- I got randomly kicked out
of one of these big, gentle parenting Facebook groups.
I was kicked out
because I had posted a question about pacifier use
and that was apparently against
this particular gentle parenting approaches guidelines.
I won't say the name of the group
but I'm sure many of you have had similar experiences.
When I was kicked out of this group I felt so hurt.
I mean, at the time I was in a really sensitive place,
I had just moved country with two young children,
I was trying to figure out how to help my youngest
with his pacifier addiction and I was turning
to the only place I knew to find support
of what I thought was like-minded parents.
I've had a few similar experiences along the way
that have really shaped my own approach to parenting today.
For example, a couple years after that,
my two older kids were going to a preschool
but I was really starting to think about homeschooling.
My heart was being tugged in that direction
and so I was trying to find local homeschool groups
that I could meet up with, find other parents,
and learn from them, ask them my questions,
and see if this was a right fit for my family.
So I joined one of these groups and asked if I could come
to one of the meetups.
And when she heard
that my children were currently in a preschool
and we weren't full-fledged homeschoolers just yet,
she banned me from the group
with some pretty hostile language I'll add.
Again, I just felt like such an outsider,
such an outcast, like nothing I did was 100% right
for that particular group, you know?
Like I wasn't fully attachment parenting
and I wasn't fully RIE, and I wasn't homeschooler,
and I wasn't fully anything.
I didn't fit in anywhere, can you relate to that?
I've had so many parents tell me in whispers
about the things that they don't want other people to know
like the fact that they vaccinate or don't vaccinate,
circumcise, or don't circumcise, bed share, co-sleep,
or sleep train, or both.
I've had parents tell me in hushed whispers
that they had to Ferberize their baby
because they were actually scared
of developing sleep psychosis
and worried about the damage they would do to their baby
if they didn't let their baby cry.
And the shame and guilt
around these stories is unparalleled.
So many incredible, interesting, parenting philosophies
have been developed and I love to learn from them.
But whenever I go too far down a rabbit hole
and feel like I am this label or that label,
I inevitably come up against a place where no I'm not
or it doesn't fit 100% or it doesn't work for my child
or for me and then we can end up feeling like such failures
because we measure ourselves against the checklist
of what this particular philosophy demands.
Like we're not Waldorf enough or Montessori enough
or unschooling enough or attachment enough
because we couldn't or didn't want to keep up
with one of those teachings.
So let's just set the record straight for a minute.
There is no one right way to raise a child.
As Magda Gerber herself said,
"There is only one rule in parenting, it depends."
As you already know, every child, every family,
every circumstance, culture, home is unique.
You are unique.
Your child is unique.
And the choices that you need to make day in, day out
are going to depend on so many things.
Like your emotional resources, your physical abilities,
your spiritual beliefs, your financial resources,
the support system you have, the culture you live in,
your own childhood baggage,
and of course then add all of those things for your spouse,
for your child, for your other children,
and throw that all into the mix.
That is a 100% unique individual, highly specialized,
particular cocktail of what makes you you
and what makes your child you.
So how can one person
or one group's specific dogmatic philosophy
always apply to you?
Listen, if you've felt kicked out, like an outcast,
like you don't really belong to any parenting group,
I want you to know you're not alone.
I have so been there.
I'm still there.
You're also not alone in picking and choosing.
I want to strengthen your resolve around that.
Despite what many people think,
picking and choosing from a philosophy is a very good idea.
Picking and choosing means
that you learn all about this philosophy
and then you use your critical thinking brain,
you apply your own intuition, your own gut feeling,
your own common sense,
and you choose what works for you right now.
We don't want to be sheep just following a herd
and just swallowing a philosophy whole hog
when maybe it's outdated in some ways
or maybe it didn't know about some other philosophy
or maybe it just doesn't jive with our religion
or with our lifestyle or with our budget.
I want you to embolden your own parenting voice
because if you want to love parenting, really enjoy it,
and if you want to parent your child
from a place of love,
you have to be your own parenting coach.
You have to develop your own philosophy.
You can listen to all the podcasts and books
and YouTube videos and read all the blogs
and do all the courses,
at the end of the day, it's absolutely fine
to throw at least half of that in the trash and say,
"It's great for someone else but it's not right for me."
And frankly, if a group kicks me out
because I ask a question
or because I'm not 100% exactly robotically identically
a carbon copy of them,
that is not a group that I want to be a part of anyway.
Even if it seems so gentle and so respectful
and so attachment-based, to me,
if they aren't gentle, respectful and attachment-based
to their fellow parents, that means nothing.
How we treat each other in this parenting journey
or just in human life in general,
is just as important and meaningful and valuable
and says just as much about our philosophy
as how we treat our children.
And if a group offers no diversity, no complexity,
no understanding that there are exceptions
to every single rule, then again,
it's not a group I want to be a part of.
I don't believe that's a celebration of diversity.
I believe that's dogmatic and controlling and stigmatizing.
Instead, I want to create a parenting community,
and I'm so grateful that we already have one right here,
that offers empathy instead of judgment.
When I see a parent yelling at their kid
or even hitting their kid in the park,
I really understand where they're coming from,
I understand their struggle.
I may or may not agree with their technique
but I've been there.
When I see a parent bribing their kids with candy
or pressuring their child academically,
or a parent who's complaining nonstop
about their two year old being a jerk,
sure I have that thought in my mind
that that might not be quite how I would do it
and that I want something different
for them and for their child, but I get it.
We all do the best we can with what we have
and I don't think there should be a dogmatic way
of raising children because human life is very diverse.
There is such endless variety of ways of living
and ways of raising children
that if a group is stigmatic, dogmatic, judgemental,
rigid about their rules
and those rules don't change, evolve, adapt,
and aren't open to interpretation,
then it just doesn't make sense to me,
it's just not how humans are developed in my opinion.
I want you to remember
that every single parenting philosophy, course, podcast,
book, however official and however well rounded it is,
was still developed by a person, a person or people
with a specific and unique perspective on life,
with a specific and unique exposure to certain ideas
and certain philosophies,
and an ignorance of other ideas and philosophies.
It was developed by a person or people
who don't know you personally.
They don't know your child personally.
And so, take the wisdom that they share,
take the ideas, apply them in your life,
but don't forget to pick and choose.
Don't forget that at the end of the day,
you are your own best parenting coach and guide.
These are not God-given truths.
They're not some perfect, dogmatic system or methodology.
They're not a blueprint for everyone everywhere.
At the end of the day,
parenting is a uniquely personal experience
and it's not a linear path.
You can't just always follow steps
and do exactly what they say.
Sometimes breastfeeding through the night works great
for one child and terribly for another.
Sometimes baby-wearing connects
and bonds one mother-child pair
and builds resentment and backache for another.
Sometimes unschooling brings out the best in one family
and the worst in another.
Sometimes Montessori education is available to one family
and completely out of reach for another.
We have to honor and respect our unique
and individual paths and enjoy what we can learn,
take, pick and choose from the various styles out there.
That's why everything that I teach,
all of my courses, and memberships, and podcasts, et cetera
do not rely on dogma.
They're not a one size fits all
because I can't, I just, it wouldn't be within my integrity
to say this works for everyone.
Nothing works for everyone all the time.
There's no such absolute truth.
Instead, let's build a community that focuses
on what connects us, on what we have in common.
We all want the best for our children
and we're all doing the best we have with what we've got.
So, when a parent reaches out because they want
to be part of our group but they don't quite fit in,
let's welcome them in with warm arms
and rely on the fact that we'll organically self-select
to be with people who are like-minded.
But generally speaking,
let's open those doors of conversation,
let's cross-reference, and intersect different philosophies
of parenting and actually create the best of all worlds
for our unique situation with our child.
I'm Avital, Founder of The Parenting Junkie.
Thanks so much for watching.
Namaste.
(light music)