'm creating a bunch of strawman.
I mean, "No one thinks Heaven is like that. Heaven is a state of mind. Heaven is full of spirits."
"Heaven is a place where we get new bodies."
"When we get to Heaven, we have these blank slates in our mind; the bad memories go away."
To which I ask: how do you know any of that for sure?
Can't we all just admit Heaven is something religious people made up
to make us all feel better about dying?
We don't need to believe in an eternal life to make this one worthwhile.
Plus, everyone knows the real party's always in the basement.
I'm Hemant Mehta and I write at FriendlyAtheist.com
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